Been having some hallucinations

Well, for the most part I have been doing alright lately. The most recent thing is that I have started having hallucinations. I had some hallucinations during my first manic period before I was hospitalized, and it's kind of weird now because I am not having and episode. I am not manic, I am not depressed. For the most part life is going along fine.

A couple weeks ago I was out and about and I remember hearing something and being weirded out about it...I thought, "Wait a minute...was that really even there?" and then I blew it off as an isolated incident and didn't pay it much attention. Then a couple days later I was out with my kids and smelled the scent of burning rubber, or burning oil or something to that effect. I realized at the time that it was not really there, and again thought "This is weird" but I blew it off.

A few days later, I was laying down to go to sleep and was kinda of groggy, half asleep/half awake. And suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. It jolted me and I thought "Oh my god, I forgot to lock the door!" So I jumped out of bed and locked the door and sat up for a couple minutes. I swear I heard footsteps outside walking around my house and was completely paranoid, convinced someone was outside trying to break into my house and rob me or rape  me or some such thing. After a couple minutes of being totally freaked out, I went back to bed. And I laid there thinking about it and wondered, Is this really real? I mean first off, who would ring my bell at 1 am? Nobody. And if someone WAS trying to break in, they wouldn't ring the bell! They would just try to come in a window or something. The thing that really tipped me off that it wasn't real was that my kids would have woken if they heard the bell...and they were in bed, sound asleep. So I thought, Ok, this wasn't really real.

A few days passed...I thought, Ok, it's all over now. Not quite. A couple nights ago I was in that half awake/half asleep state and swear that my kids were walking above my head. I heard and felt their footsteps all around me and wondered "Why are they walking on my head?" Then I heard their voices talking to me, but inside my head. It weirded me out so I looked around and no one was there. My kids were awake but were in their room and nowhere near where I was.

So now I am totally confused. I do have a sleep disorder, narcolepsy. I generally do not have symptoms, I would consider my case to be a mild one. I have had symptoms off and on over the years but usually not severely. Hallucination (in conjunction with sleep) is a symptom of narcolepsy. So that COULD explain why I have had the last couple of hallucinations. But it doesn't explain the hallucinations I had while awake. I am just really thrown for a loop right now because I don't know what to make of it or what to attribute it to. Is it my bipolar? Is it my narcolepsy? Is it both? I really don't know. I do have to say that the hallucinations while half awake are much more disconcerting than the ones while I am awak for some reason. Maybe it is because they are so sudden and so jarring to me.

I don't know if upping my dosage of medication will help. If it isn't bipolar related, it probably won't do much good. I don't see my psychiatrist again until April. It isn't bad enough for me to make an early appointment though, so I am just going to wait to see her. I do have a feeling it will continue to happen though. So I am keeping an eye on it, and documenting it, to see if some sort of pattern will emerge.

More downs and back on medication now

Well, where do I begin? I have not been doing so well, unfortunately. Immediately after my last post things took a turn for the worst. I was only off medication for less than a week and I became suicidal. I laid up all night thinking about overdosing, but thankfully I didn't go through with it. The next day I was feeling the same way and emailed my husband about how I was feeling (since he was out of town working). He was concerned and called my dad, who then called me. He came over for awhile and my husband took the rest of the week off of work to come out and be with me since he knew I was in a very bad state. I basically cried for 3 straight days and sat around miserably, doing nothing but thinking of suicide. My dad and husband suggested I start taking my medication again, so I did. It was a really disappointing decision to make. I really had such high hopes that it would go well, yet within a week I was so down it was just unbelievable. A few days later I saw my psychiatrist and she basically said that without medication I probably wasn't as "resilient" as I was on it. I agree with her. Since being back on meds for the past 2 weeks my moods have evened out again and I am doing alright now. It is hard because I realize that I need these meds to be stable but I still have this inner battle with myself of not wanting to take them, of wanting to be "normal" like everyone else, but I know that will just never be. So I am trying to accept that this is the way things are and not be upset about it.

So that's where I am now. For the most part I am feeling fine and life is going on. On a sidenote, I didn't manage to quit smoking. Ahhhhh, hell.

Finally off meds!

Well here is the big news...I am officially OFF MEDICATION now. I actually wasn't going to go off for another week when I went to see my psychiatrist. But I had a few days where I forgot to take them and so I figured I would go ahead and stop now instead of resuming for a week and then quitting. It's been about 4 days and I feel fine, other than having some wicked insomnia. :)

Also, in other news I have decided to try to quit smoking. I woke up one day and the cigarettes just tasted horrible. Now I have very little desire to smoke, so I figured it was time to quit. I am weaning myself back because in the past when I have gone cold turkey I get terrible withdrawals and get migraines, feel sick, etc. So I am trying to cut back a little each day and hopefully by next week I will be off them. I think the biggest challenge is adjusting my habits...I am so used to breaking up my day by going out and smoking it is going to take some time to get used to that not being the case anymore. Also I always have cigarettes at certain times, like first thing in the morning and last thing at night so that will be a bit tough to get used to not having them then. Also, I am a little worried I will become depressed once I quit, since that is what happened last time and that can be a symptom of nicotine withdrawal. But I guess if it happens I will just have to ride it out. I know this is the best thing for my health as well as my kids. I don't smoke around them but they know when I am going outside to smoke and always make comments about it. So I know it is a bad influence. I just hope I can stick to it this time. :)

Lowering meds yet again

Well, the time is creeping up. New Years is almost upon us. I am excited. Time always seems to fly by after New Years hits and spring is on the way. We had a nice Christmas, opened all our gifts and had my dad over for dinner. It was a pretty good day.

I saw my psychiatrist a week or 2 ago and have been on 2.5 mg of Zyprexa, a quarter of what I originally started on. By next month I will be off meds entirely. I am really excited and can't wait to see how well I do. I saw my counselor, after not having been in for about 4 or 5 months. She was happy for me and supportive of my choice to try to go med free. Of course I've been documenting all of this in my video blogs. The response has been about 50/50. Some people think I need to stay on the meds, others are encouraging to me for going off them. So, only time will tell what happens. Everyone in my life is still supportive and knows about what is going on so they can help be on the lookout for signs if anything starts going awry again.

That's about all for now. Hope everyone has a good holiday season!

Feeling horrendous

Well I am having a terrible day today. Nothing is going right. My kids are bugging me. My dog is bugging me. I've attempted to do some baking...3 of 5 things did not turn out. So that is bugging me. I just feel irritable and in a pissy mood.

I've been on a lowered dose of Zyprexa for almost the last month. Things have been fine for the most part. The biggest thing I've noticed is being more alert at night and finding it harder to sleep. I have also had a couple of depressed days. Not on a consistent basis but I am wondering whether that is because of the lowered meds or if it is just a normal fluctuation of moods. I go in to see my psychiatrist in a few days and am anticipating on cutting my meds back yet again. Then I will be on a super low dose and should be able to go off after that.

I guess that is about all for now. The holiday season is upon us. I am actually excited and looking forward to Christmas. Moreso for my kids than for myself. They are all excited about opening gifts and they are loving the Christmas tree. It's pretty cute.

Starting to taper down on my meds...wahoo!!!

I am so excited. I've been thinking for quite awhile about going off of my meds and wanted to wait until I got into my psychiatrist to talk to her about it. Well, at first she was a little reluctant to go along with it but as we talked and she realized that I have given this a lot of thought she said she was on board with it. Yay! My main reason for wanting to go off meds is just because I feel I need to be 100% sure that I need them. I've been medicated ever since I got out of the hospital (a year and a half ago) and there is no way to know how I will be unless I try to go off them. So that is what I'm doing. I have a good support system around me and little stress in my life right now so I feel this is the best time to try to go off.

We decided to start tapering me back, so I have gone from 10 mg of Zyprexa to 5 mg. So half of what I was previously taking. It's only been a couple of days but I have noticed a difference mainly at night. My mind is much more alert and I find myself wide awake at late hours. I am trying to stay on a regular schedule though because I know that is one of the best things I can do to avoid having a manic episode.

Anyway I am totally excited and cannot wait to see what the future holds!

Whoops, forgot my meds...feeling hypomanic

Well, I had a weird experience the other night. We were out late and I totally forgot my meds. I didn't realize til about 12:30 when I had been laying in bed, tossing and turning and my mind was racing. I got up several times in the night because I just couldn't sleep. I hadn't felt that way in a long time! I just felt so much energy, I wanted to clean my house from top to bottom, I wanted to call everyone that I knew (which of course I didn't because it was the middle of the night.) It was a rough night. I finally wound up going to sleep around 3 am. I never stay up that late anymore and my meds do help me to sleep when I take them. Then the next day I still felt all this pent up energy and just wanted to go, go go. It did eventually get better though. But it was just a strange experience, feeling those hypomanic feelings again. It's been a looooong time since I felt that way.

Nicotine withdrawal causing depression

Well, well...it's been quite awhile since I updated. I checked my last actual blog post that wasn't poetry and it was from a month and a half ago!

I saw my therapist and since nothing new was happening, we decided to check back in 3 months. So my next appointment isn't until November. But that is fine with me.

I tried to quit smoking about a month ago, before my husband and I went on our anniversary trip to Hawaii. I stayed off the cigarettes for about 3 weeks and felt pretty down. I didn't understand why I had been doing so well for the last 9 months and then suddenly I felt depressed. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and she said we would wait til my next visit and see how I was doing but that she could prescribe an anti-depressant as well if I was open to that idea (which I'm really not.) She said if we did that, I run the risk of the anti-depressant sending me into a manic state. So I said we would just hold off and see how I was doing. Next week I go back in for a checkup.

Well I wasn't able to stay off the cigarettes and about a week ago started smoking again. Suddenly, my depression lifted. I don't know much about the effects of nicotine on the brain but I am convinced that it can effect mood. I did a little research and found out anxiety and depression (among other things) can be symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. Great. So when I do finally quit, I have a nice, several weeks long depression to look forward to. It's crazy how things we do affect our brains in ways we don't even think about or realize.

That's about all to update now. Winter is coming and the snow will be here any day. I hope I handle the winter ok this year. Last year I was pretty depressed for a couple of months, but I was also still on the med rollercoaster and hadn't found Zyprexa yet. I am hopeful that this winter, things will be different. I just have to settle in for hibernation :) Since I'm a stay at home mom to 3 year old twins, I don't do much or get out a lot in the winter. We'll see how it goes.

Lowering meds?

Not much new going on to report. I saw my psychiatrist a couple weeks ago, and we talked about lowering my meds. She seemed concerned that I didn't have any variance in my moods. I admit I have not had any manic days and no depressed days since I started Zyprexa in November or December. Every day is pretty much the same. She thought maybe if we lowered the dose slightly I could have that variance while still keeping the mania and depression at bay. I am currently on 10 mg and she talked about lowering it to 7.5 mg. I started on 5 mg but that was not enough, so then we went right to 10 mg.

She doesn't want to change up my meds now because we are getting ready to go on vacation in a couple weeks so she is waiting til my next visit to do any tweaking. We may or may not do anything at that time. We shall see.

That's about all for now. I go see my therapist for the first time in a few months in about a week. It should be an interesting visit!

Doing well...finally in my house!

Hi everyone...

Sorry it's taken me soooo long to update. I dunno what my problem has been. I guess I've just been busy taking care of my kids while my husband has been away. He returned from tech school this week so we have been even crazy busier than before! We are still in the process of moving in now and it is definitely a chore, but totally worthwhile. I am so excited to finally be in our own place. We have a lot of little projects (and some big projects) to work on so we will be busy all through this (short) summer.

Anyhow I am still stable and still on Zyprexa. I saw my therapist a few weeks ago and I am doing so well she doesn't need to see me for another couple of months. That, I am happy about. I also went to see my psychiatrist and she had me do labs to make sure I am not developing a "metabolic syndrome" that can happen with Zyprexa and my labs are all good. We decided to keep me on the Zyprexa after all. She wasn't concerned with the weight gain since it hasn't been excessive. I gained about 20-25 lbs initially and have lost some of that again, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself again. The weight gain isn't bothering me as much as it first did.

My anxiety is pretty much gone. It's strange how at times it can be so incapacitating I can hardly leave the house and at other times it is completely non-existent. I am just glad to be doing better.

That's about all that is noteworthy at the time. I am just enjoying life...I have stopped drinking excessively, although I do still drink socially. It's not as bad as it was at all though. Also, I quit smoking as of about 5 days ago so I am proud of that, and I am doing well. It's funny how when smoking, you tend to get in situations that will tempt you to smoke but when you aren't in those situations anymore the temptation is nearly gone. Since being in this new house and having a new routine I have not craved cigarettes at all. And I'm glad!!!


Thanks to everyone who is checking in on me to make sure I'm still kicking. :) I'll try my best to be better at keeping up this blog, I'm better at keeping up on my video blog on youtube. Check me out there if you're interested.

Homeowners

Well, it's official, my husband and I are now homeowners! It's pretty exciting, this is our first home and we are really looking forward to the whole experience. I've always lived either with relatives or in rentals so I can't wait to finally move in to this house. We've been slowly setting things up, we painted the entire house because the previous owners had hideous taste in colors and we changed them to more neutral, common colors, with the exception of my daughters' rooms which are light pink and light purple. Anyways, my husband who is in the Air Guard is going off to tech school for the next few weeks so we won't actually be moving in until he returns. I'm anxious for him to return and to finally start living our life. Although we are so grateful my dad has let us live here and save money for our downpayment on our home.

Anyway, as far as my illness I am still stable, trying not to drink as much. I started smoking again sporadically and I am really hoping to quit for good once my hubby gets back. I am so disappointed in myself for smoking at all...I feel so weak and pathetic for not being able to stay off them. However my counselor was telling me how different behaviors burn new neural pathways in the brain and by repeating those behaviors we reinforce those pathways, hence, why it is so easy to relapse when you smoke or drink or do drugs. So it's sucky - I wish I had never started smoking to begin with and I wouldn't be in this boat!

I still haven't seen my therapist or psychiatrist. I had to reschedule my appointments so I still have another 2 weeks to go. I am still thinking I'm going to get off the Zyprexa and hopefully try Geodon. At least, that's my plan as of now.

Wanting to switch meds

Well...it's been about a week since my last post, and no real changes going on. I don't go see my psychiatrist for another 2 weeks and won't see my therapist for another month. My doctor visits have been a lot more sporadic now that I've been stable for awhile, and basically they are just to touch base and make sure everything is going alright.

I'm debating on whether I want to go off the Zyprexa and try another med. Although Zyprexa has helped me gain stability it has also made me gain something else - a lot of weight! I have gained between 20-25 lbs and it is just beyond ridiculous. I am thinking I might like to try Geodon instead, because it isn't supposed to cause weight gain. And it may sound superficial, but I am going to Hawaii for my wedding anniversary this year and I really don't want to look like a beached whale in my bathing suit. :P But, we'll wait and see what my psychiatrist says.

Other than that, not much to report except that my husband and I are buying a house and we sign our closing paperwork in a couple of days. I am uber excited...I have wanted my own home since I was 18. Now, 10 years later my wish is finally coming true!

Feeling blase

Well, it's been awhile since I posted, I've been so bad about keeping up on my written blog. I swear I will try to do better from now on :)

I guess technically, I'm doing well. I'm stable, I haven't had any episodes in probably 3 or 4 months since being on the Zyprexa. And although that is a good thing, in a way it sucks. I find myself missing the rollercoaster. Why? I couldn't even tell you. Maybe because it was more exciting. Maybe because I was more creative, and I actually got things done. Maybe because I had ambition and motivation before. Although there is something to be said for stability, I miss feeling like my real self in ways, and I admit I have been tempted to stop taking my meds.

Truthfully, I've been drinking a lot more lately as well, and I know I need to stop that habit before it becomes too hard to quit. I think I drink because I want to feel something again, although the majority of time, it simply winds up putting me to sleep. Yet, still, I continue going to the bottle. Both of my parents have had problems with alcohol use so I guess it the apple wouldn't be falling far from the tree as they say. I find myself craving cigarettes all the time too. I quit in August but lately it's been a real struggle to stay off of them. The only thing that stops me is knowing I don't want my kids to see that and grow up thinking it's ok. But it is damn hard.

So, I should be happy right now, it's spring, the days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer. But I find myself in a strange state of blase, wishing that I felt something more than what I do.

Dealing with anxiety issues

Wow, it's been quite awhile since I've posted...about a month and a half. I must say I update my video blogs more often than my written blog, I think I have a lot of the same viewers of both though so people can still say somewhat current on what's going on with me.

The Zyprexa is still working out well for me. I haven't had any episodes since I have been on it, and I think its around 3 months or so now. I have gained a bit of weight...probably about 15 lbs. I'm not sure whether that is because it causes an increase in appetite or because it changes the way fats are metabolized. I think it's mainly the latter, but I'm not 100% sure.

Anyhow my current bag of worms is dealing with some anxiety issues. I can't remember if I blogged about it before but basically, I've always had somewhat of a problem with anxiety. When I was a teenager and went to a counselor for the first time I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder, which basically is chronic, excessive anxiety that is disproportionate to the situation. Now it's not something I've dealt with all the time but it is there more often than not, especially lately. I'm not really sure why it is coming out so much as of late but that's the case. I find myself having anxiety attacks over every little thing, big or small (granted, there have been a lot of big things going on in my life, so some anxiety is warranted, but not all of it.)

I'm just starting to explore these anxiety issues with my counselor and psychiatrist. My counselor informed me of some methods, like talking aloud to yourself about what is going on around you to help keep you in the moment and prevent you from worrying about the past or future. Most of the methods of dealing with anxiety focus on staying in the present and not straying to worry about things in the past or future, or things that are out of your control. It has helped, a little, but I wouldn't say the problem is gone. And that really sucks. Chronic anxiety can really be crippling, in some ways even moreso than the ups and downs of bipolar. Combine the two and you're dealing with a really tough pickle.

My psychiatrist suggested taking an anti-depressant to help deal with the anxiety but I passed on that for now. I've taken them before, as a teen and they made me feel like a zombie. Plus, I know it is controversial to give people with bipolar anti-depressants at all, because they can possible cause you to spiral into a manic episode and trigger problems, which my psychiatrist admitted. So yeah, I'm avoiding that road for now.

That's about all for now. In other news, we are in the middle of buying a home, so it's an exciting but very SLOW process. Maybe the next time I post I'll finally be a homeowner! I'll try to be better about updating this blog more often in the upcoming weeks.

Update on current meds - Zyprexa

Well it's been awhile since I posted anything, I  know, I'm lagging behind. But life stays pretty busy taking classes and taking care of kids! It's hard to find the time, sometimes.

Anyhoo, I've been on my latest med, Zyprexa, for a little over a month now. And I have to say, it's working out quite well for me. Maybe the 6th time's the charm. I haven't had any major side effects. It does make me a little sleepy after a few hours but I don't mind it (at least, at night time.) Also I have gained a little bit of weight, probably 5-10 lbs, which I don't really mind either. I was slim to begin with so it's not like 10 lbs will hurt me. Now if it continues to like 20+ lbs...then I think I will have a problem with it.

I've been charting my moods and they haven't dipped down below normal since I started on this med. I have been happy a lot more than I have been the past few months though and I'd say I feel closer to my "normal" self than I have in a long, long time...maybe even since around the time of my hospitalization?

I'm just thankful right now, and hoping that it all continues to pan out.

Winter solstice, shortest day of the year

It's been awhile since I've posted. Been caught up in the routine of day to day life I suppose. Today is the winter solstice - the shortest day of the year. I'm glad. Now the days will start growing longer and lighter again. I really need the light. Darkness isn't conducive to a happy mood.

I actually have been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks. Time is going quickly. I am taking Zyprexa now, I don't remember when I started...a few weeks ago I think. It makes me tired in the mornings after I wake up for awhile, and it makes me feel a little blah, but not too bad. It seems much better than Abilify. I wish I didn't have to take meds at all, but I'm not going to go off on that little rant again. :) I'll spare you all, this time.

Music making me reminisce...

So I’m sitting here, having a few drinks and listening to music. And I just had to post a little random thought. Isn’t it strange how music can conjure emotional, visceral sensations, simply pulled from a memory? It makes me marvel at the brain even more than I already do. It makes me wonder at the actual biological processes that even cause a memory to occur, let alone its linkage to a sight, smell, or tactile feeling. It never ceases to put me in a state of awe.

I’m listening to “Can Anybody Hear Me?” by Meredith Andrews. And it puts me right back to the week I came home from the hospital…wandering the dark, rainy evening streets of my neighborhood alone night after night. It brings up so many mental pictures…so many feelings…the wetness of my jeans dragging in the puddles of spring rain…the gray cloudy sky swirling above me as I walk, causing punctured rays of light to shine on me in slivers…the feeling of understanding and ease when I sat, doing puzzles with Andrew (a fellow inpatient) and just talking…the feeling of hope for better days and recovery…all of these things swirl into one giant mélange that there are no real words to describe. I just sit now, immersed in it all, experiencing it all again as I listen closely to the tune, smiling at its comforting familiarity, and the memories that it takes me to.

Going on my 6th med, lottttttttttttts of side effects

The weather here has been absolutely crazy. We went from 30 degrees and freezing rain last week (everything was closed and no one went to work for a few days because of hazardous conditions) to -30 degrees today. Oh my gosh….it’s COLD. Funny how when winter ends, we forget about how awful it was until it rolls around. I’m really hoping that this time next year, we’ll be moving to a warmer climate again.

As far as my mental state, I’m going on my 6^th, that’s right SIXTH med trial since my hospitalization. Ugh…I’m so worn out and frustrated. Not much seems to work and even if it does the side effects wind up being unbearable. My most recent med was Abilify, which I thought was working…well, then I started getting anxious, insomnia and this awful restless, jittery feeling like I could not sit still and wanted to crawl out of my skin. My counselor and psychiatrist told me it’s a phenomenon called “akathisia.” And it happens frequently on Abilify. Greeeeeeaaaat. Add to that the side effects I’ve had from Risperdal and I haven’t been doing too hot. So today at my appointment, my doc told me to go cold turkey. BYE-BYE ABILIFY! BYE-BYE RISPERDAL!

We’re going to go a week or so and then start me on a new med, Zyprexa. Risperdal, Abilify and Zyprexa are all in the “anti-psychotic” class of medication.

As a quick side note that is strange yet interesting and kind of gets me wondering, is that there are two classes of meds for bipolar “anti-psychotic” meds and “mood stabilizing” meds. The only psychiatric condition mood stabilizers treat, that I’m aware of, is bipolar. Anti-psychotics on the other hand, treat bipolar, schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorder. I queried my counselor about why I keep taking the anti-psychotic type of meds rather than mood stabilizers, and she told me that it isn’t uncommon for people who have bipolar with “schizophrenic features” to be treated in such a way. It has made me think even more about the link between schizophrenia and bipolar, and it’s definitely an area I will be doing more research. The fact that I respond more to anti-psychotic meds than mood stabilizing meds leads me to believe that schizophrenia and bipolar do indeed lie on a continuum and that people have varying degrees of illness and can have multiple overlapping symptoms.

Anyways, Zyprexa is next. I hope that it works but deep down I’m worried that I will have negative side effects like every other med. So far, the list of what I’ve tried, in order, is as follows:

Lamictal – no side effects, but also did nothing and didn’t prevent me from becoming manic again

Risperdal – made me start lactating (ew), increased emotional blunting and feelings of ambivalence, lack of sexual desire, foggy confused sensation

Seroquel – paranoid psychotic/suicidal reaction

Lithium – nausea, vomiting, unbearable headache, shakiness, lethargy, muscle aches

Abilify – akathisia, anxiety, insomnia

As you can see, it hasn’t been a fun 7 months. But I’m trying to stay positive.

Insomnia and apathy due to meds

Well, it's almost 1 am and I can't sleep so figured I would post an update. Winter has set in and we've had crazy weather, warm with freezing rain so for a few days, no one has been able to go anywhere. It's making me even more stir crazy than I already get in winter, which is bad. I got some natural light bulbs to put in the lamps here to help my mood and energy. I think it's working a bit, however, I don't think you are supposed to use them into the night hours, which may be why I have insomnia right now!

Currently I'm dealing with ambivalence/apathy in a big way. I believe part of it is my medication. Truthfully, I haven't felt like myself in a long long time. Most days I just feel sort of "there" and this has been going on many months now. It's a crappy feeling. I think I've been confusing some of the way I've been feeling with depression when in fact some of it has been effects of the medication. I'm on Risperdal and Abilify right now, and I am going to talk to my doc about going off the Risperdal totally. As a side story, it originally made my hormone levels high...so high I started producing milk as if I were pregnant. Ewwwww. (I always seem to get the rare side effects). So I am supposed to only be on it now as a "placeholder" for something else. We did a blood test of my prolactin levels (hormone that makes you produce milk) and the normal range is between 10-40ish. My levels were 150. So yeah...that alone makes it not the greatest med for me. Add to that, it makes me foggy, confused, unable to concentrate, unmotivated and just overall "blah" and you can see why I want to go off it. I really am tired of feeling this way. I am ready to get back to myself again...the me before meds. I don't know if I can without stopping them entirely. It's something I've been contemplating a lot.

Need to address buried issues

So I’ve been charting my moods again. I started doing this after I got out of the hospital but fell off the wagon because it’s one of those things you just forget to do. Well I’m back at it again at the suggestion of my psychiatrist and I’ve noticed that in general, over the past 2 weeks my mood has improved from severe depression to mild depression and even up to normal on some days. So I was thinking “Wow, this just keeps getting better!” And then I go and have a day like today. Ugh.

I’m feeling down today for personal reasons I don’t really want to get into. But all  of this has brought a lot of things to mind that I think I need to discuss with my counselor. As you know from my sidebar, I vlog on YouTube about living with bipolar, and I also watch others vids on bipolar and other issues that are pertinent to me, mainly other mental health topics. Anyhow, I was watching tonight and some videos really hit home to me and made me realize there is still a lot that is buried that I have not discussed with anyone. There are some things that I have basically kept to myself and tried to deal with, thinking it was something I could change or that I was just being weak. But now, I’m beginning to wonder if some of these issues stem from other emotional issues/areas and not from environmental factors like I’ve been believing. If that is indeed the case, there may be ways I can work on these issues instead of trying to muddle through with all these feelings and live with them by changing all the physical things around me.