The Demise of a Family

I’m feeling pretty low, so I’m going to write this. Maybe just as a vent but there really is so much to say, and so much encompassed here.

The crumbling of my marriage has made me think a lot this past year, especially in the last few months after separating for a second time. I know, and have for many years, that the relationship is no good and that it must be severed. But deep down, there is some part of me that still longs for that “perfect family”. The one I envisioned before I had kids. The one that has passed and that will now never be. Part of me doesn’t want to let go of that dream. But I have no choice, and I have to.

I wanted a loving husband, a supportive partner. Someone to share life’s ups and downs, the joy and sorrow and everything in between. Someone to grow closer to as the years went by, not further apart. Sadly, I didn’t get that, and I really in ways can’t blame anyone but myself for making bad choices and continuing on down a path I knew wasn’t right early on. But such is life, hindsight is 20/20 and a whole slew of things seem to come together to make the perfect storm at the time that becomes nearly impossible to escape from. The never ending cycle of people, of relationships.

When our kids came, I had a whole new dream…the dream of being the PTA mom, the mom that is involved in everything her kids do, who is patient, who is their biggest cheerleader and always encouraging them to be the best they can in life. Unfortunately, because of my own issues, I was at a disadvantage when it came to parenting, and I never really realized that. I found it to be hard, harder than most and often wondered why it was so hard and not as enjoyable as I had envisioned. Granted, a lot of things contributed to all that – relationship troubles, being alone, family troubles, mental health issues, kids health problems, moving, work and school issues…in short, the stresses of life hit me hard.

For a long time I managed to hold it together. I struggled with my moods, with depression and suicidal feelings terribly. I tried to continue to put on the brave face, to be the “good wife” and the “good mom” and show no chinks in the armor. But it was really hard to do, and eventually I did break.

After having my son, my stresses in life have only magnified. I love my kids tremendously. In fact they are the most meaningful thing to me. But I worry sometimes that I am a bad example for them. I worry that they see me “too sad” or “too angry” or even “too happy”. I try to exemplify all the traits I wanted to as a mom but each day is a struggle when you do it alone and are trying to maintain your own sanity, and take care of the needs of everyone else on top of it. For years, I have been both mother and father, nurturer and disciplinarian. I have to fill every role, and it’s not a natural place to be – to have to be everything to everyone.

Over the past two years the burnout of the stresses of life have slowly crept up on me to the point where I sometimes have so little energy I can barely get up off the couch. I wouldn’t even describe it as depression. More like – apathy, or even ambivalence. A complete drainage of the mental and physical energy that I need just to get through the days. This is life, and this is the way it is. Some things I can work on, some things I can change. But some I can’t. It isn’t going to get easier until my kids are grown, and I know that realistically. My family will never be “normal” and the broken things between their dad and I will never be mended. What’s done is done. And I accept that, but it doesn’t make me happy. Like I said, a part of me still longs for that ideal nuclear family – mom, dad, kids. The happy picture perfect scene out of a magazine.

I wish that life was not so hard and I wish there was more happiness, more lights to cling onto in the dark pit. I take them where I can find them, wherever that may be. And I keep getting up each day and carrying on, because that’s the best I can do. It’s all I can do.

Sexual messages in new country music

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for awhile but like everything, it takes time and I get so busy with all my other responsibilities! However having been listening to radio today with my son, I’m compelled to write. It always strikes me about the messages in music today. I really wish there would be a return to good old-fashioned values, but it seems to be constantly going in the opposite direction.

I used to love modern country music and listened to it a lot when I was younger. In a world of pop and rap where the messages were not that great country was pretty wholesome (when I was growing up anyway). It talked about real life things and was relatable. The messages in country music today though – wow. I’m not sure when it hit me, probably a few weeks ago. I don’t listen to much pop or country anymore because I find modern Christian music has much more uplifting messages and they really are “feel good” songs. So when I want to listen to music that is generally where I turn, but that is for another post J

Back to the country – here is what I see. There is a complete glorification of both drunkenness and promiscuity. One day there was a slew of songs in a row by male artists, and I kid you not, EVERY SINGLE ONE had references to sex and most were about sex with strangers or random people. I was really appalled when I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics, because most of the time, even when we are singing along, we don’t necessarily notice the message! When you strip away the music and look at the message it really is shocking in comparison to what it used to be. Today again I turned on the radio and it was glaringly obvious. Funny how once you notice something, you see it everywhere.

I wanted to excerpt a bunch of these songs as a comment because I think they really speak for themselves. This is the “young country” and really reflects the attitudes of this current generation. It’s hard to say whether these artists really believe what they are singing or if they are just pandering to the audiences who want this kind of material. In any case, it has really turned me away from country music and it’s sad. As a woman, I really can’t condone songs that glorify using women for sex. Even sadder is that women today are buying into the message and many times are complying with these ideas and attitudes because they believe that is what sexy means, that is what being a woman means – to be “hot” and have men falling over themselves to want to tear your clothes off and ravage you. It’s such a terrible message.

Without further ado…the excerpts (pretty much what I heard straight in a row today).

That’s My Kind of Night by Luke Bryan

You got that sun tan skirt and boots
Waiting on you to look my way and scoot
Your little hot self over here
Girl hand me another beer, yeah!

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!

Might sit down on my diamond plate tailgate
Put in my country ride hip-hop mixtape
Little Conway, a little T-Pain, might just make it rain

You can hang your t-shirt on a limb
Hit that bank and we can ease on in
Soak us up a little moonlight
You know I know what you like, yeah!

Sweet Little Somethin by Jason Aldean (interestingly, he is now divorced for cheating on his wife)

I need a sweet little somethin' like you girl
Standing there red hot, got that little tank top
Looking like you must be straight out of the country
Honey what I wouldn't do for a sweet little something like you
I see you dancing over there with your girlfriends
Got to find showing off that sun tan
You keep smiling, might smile to me
Like you read my mind

Burnin’ It Down by Jason Aldean

You slip your finger through the tear in my t-shirt
You stirrin' up dirty in the back of my mind
You keep on flirtin' cause you know that it's workin'
You stuck in my head girl writing the lines
Couldn't sing this song without you if I tried
Let's light it up like it's our last night

We're just hanging around
Burnin' it down
Sippin' on some cold Jack Daniel's
Jammin' to some old Alabama with you, baby
Laying right here naked in my bed
I'm just doing my thing
You love it when I sing
Say it makes you feel like an angel
We about to get a little tangled up right about now
So girl let's keep burnin' it down

Keep Them Kisses Coming by Craig Campbell

You got your hair down
You got that look in your eye
That says come here and get me boy
Lay me down and love me just right, yeah
Ain’t goin no where
I got a bottle of wine
I got nothin’ but time on my hands
And I’m gonna be your man tonight, ah yes I am

I can’t imagine doin’ nothin but what I’m doin
Just layin’ round tangled up with you
We got our buzz on sippin’ on a little something
I need your lovin’
Just keep them kisses comin’

It’s been a long week
I’ve been missin’ me some you
All I wanna do is get your lips on mine
Girl if you only knew

Yeah by Joe Nichols

It was just another night in the hayfield
'Til she climbed down off of them four wheels,
Yeah, yeah

Soon as that sundress hit the headlights
Every tailgate way out there was like yeah, yeah

She started walking over to me
Like she already knew me
Sat down right beside me
And asked if I was here alone

And I said
Yeah, yeah
Like I was nodding right along to a song on the radio
Yeah, yeah
Girl, how could I say no?
Whatever you're drinking, that's what I'm drinking
Girl, you're calling the shots tonight
Whatever you're thinking, that's what I'm thinking
Tell me what you got in mind

So I can say yeah, yeah

 

Payback by Rascal Flatts

Front of the line, straight past the bouncer
Lookin' so fine that the band announced ya
Gotcha tight jeans on and your hair done right
All your girlfriends say we throwin' down tonight
Let me guess, somebody done you wrong
And you're lookin' for a way to get your feel good on
Get some pictures on the Instagram and show him what he's missin'
Straight no chaser, girl on a mission

Mmm, baby I could be your payback
Hey, gonna help you get your sway back
Take ya to the dance floor, I'ma lean ya way back
Yeah, I'ma lean ya way back

Hope You Get Lonely Tonight by Cole Swindell

I could go for a tipsy tailgate kiss,
baby taste the moonshinin' off of your lips,
I want to see that want ya smile,
still got me hooked been hooked for awhile.
If you got a bottle you ain't opened yet,
and an empty spot beside ya in ya bed,
if you got some room for a little regret,
let me know girl I've already left

If you're feelin' what I'm feelin' let's mix it up,
you got my number baby hit me up,
if you need a little late night pick me up,
I hope you get lonely tonight,
we ain't gotta make up just kiss me,
we could straight up blame it on the whiskey,
you ain't gotta wake up and miss me, no,
I hope you get lonely tonight

That’s Where It’s At by Dustin Lynch

It ain't in a high rise looking for a good time shutting down the city lights
It ain't in the water floating like a bobber soaking up that hot sunshine
As good as it gets, no that ain't where it is

It's at 2 a.m. when she's reachin' over
Faded t-shirt hanging off her shoulder
Dressed up, her hair down, in a ball cap
Yep yep, as long as I get that
Sweet little something late night kiss
On a plane or a train or way back in the sticks
I swear, if she's there, that's where
Yep yep, that's where it's at

Small Town Throwdown by Brantley Gilbert

It's a small town throwdown
It's time to tallboy up, let them tailgates down
And man, it's on tonight, ridin' 'til the morning light
Crank that country up loud, it's a small town throwdown

Oh, we 'bout to throwdown, son

Now we got a field full of daisy dukes
Round here we know how to grow 'em
Rockin' little body and long tan legs
Sure ain't scared to show 'em, no

Show a little somethin', girl

ANNNNNNNND…HAVE TO THROW A COUPLE FEMALE SONGS IN THERE TOO

Somethin’ Bad by Miranda Lambert

Bout to tear it up down in New Orleans
Just like a real-life Thelma & Louise
If the cops catch up, they’re gonna call it Kidnapping
Got a real good feelin’ something bad about to happen

Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping
Got a real good feeling something bad about to happen
Drinks keep coming, throw my head back laughing
Wake up in the morning’ don’t know what happened
Whoa… Something bad

Day Drinkin’ by Little Big Town

Blame it on the work day
Blame it on the heatwave
Blame it on the tick-tock moving too slow
Blame it on any old thing you want to
Ready get set, baby here we go

Don't want to wait 'til the sun's sinking
We could be feeling alright
I know you know what I'm thinking
Why don't we do a little day drinking
Day drinking, day drinking
Why don't we do a little day drinking

So there you go…that is mainly just top 20 current songs in country right now…I think the message is pretty overwhelming. Drinking, random sexual encounters, brawls…that is the new “ideal” to today’s youth. Makes me even more mindful of my own children and giving them the right direction, and even as adults, keeping ourselves away from toxic moral messages.

Separating and moving forward in 2014...a new year and a new life

Well my friends, so much has happened since the last time I posted anything! It’s now 2014 and I am convinced that this is going to be my year. Most of 2013 was pretty awful and I’m feeling so much happier and more positive now. So let me catch you all up…

In a nutshell, at the start of 2013, I was pregnant, off meds, and out of counseling. Over the course of the year, I gave birth to my son, watched my marriage disintegrate, reentered individual counseling, restarted bipolar meds, and just in general, rode a crazy rollercoaster of emotion from day to day and week to week. I had some good stuff in there but overall, it was pretty icky. But now, 2013 is over, and with it, the end of one part of my life and beginning of another.

The biggest news is that my husband and I separated in December and are now living apart. It has been about 6 weeks and I’ve run the gamut of emotions thus far. Obviously, it’s  a huge life change. We have been together close to a decade and now I am faced with moving forward in my life without him. It was hard at first to admit that it was all really happening although I had seen it coming for a long, long time. I’ve felt the anger, the sadness, the regret, all of it and more. And finally, in the past week, I have started for the first time in years to feel real hope. Not a hope of reconciliation, or a mending of the relationship. But a hope for a better life. Hope for fulfillment. Hope for happiness.

Letting go of any relationship isn’t easy, whether that relationship was good or bad. It’s a process over time. Maybe because I saw this coming long ago I was in ways already mentally prepared. I don’t think most people would be ready to move on with their lives 6 weeks into a marital separation but that’s where I am. The truth is, we’ve been moving in different directions for the last year or two. And I’ve been having a lot of realizations and epiphanies over that time. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision to split up. It was thought about many, many times and in many different ways. I don’t want to get into the details of my personal life but I will just quote my counselor here and say “Sometimes, there is TOO MUCH water under the bridge.” And I believe that is true. Sometimes, too many things have been done to be undone or fixed. It is what it is. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Radical acceptance.

So let me go off track a little here and say I’m working with a new counselor and part of the therapy is working on DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That’s where the radical acceptance comes from. Accepting what is, without judgment. Accepting that everything that happened before has led me to this point in life. The good, the bad. It has all happened…I cannot change the past. I can only move forward. Truthfully I was working on this mindset before I even knew what DBT or radical acceptance was. But I really think this is a life changing idea. It can be applied to so many things, so many situations. It helps keep perspective. It helps remind me not to get caught up only in emotions but to use my wise mind, the melding of both emotion and logic. Not just one or the other…not just black or white. This has been a difficult concept for me. I think the majority of my life, I’ve been polarized. Good vs. bad. Love vs. hate. Friend vs. enemy. Emotion vs. logic. No middle ground. But I’m starting to move away from that. In truth, I feel quite enlightened. Despite all the crappiness going on in my life, I feel good. I feel a peace and centeredness that was not there before. I feel I have the strength to move forward instead of being mired in the sludge of defeat.

I have known for a long time that our outer world (family, relationships, jobs, environment) affects our inner world (ideas, beliefs, feelings). But it is only at this point in my life that I can really see in interconnectedness of the two. For so many years of my life, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t really see that things on the outside were affecting my mental state so drastically – not just the big events but things on a day to day basis. I felt sad and hopeless, like I was broken, useless. I had felt that way as a child and it followed me all through my life. I thought I would never be free of it ever. I thought, this is my lot in life. I should accept it because it will never change.

But I was wrong. In breaking away from toxic relationships I am amazed at the change in my  attitude. The world already seems like a sunnier place. Granted, yes, I still have a ton of mental issues, and I will continue to work on those, to gain insight, to learn, to make changes. But for the first time in my life, I actually feel that I can do this on my own. With each day that passes and each thing I accomplish, I feel more confident. I feel happier. There is something to be said for independence…the strength that it takes to carry on and make it through, not only to survive but to thrive. It’s a good feeling.

And truth be told, I am finding that I actually like life on my own. I’ve always felt that I needed a romantic love to be fulfilled but I see that is not true. There are a lot of kinds of love…family, friends, children. I don’t feel the extreme NEED to have a romantic lover anymore. What I value and desire is deeper than that. Caring, support, compassion, comraderie. Unconditional love.  I’m finding the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from those things in the various other relationships in my life, away from a marriage or romantic partnership. Maybe that’s strange, maybe not. I honestly do not see myself getting into another long term romantic relationship, ever. It simply is not what I want.

So, now, I’m doing well. My new year is off to a wonderful start. With 2013, I saw the end of a long, long chapter. Well, a whole bunch of bad chapters to be honest! Even before this year began I was determined to make lasting changes. So here are the changes that have happened, are happening and will be happening:

*** I’M TAKING CARE OF MY BODY. This involves the following things:

1)     I QUIT SMOKING. It’s been about a month since I quit and I’m feeling awesome about it. It was a bad habit I’d been wanting to get away from for a long time but always returned to it because of the stress of my relationship. With the end of the relationship I don’t feel the need to release stress in this unhealthy way.

2)     I STARTED EXERCISING. Over the summer I started working out, running on a track near my home. When winter came I stopped, because I’ve never been a gym person and to be honest, I felt self-conscious even at just the thought of going into the gym. But now, I’ve started going and running there. I’m also working out at home. The benefits to both my mind and body from these changes alone are amazing. I feel more confident, competent, and in control.

3)     I STARTED CARING MORE ABOUT MY EATING HABITS. I used to be a junk food junkie. I ate candy constantly, and had an ENTIRE CABINET devoted to candy. That’s right. That is how much I loved candy and sweets. Not only have I cut way back on that, I’m eating healthier in general. I’m drinking a lot of water and less caffeine. I’m more aware of what I put into my body, and caring for it. Before I skipped eating because I felt I had no time. Now I am making an effort to take that time.

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY MIND. Here’s how:

1)     I’M TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF. I have rarely taken time for myself in the last few years, and especially since I had my son 9 months ago. Time was a luxury I did not have, and when I did have time, I usually spent it doing things for others. I felt completely unappreciated and burned out. Now, just allotting a few hours of time for myself per week is making a huge difference. I am able to do whatever it is I want to do at that moment, whether it’s shopping, crafting, writing, just for myself. Its completely delectable!!!

2)     I’M BECOMING MORE INDEPENDENT. In the past I have had a tendency to become dependent on my romantic partners, mentally. Since I have had children I’ve also been dependent on my husband, physically and financially. I’m working on becoming more independent in both of those areas. I am taking on small household projecst that I would normally relegate to my husband as the man’s job. With each thing I do, my confidence grows and I realize, I really CAN do these things for myself! In the near future I will be looking for a job, and once I have a source of my own income again I know I will feel even better and much less helpless and reliant on others. 

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. This is a huge one, that has gotten neglected because most of my energy went to maintaining my marriage. Now that I no longer have to do that, I can focus the energy to places that have been lacking.

1)     SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THE CHILDREN. I’m getting the opportunity to spend more quality time with my kids. I used to have all 3 of them, pretty much all the time by myself. It was difficult to say the least and they had very little interaction with their dad. Now that we are living apart, they still spend most of the time with me, but also spend alone time with dad. We alternate kids so that we each get to spend quality time with each child and it is really going well. I feel so happy and no longer feel that I am missing out on everything they are doing from being tired/overworked/overwhelmed with the demands of daily life. The kids are really enjoying it too and I have seen a vast improvement in their general attitude in the last few weeks now that they have a more stable home environment.

2)     MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH FRIENDS. This area of my life always seems to suffer as my romantic relationships tend to force out any time/space for friends. Now, instead of turning to my husband I have been forced to find outside support and as a result I have rekindled several long term friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I feel I have so many great support people in my life now. Every day, I talk to a friend or family member in some capacity whether it be email, texting, talking on the phone or visiting in person. It feels sooooo awesome and I really feel loved and cared for.

Soooooooo, as you can see, I am really doing very well. The separation, as sad as it is and as much as I wanted things to work out, has been a catalyst for exciting changes that are doing wonders for my mental state. I truly hope to be able to maintain these changes for a general style of living that is vastly different than before. There are still more changes I want to make, and day by day, I’m finding new ways to bring joy and fulfillment to my life. As I said 2014 is shaping up to be a fantastic year.

So in love

Things are finally smoothing out around here :) Baby Goo is 3 months old and life is looking up, in a lot of ways. Physically, I’m completely healed from my surgery and have been for awhile. We figured out our nursing troubles (mainly caused by a tongue tie that my son had, which  has now been corrected.) So no more plugged ducts, no more pain and it’s going beautifully! Loving it all the time. My original goal was to get to 6 months breastfeeding, then possibly a year. I live in a great community for breastfeeding support so now I think my goal may even be longer than a year! We’ll see where the future takes us :)

I’m working on weight loss and getting in shape and unfortunately about 6 or 8 weeks ago I tore a ligament in my knee and had to stop running after only 2 weeks into my exercise regimen! I was so disappointed. Instead I began focusing more on my diet and that is going very well. I have cut back the amount I am taking in and in the past month I have lost 5 lbs. and 1 inch off my waist. Yeah! It definitely feels good to see progress. I have 3 more lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was heavier than it should have been because of medication I was taking.) So ultimately I’d like to lose 10 more lbs. after that. I know I can do it! It isn’t always easy but I have the goal and I am determined to reach it.

The kids are doing great as well and my twins are about to start school! I can’t believe they are growing so fast. I remember when they were born, thinking 5 years was so far away but it has passed in the blink of an eye. Now with my son, I am doing things a bit differently.  I know how fast it goes and instead of lamenting the hard times I am cherishing every moment because it will be gone all too soon. I am so in love with my baby boy, I just can’t get enough of him! I think he is the cutest, sweetest baby that ever was. :) I love every little thing about him, he is so beautiful, adorable, loving, I could go on and on with glowing adjectives, in short, I am just completely enamored of him! I LOVE MY BABY GOO and he has totally changed my life, in a wonderful way.

Mentally I am also doing very well. I’ve been making big changes in my life and my anxiety level is lowest it has been in years. I realized I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and ultimately, I had to change things for them to get better. It feels so awesome to know that I’m not watching life pass me by anymore and I’m actively out there doing things and enjoying things instead of being held back by anxiety and depression. I can only assume right now I’m in “remission” (I have no idea what they call it with bipolar!) But I’ve been med free and episode free for a year now and I’m doing so great.

Life is good.