Awareness is crucial in managing bipolar disorder off meds

Our circumstances can make us depressed. Seems like a fairly obvious statement, yes?

Sadly though, this fact is overlooked in the mental health field a lot, and even in our own personal lives. I know after being diagnosed with bipolar, I started to buy into all the messages out there – I NEEDED meds, it was bipolar that was making me depressed, I should monitor my moods so that I could alter my meds, etc. Sure, I had counseling but it mainly focused on – bipolar! Everything in a round about way came back to bipolar. I thought I was gaining clarity by listening to these messages. After all, these doctors and nurses and counselors were the experts, right?

During that time I was making videos a lot and still journaling so I have a lot of detailed accounts of how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. It is amazing to me looking back how unaware I was the vast majority of my life! I had a great deal of INSIGHT into my FEELINGS but very little AWARENESS of WHY I felt that way. I made one video about depression in 2010 and how nothing was going on in my life to make me depressed, and that it must have been bipolar. Yet, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and how they were affecting me.

During that particular time I made that video, I recall exactly what was going on, and my life was NOT going great at all. My husband and I were having major conflicts. It had been going on for months though so I think I just discounted it as having an effect on me, when I now see it was one of the main causes of my depression. Also, we were living with relatives at the time which was becoming stressful. We were looking for our own house, also stressful. I was taking care of twin 2 year olds, stressful. I can’t believe I didn’t take all that into account when looking at my mental state and the way it would fluctuate!!! I just thought, ohhhh, it’s bipolar…that stinks…maybe tomorrow would be better. In a way it kept me from addressing things in my life that were affecting me, because I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong things (bipolar/biological/medical problem) and not enough on other things (relationships/family life/stress level).

I guess I felt compelled to make this blog today because I think the current message in the mental health field is doing a disservice to those diagnosed with depression or bipolar. Here is my 2 cents…

I believe that many mental illnesses (including depression and bipolar) begin with an inherent sensitivity. This is something currently being researched in the mental health field and I do believe this is barking up the right tree, so to speak. I believe this sensitivity makes a person more likely to be affected by external stimuli. This can then manifest as many different things – anxiety, depression, mania.

For example – take an average person and a person with bipolar. Put them in a situation where they are going through a break-up. The average person will feel sad and maybe even depressed. The bipolar person may dwell on it incessantly, feel suicidal, perhaps even attempt suicide. The same stimuli but much more intense emotions related to that stimuli. (Keep in mind this is just a random example, of course this isn’t true of every average person or bipolar person! I’m just making a generalization.)

So, if I were to go to my psychiatrist and tell them all this, (in my fictional example) one of the first things they would be concerned with is: medication! Upping meds, changing meds, etc. They have the viewpoint that these things must be dealt with by pharmaceuticals. I used to believe that and I went along with it all. Now, I feel differently.

So many times over the course of my treatment, everything got lumped under the category “It’s because you have bipolar.” Is it? Well, no not really. Does being depressed because I have marital conflict mean it’s related to bipolar? Hardly. If I addressed the bigger issue (marital problems) could I help mediate the effects on my “illness”? I say yes.

Bipolar or not, we are all human beings. We feel low when we get divorced, lose a friend, have a family member that dies, lose a pet. Now, those are BIG things. But even little things affect us too. Having a stressful day at work. A sick child. An upcoming deadline. Interpersonal conflict. Too often, these things are not addressed in psychiatry or in counseling as far as ways to cope with these issues in healthy, non-medical means. Somehow, everything always comes back to an illness, even if it is a legitimate problem. To this day, within the bipolar community, whenever I say things that others view as extreme, they caution me that I must be having an episode. I deeply appreciate the care and concern. But it really goes to show just how ingrained the idea has become even within OURSELVES and TO ourselves that mental illness is WHAT we are. That we are helpless. That we cannot change or improve without meds. That any sort of variation means we better get some new meds, pronto, and that will help our situation.

Now, I think at times, medication plays a role but that often, when we learn to be aware of ourselves, our moods, our surroundings and WHAT is causing these feelings we can address them in a more pro-active way. Many people in the mental health system (including myself) did everything “right”. We went to counseling, we took the meds, we followed the regime for YEARS. But that is only addressing one small piece of the puzzle. We are multi-faceted individuals and must deal with our lives in a holistic manner, instead of focusing everything on ONE THING – our illness. That doesn’t help us, but instead keeps us trapped in a cycle we can never get out of. I often wondered WHY I wasn’t getting better despite doing all the “right” things (and believe me, I have heard the same thing from others about a million times! People want to know WHY these meds aren’t fixing their depression or their mood swings, WHY they aren’t getting better. Ultimately it can lead to a worse feeling of depression, because on top of the initial depression, there is depression for having “failed” to get better.)

I am now almost a year off meds and am so much more aware of myself than I was at the beginning of my mental health journey almost 5 years ago, and I am so thankful for that. Like I said, I could identify my feelings but not WHY I felt that way. I now understand: all the variation of mood, how various social cues trigger my moods or affect them (positive or negative), how the behaviors I engage in affect me, how all of this affects others. It’s not something that occurs overnight but is a learning process that occurs over time and with observation. Does that mean I’m now “fixed”? No. But it puts me ahead of the game because I can anticipate things before they happen. I can be prepared. I minimize the chances of being caught off guard. When bad things do happen, I can learn from them and try to adjust things/situations in the future. I know my weaknesses and limitations and try to take those into account when making plans or scheduling particular outings or things of that nature. For example, I now know that working hard on something can trigger elevated mood or “mania” for me. So, I don’t avoid working hard, but if I notice signs, I can either enjoy the ride or if it becomes extreme, back off and try to do calming activities to mediate the excitation happening in my brain. If I start feeling depressed and notice I’m ruminating on negative thoughts, I can purposely cut off the train of thought and engage in something more uplifting – some happy music, or watching a funny video, or talking to a close friend. If I weren’t aware of the effects of my environment on me, I couldn’t do any of these things! Awareness is SO important. I think it is THE most important thing in dealing with mental illness, period.

So my advice to anyone new to the mental health system or newly diagnosed is this – FIRST, take stock of your own life. No one knows you like YOU. You are the best advocate for yourself. We may like the idea of a fairy godmother or white knight swooping in and fixing us or fixing our lives but that isn’t reality. We must be our own advocates in life. Understanding yourself better can help you understand your moods and ways of coping or self-medicating (drugs/alcohol/self-injury/bingeing/social withdrawal, etc.) that are unique to you. You can in turn begin to address these things. SECOND – Don’t believe the hype. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar (or even if you just think you may have it) not everything about you is “because you have bipolar”! Bipolar in itself doesn’t make a person inherently – quiet, loud, obnoxious, generous, loving, selfish or any other thing. We all have to accept that we have our own traits regardless of bipolar. Don’t fall into the trap of believing “I’m a thrill seeker…it’s because I have bipolar!” or “I don’t like people. It’s because I have bipolar.” Not only is that boxing yourself in, but some of it isn’t even true (bipolar is simply a tendency for extreme mood experiences and shifts.) While you may be able to say you’re a thrill seeker while in an elevated mood state, if you’re like that all the time, it’s just your personality. (I’m going to go ahead and say that most people realize a lot of their own personality traits, good or bad. We don’t all admit them openly to others though!) Lumping all these things under the heading of “bipolar” may make you feel better for a while and you may feel validated that it’s not all in your head, (I know I did) but eventually it will consume you. Bipolar will become the only thing you see about yourself and in a weird way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you’re nuts and so you act nuts, so people treat you nuts and so you believe you’re nuts…It will make you feel worse and not better. And that isn’t what any of us want, bipolar or not.

LASTLY, Many times, bipolar or not, addressing the true issues in life can bring more happiness than simply relying on a pill. There is no miracle pill to cure bipolar or depression. But healing starts with AWARENESS. A person can never change something they are unaware of. If you walked around with spinach in your teeth all day and never looked in a mirror, would you think to floss your teeth right away? Probably not. You wouldn’t even be aware of it. But if you thought to yourself while you were eating your salad that you better head to the bathroom after you eat and make sure your pearly whites were white instead of green, you’d head off any unforeseen embarrassment. Point is, be aware. Aware of YOURSELF, aware of what is AROUND you. Notice how things affect you, what your particular “weaknesses” are, what triggers your moods (both down and up). Is it having too much to do in a short time? Is it dealing with money troubles? Relationship troubles? Is it being involved in a cool class? Experiencing something new? Really take a step back and assess your own life. You can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. Only by truly looking at yourself as a whole can you begin to understand how to take steps that will bring the improvements you seek.

The Demise of a Family

I’m feeling pretty low, so I’m going to write this. Maybe just as a vent but there really is so much to say, and so much encompassed here.

The crumbling of my marriage has made me think a lot this past year, especially in the last few months after separating for a second time. I know, and have for many years, that the relationship is no good and that it must be severed. But deep down, there is some part of me that still longs for that “perfect family”. The one I envisioned before I had kids. The one that has passed and that will now never be. Part of me doesn’t want to let go of that dream. But I have no choice, and I have to.

I wanted a loving husband, a supportive partner. Someone to share life’s ups and downs, the joy and sorrow and everything in between. Someone to grow closer to as the years went by, not further apart. Sadly, I didn’t get that, and I really in ways can’t blame anyone but myself for making bad choices and continuing on down a path I knew wasn’t right early on. But such is life, hindsight is 20/20 and a whole slew of things seem to come together to make the perfect storm at the time that becomes nearly impossible to escape from. The never ending cycle of people, of relationships.

When our kids came, I had a whole new dream…the dream of being the PTA mom, the mom that is involved in everything her kids do, who is patient, who is their biggest cheerleader and always encouraging them to be the best they can in life. Unfortunately, because of my own issues, I was at a disadvantage when it came to parenting, and I never really realized that. I found it to be hard, harder than most and often wondered why it was so hard and not as enjoyable as I had envisioned. Granted, a lot of things contributed to all that – relationship troubles, being alone, family troubles, mental health issues, kids health problems, moving, work and school issues…in short, the stresses of life hit me hard.

For a long time I managed to hold it together. I struggled with my moods, with depression and suicidal feelings terribly. I tried to continue to put on the brave face, to be the “good wife” and the “good mom” and show no chinks in the armor. But it was really hard to do, and eventually I did break.

After having my son, my stresses in life have only magnified. I love my kids tremendously. In fact they are the most meaningful thing to me. But I worry sometimes that I am a bad example for them. I worry that they see me “too sad” or “too angry” or even “too happy”. I try to exemplify all the traits I wanted to as a mom but each day is a struggle when you do it alone and are trying to maintain your own sanity, and take care of the needs of everyone else on top of it. For years, I have been both mother and father, nurturer and disciplinarian. I have to fill every role, and it’s not a natural place to be – to have to be everything to everyone.

Over the past two years the burnout of the stresses of life have slowly crept up on me to the point where I sometimes have so little energy I can barely get up off the couch. I wouldn’t even describe it as depression. More like – apathy, or even ambivalence. A complete drainage of the mental and physical energy that I need just to get through the days. This is life, and this is the way it is. Some things I can work on, some things I can change. But some I can’t. It isn’t going to get easier until my kids are grown, and I know that realistically. My family will never be “normal” and the broken things between their dad and I will never be mended. What’s done is done. And I accept that, but it doesn’t make me happy. Like I said, a part of me still longs for that ideal nuclear family – mom, dad, kids. The happy picture perfect scene out of a magazine.

I wish that life was not so hard and I wish there was more happiness, more lights to cling onto in the dark pit. I take them where I can find them, wherever that may be. And I keep getting up each day and carrying on, because that’s the best I can do. It’s all I can do.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of all this is

I don’t even know where to begin this or if I will post it. I alternate with writing in my journal privately and stuff that I post here. I tend to have a bit of a problem with self-disclosure. I overshare. So it’s always a battle to try to decide what to post and what not to post, what is “too much information.”

Anyway I am really feeling miserable today. I really feel just angry and like crying at the same time. There’s a little TMI for you…sometimes, when I get really REALLY angry, I start crying. Doesn’t happen often but when it does it makes me even angrier! Especially if someone is around because they assume I’m sad when really I just want to smash something. I think it’s more of a result of trying to hold anger in. That and probably a bunch of frustration thrown in.

I’m just sitting here listening to angry & depressed music, thinking about all the reasons I feel crappy. And I’m just going to go off about it now.

I feel crappy because I have been sick off and on for a month. I’ve literally been to the doctor 3 times this month for different ailments! I know it partially due to stress and my immune system being compromised. It becomes so mentally draining. I want to go to sleep for a week but I can’t. Not really an option. I have kids, and their issues to deal with. But you know, no one can be “on” all the time. It’s impossible.

I volunteered to make a cake for the fall carnival at my kid’s school. Then I got sick. Now I’ve been rushing around trying to get it worked on (caking is a hobby of mine, so I don’t just throw a mix in a mixer. I make everything from scratch and usually each cake is a 10+ hour endeavor.) So I had this awesome idea and got it pieced together last night only to awake this morning to find my skeleton (cake topper) falling apart and cracking! I’m soooooo mad and upset about it. Not just because it’s not hardening like it should, but because I am doing this for a raffle to raise money for the school. And I’m thinking, who is going to buy this f*%^ed up cake if I can’t fix it??!?!? I have til about 1 PM tomorrow to figure it out *depressed sigh*

We bought a new car today. Ok, it’s not a “new” car. It’s new to us. We needed something so that I could take my girls to school. They have been having issues with problems on the bus and refusing to go to school. They somewhat agree if we drive them (to be fair, it is mostly one of my girls.) We were trying to get by with 1 vehicle for the next year because we plan on moving across country. But with all this huge stuff going on with my kids, it wasn’t feasible. So we bought a mini-van. Yeah, I am now that mom. It’s cool because it’s got a lot of convenient stuff for a person with small children. And my kids really wanted a mini-van, they think they are “so fun”. So now, I have turned over MY TRUCK (which is like my baby) to my husband. It sounds like a stupid thing to be upset about right? I mean, it’s just a car. But it’s my car. It’s big and shiny and has personalized plates and bright pink seat covers…it’s always been good to me. I really love it. On the way home from getting the new mini-van my husband says “The first thing I need to do is get rid of these seat covers!” I’m sure he will drive it around at 80 MPH all the time and in a year it will be a dented piece of $h*t.

We were so busy today we wound up going out to eat with the kids at a sit down restaurant. They were so wild, especially my son. He was flailing and fussing and trying to run away most of the time. It was so stressful, I could barely get any food down because I was just trying to manage the situation. Enjoyable family time? Yeah right.

Life is boring. The past two days I have just been plagued by this overwhelming sense of boredom and blah-ness. Part of it is the weather. I hate it where I live, and I hate winter, period. There is nothing to do in winter, there is nothing to do where I live. Which is why I am moving soon, away from cold and snow and boring isolation.

But even beyond that, life is just boring. It just seems sometimes like everything is recycled. You get excited about something but then it lasts a short while and it’s over. You have to find something else to get excited about. Once you’ve experienced something once, it’s like it all becomes the same. You’ve had sex once, you’ve done it a million times. You’ve eaten one piece of chocolate mousse, you’ve eaten a million. You’ve watched one movie, you’ve seen them all. You know what I mean? There is no real point. It’s just various versions of the same thing. But we’re always seeking out distractions, diversions from the monotony of life.

I live a life without love. Not entirely – I love my kids and they love me. In fact I would say they are the “loves of my life”. The only things (besides God) that I do love. But I guess I mean love in an adult sense. Romantic love, partner love. I sort of gave up long ago on the idea, and I accepted that. I was fully prepared to live life alone and just do it on my own. Detached? Jaded? Maybe. But functional. Then when my husband moved back in, everything became f*%#ed up again. Being constantly confronted with negativity and hostility takes a toll. I waffle between being hopeful and hopeless about it. Most of the time I just don’t care. Like I say, I’m detached. It’s a weird feeling. My motto a long time ago became “It is what it is.” I even found this at the store months back. I contemplated buying it.

I did see a young couple today though, and they brought me kind of low. I was in our new mini-van, waiting for my husband and daughter to get a few things while my son was napping. A car pulled up across from us, and there was a young couple. They were laughing and smiling and when they parked they just sat talking. Then they had a cute little peck. Then they held each other’s faces and kissed tenderly. They sat quite a while, talking, laughing, kissing in the darkened night, thinking no one could see. It was very sweet. I remembered being that young person like them, sharing those moments of laughter with someone I loved, being so hopeful. Then you make choices, you grow up, you realize life didn’t turn out the way you hoped. And you can’t turn back time. Life is what it is now, and I accept that.

So there is my bleak outlook on life for now.

 I could go on and on…but I won’t. Just life. Everyday life.

My Christian Playlist

Since I wrote about bad messages in music, I wanted to post about some positive messages in music as well! I’ve been listening to Christian music for years, even when I wasn’t involved in anything God related, just because I found it to be happy and uplifting. Now it is what I listen to most of the time because I try to avoid the bad messages in other forms of popular music.

When I was young I used to think ewwwww, Christian music! And it conjured up images of people crying at concerts and things like that, which I found ridiculous but I now get it completely. I’ve cried at some of these songs myself because they are so moving, or they speak to me at just the right moment when I need it. They encourage positive values, loving yourself, loving others, being caring, helpful, generous. Loving God, respecting him, worshiping. Some of it is slow and some of it is music that makes you get up and dance! Whenever I listen to this music it truly does cheer me up. I can’t tell you how many times I was having a terrible day or experience and I turned on the Christian station and heard just the right thing at the right time to lift me up and help me keep going.

So here in my current playlist I’ve been playing quite a bit! Go listen to them now!

*Ready or Not by Britt Nicole

I'm not ever selling out
A love out loud is what it's all about
Giving everything to see the lost get found
Yeah, it's going down

You, you, you want me to take my light, light
Fit it in your box, right?
I want you to look me in the eye

Ready or not
Here, here, here, here I come
I'm about to show you where the light comes from

*Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

*Speak Life by TobyMac

Though it's crazy, amazing
We can turn a heart with the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die

So speak Life, speak Life
To the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak Life
When the sun won't shine and you don't know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak...
You speak Life, You speak Life

*Your Love by Brandon Heath

*Shine Your Way by Owl City

*Starry Night by Chris August

*Architecture by Jonathan Thulin

*More of You by Colton Dixon

*Ready, Set, Go by Royal Tailor

*Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath

*Born Again by Newsboys

*You Invite Me In by Meredith Andrews (first Christian song that ever stuck in my heart years ago!)

*Drifting by Plumb

*What I’ve Overcome by Fireflight

*Walk on the Water by Britt Nicole

Awesome, uplifting songs that really understand our physical human needs and spiritual needs as well. Hope that you enjoy them like I do.