Bipolar State of Being listed as one of Healthline's Best Bipolar Blogs for the second year!

Exciting news everyone…it has just been brought to my attention that I’ve made Healthline’s list for the Best Bipolar Disorder Blogs of 2015!!! This is the second year I’ve been recognized by Healthline and well, I’m really happy about that. It’s nice to know that the work you’ve done is appreciated and ultimately helpful to others.

Here’s the review they gave my blog (which actually hasn’t changed since last year but since I never mentioned it, here it is!):

Each blogger brings a unique perspective to living with bipolar disorder. For Nicole, author of Bipolar State of Being, it’s surviving and thriving as a mom. Her insights into having this disorder and borderline personality disorder are pure inspiration. The blog should be required reading for all mothers battling mental illness.

Nicole posts a mixture of personal essays, poetry, and links to informative and useful sites. The posts are clearly a positive outlet for her, but they also provide hope and a sense of support and community for her readers.

You know, when I first started this blog, I didn’t think anyone would read it. I never intended to do it long term, but it spawned so much with just that quick decision to begin sharing with the online world. From my blogging beginning with Bipolar State of Being, I branched out and started video blogging on YouTube. I actually never intended to do that at all! I simply made a couple of intro videos for this blog, so that readers could see who I was. But my channel took off, and much like my experience with blogging, I decided to keep at it.

It’s now been 5 years and I do not regret this path at all…in fact, I would say going public has probably been one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve come to feel comfortable in my skin and accept who I am, and that is worth more to me than anything. It’s been a long journey but completely worthwhile.

I have had so many amazing experiences and met so many wonderful people through this all, and that never would have happened had I stayed silent. It’s given me so much more insight, so much more perspective not only on what I live but the lives of everyone who is affected by bipolar or any mental health issue. I realized what a passion I have for this field, and have made it my career goal to enter graduate school so I can pursue mental health research, because it means so much to me. The experience of blogging/vlogging has been really, really great, and I thank everyone who has read, commented, emailed, shared their stories with me…everyone who has inspired me, thanked me, encouraged me…you all mean so so much to me! You truly do!!!

(And if you want to check out the list of Best Bipolar Blogs from Healthline for 2015…here it is!)

- Healthline Best Bipolar Blogs of 2015 -

Awareness is crucial in managing bipolar disorder off meds

Our circumstances can make us depressed. Seems like a fairly obvious statement, yes?

Sadly though, this fact is overlooked in the mental health field a lot, and even in our own personal lives. I know after being diagnosed with bipolar, I started to buy into all the messages out there – I NEEDED meds, it was bipolar that was making me depressed, I should monitor my moods so that I could alter my meds, etc. Sure, I had counseling but it mainly focused on – bipolar! Everything in a round about way came back to bipolar. I thought I was gaining clarity by listening to these messages. After all, these doctors and nurses and counselors were the experts, right?

During that time I was making videos a lot and still journaling so I have a lot of detailed accounts of how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. It is amazing to me looking back how unaware I was the vast majority of my life! I had a great deal of INSIGHT into my FEELINGS but very little AWARENESS of WHY I felt that way. I made one video about depression in 2010 and how nothing was going on in my life to make me depressed, and that it must have been bipolar. Yet, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and how they were affecting me.

During that particular time I made that video, I recall exactly what was going on, and my life was NOT going great at all. My husband and I were having major conflicts. It had been going on for months though so I think I just discounted it as having an effect on me, when I now see it was one of the main causes of my depression. Also, we were living with relatives at the time which was becoming stressful. We were looking for our own house, also stressful. I was taking care of twin 2 year olds, stressful. I can’t believe I didn’t take all that into account when looking at my mental state and the way it would fluctuate!!! I just thought, ohhhh, it’s bipolar…that stinks…maybe tomorrow would be better. In a way it kept me from addressing things in my life that were affecting me, because I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong things (bipolar/biological/medical problem) and not enough on other things (relationships/family life/stress level).

I guess I felt compelled to make this blog today because I think the current message in the mental health field is doing a disservice to those diagnosed with depression or bipolar. Here is my 2 cents…

I believe that many mental illnesses (including depression and bipolar) begin with an inherent sensitivity. This is something currently being researched in the mental health field and I do believe this is barking up the right tree, so to speak. I believe this sensitivity makes a person more likely to be affected by external stimuli. This can then manifest as many different things – anxiety, depression, mania.

For example – take an average person and a person with bipolar. Put them in a situation where they are going through a break-up. The average person will feel sad and maybe even depressed. The bipolar person may dwell on it incessantly, feel suicidal, perhaps even attempt suicide. The same stimuli but much more intense emotions related to that stimuli. (Keep in mind this is just a random example, of course this isn’t true of every average person or bipolar person! I’m just making a generalization.)

So, if I were to go to my psychiatrist and tell them all this, (in my fictional example) one of the first things they would be concerned with is: medication! Upping meds, changing meds, etc. They have the viewpoint that these things must be dealt with by pharmaceuticals. I used to believe that and I went along with it all. Now, I feel differently.

So many times over the course of my treatment, everything got lumped under the category “It’s because you have bipolar.” Is it? Well, no not really. Does being depressed because I have marital conflict mean it’s related to bipolar? Hardly. If I addressed the bigger issue (marital problems) could I help mediate the effects on my “illness”? I say yes.

Bipolar or not, we are all human beings. We feel low when we get divorced, lose a friend, have a family member that dies, lose a pet. Now, those are BIG things. But even little things affect us too. Having a stressful day at work. A sick child. An upcoming deadline. Interpersonal conflict. Too often, these things are not addressed in psychiatry or in counseling as far as ways to cope with these issues in healthy, non-medical means. Somehow, everything always comes back to an illness, even if it is a legitimate problem. To this day, within the bipolar community, whenever I say things that others view as extreme, they caution me that I must be having an episode. I deeply appreciate the care and concern. But it really goes to show just how ingrained the idea has become even within OURSELVES and TO ourselves that mental illness is WHAT we are. That we are helpless. That we cannot change or improve without meds. That any sort of variation means we better get some new meds, pronto, and that will help our situation.

Now, I think at times, medication plays a role but that often, when we learn to be aware of ourselves, our moods, our surroundings and WHAT is causing these feelings we can address them in a more pro-active way. Many people in the mental health system (including myself) did everything “right”. We went to counseling, we took the meds, we followed the regime for YEARS. But that is only addressing one small piece of the puzzle. We are multi-faceted individuals and must deal with our lives in a holistic manner, instead of focusing everything on ONE THING – our illness. That doesn’t help us, but instead keeps us trapped in a cycle we can never get out of. I often wondered WHY I wasn’t getting better despite doing all the “right” things (and believe me, I have heard the same thing from others about a million times! People want to know WHY these meds aren’t fixing their depression or their mood swings, WHY they aren’t getting better. Ultimately it can lead to a worse feeling of depression, because on top of the initial depression, there is depression for having “failed” to get better.)

I am now almost a year off meds and am so much more aware of myself than I was at the beginning of my mental health journey almost 5 years ago, and I am so thankful for that. Like I said, I could identify my feelings but not WHY I felt that way. I now understand: all the variation of mood, how various social cues trigger my moods or affect them (positive or negative), how the behaviors I engage in affect me, how all of this affects others. It’s not something that occurs overnight but is a learning process that occurs over time and with observation. Does that mean I’m now “fixed”? No. But it puts me ahead of the game because I can anticipate things before they happen. I can be prepared. I minimize the chances of being caught off guard. When bad things do happen, I can learn from them and try to adjust things/situations in the future. I know my weaknesses and limitations and try to take those into account when making plans or scheduling particular outings or things of that nature. For example, I now know that working hard on something can trigger elevated mood or “mania” for me. So, I don’t avoid working hard, but if I notice signs, I can either enjoy the ride or if it becomes extreme, back off and try to do calming activities to mediate the excitation happening in my brain. If I start feeling depressed and notice I’m ruminating on negative thoughts, I can purposely cut off the train of thought and engage in something more uplifting – some happy music, or watching a funny video, or talking to a close friend. If I weren’t aware of the effects of my environment on me, I couldn’t do any of these things! Awareness is SO important. I think it is THE most important thing in dealing with mental illness, period.

So my advice to anyone new to the mental health system or newly diagnosed is this – FIRST, take stock of your own life. No one knows you like YOU. You are the best advocate for yourself. We may like the idea of a fairy godmother or white knight swooping in and fixing us or fixing our lives but that isn’t reality. We must be our own advocates in life. Understanding yourself better can help you understand your moods and ways of coping or self-medicating (drugs/alcohol/self-injury/bingeing/social withdrawal, etc.) that are unique to you. You can in turn begin to address these things. SECOND – Don’t believe the hype. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar (or even if you just think you may have it) not everything about you is “because you have bipolar”! Bipolar in itself doesn’t make a person inherently – quiet, loud, obnoxious, generous, loving, selfish or any other thing. We all have to accept that we have our own traits regardless of bipolar. Don’t fall into the trap of believing “I’m a thrill seeker…it’s because I have bipolar!” or “I don’t like people. It’s because I have bipolar.” Not only is that boxing yourself in, but some of it isn’t even true (bipolar is simply a tendency for extreme mood experiences and shifts.) While you may be able to say you’re a thrill seeker while in an elevated mood state, if you’re like that all the time, it’s just your personality. (I’m going to go ahead and say that most people realize a lot of their own personality traits, good or bad. We don’t all admit them openly to others though!) Lumping all these things under the heading of “bipolar” may make you feel better for a while and you may feel validated that it’s not all in your head, (I know I did) but eventually it will consume you. Bipolar will become the only thing you see about yourself and in a weird way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you’re nuts and so you act nuts, so people treat you nuts and so you believe you’re nuts…It will make you feel worse and not better. And that isn’t what any of us want, bipolar or not.

LASTLY, Many times, bipolar or not, addressing the true issues in life can bring more happiness than simply relying on a pill. There is no miracle pill to cure bipolar or depression. But healing starts with AWARENESS. A person can never change something they are unaware of. If you walked around with spinach in your teeth all day and never looked in a mirror, would you think to floss your teeth right away? Probably not. You wouldn’t even be aware of it. But if you thought to yourself while you were eating your salad that you better head to the bathroom after you eat and make sure your pearly whites were white instead of green, you’d head off any unforeseen embarrassment. Point is, be aware. Aware of YOURSELF, aware of what is AROUND you. Notice how things affect you, what your particular “weaknesses” are, what triggers your moods (both down and up). Is it having too much to do in a short time? Is it dealing with money troubles? Relationship troubles? Is it being involved in a cool class? Experiencing something new? Really take a step back and assess your own life. You can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. Only by truly looking at yourself as a whole can you begin to understand how to take steps that will bring the improvements you seek.

I don't need fixing

I’m a roll with my blogging again. You know, I don’t think I’ve been this active on my blog since I first started it! I got really busy with my vlogging on YouTube and didn’t write much. I stopped journaling then also. Now I’m back into both and it is really fulfilling. I know YouTube reaches a wider audience, and I will still make videos but there is just something special about the written word…I don’t know why.

BEWARE!!! This post may be pretty triggering and upsetting to some. So, you have been warned.

So I’m going through a transition period. I’ve changed my YouTube channel name from Bipolar State of Being to Nicole For Real. Why? Because there is more to me than bipolar. Because honestly, I’m not sure I even view myself as “mentally ill” anyway. I don’t think I do. Being mentally ill implies that I have a disease, a “sickness”. Does having more intense moods than an average person qualify me as “sick”? Actually, in this country, yes. Sadly, I bought into it for a long time. I think I’ve gotten a lot of crap messages from people and society that told me I was defective and needed fixing. And I believed them. I thought I needed to fix myself, and I tried REEEEAAAAAAALLLLY hard to do that, to do all the things those people asked.

Grow a thicker skin and stop being so sensitive.

Quit being melodramatic.

Deal with it.

Quit complaining.

Take your meds.

Try harder!!!

Wow, so there is a lot to address there. Let me make a little list.

1)     Sensitivity. Sensitivity is not a character flaw, like many people try to make it seem. It is actually in many cases as asset. People who are sensitive, well, SENSE more. We feel more deeply, love more passionately, empathize wholeheartedly. I think most of this country at least, could benefit from a large helping of sensitivity. In ways it can be painful to feel such heightened emotions but it ways it is like enlightenment. So, do I believe I am flawed and need to “quit it”? Errrrrr, no. At times it causes me pain but at times it causes me intense joy.

2)     The med issue. Ok, this is huge and too big to get into it all now. But in short, I used to believe what everyone said, that I NEEEEED meds, that meds will make me better, that to be “responsible” I HAD to take them, etc. etc. etc. Never mind that they all had horrible side effects and a lot of the time, no real positive effects. But, you NEED them, “that’s what the doctors say!!!!” And we all know, the only people who are capable of making choices, being intelligent, or using their God given reasoning ablilites are doctors *insert sarcasm*. Certainly, “mentally ill” people have no right to challenge THE DOCTORS!!! Ok, so I didn’t. I deferred to them, the “professionals” I sucked it up, I ate the little white pills like a good girl should. Hmmm, those didn’t work. Try these. Now these. Now these. Now these. Oh, come on, one of these is bound to work!!! But…but…wait. Four years later, I wasn’t any better off than when I started! HUH????????

3)     Societal expectations. Alright so this is sort of a combination of the above two. Here’s how it works. We (the patient, the person, the one experiencing the moods, however you would like to describe it) have some difficulties functioning. We become depressed, or anxious, or Maybe suicidal. We, or others we know, insist that we seek help. What do we need help with? The terrible feelings we feel, learning how to deal with these feelings, trying to figure out what exactly we can do to STOP feeling these terrible feelings. We fit the criteria, and so we have a “disorder”. Now that we know we aren’t normal, and everyone else becomes aware that we aren’t normal, we have to do something. We have to fix it. We treat disorders by medicating them, right? 

So forgive me, I didn’t mean this to sound as scathing as it does (upon rereading) but it comes from a real anger.

So let me simmer down a bit and address in a more calming manner. What is my point here? My point is that people with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, BPD, (indeed, most mental illnesses) just WANT TO FEEL BETTER WHEN WE ARE DOWN. At times, we are grasping at straws, just trying to keep our heads afloat (yeah, I’m mixing metaphors there.) Many of us are actually relieved to GET the diagnosis of the disorder because now we are validated, our pain has been validated. All those people who told us to suck it up have been thwarted, they don’t have a leg to stand on because the medical community tells them it is “real”. You know what the saddest thing is? That people, as a whole, are so insensitive, that they need the medical community to TELL THEM that depression/anxiety/intense moods are real!!! I guess that is the really staggering thing to me.

Our society seems to be shining the spotlight on mental illness more, and in previous times, it was helpful. After all, anyone dealing with any sort of mental issue knows that what we really want is validation, acceptance, love, caring, empathy, NOT to be turned into somebody else. And often (depending on the issue), this can help more than medication. Some medications have been shown to be almost totally ineffective, yet they are still prescribed and touted as the way to treat certain mental illness. DOUBLE HUH??? Why??? Because that is the current idea in society. Take the little white (or blue, or red) pills and your life will get better. That’s the message we all hear, and we have to believe because we are offered no alternative. And don’t even think about mentioning God or spirituality. You will be labeled as even more severely ill than before. Because no mentally sane person could believe in God! *insert more sarcasm* Here, take more white pills, quick!!!

Now, back to my harping on society, and how we want validation, acceptance, love and empathy. It is because WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS not because WE ARE “DEFECTIVE” “SICK” OR “ILL”. Every single person on earth wants those things, especially when they are going through hardships! I personally am really tired of the patronizing labels. Many people with mental illness are intelligent, talented, charismatic, witty, outgoing, sensitive, or a host of other positive attributes. It’s anecdotally known (and I’m sure that I could dig up research as well) that people tend to seek help when they are in low periods. During these periods we describe our lives in the blackest of terms because that is how we truly feel. But when the period passes, our energy comes back to us, we may be positive and cheerful and going about our daily lives as usual. Some things may be long lasting, but virtually no mind is paid to any sort of social factors in our lives that could be affecting us (Are we having marital problems? Job issues? Money troubles? Kids suspended from school?) No, it’s just because we are sick. If we took enough white pills, we could cope with our cheating spouses and being laid off and having insane debts and kids acting out. Darn it, we are weak, we have diseased brains, that’s why we have problems and we need those pills!!! (Oh, and by the way, here is half my salary to pay for the pills that run $600 for a month supply. I just paid $20 a pill to feel crappier!!! TRIPLE HUH???)

People really seem to fall into two camps when it comes to the mental illness issue. They think either A) it isn’t real and that people are exaggerating or making things up or B) it is extremely serious and that you must treat any “mentally ill” person with kid gloves, or like they are a child or invalid. Now, neither one of these is really correct. Granted, I’m sure there are some people who exaggerate (not just illness but anything) and I’m sure there are people who are incapacitated or unable to function independently most of the time. But I believe many “mentally ill” folks like myself fall somewhere in the middle.

So let’s take me as an example. I’m not even sure how “severe” I would be classified as. It’s like the saying “When I’m good, I’m REALLY good, and when I’m bad, I’m REALLY bad.” Is that an indicator of severity? Does having more “severe” moods warrant special treatment above and beyond a “normal” mentally ill person? Now we’re getting into weird semantic categories that just get murky and confused and have people battling within their own communities over who is “worse off”. Holy cow, that is not one I want to win (although, to my chagrin, I at once believed I needed to!)

I am in no way demeaning anyone who has a mental illness (as it is currently called). When I first started moving away from all these negative messages that society is meting out, I was met by hostility by many in the mental health community, which saddened me. I think they perceived me as blaming people with mental illness or as attacking them and saying “Man up!” But I’m not. I’m doing the opposite. I’m saying, by golly, we have been sold a lie and we deserve MORE than that. We deserve more than hollow promises by medical professionals, more than patronizing pats on the back. We want UNDERSTANDING. We truly want to FEEL GOOD and not BAD. I am tired of being DEFINED by an “illness”. We even are guilty of propagating it ourselves. Look at what I titled my blog for Pete’s sake! We call ourselves “bipolar people” “depressed people” “borderline people” “anxious people”. We are human beings. Bipolar is not me. I am not bipolar. I am Nicole. I have ups and I have downs. Maybe I'm a bit eccentric. I am creative and loving and yes, intense. But I am not broken. And I don’t need fixing.

(And if you don’t agree with me, and you think I am a wackjob, that is your preprogative. If you are happy with your meds and doctors, you have my full support. I’m not criticizing anyone who chooses to take this path or continue on it. It is a personal choice for each individual and up to them to decide whether it is worthwhile or helpful. If it is, I encourage you to continue and do not listen to me. I’m speaking my own personal thoughts and experiences, and what I have seen and heard within the online mental health community for several years.)

Irate at misinformation and ignorant characterizations of people with bipolar/borderline/mental illness!!!

It is scary how much lack of information or misinformation there is out there regarding mental illness. I think this is obvious to anyone who deals with these issues personally, but it never ceases to amaze me, no matter how much time passes. I think it’s getting worse in this age of technology. So many people post things online and anyone can access them and read them and think “Oh, this is the way it is” or “Oh, this is true.” Granted, truth is subjective in nature, depending on what you’re looking into. The “truth” of one person’s experience may not be “truth” to another person. I am all for sharing personal experiences because I think that is really how we all learn more about mental disorders and how the brain works and functions. If no one ever shared, very little would be gained. We would be subject to the interpretations (often wrong) of the doctors and authorities and those around us. That is why I think it so important for mental health patients to speak about their experiences, and to educate the public and educate doctors and clinicians as well.

I have noticed when I do research on mental health topics I find interesting, there is ALWAYS misinformation that pops up. Sometimes it is just a random opinion of someone that is inaccurate or ignorant. Sometimes it is information that is actually posted on what many consider to be REPUTABLE sites! A HUGE offender is the website “PsychCentral”. I have seen so much offensive, inaccurate, erroneous information regarding mental health on that website that frankly, it is scary.

I have also noticed several websites of private psychiatrists, psychologists and the like describing mental health afflictions like bipolar and borderline. I’ve been appalled at how many of these characterizations are over simplified or simply WRONG. I think this is due to a few things. 

A) These clinicians do not LIVE with these issues personally therefore they lack an inherent understanding of them and how they work or feel on an internal level. They use themselves as a reference point and assume that they know what all people are feeling or thinking when they don’t. They’re simply projecting their own thoughts onto others and making generalizations based on that. 

B) Their knowledge base mainly stems from what I would call “textbook knowledge” or what they learned while in graduate school. A person can have all the book knowledge in the world but without a deeper understanding and intuition into the area, they will not “get it”, they will not truly be able to piece things together on a visceral level or in a holistic way. I’ve dealt with many clinicians who even years into their profession, discussed disorders in a “textbook” way only. I liken it to male gynecolegists/obstetricians. Sure, they have some knowledge. But could they ever REALLY know what it is like to carry a child and give birth, and advise someone accordingly? Not really. Their answers will always involve “textbook” replies. They take a pre-set model (which may not even be accurate to begin with) and they then apply this model to their patients. If a patient presents differently, it is assumed it is the patient that is wrong, and not the pre-set model. I think in a way so many doctors today lack problem solving skills or critical thinking ability. They may be able to recite a long list of medications and textbook presentations of known illnesses but beyond that, they can’t really offer much. 

C) They have biases. Let’s face it. EVERYONE has biases whether they realize it or not. How we grew up, our religious (or lack of religious) views, our experiences with particular groups of people – these all influence our thoughts and opinions. The problem with bias is when it causes a person (or people) to make unfair generalizations about others. To say “People with bipolar disorder have difficulty regulating their emotions” would be accurate. I doubt anyone with bipolar would take offense to such wording. But to say “People with bipolar are angry and lack self-control” is not totally accurate. Are some people with bipolar that way? Sure. Is EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. with bipolar that way? Uh, no. People on the “outside” who are looking for information may take it as true and then THEY have a negative pre-set model in their head, if they were ever to meet such an individual. They would already have a preconceived notion and bias themselves, just because of what some random doctor said. (And while I’m at it, I just have to mention, they obviously aren’t even good doctors at all or they would know their characterizations were incorrect and lack sensitivity.)

It bothers me SO much because I think how an unknowing individual might go searching for information and what do they get? Search results with a bunch of garbage mixed in with some pertinent information or accurate/helpful insights here and there. I recall searching for information years back and being disheartened by it. It was filled with negative messages and despair about how the disorders were hard to treat, there was no cure, the people were “difficult” etc. All the horrible stigma surrounding them is actually in these cases increased by the very people who are supposed to be advocating for these people, their patients! If I read one more doctor talk about how “manipulative” BPD patients are and how they “lack empathy” I think I will reach through my screen and choke them (Oh, how BORDERLINE of me – I must be exhibiting some psychopathology by that comment! *note sarcasm*)

Characterizations like that convince me that these psychiatrists/counselors lack knowledge, understanding and even compassion, and have an inability to see their patients or anyone with a mental disorder as human beings. They are talked about as if they are mere things, like they are without feelings, consciousness or souls. And frankly, it makes me irate. Why? Because all people want to be heard and to be understood. And people who deal with mental health issues certainly don’t need people within the mental health field making them feel worse about the very things they are trying to work on or improve, or characterizing them in pompous, condescending ways. I can’t help but wonder why people get into this field if they lack that fundamental empathy and compassion for those they are supposed to help?

So, what happened to all the GOOD doctors in the world? Are there any left?