So in love

Things are finally smoothing out around here :) Baby Goo is 3 months old and life is looking up, in a lot of ways. Physically, I’m completely healed from my surgery and have been for awhile. We figured out our nursing troubles (mainly caused by a tongue tie that my son had, which  has now been corrected.) So no more plugged ducts, no more pain and it’s going beautifully! Loving it all the time. My original goal was to get to 6 months breastfeeding, then possibly a year. I live in a great community for breastfeeding support so now I think my goal may even be longer than a year! We’ll see where the future takes us :)

I’m working on weight loss and getting in shape and unfortunately about 6 or 8 weeks ago I tore a ligament in my knee and had to stop running after only 2 weeks into my exercise regimen! I was so disappointed. Instead I began focusing more on my diet and that is going very well. I have cut back the amount I am taking in and in the past month I have lost 5 lbs. and 1 inch off my waist. Yeah! It definitely feels good to see progress. I have 3 more lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was heavier than it should have been because of medication I was taking.) So ultimately I’d like to lose 10 more lbs. after that. I know I can do it! It isn’t always easy but I have the goal and I am determined to reach it.

The kids are doing great as well and my twins are about to start school! I can’t believe they are growing so fast. I remember when they were born, thinking 5 years was so far away but it has passed in the blink of an eye. Now with my son, I am doing things a bit differently.  I know how fast it goes and instead of lamenting the hard times I am cherishing every moment because it will be gone all too soon. I am so in love with my baby boy, I just can’t get enough of him! I think he is the cutest, sweetest baby that ever was. :) I love every little thing about him, he is so beautiful, adorable, loving, I could go on and on with glowing adjectives, in short, I am just completely enamored of him! I LOVE MY BABY GOO and he has totally changed my life, in a wonderful way.

Mentally I am also doing very well. I’ve been making big changes in my life and my anxiety level is lowest it has been in years. I realized I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and ultimately, I had to change things for them to get better. It feels so awesome to know that I’m not watching life pass me by anymore and I’m actively out there doing things and enjoying things instead of being held back by anxiety and depression. I can only assume right now I’m in “remission” (I have no idea what they call it with bipolar!) But I’ve been med free and episode free for a year now and I’m doing so great.

Life is good.

The best day of my life

Another long day, but today, it was a good one. We are finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine now that little guy is 2 months old. He generally goes to bed for the night around 8-10 PM and will sleep for a stretch of about 6 hours. A few times he has slept 7 hours. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep for me because I still have to either nurse him or pump the milk at some point. But, having him be more predictable is helping a lot. I know that by 10 PM, all 3 kids will be in bed and I at least will have a little bit of time to myself. Sometimes just to clean up, but still, it’s time to have quiet and recharge :)

Having more of a schedule and knowing what to expect is allowing me to start feeling better. It felt like pure chaos up to this point and now things are settling down and I do have some enjoyable days in there instead of feeling like I can’t face anything! I’ve also decided I need to let go of certain ideas. My house is not always going to be clean. My kids aren’t always going to get lunch at 12 noon on the dot. I’m not always going to be able to play when they ask and I’m not always going to have time to look done up and “pretty”. But you know, that’s OK. This is all a stage of life and like any stage in life, especially when it comes to kids, it only lasts a short time and then it is onto something else. Instead of spending my precious moments worrying about toothpaste on the mirror or the stove top being wiped down, I’m going to do what I can with my kids, because that is what truly matters. Are they going to remember that the laundry was washed and folded every single day or not? No. Are they going to remember if I made the time for them, and if they felt important and loved? Yes.

So now, every morning when I wake up, I have already have a mindset of what is going to happen. Before noon is kid time. I spend it nursing my son, playing with him and helping his little brain to grow. I talk with my girls at breakfast and play with them. After lunch, I can start doing more things that I “need” to do but up to that point, I’m not worrying about anything. Whatever happens happens and I’m letting it all go. It’s good for everyone and it’s nice to wake up to kids who are excited to see me instead of their replacements who are whiny and sassy because they aren’t getting any attention or mommy time.

So, today was a good day. Got up and playing with little guy while his sisters were at grandpa's. His smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, hearing him giggle and coo and reach for me. Sorted through some photos to work on some scrapbooks (when I get the time). Reminisced about the last year. My girls came home from spending the night at their grandpa’s after lunch. We all went to town and bought some paint and a storm door to brighten up the front of our house. Baby napped while we shopped, kids ran around like crazy. But it was still a nice time. I didn’t get upset, and I didn’t lose my patience. I just went with it, and we smiled and laughed and examined all the neat things that kids find in the home improvement store that look so big when you’re so little :) Came home, my husband made dinner while I nursed my babe and then the rest of us ate. No tantrums like usual, no “ordering” them to eat. They chowed down until their little bellies were full and I couldn’t have been happier. More talking and laughing and having a generally good time. My girls wanted me to go into our basement and look through some things but I had to clean up dinner first. My daughter, of her own free will, volunteered to help me so that I would have the time to come with her. Only 5, and already a tender hearted one, who loves her mama and wants to help. I melted.

We went downstairs while hubby held the baby, and I didn’t need to do much. Just watch and giggle and they were satisfied. Seeing them play with all their baby toys brought back so many memories…nearly every one of those toys has a picture to go along with it, or a specific memory from way back then. I started to tear up and felt…well, too much for words. We came up and they had dessert while I took my baby and went to nurse him and put him to bed. Holding him there in the darkened bedroom, I reflected on the events of the day and smiled. It was a good day. It doesn’t get much better than this. A thousand things went through my mind as I sat there, holding my precious little one against me so close, listening to him breathe and stroking his warm skin, soft hair. The love I felt was beyond compare. Again, I teared up. I wished I could tell him how much it all meant to me but of course a 2 month old wouldn’t understand. I laid him down but after a few minutes, he fussed. I went back, took him into my bed and nursed him some more. He clung to me as we laid side by side, his blue eyes staring up at mine, his little hand wrapped around my finger, and without words I knew he was saying he loved me, and he needed me and wanted nothing more than to feel that comfort in return. I thought my heart would explode.

Now all my kids are soundly sleeping and I’m sitting here, writing this all down, crying because I’m just so emotional. I want to remember this day, these moments, the moments that go so fast and that mean more than anything to me. These moments of love and warmth and joy and comfort…all the reasons that being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Overwhelming stress, life is getting to me

Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe not.

I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s a million at once. When it rains, it pours. 

Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.

So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again. Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could really know.

I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released” or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.

So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high. And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress. 

Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t helping anything.

I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO HARD???

I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day. I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.

New Addition!!! I'm now a mother of THREE!!!

Well, it’s official, I am now a mother of THREE. If you would have told me 10 years ago that at 30 I would have three kids I would have said NO WAY! Haha. It’s been about a month or so and in ways it still feels surreal. It’s been great, beautiful, stressful, overwhelming, difficult, amazing, and everything in between. I fell in love with my little boy the minute I saw his face and although going through the parenting thing all over again is tough, I just look at his chubby little face and I smile :) I know this time will go so fast so I am trying to enjoy every minute of every day before it is gone.

Day 1

A tiny smile!

9 Days Postpartum

Hanging with daddy

With big sissy #1

With big sissy #2

As for the birth itself, I think I said before that I was leaning more toward a natural birth and away from a c-section. I had a scheduled c-section date for about a week after my due date though, just in case, but was planning on seeing if my body would go into labor spontaneously. And that is what happened! I woke up at 4 am to feel a gush of fluid and realized my water had broken. I hadn’t actually started having contractions but knew it would be soon. Unfortunately my husband had just gotten the flu and was feeling pretty bad, and so the timing was terrible! I got up and waited for things to start happening, and within an hour they did. I had irregular contractions, 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. I was planning to labor at home as long as possible and then go to the hospital when I was close to giving birth. I wanted to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I could but unfortunately that didn’t happen! By about an hour later I was having contractions a minute or two apart that were lasting a minute or two. I knew that generally only happened when you were getting closer to the end. I got my husband up and thought maybe I should go get checked just to be safe. My mom had had easy deliveries with us kids and with me, she only felt crampy for awhile and by the time she got to the hospital, she was totally dilated and I was born less than an hour later! I thought maybe I might be another anomaly like that so we went.

The doctor checked and I was only 2 cm. dilated!!! I couldn’t believe it, and was so upset. I definitely would have stayed home longer had I known that. But the contractions didn’t stop, and it basically went on that way almost the whole labor. It was really messed up! Most women only get the bad contractions at the end…mine were the whole time :( I wanted to go med free but it was tough being hooked up to a bunch of machines and barely being able to move around. My husband was a great support though knowing what I wanted to do and keeping me encouraged. I think I handled the pain pretty well, actually! Every time the doctor checked me, every few hours, I would only have progressed a centimeter or so, despite the heavy contractions. It was ridiculous!!! Several hours in I started to get really fatigued because I had only had a couple hours sleep and had not eaten. At one point the baby’s heart rate went down and everyone rushed in as if it were a real emergency. It was scary! But his heart rate improved. The doctor gave me a shot of terbutaline to slow my contractions because she said they were too close together and baby wasn’t tolerating it. It did slow them down and allowed me to rest, which was nice, but then I stopped progressing at all. Eventually they picked up again and I was hurting, but was only about 6 cm. at that point. I had been laboring for over 12 hours with contractions a minute or two apart med free and was so exhausted. The doctor wanted to give me Pitocin to help me progress, but I didn’t want it. So I went a little longer and finally gave in and agreed to an epidural. Not because the pain was unbearable but because I was so exhausted I knew it was going to take a lot longer and I didn’t think I’d have the energy to even push the baby out by then!!! After the epidural, I felt nothing and was able to relax again and just talk and laugh with my husband. I was disappointed that I couldn’t go all natural all the way but was proud with how far I did go. 

Around 7 PM there was a shift change and the doctor I had been seeing for my OB care came on shift. I was so happy to her, someone I trusted! She said I was at 7 cm. but the contractions had slowed again and again mentioned the Pitocin. I said I wanted to hold off a bit longer. So she came back a couple hours later and pretty much said it would either be the Pitocin or I would need to have a repeat c-section, so I opted for the Pitocin. Within a minute of it being administered, baby went into distress again. Everyone rushed in and started rushing around and messing with me. His heart rate did not improve and the doctor said we needed him out now, and we went off for an emergency c-section. It all happened so quickly. Luckily I had a similar experience with my twins so although it was scary I wasn’t as worried as I was then.

By the time I got to the OR his heart rate had been down for 8 minutes and the doctor said she would have him out within 1 minute of making sure my epidural was working. Then suddenly baby’s heart rate improved. But because of the risk, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get him out. The doctor could not use the epidural for anesthesia and so I was put under general anesthesia. I went out and that was that.

When I awoke I was a new mom and my baby boy had been born. Sadly, because of the anesthesia, I only vaguely remember holding and nursing him the first time :( In all the photos I look so out of it the first couple hours!!! But the good news is, he was perfectly fine and healthy, and a whopping 8 lbs. 13 oz.!!! I couldn’t believe he was that big. No one in my family has had kids that big!!! I was just shocked. But he is the cutest little thing ever, with chubby cheeks and rolls, big lips and blue eyes :) He stole mama’s heart!!

As for recovery, it’s been up and down. In the first couple days I recovered SO much better than my first c-section!!! I was amazed. The first time, I couldn’t walk for nearly a week afterward and was using a wheelchair most of the time because of the horrendous pain. This time I was able to get out of bed and walk within hours of the surgery. I steadily did more walking every few hours and was actually able to be discharged a little early because of how well I was doing. Granted, I was on pain meds that helped, and when they wore off I was hurting something awful. But overall, the experience was better than my first and I healed better as well, at first. I did have a LOT of swelling due to the amount of IV fluids I got, and that hurt more than the incision after a few days! By about a week after surgery I was able to get out of the house and even washed my hair and put on some makeup!!! A far cry from my first c-section days where I wore pajamas for a month :( So after a couple weeks I thought I was out of the woods, however I developed plugged milk ducts in my breast (VERY painful) and that has slowly been resolving, then I developed an abscessed infection in my incision! It hurt so much I was in tears and could barely walk. Luckily I am now on antibiotics which seem to be helping and I anticipate that at the end of the 10 day course the infections should be eradicated. 

I decided to try breastfeeding and since it went well in the hospital I continued when I got home. And baby has been fed nothing but breastmilk since. I admit it is hard work and VERY time consuming, but its something I really want to do, so I am keeping at it. There is nothing like holding my baby close to me and watching his contented little face as he eats and knowing I am giving him the best possible. However that means I get sooooo little sleep and that is the hardest thing. Even though my husband has been home with me, he can only change diapers and rock the baby at times. If he was able to help feed like we did with my twins, who were formula fed, it would be soooo much easier to take turns and get more rest. :/ I’m sure part of the reason I’ve been more susceptible to these infections is because I am not resting or eating well and basically my body and immune system is run down. But I’m hanging in there! I know after another month or so, things will improve. But the early days/weeks are so tough.

My mood for the most part has been great. I have felt really happy (except for the last week and a half where I have been in massive amounts of pain, then I was actually somewhat depressed)!!! But still, I am enjoying my baby a lot. Having a family is the most beautiful thing. I am grateful for all that I have and just love this little guy so much. My kids are the world to me, I couldn’t ask for anything more.