So overly EXCITED and tons of ENERGY

WOW, OK, so I have been having some crazy ups this past week. I am only writing this quickly because I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP! I keep meaning to go to bed and rest and then somehow I wind up doing stuff and then I only get about 3 hours of sleep (generally because my mind is too busy) and this has pretty much been the pattern this week. Tonight or tomorrow I know I will just crash out.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this before in all those posts I rushed through while I’ve been elevated (hmmm, kinda like now!) but if I did, here it is again. And if not, well here it is.

I’ve noticed that at some point in time my moods really shifted. Meaning, 10 years ago I dealt predominantly with depression, probably 75% depression and 25% of hyper periods, just not that often at all to really even notice or disrupt me. Now, in the last several years it’s like the scale is getting weighted heavily in the other direction. I spend far more time “up” than down. I’d say it’s like 75% up and 25% depressed now! It’s really very strange to me. And I don’t know how to explain it. Obviously I will take the ups over the downs any time. I am finding life quite a bit more enjoyable now actually (well, who wouldn’t if you had the choice of elation or depression?) Or maybe I should say, the experiences I have are more enjoyable because of being in a more positive state.

I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 days dancing and singing in my living room with my kids. It was awesome! They were having a blast. At one point my daughter said “Mama I wish I was on stage singing RIGHT NOW!” Haha it was so cute. Then my other daughter noted how we had been listening to music and dancing pretty much all day since breakfast. They did not want to stop when it was time to eat, they were having such a blast! So was I. So even though it is boring winter and cold out now we managed to entertain ourselves for quite some time because I had so much random energy.

I’ve also been having quite a bit of “crossing over” of emotion which seems to be getting more common now for me. Meaning, (and please don’t take this offensively anyone!) it feels like I’m having a panic attack and on the brink of orgasm at the same time. It’s sort of that feeling of being on the precipice but for a realllllly long time, which actually can be strangely enjoyable, but very taxing on the body, even if you are doing nothing but sitting there! Your heart races, you hyperventilate, you get restless & jittery, feeling all sorts of sensations coursing through your body. However once it goes on too long, I generally have to take something sedating because I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!!! It is really peculiar, especially because fear and sexual pleasure aren’t exactly best friends. In the past I don’t recall even having stuff like this intertwined. It really leads me to believe even more that anxiety and “mania” are related physiologically somehow, because these things are happening simultaneously. Or, I might get mad/upset and excited at the same time too! Talk about weird. Being sad and being excited don’t seem to combine for me though. (Sounds obvious but given what I just said, maybe not so much.)

So that is that, my addled brain. I’m also inclined now to believe that the mood experiences of “mania” or elevated states are similar to those in drug use/addiction. This is something I REALLY REALLY plan to look into. There is a definite connection somehow. (I wanted to make a video about this earlier but was way too giddy and knew everyone would be flaming me if I did, so I didn't.) But anyway, it is way too late for all that at the moment :) Off to bed for me….if I can shut off my brain. Much love to everyone!

Hypersexuality and sensory seeking in bipolar mania and elevated states

I originally was going to write this blog and somehow wound up writing 6 other blogs about mania and mental health…everything BUT this. HA! There goes my wonky brain :/

I warn up front there may be some content some find offensive. However, I can’t fully address the issue without expanding on a few subjects within this idea of sex.

Many people have commented that hypersexuality must be great and they wish THEY had it! It’s funny how anything related to sex, people think is just the most amazing thing.

In reality, hypersexuality isn’t fun at all. I’ve been experiencing it to a huge degree lately and I hate it. Let me tell you why.

People envision being hypersexual as having the most or best pleasure when it actually does not bring pleasure at all.

In normal life, people can get sexual or sensual pleasure in lots of (healthy, non-morally ambiguous) ways. You can get pleasure from, say, kissing your boyfriend, or reading a risqué note from your husband. You can get pleasure from a nice body massage or receiving a “for your eyes only” photo from your wife. That’s normal sexuality, normal sexual feelings.

When you’re in a hypersexual state, the craving for pleasure is magnified hugely. And it is exactly that – a craving, at times an overwhelming, unbearable and unstoppable compulsion. Does it sound fun to have an unbearable compulsion that you don’t really want to give into but feel as if you can’t control? No. It’s horrible. It can be a super difficult battle.

I personally am a wife and mother. Granted my marriage is not great. But I am not the cheating type. I find it to be morally wrong, regardless of if my marriage is bad or any other factors. Not to mention I am also a Christian and I believe that cheating as well as sex outside of marriage (meaning, sex as a single person with another single person) is spiritually wrong. I believe we have a moral obligation to ourselves, to each other and to God to be morally upright and not slaves to sexual pleasure. As I mentioned there are plenty of healthy ways to express sexual feelings. But random sexual hookups, booty calls and inappropriate sexual behavior isn’t one of them.

So you can see how having intensely overbearing impulses to have sex with a stranger or to broadcast naked pictures or videos of yourself, or any related thing would be a huge moral conflict. Unfortunately, being in a hypersexual state is often accompanied by other cognitive dysfunction which can then lead a person to being ruled by the compulsion to act out. I can compare it to trying to restrain a wild bear with a cage made of cardboard. That bear is just itching to break out and the cardboard won’t hold indefinitely. If it somehow manages to, that cardboard will no doubt be shredded and crumpled in a heap at the end.

So it is with our sexual state when altered. Trying to bridle and restrain the compulsive sexual urges can seem impossible. It causes physical discomfort when in an extremely elevated state. The average man who goes without sex for long periods of time or becomes excited and then must stop sometimes complain about the physical discomfort of a heightened state of being aroused without getting a release. I would describe these hypersexual feelings for a woman as the female equivalent of that. It becomes physically painful to the point where a person feels they must have a release of some sort. It may be enjoyable at first to have that slight pain but after a while it is sheer torture.

Here’s the second problem. Even if you have someone to (legitimately) give you a release, most of the time, it IS NOT SATISFYING. Imagine it. That intense sexual craving, feeling that you need it or you may possibly explode, heightened to a point that will not “simmer down”. You expect you will have mind blowing sex, that you will release the tension and it will be glorious.

That’s not what happens. What happens is you have those sexual experiences and 30 minutes later…it’s as if it never happened. The horrible sexual tension and physical aching are there. What do you do?!?!? You feel like you must get it out. You need sex again…you need more of it. So you do. Annnnd….30 minutes later, the feeling is creeping up there again, tormenting you.

It is horrible, a feeling of intense need for release yet getting NO release, despite what you do, for how long or with whom. I believe this is why people with bipolar who are promiscuous behave in such a manner while elevated or altered. I personally do believe cheating is morally wrong and not acceptable to give into such desires. However, logically knowing and believing it does not stop the thoughts, feelings and compulsions. If a person DOES do something, it often leads to guilt and shame when “coming down” from the elevated state. Even if a person doesn’t do anything, there can be guilt and shame associated simply for letting the mind stray into inappropriate territory or entertaining the thoughts at all. The inability to control thoughts or feelings is a great cause of pain (emotionally), not pleasure.

In an early manic period I had, I recall the intense hypersexuality…dressing provocatively, flirting with anyone who came around, the whole deal. My husband and I had sex constantly for probably a week. Was it fun? No. It was awful. Because no matter what I did, the feeling DID NOT GO AWAY!!! I felt as if I were being slowly tortured. It reached a point where my muscles were physically sore and tired, I was raw and uncomfortable. Yet I STILL had this overbearing compulsion!!! Talk about agonizing. There was nothing good about it. Not. One. Thing.

I’ve been in a hypersexual state intermittently for a few weeks now, and much as all the times before, it is awful. I’d much rather go back to my normal state of hardly caring about sex at all to this!!! The cravings remain yet I know logically nothing I do will satiate them. In fact, a way I now try to control such compulsions is by thinking to the future. I remind myself how acting on any inappropriate sexual impulse ultimately leads to no reward. My body thinks it will, but my deep mind knows it won’t. I know the result will be: guilt, damage to relationship with spouse, damage to relationship with God, damage to self-esteem, embarrassment, a whole host of negative feelings and consequences that will last far longer than the sexual act (whether that be through text, email, video, or in person) would.

Trying to consciously fight the feelings away though is very exhausting. I have in the past few days begun taking anti-psychotic meds again because I have enough insight to realize that some compulsions I have are beyond my ability to consciously control.It just stinks.

Mania/Altered Mood and Compulsions in Bipolar and Mental Illness

I would definitely say that strong urges and compulsions are a part of highly altered mood. I will refer to it as altered since involves more than just elevation in a “happy” sense. The textbooks and the DSM refer to it as “impulsive behavior” but I don’t think that is entirely accurate. Impulsive, yes, it indeed can be. But an impulse is described as “an impelling action or force, driving onward or inducing motion.” while a compulsion is described as “a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will” (dictionary.com). So what is the difference?

I see being impulsive as simply not always looking ahead or seeing the consequences of your behavior. For example, having an impulse to eat chocolate cake when you’re on a diet might be because you’re thinking of the joy of eating it and not the consequences of gaining weight.

Compulsions, in my view, are not the same as impulses. Impulses can be controlled to an extent. Everyone has impulses to some degree. We wouldn’t eat, drink, talk to other people or in general do anything unless we had an impulse to do it.

I would say a compulsion is a very extreme form of an impulse, that is stronger in intensity and at times cannot be controlled either with mental or physical means. What I mean is, when you have a compulsion, simply telling yourself, “Don’t do it! It’s bad for you!” likely does nothing to curb the compulsion or make it go away. At times it can ruminate excessively within the mind to the point it becomes the sole focal point. If you are able to replace the compulsive thought with something else as a distraction, often the compulsion will simply return, but stronger.

With the cake example, a person can have a strong desire to eat cake but may be able to hold themselves back from the impulse to do so by telling themselves of the bad consequences. Compulsions often involve carrying out acts that a person may not even want to do yet feels compelled or pushed by some force to do so. If the person knew the cake was bad for their diet truly did not want to eat it, and tried to resist the urge to do it, yet was still overcome and ate the cake anyway, it would more likely be a compulsion rather than simply an impulse. People think of it as an issue of simple self-control. “Just don’t do it!” They say. But more is going on than that. Often the person is actively trying to control the impulse or compulsion. It’s more an inability to control the compulsion rather than a willingness to complete the act. Compulsive feelings are horrible because you do feel like you are out of control of your own body and mind, not that what you are doing is so awesome and incredible.

It seems that often compulsions are sensory in nature. In what is currently described as mania, what doctors call “impulsive behavior” generally refer to compulsions that involve sensory seeking/pleasure sensory input. The stereotypical example of a person being promiscuous is used often. However it usually is not elaborated on. I myself have never been a promiscuous person in my “normal” life. I can easily dismiss a temptation to do something wrong or what I would consider immoral in my NORMAL state. However when in an extreme altered state, I have realized that sexual compulsions begin to manifest. Many times it is unspecific – it is simply a form of sensory seeking, in any way or means available.

I believe that is why in bipolar disorder or people with extreme mood disturbance, these sexual pleasure seeking behaviors can run the gamut. A person may seek out pleasure by having a risqué conversation with a friend or stranger, they may dress provocatively to draw attention to themselves, they may have sex multiple times a day, either with their committed partner or with random partners, they may experiment with any number of things, people, or experiences. I personally have done some things that I never would have under normal circumstances. But looking back, the compulsions were like an obsessive drive that could not be curbed. And it did incite guilt for having been unable to control the compulsion.

Compulsions that result in pleasure seeking also relate to things like drugs and alcohol. I would describe it as an insane craving, much like the sexual pleasure seeking compulsion. It is another form of sensory seeking. A person may use/abuse any number of drugs or alcohol or other substances. Food can become an object of compulsion as well.

Much of this is well documented in bipolar disorder. However people seem to only discuss sexually related “impulses” or again the stereotypical “reckless driving” etc.

However, often the compulsions I have had are just random or nonsensical in nature. I would still consider them to be sensory seeking, but in a non-pleasure centered way.  They tended to center around the sensory components of taste and touch mainly, scent to a lesser degree.

For example, in my early altered periods years ago I spoke of having some very strange compulsions – the compulsion to eat garbage was particularly weird and gross when revealed to other people (thankfully I never went through with that one). I had compulsions relating to just about everything – compulsions to lick or taste things that are non-food objects (soap, engine oil, the walls of the house, etc.) Compulsions to touch things like people’s skin. I had self-harm compulsions but they weren’t purposeful self-harm (meaning, I didn’t consciously use it as a way to relieve anxiety or cope with pain). I recall walking around my backyard in a circular motion, scratching my arms repetitively with the sharp end of a cigarette lighter. This went on for awhile and my arms became red and raw in some places. It wasn’t a purposeful self-harm, but as I mentioned, a sheer compulsion, an uncontrollable urge. I felt that I needed to scratch myself and I did so continually.

I also had compulsions that involved repetition which I spoke of before. They mainly related to organizing things or movement. For example I would compulsively arrange things in rows or patterns, walk in patterns or speak in patterns. There was absolutely no sound reason for why I did this, other than the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to do so. It served no real purpose other than to carry out the compulsion that was plaguing my mind and therefore “rid” myself of the compulsion.

However ridding myself of the compulsion only lasted a short while and it would return again, sometimes the same one, sometimes multiple or different ones. The result was, to an outsider onlooker, completely bizarre and nonsensical  behavior overall.

Only now after close to 5 years have I come to more of an insight and understanding about some of these things that I experience. I always tried to lump everything I experience under the heading of “bipolar” since my initial diagnosis. However, I currently believe that almost all mental illnesses are related. Just in this description alone one could say I had symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, autism and more. And that is just talking about the compulsive aspect of mental illness without regard to the host of other factors that occur.

In my current altered state I have been experiencing some compulsions yet again along with a whole host of other manifestations, which I plan to write about. Right now I am in a coherent enough state to describe it but later today, who knows.

Sexual messages in new country music

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for awhile but like everything, it takes time and I get so busy with all my other responsibilities! However having been listening to radio today with my son, I’m compelled to write. It always strikes me about the messages in music today. I really wish there would be a return to good old-fashioned values, but it seems to be constantly going in the opposite direction.

I used to love modern country music and listened to it a lot when I was younger. In a world of pop and rap where the messages were not that great country was pretty wholesome (when I was growing up anyway). It talked about real life things and was relatable. The messages in country music today though – wow. I’m not sure when it hit me, probably a few weeks ago. I don’t listen to much pop or country anymore because I find modern Christian music has much more uplifting messages and they really are “feel good” songs. So when I want to listen to music that is generally where I turn, but that is for another post J

Back to the country – here is what I see. There is a complete glorification of both drunkenness and promiscuity. One day there was a slew of songs in a row by male artists, and I kid you not, EVERY SINGLE ONE had references to sex and most were about sex with strangers or random people. I was really appalled when I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics, because most of the time, even when we are singing along, we don’t necessarily notice the message! When you strip away the music and look at the message it really is shocking in comparison to what it used to be. Today again I turned on the radio and it was glaringly obvious. Funny how once you notice something, you see it everywhere.

I wanted to excerpt a bunch of these songs as a comment because I think they really speak for themselves. This is the “young country” and really reflects the attitudes of this current generation. It’s hard to say whether these artists really believe what they are singing or if they are just pandering to the audiences who want this kind of material. In any case, it has really turned me away from country music and it’s sad. As a woman, I really can’t condone songs that glorify using women for sex. Even sadder is that women today are buying into the message and many times are complying with these ideas and attitudes because they believe that is what sexy means, that is what being a woman means – to be “hot” and have men falling over themselves to want to tear your clothes off and ravage you. It’s such a terrible message.

Without further ado…the excerpts (pretty much what I heard straight in a row today).

That’s My Kind of Night by Luke Bryan

You got that sun tan skirt and boots
Waiting on you to look my way and scoot
Your little hot self over here
Girl hand me another beer, yeah!

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!

Might sit down on my diamond plate tailgate
Put in my country ride hip-hop mixtape
Little Conway, a little T-Pain, might just make it rain

You can hang your t-shirt on a limb
Hit that bank and we can ease on in
Soak us up a little moonlight
You know I know what you like, yeah!

Sweet Little Somethin by Jason Aldean (interestingly, he is now divorced for cheating on his wife)

I need a sweet little somethin' like you girl
Standing there red hot, got that little tank top
Looking like you must be straight out of the country
Honey what I wouldn't do for a sweet little something like you
I see you dancing over there with your girlfriends
Got to find showing off that sun tan
You keep smiling, might smile to me
Like you read my mind

Burnin’ It Down by Jason Aldean

You slip your finger through the tear in my t-shirt
You stirrin' up dirty in the back of my mind
You keep on flirtin' cause you know that it's workin'
You stuck in my head girl writing the lines
Couldn't sing this song without you if I tried
Let's light it up like it's our last night

We're just hanging around
Burnin' it down
Sippin' on some cold Jack Daniel's
Jammin' to some old Alabama with you, baby
Laying right here naked in my bed
I'm just doing my thing
You love it when I sing
Say it makes you feel like an angel
We about to get a little tangled up right about now
So girl let's keep burnin' it down

Keep Them Kisses Coming by Craig Campbell

You got your hair down
You got that look in your eye
That says come here and get me boy
Lay me down and love me just right, yeah
Ain’t goin no where
I got a bottle of wine
I got nothin’ but time on my hands
And I’m gonna be your man tonight, ah yes I am

I can’t imagine doin’ nothin but what I’m doin
Just layin’ round tangled up with you
We got our buzz on sippin’ on a little something
I need your lovin’
Just keep them kisses comin’

It’s been a long week
I’ve been missin’ me some you
All I wanna do is get your lips on mine
Girl if you only knew

Yeah by Joe Nichols

It was just another night in the hayfield
'Til she climbed down off of them four wheels,
Yeah, yeah

Soon as that sundress hit the headlights
Every tailgate way out there was like yeah, yeah

She started walking over to me
Like she already knew me
Sat down right beside me
And asked if I was here alone

And I said
Yeah, yeah
Like I was nodding right along to a song on the radio
Yeah, yeah
Girl, how could I say no?
Whatever you're drinking, that's what I'm drinking
Girl, you're calling the shots tonight
Whatever you're thinking, that's what I'm thinking
Tell me what you got in mind

So I can say yeah, yeah

 

Payback by Rascal Flatts

Front of the line, straight past the bouncer
Lookin' so fine that the band announced ya
Gotcha tight jeans on and your hair done right
All your girlfriends say we throwin' down tonight
Let me guess, somebody done you wrong
And you're lookin' for a way to get your feel good on
Get some pictures on the Instagram and show him what he's missin'
Straight no chaser, girl on a mission

Mmm, baby I could be your payback
Hey, gonna help you get your sway back
Take ya to the dance floor, I'ma lean ya way back
Yeah, I'ma lean ya way back

Hope You Get Lonely Tonight by Cole Swindell

I could go for a tipsy tailgate kiss,
baby taste the moonshinin' off of your lips,
I want to see that want ya smile,
still got me hooked been hooked for awhile.
If you got a bottle you ain't opened yet,
and an empty spot beside ya in ya bed,
if you got some room for a little regret,
let me know girl I've already left

If you're feelin' what I'm feelin' let's mix it up,
you got my number baby hit me up,
if you need a little late night pick me up,
I hope you get lonely tonight,
we ain't gotta make up just kiss me,
we could straight up blame it on the whiskey,
you ain't gotta wake up and miss me, no,
I hope you get lonely tonight

That’s Where It’s At by Dustin Lynch

It ain't in a high rise looking for a good time shutting down the city lights
It ain't in the water floating like a bobber soaking up that hot sunshine
As good as it gets, no that ain't where it is

It's at 2 a.m. when she's reachin' over
Faded t-shirt hanging off her shoulder
Dressed up, her hair down, in a ball cap
Yep yep, as long as I get that
Sweet little something late night kiss
On a plane or a train or way back in the sticks
I swear, if she's there, that's where
Yep yep, that's where it's at

Small Town Throwdown by Brantley Gilbert

It's a small town throwdown
It's time to tallboy up, let them tailgates down
And man, it's on tonight, ridin' 'til the morning light
Crank that country up loud, it's a small town throwdown

Oh, we 'bout to throwdown, son

Now we got a field full of daisy dukes
Round here we know how to grow 'em
Rockin' little body and long tan legs
Sure ain't scared to show 'em, no

Show a little somethin', girl

ANNNNNNNND…HAVE TO THROW A COUPLE FEMALE SONGS IN THERE TOO

Somethin’ Bad by Miranda Lambert

Bout to tear it up down in New Orleans
Just like a real-life Thelma & Louise
If the cops catch up, they’re gonna call it Kidnapping
Got a real good feelin’ something bad about to happen

Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping
Got a real good feeling something bad about to happen
Drinks keep coming, throw my head back laughing
Wake up in the morning’ don’t know what happened
Whoa… Something bad

Day Drinkin’ by Little Big Town

Blame it on the work day
Blame it on the heatwave
Blame it on the tick-tock moving too slow
Blame it on any old thing you want to
Ready get set, baby here we go

Don't want to wait 'til the sun's sinking
We could be feeling alright
I know you know what I'm thinking
Why don't we do a little day drinking
Day drinking, day drinking
Why don't we do a little day drinking

So there you go…that is mainly just top 20 current songs in country right now…I think the message is pretty overwhelming. Drinking, random sexual encounters, brawls…that is the new “ideal” to today’s youth. Makes me even more mindful of my own children and giving them the right direction, and even as adults, keeping ourselves away from toxic moral messages.