Awareness is crucial in managing bipolar disorder off meds

Our circumstances can make us depressed. Seems like a fairly obvious statement, yes?

Sadly though, this fact is overlooked in the mental health field a lot, and even in our own personal lives. I know after being diagnosed with bipolar, I started to buy into all the messages out there – I NEEDED meds, it was bipolar that was making me depressed, I should monitor my moods so that I could alter my meds, etc. Sure, I had counseling but it mainly focused on – bipolar! Everything in a round about way came back to bipolar. I thought I was gaining clarity by listening to these messages. After all, these doctors and nurses and counselors were the experts, right?

During that time I was making videos a lot and still journaling so I have a lot of detailed accounts of how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. It is amazing to me looking back how unaware I was the vast majority of my life! I had a great deal of INSIGHT into my FEELINGS but very little AWARENESS of WHY I felt that way. I made one video about depression in 2010 and how nothing was going on in my life to make me depressed, and that it must have been bipolar. Yet, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and how they were affecting me.

During that particular time I made that video, I recall exactly what was going on, and my life was NOT going great at all. My husband and I were having major conflicts. It had been going on for months though so I think I just discounted it as having an effect on me, when I now see it was one of the main causes of my depression. Also, we were living with relatives at the time which was becoming stressful. We were looking for our own house, also stressful. I was taking care of twin 2 year olds, stressful. I can’t believe I didn’t take all that into account when looking at my mental state and the way it would fluctuate!!! I just thought, ohhhh, it’s bipolar…that stinks…maybe tomorrow would be better. In a way it kept me from addressing things in my life that were affecting me, because I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong things (bipolar/biological/medical problem) and not enough on other things (relationships/family life/stress level).

I guess I felt compelled to make this blog today because I think the current message in the mental health field is doing a disservice to those diagnosed with depression or bipolar. Here is my 2 cents…

I believe that many mental illnesses (including depression and bipolar) begin with an inherent sensitivity. This is something currently being researched in the mental health field and I do believe this is barking up the right tree, so to speak. I believe this sensitivity makes a person more likely to be affected by external stimuli. This can then manifest as many different things – anxiety, depression, mania.

For example – take an average person and a person with bipolar. Put them in a situation where they are going through a break-up. The average person will feel sad and maybe even depressed. The bipolar person may dwell on it incessantly, feel suicidal, perhaps even attempt suicide. The same stimuli but much more intense emotions related to that stimuli. (Keep in mind this is just a random example, of course this isn’t true of every average person or bipolar person! I’m just making a generalization.)

So, if I were to go to my psychiatrist and tell them all this, (in my fictional example) one of the first things they would be concerned with is: medication! Upping meds, changing meds, etc. They have the viewpoint that these things must be dealt with by pharmaceuticals. I used to believe that and I went along with it all. Now, I feel differently.

So many times over the course of my treatment, everything got lumped under the category “It’s because you have bipolar.” Is it? Well, no not really. Does being depressed because I have marital conflict mean it’s related to bipolar? Hardly. If I addressed the bigger issue (marital problems) could I help mediate the effects on my “illness”? I say yes.

Bipolar or not, we are all human beings. We feel low when we get divorced, lose a friend, have a family member that dies, lose a pet. Now, those are BIG things. But even little things affect us too. Having a stressful day at work. A sick child. An upcoming deadline. Interpersonal conflict. Too often, these things are not addressed in psychiatry or in counseling as far as ways to cope with these issues in healthy, non-medical means. Somehow, everything always comes back to an illness, even if it is a legitimate problem. To this day, within the bipolar community, whenever I say things that others view as extreme, they caution me that I must be having an episode. I deeply appreciate the care and concern. But it really goes to show just how ingrained the idea has become even within OURSELVES and TO ourselves that mental illness is WHAT we are. That we are helpless. That we cannot change or improve without meds. That any sort of variation means we better get some new meds, pronto, and that will help our situation.

Now, I think at times, medication plays a role but that often, when we learn to be aware of ourselves, our moods, our surroundings and WHAT is causing these feelings we can address them in a more pro-active way. Many people in the mental health system (including myself) did everything “right”. We went to counseling, we took the meds, we followed the regime for YEARS. But that is only addressing one small piece of the puzzle. We are multi-faceted individuals and must deal with our lives in a holistic manner, instead of focusing everything on ONE THING – our illness. That doesn’t help us, but instead keeps us trapped in a cycle we can never get out of. I often wondered WHY I wasn’t getting better despite doing all the “right” things (and believe me, I have heard the same thing from others about a million times! People want to know WHY these meds aren’t fixing their depression or their mood swings, WHY they aren’t getting better. Ultimately it can lead to a worse feeling of depression, because on top of the initial depression, there is depression for having “failed” to get better.)

I am now almost a year off meds and am so much more aware of myself than I was at the beginning of my mental health journey almost 5 years ago, and I am so thankful for that. Like I said, I could identify my feelings but not WHY I felt that way. I now understand: all the variation of mood, how various social cues trigger my moods or affect them (positive or negative), how the behaviors I engage in affect me, how all of this affects others. It’s not something that occurs overnight but is a learning process that occurs over time and with observation. Does that mean I’m now “fixed”? No. But it puts me ahead of the game because I can anticipate things before they happen. I can be prepared. I minimize the chances of being caught off guard. When bad things do happen, I can learn from them and try to adjust things/situations in the future. I know my weaknesses and limitations and try to take those into account when making plans or scheduling particular outings or things of that nature. For example, I now know that working hard on something can trigger elevated mood or “mania” for me. So, I don’t avoid working hard, but if I notice signs, I can either enjoy the ride or if it becomes extreme, back off and try to do calming activities to mediate the excitation happening in my brain. If I start feeling depressed and notice I’m ruminating on negative thoughts, I can purposely cut off the train of thought and engage in something more uplifting – some happy music, or watching a funny video, or talking to a close friend. If I weren’t aware of the effects of my environment on me, I couldn’t do any of these things! Awareness is SO important. I think it is THE most important thing in dealing with mental illness, period.

So my advice to anyone new to the mental health system or newly diagnosed is this – FIRST, take stock of your own life. No one knows you like YOU. You are the best advocate for yourself. We may like the idea of a fairy godmother or white knight swooping in and fixing us or fixing our lives but that isn’t reality. We must be our own advocates in life. Understanding yourself better can help you understand your moods and ways of coping or self-medicating (drugs/alcohol/self-injury/bingeing/social withdrawal, etc.) that are unique to you. You can in turn begin to address these things. SECOND – Don’t believe the hype. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar (or even if you just think you may have it) not everything about you is “because you have bipolar”! Bipolar in itself doesn’t make a person inherently – quiet, loud, obnoxious, generous, loving, selfish or any other thing. We all have to accept that we have our own traits regardless of bipolar. Don’t fall into the trap of believing “I’m a thrill seeker…it’s because I have bipolar!” or “I don’t like people. It’s because I have bipolar.” Not only is that boxing yourself in, but some of it isn’t even true (bipolar is simply a tendency for extreme mood experiences and shifts.) While you may be able to say you’re a thrill seeker while in an elevated mood state, if you’re like that all the time, it’s just your personality. (I’m going to go ahead and say that most people realize a lot of their own personality traits, good or bad. We don’t all admit them openly to others though!) Lumping all these things under the heading of “bipolar” may make you feel better for a while and you may feel validated that it’s not all in your head, (I know I did) but eventually it will consume you. Bipolar will become the only thing you see about yourself and in a weird way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you’re nuts and so you act nuts, so people treat you nuts and so you believe you’re nuts…It will make you feel worse and not better. And that isn’t what any of us want, bipolar or not.

LASTLY, Many times, bipolar or not, addressing the true issues in life can bring more happiness than simply relying on a pill. There is no miracle pill to cure bipolar or depression. But healing starts with AWARENESS. A person can never change something they are unaware of. If you walked around with spinach in your teeth all day and never looked in a mirror, would you think to floss your teeth right away? Probably not. You wouldn’t even be aware of it. But if you thought to yourself while you were eating your salad that you better head to the bathroom after you eat and make sure your pearly whites were white instead of green, you’d head off any unforeseen embarrassment. Point is, be aware. Aware of YOURSELF, aware of what is AROUND you. Notice how things affect you, what your particular “weaknesses” are, what triggers your moods (both down and up). Is it having too much to do in a short time? Is it dealing with money troubles? Relationship troubles? Is it being involved in a cool class? Experiencing something new? Really take a step back and assess your own life. You can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. Only by truly looking at yourself as a whole can you begin to understand how to take steps that will bring the improvements you seek.

15 Weird things about my brain

So I found this list I made a long time ago and had forgotten I made! It is so true though so I figured I'd go ahead and post it, just for kicks. "Weird things about my brain!"

1)     I think in pictures.

2)     I always multi-task.

3)     My mind is never “at rest”

4)     I get bored easily and must always be doing something. No one would ever use the word lazy to describe me.

5)     Once I have mastered something or learned a great deal about it, I lose interest in it.

6)     I can usually see all sides of a point.

7)     I am neither a “big picture” person nor a “detail oriented” person. I am both. Strangely, I am equally as good at macro and micro. I can think up original ideas, formulate plans, put all the little pieces in place and carry it out from start to finish by myself.

8)       I tend to be a perfectionist. Going along with this, I tend to be control freaky. If something is not up to my standards, I would rather it not be done at all. Most of the time, I do it all myself and am proud that I did. It’s hard to delegate because I often find (this sounds incredibly conceited, so I apologize) that it isn’t done well enough if I let someone else take it over. I do believe the saying “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” I wind up with 100x as much work. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

9)     I think in long one person monologues a lot. That is probably why I am good at writing. I just write the very-long-never-ending-sentence-that-is-constantly-harrassing-me-at-all-times-in-my-head on paper. Then it’s out. Then I can move on (sometimes).

10)  I’m both emotional, yet logical. I’ve been told that I’m good at “arguing emotion using logic”. A little bit of a paradox to many, but hey! Most things about me are!

11)  I can actually feel processes in my brain sometimes. I’m assuming it is the electrical activity that is generated that causes this. I have yet to know of one single other person who has described this, so I feel like a bit of a weirdo there. Often when I consume large amounts of information (TOO much), I will go to sleep and as I am falling asleep, I can actually feel bits of information going to the places they need to, like a magnet is drawing them there. If I go to sleep addled, I wind up waking up and the first thing I think upon sitting up out of bed is AHA! And all the information is in its place and makes sense immediately upon my waking. It’s like I took in the info, went to sleep, and while I was sleeping, my brain was organizing. Odd.

12)  I am a huge organizer. I love organizing, and re-organzing.

13)  I make lists for everything, both mental lists and those I write down and cross off. I always have a mental tally of what is going on. Sometimes it is so much that it actually becomes counterintuitive, and I become forgetful!

14)  I have a terrible memory. I cannot remember names well at all.

15)  I am attracted to people much more based on their intelligence than looks or status or anything like that. If I see someone as having a great skill or being very adept at something or having much more knowledge than the average person, I find myself incredibly drawn to that person and excited by them. It’s like a “brain orgasm”!

The formation of our belief systems

Let’s get into the idea of beliefs, and belief systems, and how we form our beliefs.

People always think their own beliefs are correct. After all, they wouldn’t hold those beliefs if they didn’t, well, BELIEVE them, would they??? We all BELIEVE our way is right, we BELIEVE our way makes sense. We discount others who don’t agree with us as naïve, unintelligent or simply without the facts. Because after all, if they had the facts, were intelligent and wise, they would be just like us! And that would make them correct!

The funny thing is, people never stop to think that EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels the exact same way about their own beliefs. That’s why there is so much division when it comes to beliefs, especially the BIG ones (politics, religion, medicine, etc.)  Each person believes they are right and they fail to have the ability to step into someone else’s shoes and actually see where they are coming from.

For awhile, I went through a very heightened period of enlightenment where I could see every point of view of everyone simultaneously. It was glorious on the one hand, to have such complete knowledge and understanding. Yet after some time (weeks) of going on this way it began to wear on me. It was as if I were standing in the center of a fun house surrounded by mirrors. Each view was in clear sight, but all different, and all converging at one point in the middle. I started to lose footing. My mind became a little TOO open. All the possibilities of everything became aware to me. And it was then that I realized, a person’s mind CAN be too open. In fact, we have to root ourselves in some type of belief, because if we don’t, the sheer volume of permutations and possibilities will overwhelm us to the point we cannot process any information at all. Not good. Not good.

Now, not everyone has probably had such experiences as mine with the extreme “open mind” but I know I am not alone in the ability to be able to step outside myself and see someone else’s view, just in general. I think we all have that ability. I think it is a skill that can be honed. But, sadly, many people today do not have the desire nor the will to cultivate such a skill or an understanding of others. In the world of “me, me, me, meeeeeee!!!!” it is easier to just do what you want and not care about anyone else. They will still insist their way is right and that you are an idiot if you don’t agree.

That doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. We don’t. I personally believe in God. There is nothing that would make me not believe in God. I believe in him so strongly I’d be willing to lay down my life this very moment. But do I understand why some others don’t believe in him? Yes, I understand. Most of the time, I do not engage in debates with people on these type of heated topics anymore because I see it as pointless. A person cannot be argued into a way of thinking. It is something they must come to on their own. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. I acknowledge everyone’s ability and choice to decide their own beliefs.

Now, we get into the really interesting parts that people never really realize about beliefs. 

     1)    Our beliefs aren’t actually OUR beliefs.

Human beings are social creatures. Like it or not, we are influenced by things around us, people around us. We aren’t born with a set of beliefs. We acquire them over time and they are very much socially constructed. Not to say we don’t have an inherent understanding of “right” vs. “wrong” or “good” vs. “bad”. But each person’s interpretation of what is “good” and what is “bad” varies. Why? Our beliefs are shaped by so many things. Our upbringing. The relationships and friendships we have had in life. Our religion, or lack of religion. Our country, our culture, our gender. We take all these things – our knowledge, our understanding, our observations, our personal experiences – and we assimilate them into one governing belief system from which all of our opinions stem from. Most people take this for granted. They assume everyone is just like them, thinks like them. Not the case. 

  
  2)    Our beliefs are not always logical (and that can be good).

Our society places so much importance on the idea of logic and reasoning. It can be traced back a long way, but a divide arose between the idea of the logical mind and the idea of the emotional mind. People believe that logic trumps emotion. If it is logical, it must be “right”. But our emotions play just as much of a part in our belief systems as our logical brains. If a person believes in capital punishment, likely it’s because they feel the criminal deserves it. Most people don’t discuss it “rationally” in the sense of justice for justice sake. It is a visceral response, an emotional feeling toward the criminal. If a person doesn’t agree with capital punishment, it’s likely because they feel it is morally wrong, or perhaps that the system is faulty. These again are emotional judgments, not logical. 

In fact, some beliefs are completely illogical all the way around!!! But we still hold them as valid. Why? Because we feel them. And that doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. If we have no money and too many children, “logically” it would make sense to get rid of one or more and not be financially taxed. But do most people do this? No. Why? Because emotionally, we know it is wrong. 

Reason and emotion go hand in hand in a perfectly balanced individual. Granted, no one is perfect. But to sacrifice one at the expense of the other generally has bad results.

     3)     Our belief systems influence our behavior.

This is huge and something people do not give credence to much if at all. If we believe something is good for us, we might be more likely to do it. If we believe that seeing a counselor will help our mental state, we are more likely to do it regularly. If we believe that bathing in salt water will give us an extra year of life, we might be more likely to do it. If we believe that our neighbor is untrustworthy, we might go to great lengths to avoid him. If we believe all dogs carry fleas, we might not ever pet a dog. See where I’m going with this? What we believe (or don’t believe) directly influences what we do (or don’t do.)

     4)   We can consciously CHANGE our belief systems.

Belief systems are notoriously resistant to change. I think this is because a lot of complex psychological processes are occurring that many times are unknown to us in a conscious state (far too much to get into here.) The old adage seems to ring true for many “A leopard never changes its spots.” I certainly used to believe this.  I thought I was doomed for life. I thought other people were all bad too so why waste time on them??? I carried on that way most of my life, until I had some pretty profound epiphanies, which I’m sharing with you now.

Change IS possible. But it involves many things. Acknowledgement, acceptance, movement (toward the change). A person cannot sit unmoving and expect that things will suddenly be different. Even if someone seemingly wins the lottery out of nowhere, they still had to 1) believe they had a chance of winning 2) think about getting a ticket 3) actually go and get the ticket. Generally, money doesn’t just fall onto a person’s head from the clear blue sky.

Essentially, a conscious change occurs in a person’s mindset when the risk of staying the SAME is HIGHER than the risk of undertaking change. Change is a risk. Sometimes we are forced into change, if our spouse leaves us or if we’re diagnosed with an illness. But what we BELIEVE about that is entirely within our power.

So what is all this telling us???

If we are stuck in patterns of negative behavior, negative thinking, negative life situations, we must examine our beliefs. Truly ask yourself…WHY do I believe this? Is it because someone else told me to? Is it because it “makes sense”? Is it because I just NEED to??? Once we begin to examine our motivations for those beliefs, we can begin the process of change.