I’m going to try to get through this post, I wanted to write
it last night but was so tired and had such a headache I just went to bed.
So, firstly, I really hate the mental health diagnostic system
they have (i.e. the DSM). Even when you read about mental disorders in
textbooks or other descriptions they simply read like a long list, and it
really does no justice to the actual feelings and the actual experience of it.
For example, a book might say,
“People with bipolar have the following symptoms:
Elated mood
Distractability
Impulsive behavior”
Ok, well, that can encompass a LOT. That’s like saying “I
had a good day today.” Well, describe it! What made it good? How did it feel?
It seems like the only people who talk about how it feels publicly are bloggers
like myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a doctor really describe what a
person with mental illness experiences other than the dry, bland stereotypical
descriptions.
There are a couple bad things about this. 1) Everyone is
constantly trying to lump themselves into these “categories”. And 2) No one
really fits into those exact categories because so many people have multiple
mental issues occurring simultaneously (such as bipolar and BPD, bipolar and
OCD, etc.) You see the doctor and they want to figure out, are you having a
manic episode? A mixed episode? Psychotic depression? Erratic mood swings from
BPD? Dissociation?
The truth is there is no fine line, there is no real delineation
between it all. My mood has been significantly altered lately and it has
elements of all the things I’ve listed above. If I were to try to distinguish
over the past week (or more) what “state” I was in I doubt I could. Maybe
therein lies the problem. There really is no one “state”. Every state is simply
a combination of many things you experience. I realize that we all must call it
SOMEthing for the sake of clarity but in my view, I’d like to be as accurate as
possible. So for now it involves just describing it all. Most would probably
describe me as “manic” right now, but I think “altered” is more accurate.
Two nights ago I made an art video of what it FEELS like to
live in this manner. I’d been wanting to make a professional movie like this
for years and finally realized I could just use the programs I had on hand to
at least give it a shot. I’d be going through all these mood states/mental disturbances
and I wanted people to see not just the stereotypical list of symptoms but to
see what it is like within our minds when these things occur, what the
experience is like internally. If you’re interested in viewing, follow the link
to watch ALTERED
