Awareness is crucial in managing bipolar disorder off meds

Our circumstances can make us depressed. Seems like a fairly obvious statement, yes?

Sadly though, this fact is overlooked in the mental health field a lot, and even in our own personal lives. I know after being diagnosed with bipolar, I started to buy into all the messages out there – I NEEDED meds, it was bipolar that was making me depressed, I should monitor my moods so that I could alter my meds, etc. Sure, I had counseling but it mainly focused on – bipolar! Everything in a round about way came back to bipolar. I thought I was gaining clarity by listening to these messages. After all, these doctors and nurses and counselors were the experts, right?

During that time I was making videos a lot and still journaling so I have a lot of detailed accounts of how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. It is amazing to me looking back how unaware I was the vast majority of my life! I had a great deal of INSIGHT into my FEELINGS but very little AWARENESS of WHY I felt that way. I made one video about depression in 2010 and how nothing was going on in my life to make me depressed, and that it must have been bipolar. Yet, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and how they were affecting me.

During that particular time I made that video, I recall exactly what was going on, and my life was NOT going great at all. My husband and I were having major conflicts. It had been going on for months though so I think I just discounted it as having an effect on me, when I now see it was one of the main causes of my depression. Also, we were living with relatives at the time which was becoming stressful. We were looking for our own house, also stressful. I was taking care of twin 2 year olds, stressful. I can’t believe I didn’t take all that into account when looking at my mental state and the way it would fluctuate!!! I just thought, ohhhh, it’s bipolar…that stinks…maybe tomorrow would be better. In a way it kept me from addressing things in my life that were affecting me, because I was putting too much emphasis on the wrong things (bipolar/biological/medical problem) and not enough on other things (relationships/family life/stress level).

I guess I felt compelled to make this blog today because I think the current message in the mental health field is doing a disservice to those diagnosed with depression or bipolar. Here is my 2 cents…

I believe that many mental illnesses (including depression and bipolar) begin with an inherent sensitivity. This is something currently being researched in the mental health field and I do believe this is barking up the right tree, so to speak. I believe this sensitivity makes a person more likely to be affected by external stimuli. This can then manifest as many different things – anxiety, depression, mania.

For example – take an average person and a person with bipolar. Put them in a situation where they are going through a break-up. The average person will feel sad and maybe even depressed. The bipolar person may dwell on it incessantly, feel suicidal, perhaps even attempt suicide. The same stimuli but much more intense emotions related to that stimuli. (Keep in mind this is just a random example, of course this isn’t true of every average person or bipolar person! I’m just making a generalization.)

So, if I were to go to my psychiatrist and tell them all this, (in my fictional example) one of the first things they would be concerned with is: medication! Upping meds, changing meds, etc. They have the viewpoint that these things must be dealt with by pharmaceuticals. I used to believe that and I went along with it all. Now, I feel differently.

So many times over the course of my treatment, everything got lumped under the category “It’s because you have bipolar.” Is it? Well, no not really. Does being depressed because I have marital conflict mean it’s related to bipolar? Hardly. If I addressed the bigger issue (marital problems) could I help mediate the effects on my “illness”? I say yes.

Bipolar or not, we are all human beings. We feel low when we get divorced, lose a friend, have a family member that dies, lose a pet. Now, those are BIG things. But even little things affect us too. Having a stressful day at work. A sick child. An upcoming deadline. Interpersonal conflict. Too often, these things are not addressed in psychiatry or in counseling as far as ways to cope with these issues in healthy, non-medical means. Somehow, everything always comes back to an illness, even if it is a legitimate problem. To this day, within the bipolar community, whenever I say things that others view as extreme, they caution me that I must be having an episode. I deeply appreciate the care and concern. But it really goes to show just how ingrained the idea has become even within OURSELVES and TO ourselves that mental illness is WHAT we are. That we are helpless. That we cannot change or improve without meds. That any sort of variation means we better get some new meds, pronto, and that will help our situation.

Now, I think at times, medication plays a role but that often, when we learn to be aware of ourselves, our moods, our surroundings and WHAT is causing these feelings we can address them in a more pro-active way. Many people in the mental health system (including myself) did everything “right”. We went to counseling, we took the meds, we followed the regime for YEARS. But that is only addressing one small piece of the puzzle. We are multi-faceted individuals and must deal with our lives in a holistic manner, instead of focusing everything on ONE THING – our illness. That doesn’t help us, but instead keeps us trapped in a cycle we can never get out of. I often wondered WHY I wasn’t getting better despite doing all the “right” things (and believe me, I have heard the same thing from others about a million times! People want to know WHY these meds aren’t fixing their depression or their mood swings, WHY they aren’t getting better. Ultimately it can lead to a worse feeling of depression, because on top of the initial depression, there is depression for having “failed” to get better.)

I am now almost a year off meds and am so much more aware of myself than I was at the beginning of my mental health journey almost 5 years ago, and I am so thankful for that. Like I said, I could identify my feelings but not WHY I felt that way. I now understand: all the variation of mood, how various social cues trigger my moods or affect them (positive or negative), how the behaviors I engage in affect me, how all of this affects others. It’s not something that occurs overnight but is a learning process that occurs over time and with observation. Does that mean I’m now “fixed”? No. But it puts me ahead of the game because I can anticipate things before they happen. I can be prepared. I minimize the chances of being caught off guard. When bad things do happen, I can learn from them and try to adjust things/situations in the future. I know my weaknesses and limitations and try to take those into account when making plans or scheduling particular outings or things of that nature. For example, I now know that working hard on something can trigger elevated mood or “mania” for me. So, I don’t avoid working hard, but if I notice signs, I can either enjoy the ride or if it becomes extreme, back off and try to do calming activities to mediate the excitation happening in my brain. If I start feeling depressed and notice I’m ruminating on negative thoughts, I can purposely cut off the train of thought and engage in something more uplifting – some happy music, or watching a funny video, or talking to a close friend. If I weren’t aware of the effects of my environment on me, I couldn’t do any of these things! Awareness is SO important. I think it is THE most important thing in dealing with mental illness, period.

So my advice to anyone new to the mental health system or newly diagnosed is this – FIRST, take stock of your own life. No one knows you like YOU. You are the best advocate for yourself. We may like the idea of a fairy godmother or white knight swooping in and fixing us or fixing our lives but that isn’t reality. We must be our own advocates in life. Understanding yourself better can help you understand your moods and ways of coping or self-medicating (drugs/alcohol/self-injury/bingeing/social withdrawal, etc.) that are unique to you. You can in turn begin to address these things. SECOND – Don’t believe the hype. Even if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar (or even if you just think you may have it) not everything about you is “because you have bipolar”! Bipolar in itself doesn’t make a person inherently – quiet, loud, obnoxious, generous, loving, selfish or any other thing. We all have to accept that we have our own traits regardless of bipolar. Don’t fall into the trap of believing “I’m a thrill seeker…it’s because I have bipolar!” or “I don’t like people. It’s because I have bipolar.” Not only is that boxing yourself in, but some of it isn’t even true (bipolar is simply a tendency for extreme mood experiences and shifts.) While you may be able to say you’re a thrill seeker while in an elevated mood state, if you’re like that all the time, it’s just your personality. (I’m going to go ahead and say that most people realize a lot of their own personality traits, good or bad. We don’t all admit them openly to others though!) Lumping all these things under the heading of “bipolar” may make you feel better for a while and you may feel validated that it’s not all in your head, (I know I did) but eventually it will consume you. Bipolar will become the only thing you see about yourself and in a weird way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you’re nuts and so you act nuts, so people treat you nuts and so you believe you’re nuts…It will make you feel worse and not better. And that isn’t what any of us want, bipolar or not.

LASTLY, Many times, bipolar or not, addressing the true issues in life can bring more happiness than simply relying on a pill. There is no miracle pill to cure bipolar or depression. But healing starts with AWARENESS. A person can never change something they are unaware of. If you walked around with spinach in your teeth all day and never looked in a mirror, would you think to floss your teeth right away? Probably not. You wouldn’t even be aware of it. But if you thought to yourself while you were eating your salad that you better head to the bathroom after you eat and make sure your pearly whites were white instead of green, you’d head off any unforeseen embarrassment. Point is, be aware. Aware of YOURSELF, aware of what is AROUND you. Notice how things affect you, what your particular “weaknesses” are, what triggers your moods (both down and up). Is it having too much to do in a short time? Is it dealing with money troubles? Relationship troubles? Is it being involved in a cool class? Experiencing something new? Really take a step back and assess your own life. You can be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. Only by truly looking at yourself as a whole can you begin to understand how to take steps that will bring the improvements you seek.

My Christian Playlist

Since I wrote about bad messages in music, I wanted to post about some positive messages in music as well! I’ve been listening to Christian music for years, even when I wasn’t involved in anything God related, just because I found it to be happy and uplifting. Now it is what I listen to most of the time because I try to avoid the bad messages in other forms of popular music.

When I was young I used to think ewwwww, Christian music! And it conjured up images of people crying at concerts and things like that, which I found ridiculous but I now get it completely. I’ve cried at some of these songs myself because they are so moving, or they speak to me at just the right moment when I need it. They encourage positive values, loving yourself, loving others, being caring, helpful, generous. Loving God, respecting him, worshiping. Some of it is slow and some of it is music that makes you get up and dance! Whenever I listen to this music it truly does cheer me up. I can’t tell you how many times I was having a terrible day or experience and I turned on the Christian station and heard just the right thing at the right time to lift me up and help me keep going.

So here in my current playlist I’ve been playing quite a bit! Go listen to them now!

*Ready or Not by Britt Nicole

I'm not ever selling out
A love out loud is what it's all about
Giving everything to see the lost get found
Yeah, it's going down

You, you, you want me to take my light, light
Fit it in your box, right?
I want you to look me in the eye

Ready or not
Here, here, here, here I come
I'm about to show you where the light comes from

*Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

*Speak Life by TobyMac

Though it's crazy, amazing
We can turn a heart with the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die

So speak Life, speak Life
To the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak Life
When the sun won't shine and you don't know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak...
You speak Life, You speak Life

*Your Love by Brandon Heath

*Shine Your Way by Owl City

*Starry Night by Chris August

*Architecture by Jonathan Thulin

*More of You by Colton Dixon

*Ready, Set, Go by Royal Tailor

*Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath

*Born Again by Newsboys

*You Invite Me In by Meredith Andrews (first Christian song that ever stuck in my heart years ago!)

*Drifting by Plumb

*What I’ve Overcome by Fireflight

*Walk on the Water by Britt Nicole

Awesome, uplifting songs that really understand our physical human needs and spiritual needs as well. Hope that you enjoy them like I do.

Is faith in God important? Can we believe in God?

I’ve been doing a heck of a lot of writing lately, both blog-wise and journaling. The stuff I have posted here is just a fraction of what I have actually written and truthfully, there are about 20 more blogs I have notes on with intention to write that I have not gotten to yet. It seems once I start to explore one thing, another pops up. And since I’m trying to limit my posts to one topic at a time, I end up with a lot of stuff!!!

Two things I know I want to focus on in this blog going forward are discussing mental issues (I really don’t like the term mental illness, but I use it because that is what mental issues, disorders, problems etc. are mainly referred to as now) and God/spirituality. Whenever I start talking about anything psychology, or societally related, it always circles back to God without me even trying. I think because in the end, there is no man made fix. I’m always reaching back back back, looking to the root cause of things and ways it can be fixed. But it really can’t be by any man made means, or it would have been done by now.

So this post is going to focus on faith, and how faith in God is important.

Someone I know is taking a religion class on the New Testament for their degree (required by the school, not the person’s degree program.) This person has never really been a believer in God or Christianity, in fact they don’t know anything about the Bible. So now they have been reading the New Testament for the first time, asking me lots of Bible related questions and so we’ve had some interesting discussions. Last night the topic arose of “How can I believe in God when there is no proof?” And my answer was something I only recently came to understand fully – that a person must have faith in God, in order to see that proof.

What is faith, really? You hear Christians talk about faith all the time, faith in God, faith in Jesus. Faith, faith, faith. The New Testament is absolutely filled with scriptures talking about the importance of having faith. But most people never stop to think about what that really means.

If you were to say you had faith in your friend that they would be able to lose weight, or ace an upcoming job interview, what would you mean by that? You’d mean that you believed in them, that you had complete confidence in what they could do or achieve, even if you had no definitive way of knowing that they WOULD lose weight or get the job. To have faith in God MEANS to believe in him, whether we can see him or not, whether we have any proof or not.

So now I have to address the idea of what constitutes proof. I think it is so hard for scientifically minded or academically minded people to believe in God because they want “proof”. Generally this means some sort of physical, tangible thing. So if it cannot be tasted/touched/seen/smelled/felt then it is concluded that it must not exist. As an academically minded person myself, I find this thinking to be very strange. There are countless things that cannot be measured with physical means and yet we know to exist. When we feel we love someone, can that be measured with scientific or medical means? Is love truly in our “hearts” as the saying goes? We know it exists solely within our minds. The same is true for any ideas we have at all. They exist within our minds, in a place that cannot be measured. Yet nothing of man-made origin would exist without them. Can a doctor cut into our anatomic brain, remove a slice and examine it under a microscope and say, “Ahhhh yes. There is Nicole’s idea about faith. I can see it now.” No. The only way we even know ideas exist are because we see the OUTWARD manifestation of those ideas, which are created with our physical bodies and discerned by our senses, NOT because we see the ideas themselves. Ideas are esoteric, but we know they exist.

By the same token, if we have faith and believe God exists, we can see his hand in what we know, his supremely intelligent design. Years back, I took Human Anatomy & Physiology, not an easy class. I had to study an 1100 page medical book from cover to cover, dissection labs, the works. It was a very in-depth, holistic view, down the complex chemical processes that occur each second in order to sustain life. When you begin to see how everything is connected, you cannot help but be filled with awe. Nothing is superfluous. Everything has a purpose, a function. It all works together. The absolute magnitude of processes that occur simultaneously is truly mind boggling. When the slightest thing becomes out of alignment, it can cause sickness and death almost immediately. I honestly cannot believe that anyone who has ever studied medicine could deny God. We take our bodies and minds for granted every day. But if you stop to think about the process of anything in nature – the formation of planets, the growth of a plant, human life – the answer to me is beyond clear. The Bible even addresses this to skeptics of God:

“The heavens are declaring the glory of God; The skies above proclaim the work of his hands.  Day after day their speech bubbles forth,
And night after night they reveal knowledge.” (Psalms 19:1, 2)

“For his invisible qualities are clearly seen from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made, even his eternal power and Godship, so that they are inexcusable.” (Romans 1:20)

A person doesn’t need higher education to be able to look at a sunset and be in amazement, or to wonder about the magnitude of the universe or marvel at the birth of a child. These are things each one of us is capable of seeing and knowing and believing. The idea that only certain people who are geniuses can understand things, is simply not true. God allows himself to been seen, if a person truly wants to “see” him.

It is interesting to note, that even in Jesus’ time when he WAS giving them physical proof, in the form of miracles such as curing the blind or raising the dead, many STILL did not believe, and they still had no faith at all. So, seeing is not always believing, as the saying goes.

Mankind seems, as a whole these days, obsessed with the idea that their knowledge and wisdom is superior. The apostle Paul had some great words in his letter to the Corinthians about man’s idea of wisdom and God’s idea of wisdom, and reminds us not to be led down a false path.

“And I came to you in weakness and in fear and with much trembling;  and my speech and what I preached were not with persuasive words of wisdom but with a demonstration of spirit and power,  so that your faith might be, not in men’s wisdom, but in God’s power.” (1^st Cor. 2:4, 5)

“Now we received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit that is from God, so that we might know the things that have been kindly given us by God. These things we also speak, not with words taught by human wisdom, but with those taught by the spirit, as we explain spiritual matters with spiritual words. But a physical man does not accept the things of the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot get to know them, because they are examined spiritually.” (1^st Corinthians 2:12-14)

Now, don’t get me wrong. Knowledge, and wisdom are important. We should always strive to gain knowledge and wisdom. However, we should never be so arrogant as to assume that WE are the most intelligent things in the universe. We need to remain humble and be willing to acknowledge that we do not have all the answers, we do not have all the knowledge and the wisdom. If we try to elevate ourselves to a level that clearly does not belong to us, it simply shows pride and arrogance in our own smarts and abilities.

“For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God, for it is written: “He catches the wise in their own cunning.” And again: “Jehovah knows that the reasonings of the wise men are futile.” (1^st Cor. 3:19, 20)

“At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.” (Matthew 11:25, New International Version)

So, getting back to the idea of faith. I myself have always had an inclination toward the sciences, with an unending curiosity and quest to find answers. I would consider myself to be a very intelligent person and enjoy research and study and learning the intricate processes by which things occur. But I realize not everyone is so inclined. I believe that the proof that God exists is clear to any who are genuinely seeking it, and seeking him in their lives – no matter what that person’s knowledge level may be. The realm of science and medicine and academia (in general) wants people to believe that they are the ones who have all the answers, and that if you believe in God, you are both uneducated and a fool. Yet, scientists constantly revise their own thoughts and theories about how things work, year by year, and it is always changing. Scientists and doctors and professors – the so-called “intellectual” or “wise” ones, according to our society, have not been able to cure the world of disease, get people to live peaceably with each other, or thwart every human’s ultimate foe – death, no matter how hard they try. It’s just a repetitive cycle as one generation dies and another rises up and takes its place. Paul reminds us about having faith in God, and warns us about being overly trusting of man's abilities.

“Therefore, just as you have accepted Christ Jesus the Lord, go on walking in union with him, being rooted and built up in him and being stabilized in the faith, just as you were taught, and overflowing with thanksgiving. Look out that no one takes you captive by means of the philosophy and empty deception according to human tradition, according to the elementary things of the world and not according to Christ.” (Colossians 2:6-8)

“It is better to take refuge in Jehovah
Than to trust in humans.” (Psalms 118:8)

God is timeless and unending and has created all that see and know. He was there at the beginning of it and will be there always. If you have faith, you can be assured that what he promises will undoubtedly come to pass.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? Jehovah, the Creator of the ends of the earth, is a God for all eternity. He never tires out or grows weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the tired one
And full might to those lacking strength.  Boys will tire out and grow weary,
And young men will stumble and fall,  But those hoping in Jehovah will regain power. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary;
They will walk and not tire out.” (Isaiah 40:28-31)

“And the One seated on the throne said: “Look! I am making all things new.” Also he says: “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”  And he said to me: “They have come to pass! I am the Al′pha and the O·me′ga, the beginning and the end. To anyone thirsting I will give from the spring of the water of life free.” (Revelation 21:5, 6)

“For all the things that were written beforehand were written for our instruction, so that through our endurance and through the comfort from the Scriptures we might have hope.” (Romans 15:4)

Interestingly, I saw an omega sign in the sky the other day and thought of God. For those unfamiliar, here are Alpha and Omega (first and last letter of the Greek alphabet, hence the scriptural reference to first and last.)

Here are the photos I took from my backyard. First when I noticed it and second as it started drifting away. Yes, probably made by a plane but interesting how they made the Omega sign. And yes, it reminded me to have faith.

Replacing NEGATIVE messages with POSITIVE ones in BPD/borderline

I want to discuss negative messages and positive messages when it relates to BPD, and how important these two concepts are.

All throughout life, I’ve gotten more negative messages than positive ones. The following are some of the terrible messages I actually heard from various outside sources, mostly people I loved or was close to, (occasionally by acquaintances or strangers). Some of these I heard repeatedly or over long periods of time:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re insecure.”

“You’re not special.”

“So-and-so is better than you.”

“You’re selfish.”

“You look weird.”

“You’re unattractive when you sleep.” (This is verbatim.)

“You’re too needy.”

“You’re anti-social.”

“You have no self-esteem.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re boring.”

“You’re a burden.”

“You cry too much.”

“You need plastic surgery.”

“You’re too skinny.”

“You’re a nag.”

“You’re a whore/slut/bitch.”

“You’re easy/sleazy.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You just want attention.”

“You’re doing it to yourself” (this in response to telling the person that I was depressed, while crying).

“What’s WRONG with you???”

“I hate you.”

Yes, those are all real phrases that people said, and I can remember some of the explicit events where the words hurt me so much I never forgot them (hence the ability to make this list). Others happened a lot and became just a conglomeration over time. But, these were comments occurring over the course of my whole life, not just in childhood. Some of these got reinforced so much I came to BELIEVE they were true, even in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary.

Were they true though? Of course not. I know that logically now. The people saying them were just people – people with flaws and problems of their own. I see now that often the things they said were just their own insecurities projected onto me. I didn’t know that then though. I didn’t really understand much about how the mind works or how people think.

I gave these people a measure of authority in my life though, either because they were family members or friends or lovers or teachers or people I cared for. Even when the messages came from strangers, they were painful though. No one likes to be criticized, no one likes to hear negative feedback, especially unsolicited.

Most of my life I was a quiet, conscientious girl, a helpful and caring person. I did well in school and I received many awards. I was affectionate and loving. Certainly not the type of person who would warrant such harsh words and treatment from others, which made it that much more painful to me. “I’m trying so hard…” I would think. Yet, according to people around me, it wasn’t good enough. But I didn’t know any better…I internalized it all. It BECAME true. It BECAME the reality. It BECAME who I was, and who I believed I was. I wanted to believe in the “real” person inside…that loving, sweet, gentle little girl…but how could I? I got told too often how bad I really was.

It’s safe to say, messages such as that from numerous close people are not conducive to building a proper self-model and self-esteem. Their beliefs became my beliefs. I was ugly, a worthless burden, too aggravating to live. How can a person who lives with those internal feelings NOT be depressed? What reason is there to live when those you look up to make you believe that you are nothing? It’s no surprise that those with BPD are among the highest suicide rates of any mental illness. When a highly sensitive person hears/sees/is made to believe these negative messages, it introduces a blackness, a toxin into that person’s soul that grows and grows.

We become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dogs (who were trained to salivate at the sound of a bell) or the subjects B.F. Skinner studied that became conditioned to a stimulus and reacted accordingly (look up Skinner or behaviorism if you aren’t familiar with the ideas.) Some of the behaviors associated with BPD are learned responses, not something there from birth, which is really important and worth noting.

A person who does not receive much if any positive feedback will naturally seek it out somewhere, and sometimes by any means they can for self-preservation. It can manifest in different ways. Changing appearance to be more attractive and gain positive attention, sleeping with random people in order to FEEL loved or wanted, “perfecting” our abilities so that others will not be able to hold any flaw against us, withdrawing or avoiding relationships so that others do not see the supposed flaws (those are but a few examples). None of these actions are about the other person, they are about us. But these things hurt us in the end. They don’t get us what we want. In superficial ways they may, for a very short time, but they don’t last. What we want is true understanding and caring and love. Someone to say, “You aren’t ugly, you’re beautiful,” and to sincerely mean it or “I love that you’re sensitive. That is the thing that is most precious to me.” That doesn’t make a person needy or weird to desire those things. It makes them human.

I think I would have continued on forever believing all the bad messages. But finally, I realized they were wrong. It didn’t happen overnight by any means. It took a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of outside affirmation. I will be honest. It took years to even have some modicum of self-worth. 

 

I now see the importance of positive messages, positive reinforcement and encouragement. Children respond more to “Great try, let’s make another!” than “That looks terrible, do it again.” They respond more to affirmation than punishment. But even beyond just children, all people need love, they need caring, support, warmth. When it is lacking, it causes severe mental distress and can indeed lead to mental issues later in life.

I am not “cured” of any of my mental illnesses, and I have periods of extreme depression and suicidal ideation still (in fact I have been going through hell the last few days). But after a day or 2 of feeling this way, I realize I have to get up. I remind myself why I cannot just give in, and there are so many reasons why. I can’t leave my children motherless. I can’t leave my pain behind for others. I want to contribute more to the world. I can’t let “the darkness” inside (and outside) win. And I shouldn’t listen to those voices in my head that return, or the disgusted faces I sometimes see or the insensitive incidents. I cannot allow others callous words and actions to ruin my life. I am worth much more than that - to myself, to my children, to God. No I'm not perfect. But nobody is. I am Nicole, and I am finally learning that it's OK to be me.