Replacing NEGATIVE messages with POSITIVE ones in BPD/borderline

I want to discuss negative messages and positive messages when it relates to BPD, and how important these two concepts are.

All throughout life, I’ve gotten more negative messages than positive ones. The following are some of the terrible messages I actually heard from various outside sources, mostly people I loved or was close to, (occasionally by acquaintances or strangers). Some of these I heard repeatedly or over long periods of time:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re insecure.”

“You’re not special.”

“So-and-so is better than you.”

“You’re selfish.”

“You look weird.”

“You’re unattractive when you sleep.” (This is verbatim.)

“You’re too needy.”

“You’re anti-social.”

“You have no self-esteem.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re boring.”

“You’re a burden.”

“You cry too much.”

“You need plastic surgery.”

“You’re too skinny.”

“You’re a nag.”

“You’re a whore/slut/bitch.”

“You’re easy/sleazy.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You just want attention.”

“You’re doing it to yourself” (this in response to telling the person that I was depressed, while crying).

“What’s WRONG with you???”

“I hate you.”

Yes, those are all real phrases that people said, and I can remember some of the explicit events where the words hurt me so much I never forgot them (hence the ability to make this list). Others happened a lot and became just a conglomeration over time. But, these were comments occurring over the course of my whole life, not just in childhood. Some of these got reinforced so much I came to BELIEVE they were true, even in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary.

Were they true though? Of course not. I know that logically now. The people saying them were just people – people with flaws and problems of their own. I see now that often the things they said were just their own insecurities projected onto me. I didn’t know that then though. I didn’t really understand much about how the mind works or how people think.

I gave these people a measure of authority in my life though, either because they were family members or friends or lovers or teachers or people I cared for. Even when the messages came from strangers, they were painful though. No one likes to be criticized, no one likes to hear negative feedback, especially unsolicited.

Most of my life I was a quiet, conscientious girl, a helpful and caring person. I did well in school and I received many awards. I was affectionate and loving. Certainly not the type of person who would warrant such harsh words and treatment from others, which made it that much more painful to me. “I’m trying so hard…” I would think. Yet, according to people around me, it wasn’t good enough. But I didn’t know any better…I internalized it all. It BECAME true. It BECAME the reality. It BECAME who I was, and who I believed I was. I wanted to believe in the “real” person inside…that loving, sweet, gentle little girl…but how could I? I got told too often how bad I really was.

It’s safe to say, messages such as that from numerous close people are not conducive to building a proper self-model and self-esteem. Their beliefs became my beliefs. I was ugly, a worthless burden, too aggravating to live. How can a person who lives with those internal feelings NOT be depressed? What reason is there to live when those you look up to make you believe that you are nothing? It’s no surprise that those with BPD are among the highest suicide rates of any mental illness. When a highly sensitive person hears/sees/is made to believe these negative messages, it introduces a blackness, a toxin into that person’s soul that grows and grows.

We become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dogs (who were trained to salivate at the sound of a bell) or the subjects B.F. Skinner studied that became conditioned to a stimulus and reacted accordingly (look up Skinner or behaviorism if you aren’t familiar with the ideas.) Some of the behaviors associated with BPD are learned responses, not something there from birth, which is really important and worth noting.

A person who does not receive much if any positive feedback will naturally seek it out somewhere, and sometimes by any means they can for self-preservation. It can manifest in different ways. Changing appearance to be more attractive and gain positive attention, sleeping with random people in order to FEEL loved or wanted, “perfecting” our abilities so that others will not be able to hold any flaw against us, withdrawing or avoiding relationships so that others do not see the supposed flaws (those are but a few examples). None of these actions are about the other person, they are about us. But these things hurt us in the end. They don’t get us what we want. In superficial ways they may, for a very short time, but they don’t last. What we want is true understanding and caring and love. Someone to say, “You aren’t ugly, you’re beautiful,” and to sincerely mean it or “I love that you’re sensitive. That is the thing that is most precious to me.” That doesn’t make a person needy or weird to desire those things. It makes them human.

I think I would have continued on forever believing all the bad messages. But finally, I realized they were wrong. It didn’t happen overnight by any means. It took a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of outside affirmation. I will be honest. It took years to even have some modicum of self-worth. 

 

I now see the importance of positive messages, positive reinforcement and encouragement. Children respond more to “Great try, let’s make another!” than “That looks terrible, do it again.” They respond more to affirmation than punishment. But even beyond just children, all people need love, they need caring, support, warmth. When it is lacking, it causes severe mental distress and can indeed lead to mental issues later in life.

I am not “cured” of any of my mental illnesses, and I have periods of extreme depression and suicidal ideation still (in fact I have been going through hell the last few days). But after a day or 2 of feeling this way, I realize I have to get up. I remind myself why I cannot just give in, and there are so many reasons why. I can’t leave my children motherless. I can’t leave my pain behind for others. I want to contribute more to the world. I can’t let “the darkness” inside (and outside) win. And I shouldn’t listen to those voices in my head that return, or the disgusted faces I sometimes see or the insensitive incidents. I cannot allow others callous words and actions to ruin my life. I am worth much more than that - to myself, to my children, to God. No I'm not perfect. But nobody is. I am Nicole, and I am finally learning that it's OK to be me.

The formation of our belief systems

Let’s get into the idea of beliefs, and belief systems, and how we form our beliefs.

People always think their own beliefs are correct. After all, they wouldn’t hold those beliefs if they didn’t, well, BELIEVE them, would they??? We all BELIEVE our way is right, we BELIEVE our way makes sense. We discount others who don’t agree with us as naïve, unintelligent or simply without the facts. Because after all, if they had the facts, were intelligent and wise, they would be just like us! And that would make them correct!

The funny thing is, people never stop to think that EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels the exact same way about their own beliefs. That’s why there is so much division when it comes to beliefs, especially the BIG ones (politics, religion, medicine, etc.)  Each person believes they are right and they fail to have the ability to step into someone else’s shoes and actually see where they are coming from.

For awhile, I went through a very heightened period of enlightenment where I could see every point of view of everyone simultaneously. It was glorious on the one hand, to have such complete knowledge and understanding. Yet after some time (weeks) of going on this way it began to wear on me. It was as if I were standing in the center of a fun house surrounded by mirrors. Each view was in clear sight, but all different, and all converging at one point in the middle. I started to lose footing. My mind became a little TOO open. All the possibilities of everything became aware to me. And it was then that I realized, a person’s mind CAN be too open. In fact, we have to root ourselves in some type of belief, because if we don’t, the sheer volume of permutations and possibilities will overwhelm us to the point we cannot process any information at all. Not good. Not good.

Now, not everyone has probably had such experiences as mine with the extreme “open mind” but I know I am not alone in the ability to be able to step outside myself and see someone else’s view, just in general. I think we all have that ability. I think it is a skill that can be honed. But, sadly, many people today do not have the desire nor the will to cultivate such a skill or an understanding of others. In the world of “me, me, me, meeeeeee!!!!” it is easier to just do what you want and not care about anyone else. They will still insist their way is right and that you are an idiot if you don’t agree.

That doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. We don’t. I personally believe in God. There is nothing that would make me not believe in God. I believe in him so strongly I’d be willing to lay down my life this very moment. But do I understand why some others don’t believe in him? Yes, I understand. Most of the time, I do not engage in debates with people on these type of heated topics anymore because I see it as pointless. A person cannot be argued into a way of thinking. It is something they must come to on their own. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. I acknowledge everyone’s ability and choice to decide their own beliefs.

Now, we get into the really interesting parts that people never really realize about beliefs. 

     1)    Our beliefs aren’t actually OUR beliefs.

Human beings are social creatures. Like it or not, we are influenced by things around us, people around us. We aren’t born with a set of beliefs. We acquire them over time and they are very much socially constructed. Not to say we don’t have an inherent understanding of “right” vs. “wrong” or “good” vs. “bad”. But each person’s interpretation of what is “good” and what is “bad” varies. Why? Our beliefs are shaped by so many things. Our upbringing. The relationships and friendships we have had in life. Our religion, or lack of religion. Our country, our culture, our gender. We take all these things – our knowledge, our understanding, our observations, our personal experiences – and we assimilate them into one governing belief system from which all of our opinions stem from. Most people take this for granted. They assume everyone is just like them, thinks like them. Not the case. 

  
  2)    Our beliefs are not always logical (and that can be good).

Our society places so much importance on the idea of logic and reasoning. It can be traced back a long way, but a divide arose between the idea of the logical mind and the idea of the emotional mind. People believe that logic trumps emotion. If it is logical, it must be “right”. But our emotions play just as much of a part in our belief systems as our logical brains. If a person believes in capital punishment, likely it’s because they feel the criminal deserves it. Most people don’t discuss it “rationally” in the sense of justice for justice sake. It is a visceral response, an emotional feeling toward the criminal. If a person doesn’t agree with capital punishment, it’s likely because they feel it is morally wrong, or perhaps that the system is faulty. These again are emotional judgments, not logical. 

In fact, some beliefs are completely illogical all the way around!!! But we still hold them as valid. Why? Because we feel them. And that doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. If we have no money and too many children, “logically” it would make sense to get rid of one or more and not be financially taxed. But do most people do this? No. Why? Because emotionally, we know it is wrong. 

Reason and emotion go hand in hand in a perfectly balanced individual. Granted, no one is perfect. But to sacrifice one at the expense of the other generally has bad results.

     3)     Our belief systems influence our behavior.

This is huge and something people do not give credence to much if at all. If we believe something is good for us, we might be more likely to do it. If we believe that seeing a counselor will help our mental state, we are more likely to do it regularly. If we believe that bathing in salt water will give us an extra year of life, we might be more likely to do it. If we believe that our neighbor is untrustworthy, we might go to great lengths to avoid him. If we believe all dogs carry fleas, we might not ever pet a dog. See where I’m going with this? What we believe (or don’t believe) directly influences what we do (or don’t do.)

     4)   We can consciously CHANGE our belief systems.

Belief systems are notoriously resistant to change. I think this is because a lot of complex psychological processes are occurring that many times are unknown to us in a conscious state (far too much to get into here.) The old adage seems to ring true for many “A leopard never changes its spots.” I certainly used to believe this.  I thought I was doomed for life. I thought other people were all bad too so why waste time on them??? I carried on that way most of my life, until I had some pretty profound epiphanies, which I’m sharing with you now.

Change IS possible. But it involves many things. Acknowledgement, acceptance, movement (toward the change). A person cannot sit unmoving and expect that things will suddenly be different. Even if someone seemingly wins the lottery out of nowhere, they still had to 1) believe they had a chance of winning 2) think about getting a ticket 3) actually go and get the ticket. Generally, money doesn’t just fall onto a person’s head from the clear blue sky.

Essentially, a conscious change occurs in a person’s mindset when the risk of staying the SAME is HIGHER than the risk of undertaking change. Change is a risk. Sometimes we are forced into change, if our spouse leaves us or if we’re diagnosed with an illness. But what we BELIEVE about that is entirely within our power.

So what is all this telling us???

If we are stuck in patterns of negative behavior, negative thinking, negative life situations, we must examine our beliefs. Truly ask yourself…WHY do I believe this? Is it because someone else told me to? Is it because it “makes sense”? Is it because I just NEED to??? Once we begin to examine our motivations for those beliefs, we can begin the process of change.