Feeling blase

Well, it's been awhile since I posted, I've been so bad about keeping up on my written blog. I swear I will try to do better from now on :)

I guess technically, I'm doing well. I'm stable, I haven't had any episodes in probably 3 or 4 months since being on the Zyprexa. And although that is a good thing, in a way it sucks. I find myself missing the rollercoaster. Why? I couldn't even tell you. Maybe because it was more exciting. Maybe because I was more creative, and I actually got things done. Maybe because I had ambition and motivation before. Although there is something to be said for stability, I miss feeling like my real self in ways, and I admit I have been tempted to stop taking my meds.

Truthfully, I've been drinking a lot more lately as well, and I know I need to stop that habit before it becomes too hard to quit. I think I drink because I want to feel something again, although the majority of time, it simply winds up putting me to sleep. Yet, still, I continue going to the bottle. Both of my parents have had problems with alcohol use so I guess it the apple wouldn't be falling far from the tree as they say. I find myself craving cigarettes all the time too. I quit in August but lately it's been a real struggle to stay off of them. The only thing that stops me is knowing I don't want my kids to see that and grow up thinking it's ok. But it is damn hard.

So, I should be happy right now, it's spring, the days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer. But I find myself in a strange state of blase, wishing that I felt something more than what I do.