Nightmares and "The Wall"

I was laying down to put my son to bed and fell asleep awhile ago. I woke up from this nightmare that left me feeling terrible. I was kind of feeling bad already. I haven’t had a nightmare in a long time, though I had them frequently growing up.

I dreamt that I was driving a long secluded highway in my town. It was dark and icy, the road only going in one direction. As I was driving I noticed it was getting darker and darker. I slowed down and asked the people in the car, “Am I going crazy? I can’t see anything in front of me!” They said no, they couldn’t see anything either. It felt almost as if the dark were totally enveloping me in an eerie way, a claustrophobic way, like it was alive and I was trapped. I was driving so slowly because I didn’t want to go off the side of the road into the ditch or the other side into a ravine. Suddenly I noticed something in the road and slammed on the breaks. It was a huge 4x4 just lying there. I could barely get around it without going off the side and wrecking. Once I passed it all I could think of was getting to a point where I could cross and get to the other side of the road safely. As I was driving I saw another 4x4 and passed it, then another and passed it. It seemed like I was going even faster. There were more and more and then there was a huge pile of them blocking the road. I could only tell at the last minute and I swerved out of the way and went over the side of the ravine. My last thought was about the people in the car with me and hoping that they lived. It was complete blackness and there was nothing but the sensation of falling.

Luckily I woke up then. At times in nightmares like this, I don’t awake. Instead, I experience the impact, or drowning, or whatever it may be, and die. Then it’s as if I rise out of my body, trapped inside the dream. It’s a horrible feeling. As it was tonight, I felt extremely groggy and then realized my son was lying next to me, but the disgusting feeling remained.

I’m really feeling down anyway, and I think it’s in part because I think so much and come to these realizations about things that I just, frankly, don’t want to admit. It’s usually big things like the meaning of life, love, our experiences in this world, etc. Sometimes there really is a futility to it all that is hard to get around. It doesn’t do any good to cry about it, a lot of times it doesn’t do any good to even care about it. I’m tired of being cynical about life and feeling detached from everything. I want to care, and I think the truth is that I do care very intensely, but it never does me any good, so I eventually stop and put up “The Wall”. Living behind “The Wall” is better than being affected by all this stuff. It’s a weird place to be though, and accepting that you live behind “The Wall” can be incredibly depressing if you actually allow yourself to think about it. Most of the time I try not to. Every once in awhile I tell myself to come out from behind “The Wall” so that I can feel like a human being, but I think ultimately I see that it isn’t worthwhile to, and then I just retreat again.

So overly EXCITED and tons of ENERGY

WOW, OK, so I have been having some crazy ups this past week. I am only writing this quickly because I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP! I keep meaning to go to bed and rest and then somehow I wind up doing stuff and then I only get about 3 hours of sleep (generally because my mind is too busy) and this has pretty much been the pattern this week. Tonight or tomorrow I know I will just crash out.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this before in all those posts I rushed through while I’ve been elevated (hmmm, kinda like now!) but if I did, here it is again. And if not, well here it is.

I’ve noticed that at some point in time my moods really shifted. Meaning, 10 years ago I dealt predominantly with depression, probably 75% depression and 25% of hyper periods, just not that often at all to really even notice or disrupt me. Now, in the last several years it’s like the scale is getting weighted heavily in the other direction. I spend far more time “up” than down. I’d say it’s like 75% up and 25% depressed now! It’s really very strange to me. And I don’t know how to explain it. Obviously I will take the ups over the downs any time. I am finding life quite a bit more enjoyable now actually (well, who wouldn’t if you had the choice of elation or depression?) Or maybe I should say, the experiences I have are more enjoyable because of being in a more positive state.

I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 days dancing and singing in my living room with my kids. It was awesome! They were having a blast. At one point my daughter said “Mama I wish I was on stage singing RIGHT NOW!” Haha it was so cute. Then my other daughter noted how we had been listening to music and dancing pretty much all day since breakfast. They did not want to stop when it was time to eat, they were having such a blast! So was I. So even though it is boring winter and cold out now we managed to entertain ourselves for quite some time because I had so much random energy.

I’ve also been having quite a bit of “crossing over” of emotion which seems to be getting more common now for me. Meaning, (and please don’t take this offensively anyone!) it feels like I’m having a panic attack and on the brink of orgasm at the same time. It’s sort of that feeling of being on the precipice but for a realllllly long time, which actually can be strangely enjoyable, but very taxing on the body, even if you are doing nothing but sitting there! Your heart races, you hyperventilate, you get restless & jittery, feeling all sorts of sensations coursing through your body. However once it goes on too long, I generally have to take something sedating because I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!!! It is really peculiar, especially because fear and sexual pleasure aren’t exactly best friends. In the past I don’t recall even having stuff like this intertwined. It really leads me to believe even more that anxiety and “mania” are related physiologically somehow, because these things are happening simultaneously. Or, I might get mad/upset and excited at the same time too! Talk about weird. Being sad and being excited don’t seem to combine for me though. (Sounds obvious but given what I just said, maybe not so much.)

So that is that, my addled brain. I’m also inclined now to believe that the mood experiences of “mania” or elevated states are similar to those in drug use/addiction. This is something I REALLY REALLY plan to look into. There is a definite connection somehow. (I wanted to make a video about this earlier but was way too giddy and knew everyone would be flaming me if I did, so I didn't.) But anyway, it is way too late for all that at the moment :) Off to bed for me….if I can shut off my brain. Much love to everyone!

External triggers are huge in bipolar and mental illness

So I finally after all these years realized that my outside environment triggers me constantly. There is this misconception in the mental health field I think that certain mental disorders are “all in the mind” or “biologically based” meaning not much influenced by outside factors. Well, that is just WRONG. Saying something is biologically based is kind of nonsense. If you want to break it down literally EVERYTHING we do is biologically based. Eating, drinking, talking, our personality traits, behavior, perceptions, sensations, every single thing about us originates in our brain and nervous system. So yes, everything can be found to have a biological basis. But that discounts the fact that we are indeed influenced by outside factors regardless of whatever our particular biology may be, whether we have this illness or that illness or NO illness. One thing that is really irking me lately is this argument about “bipolar depression” vs. “unipolar depression”. There really is no distinction. Both are influenced by internal and external factors. But instead of digressing, I wanted to talk about triggers, meaning external sources that influence mood or mental state.

I’ve noticed that I’m incredibly sensitive to outside stimuli. Lights, noise, textures, anything that relates to the senses or sensory processing affects me in a huge way. In fact, so much so that it can bring on altered mood state where there were none previously occurring.

Let me give you an example. I’ve been in the throes of some pretty extreme rollercoaster “episodes” if you will for a while. Yesterday I woke up the feeling OK – neither up nor down. I felt slightly bored as I was going through the motions of getting kids off to school, picking up the house etc. I decided to put on some upbeat music. I almost never watch TV but was in the mood for something “poppy” so I turned on MTV. Seeing people dancing and hearing the beats made my mood start rising. Well it rose a little too much, pretty fast. I got up to the edge where excitement and agitation combine.

My heart was racing non-stop, I was short of breath. I felt like I was going to have a pleasure explosion and anxiety attack at the same time. This went on for hours. I was jumping all around and just had to talk to someone, just HAD TO. I started texting random people, a couple that I barely know or don’t know at all. I was really impatient when some didn’t respond immediately and then began to feel irritated that they DIDN’T respond. Why didn’t they respond? I’M FUN!!!! LET’S TALK!!! NOW!!!

So after some people responded I was laughing and LOL’ing non-stop over my phone for a couple of hours, music still playing in the background. I’d dance and laugh and totally just surrender to the feeling of pleasure spreading through my body, sexual surges pulsing in and out.

Then some slow songs would come on and the texting would slow down. FLIP. I’d sit and start drifting off. My heartbeat would go down, and I felt tired and bored yet again. I’d go to some calm activity to try to keep from being bored. Then it would get annoying. On comes my iPod, different peppy songs. FLIP.

Back to sensation overload. I really didn’t want to feel either extreme…I didn’t want to be blah and bored and I didn’t want to be so overly excited or agitated. I was completely influenced by the music and the conversations.

Eventually the day went on and I did my chores. I showered. My husband got home from work. I immediately dragged him into the bedroom for wild sex. I got dressed, we ate dinner. He watched the kids so I could get out of the house. I got in my truck and listened to some music and found myself giddily driving and completely distracted. I went to run some errands. I got to the store and wandered aimlessly, thoughts drifting. Texted some people to “come play hide and seek”. There was nothing to fuel my mind or body in the half dead store at night, no real stimulation or interaction, save with the cashier. I got into my car with a slight headache, went home. Was tired and blah when I got back. Hyperactivity = gone. I picked up a tiny bit and just went to sleep.

I see how everything around me was a trigger. Either a trigger to go up or a trigger to come down. The more stimulation I had, the higher I rose and the less I had the more I drifted down.

It’s an interesting observation, one that I have noted consistently over the course of the last year. So, if you’re reading this and have the same issues, keep an eye on the stuff around you. Beware that you aren’t unduly causing (or severely exacerbating) your own moods. Yeah I know, easier said than done, ha.

Correlation between Mania and Anxiety

My anxiety has been high for quite some time now. I’ve actually been having panic attacks often. I think that that underlying anxiety plays a big part in mood fluctuations. The physiological state of anxiety actually is not much different from the physiological state of being excited (happily). Both can cause: restlessness, a jittery feeling, racing heartbeat, racing thoughts, shortness of breath. The only difference is that anxiety is manifested in fearful behavior such as paranoia/irritation/anger whereas excitation is manifested in behavior like sensory seeking/risk taking/euphoria.

I noticed this back in April and made a video journal about the correlation between anxiety states and elevated or “manic” states.

So currently, as I said, my anxiety has been quite high. However the physiological symptoms I mentioned above fluctuate with regard to whether it manifests as fearful anxiousness or excited elation. It cycles back and forth, back and forth over the course of the day. At times the anxiety comes out as a panic attack, then it will flip on a dime and become excited elation and I will start to compulsively do things. Something to get into in another post.

What does bipolar FEEL like?

I’m going to try to get through this post, I wanted to write it last night but was so tired and had such a headache I just went to bed.

So, firstly, I really hate the mental health diagnostic system they have (i.e. the DSM). Even when you read about mental disorders in textbooks or other descriptions they simply read like a long list, and it really does no justice to the actual feelings and the actual experience of it. For example, a book might say,

“People with bipolar have the following symptoms: 

  Elated mood

  

 Irritability

         Distractability

         Impulsive behavior”

Ok, well, that can encompass a LOT. That’s like saying “I had a good day today.” Well, describe it! What made it good? How did it feel? It seems like the only people who talk about how it feels publicly are bloggers like myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a doctor really describe what a person with mental illness experiences other than the dry, bland stereotypical descriptions.

There are a couple bad things about this. 1) Everyone is constantly trying to lump themselves into these “categories”. And 2) No one really fits into those exact categories because so many people have multiple mental issues occurring simultaneously (such as bipolar and BPD, bipolar and OCD, etc.) You see the doctor and they want to figure out, are you having a manic episode? A mixed episode? Psychotic depression? Erratic mood swings from BPD? Dissociation?

The truth is there is no fine line, there is no real delineation between it all. My mood has been significantly altered lately and it has elements of all the things I’ve listed above. If I were to try to distinguish over the past week (or more) what “state” I was in I doubt I could. Maybe therein lies the problem. There really is no one “state”. Every state is simply a combination of many things you experience. I realize that we all must call it SOMEthing for the sake of clarity but in my view, I’d like to be as accurate as possible. So for now it involves just describing it all. Most would probably describe me as “manic” right now, but I think “altered” is more accurate.

Two nights ago I made an art video of what it FEELS like to live in this manner. I’d been wanting to make a professional movie like this for years and finally realized I could just use the programs I had on hand to at least give it a shot. I’d be going through all these mood states/mental disturbances and I wanted people to see not just the stereotypical list of symptoms but to see what it is like within our minds when these things occur, what the experience is like internally. If you’re interested in viewing, follow the link to watch ALTERED

Bipolar mania - misconceptions about symptoms

So, I’m going to describe a bit of what has been going on with me a little here and more in upcoming posts/videos, hopefully I can because I fully realize that my mind is not functioning as it should right now. It is very hard to concentrate.

I don’t know when this most recent period began. My moods have been fairly erratic the last few months, and I now realize they are often triggered by outside factors. I no longer see my bipolar/BPD/anxiety/depression as discrete “disorders”. I see them as a combined form of 1 thing where at times, one comes to the surface while others recede. However currently I’m literally experiencing almost everything a human can simultaneously.  So instead of referring to a particular disorder I’m simply going to address what I’m experiencing.

The textbooks always talk about those “stereotypical” behaviors – promiscuity, impulsive spending, reckless driving, yadda yadda yadda. It’s safe to say I’ve experienced most of those textbook things. But the thing I hate is they never describe what is going on internally when a person is doing those things – what drives them to do it, what their internal state is like. They generally just address outward behavior or “symptoms”.

I went off meds in January of this year. So it’s been almost a year without them. Like most people who have taken psychoactive meds, I don’t like doing it. (Post for another time). I was willing to accept the fluctuations and deal accordingly. In the last week my anxiety symptoms and mood fluctuations have become quite severe to the point that unfortunately, I have resorted to taking some medication again to try to tame it to the point that is manageable. I don’t mind going through the ups and downs. But when it gets to the point that my mind is so confused/erratic/discombobulated, I literally have a breakdown of mental functioning. I’m on my second day of resuming Zyprexa and waiting to see how that goes. It tends to work quickly. Here are a couple things I’ve noticed over this year (off meds).

        1) I have had far more elevated periods than depressed periods. Often, the feelings actually combine. I wouldn’t call that a “mixed” episode as doctors like to do, because it does not involve simply 2 mood states of elevation and depression. It literally involves every emotion possible. Yesterday a friend asked how I was feeling and I said “I feel like everything at the same time.” I was angry, happy, sad, anxious and excited ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY. I could not separate out one feeling and say “This is how I feel.” Needless to say, it can then cause a great deal of confusion within a person’s mind (as it did to me.)

                     2)  I’ve also noticed that I’m particularly sensitive to triggers in my environment. I’m far more affected by sensory input than I once realized. It is frustrating because it can cause a pretty serious dysregulation of mood. I have to try to find ways to mediate my surroundings which can be difficult. I cannot tune out all the triggers or become “immune” to them. Which sucks.

                  3)  Altered mood states for me involve just about everything. One misconception about bipolar or other similar mental illnesses are that they involve just MOOD or EMOTIONS. Not true. It involves a distortion of – time, memory, behavior, thought processing and others as well as emotion. So basically, it’s “the whole shebang.”

So I’ve been feeling a lot of – well, everything! It can be beautiful and horrible at the same time. Overwhelming feelings of pleasure mixed with intense feelings of agony, periods of confused elation, agitated elation, agitated anger. Periods of memory and time lapse, and dissociation from my mind and body, both heightening and depression of my nervous system. Well, it can make you an interesting person to be around or talk to, but it can be exhausting to experience it, both physically and mentally. It’s like living a constant paradox.

Caffeine, anxiety and our mental state

So I would say it is pretty much common knowledge that caffeine isn’t the best thing for us, especially in large doses. I was never a huge consumer of caffeine when I was younger, I would drink soda here and there and coffee and tea occasionally. In the last few years I got to where I would drink a cup of coffee a day as a “treat” full of sugary creamer (ok, yeah, I have a major sweet tooth.)

But when I had my son a year and a half ago, I started drinking mass quantities of coffee every day because I HAD to just to be able to stay awake. I’d go on about 4 hours of broken sleep a night dealing with a new infant, and having to take care of my him, plus my two other kids. It was killer. I needed that “pick me up” just to be able to get through the day and not fall asleep half way through. I would regularly drink 4-5 cups of coffee a DAY. It didn’t really seem to have too many adverse effects at the time, perhaps because I became so acclimated to it that it didn’t hit me anymore and I didn’t notice. Granted I was stressed constantly so maybe I attributed all that to the new baby. I’m sure the coffee made my sleep patterns worse, in retrospect.

Now, I have a better sleep schedule and get more sleep every night (although sometimes still broken since my son sleeps in my bed.) I stopped drinking so much coffee, but find that I still enjoy my morning cup of coffee (flavor wise anyway). However my body is saying NO. I now realize that any time I drink coffee it has a terrible effect on my nervous system. My anxiety level begins to rise as my heart rate gets rapid and I start to feel jittery, my stomach starts clenching up and my nervousness increases. It’s been bad enough that I have had to, a few times, take some Ativan to counteract the physiological effect on my body and get my heart rate to slow and the jitters to stop. That was the case this morning, which is why this is on the top of my brain at the moment.

So, it brings me almost full circle to talk about our moods, and caffeine’s effects on our mental state. Here I am, trying to relax, with my nice warm coffee in the morning and it is doing the absolute opposite to me – getting my body so riled up that it cannot calm itself. YIKES. A crappy, crappy feeling.

There are so many things that we do to ourselves (whether it is physical, such as drinking caffeine, smoking, doing drugs, eating unhealthy food loaded with sugar and chemicals). We don’t even think most of the time about the effect it has on both our body and our mind. Deep down we may KNOW “Caffeine causes anxiety” or “Sugar in large amounts makes me gain weight” or “Too much salt depletes water stores.” Yet we keep on drinking our coffee, eating our candy bars and chips and cookies. A lot of times it is because they are easy, and sadly, cheaper than “real food” like fruit and vegetables.

So one of my goals is to start doing more research into the nutrition element and how it affects our mental health. There is not nearly enough pertinence given to it, and my last counselor mentioned this. She was quite knowledgeable about nutrition (she said that she had ADD and has to manage her food to help manage her mental state.) She noted that it is important for everyone, especially those with a mental condition to monitor what goes into our bodies. I never really gave much credence to that before. I figured “If I’m not overweight, I’m fine.” We don’t stop to think about how intricate the human body is and how delicately it is maintained.

I remember taking an in-depth anatomy and physiology class years back and learning just how involved all these molecular processes are. It’s absolutely amazing how all these things function together. For example, the brain’s primary nutrient is glucose. Without enough glucose, it cannot work to its full capacity and can indeed die. A lot of the glucose we get comes from our food supplies (in various forms). So, if we have a bad diet, let’s say our brain gets too much glucose or not enough. Do you think that will have an effect on how our brain works? Surely. But people don’t think about these things. Today, so much emphasis in the mental health field is placed on medication and managing these things with medication. I’m going to assert that other things are just as important, perhaps even MORE important than medication. But, that is a post for another time J

Just throwing some info out there for you all, to watch how much caffeine you drink, and also to watch the processed food you put into your body. It affects you whether you recognize it or not.