Psychiatry & Counseling - The Great Divide

I started another post but couldn’t really address that topic without addressing this first. The divide between psychiatry and counseling, in short, needs to be bridged. Anyone who has ever spent time in the mental health system knows that it is incredibly flawed. Now, everything man made is flawed because there is no way for man to create a perfect system when we ourselves are not perfect. However, it could be vastly improved.

The separation between psychiatry and counseling goes waaaaaayyy back and is too much to get into here. Essentially, psychiatry began as a form of medical science, and counseling was an offshoot of that as more of a social science. It’s continued that way over the decades for no real reason other than tradition, and is doing a great disservice to mental health clients. Many people in the mental health system (and certainly the majority who are diagnosed with a serious mental health condition) partake in both psychiatry and counseling services (and sometimes even more services such as dealing with case workers/social workers, etc.) Yet often, there is no communication between the psychiatrists and counselors. This is a BIG problem. Psychiatrists are the ones prescribing mind altering, behavior altering psychotropic medication, yet they (for the most part) do not address “life issues”. In order to deal with your “life issues” you must turn to your counselor.

Now I’m just going to talk a little about my own personal history to make a point here.

When I was a teen I was in the mental health system for a time, and I recall then the horrible discrepancy between psychiatry and counseling. The counselor I had dealt with the “social” issues and the psychiatrist with the “biological” issues. The counselor was the one meant to help me actively work on or deal with my issues, while the psychiatrist was giving me medication to treat these issues, and I doubt they ever spoke to each other about my case. See the problem here? Biology and social factors influence each other tremendously, and a holistic view should be addressed when dealing with mental health patients. However, it seems to be one of those things that no one WILL address. Maybe because if clinicians did address it, it would be to admit the system is lacking and really does not work efficiently.

Fast forward about 10 years. If you’ve followed my blog or videos, you know that I was hospitalized in 2010 and diagnosed with bipolar (essentially self-diagnosed). There were no counseling services available while I was an inpatient (about a week stay). I met with the psychiatrist daily or every other day and he/they prescribed me medication (I saw a woman once, then a man the rest of the time). I spoke briefly with a social worker once (who was the closest I got to a counselor). I had to retell my story to about 5 different people in the system and that was mental agony in itself. Essentially, I had to wait until exiting the hospital to even begin counseling, so those 5 times I retold my story were of very little help to me anyway. As you can see, there was a whole lot of jumbled up stuff going on then.

The only real “counseling” that occurred while I was hospitalized was between patients! Some of us would sit and discuss why were there, what had brought us there, etc. (in private, on our own, not assigned.) One woman, God bless her, was on somewhere around ten psychiatric medications at the time. Was that really necessary? I doubt it. They had been prescribed by different physicians as well. A very egregious lack of communication on their part. Another woman who was there for suicidal ideation, told me that talking to me had helped her more than any treatment she had received while there. I too felt after leaving that I really had received no help, other than some hastily prescribed medication and appointments for counseling and psychiatry to begin as an outpatient upon leaving. I remember addressing the lack of counseling with some of the staff. I was told that the hospital was simply to stabilize people and get them back to their lives where they could get long term help. Yet for some reason, counseling didn't seem to be viewed as important enough to begin while an inpatient! Basically, the psychiatrists gave out diagnoses, threw medication at a person and figured that was enough to help them until they could get into some regular services. 

However, I think often, the opposite would really have been the best. SO many people were there for suicide related reasons (the vast majority). Wouldn’t it seem that they would benefit more from a counselor to discuss things with than hastily prescribed medication? If it was a persons first admission, how could a clinician possibly have enough information in one short 30-45 minute session to know A) what the diagnosis is definitively and B) what to do about it? But again, the great divide prevails. I think part of the problem is that psychiatry and meds are often viewed as a quick fix, an "easier" fix, while counseling takes time. But that is such a wrong view. Meds are not generally a quick fix, nor are they something to take lightly. In my own view, in retrospect, I'd say even with a "serious" mental condition like bipolar, I benefited FAR more from counseling than medication. Counseling (when done correctly) can help teach a person how to live better, recognize things in themselves, make changes. Psychiatry relies on "correcting" problems in the blink of eye with altering brain chemicals, many times without even educating the patient about prescribed medications or alternatives. So often medication does not correct the problems and at times only masks them (or sometimes makes them worse.) Sadly, there are no pharmacological cures for mental illness. Why? because it isn't simply our biology...it is our social world, and our environment that also play a part of the symptoms we exhibit and the way we behave. You can't "treat" biology without addressing the social and you can't understand the social without understanding the biology when it comes to the brain.

Throughout my years of outpatient service, the majority of the time, I have had a psychiatrist and a counselor who not only did not communicate but did not even work in the same building or part of town. It was very much a singular effort on their parts rather than a joint effort when dealing with patients, and that is the commonplace way of dealing with clients in the mental health system. (I’m not saying anything negative against either my psychiatrist or the main counselor I had for several years. They were both very kind people that I liked.) But nevertheless, the fact remains that I have heard countless personal stories of others who have gotten so fed up with the system, they didn’t know what to do. Sometimes they quit meds, sometimes they quit counseling, sometimes they gave up entirely. The “med-merry-go-round” as it is known, is frustrating enough for patients, then add in dealing with multiple people, for multiple different things…and UGH. Just UGH. So, in short, Psychiatrist = meds, Counselor = listening/therapy strategies.

Psychiatrists and counselors very much rely on each other yet they are completely separate. You don’t tell your psychiatrist your problems for the most part (or, if you do have a caring psychiatrist who does listen, you still hear “You should probably tell your counselor about that.”)  If you try to discuss meds in the context of counseling or personal issues, you may get some advice from your counselor but ultimately, given that they don’t prescribe medication, the answer is “Talk to your psychiatrist.” Why is this? Mainly, because psychiatrists are licensed to dispense medication and not to counsel, and counselors are licensed to provide therapy but not medication (there are some exceptions but for the most part, this is how it works.) See the problem there??? I do.

In order to function in a more complete and indeed a more beneficial manner, the mental health field needs to move away from traditional roles of psychiatrist and counselor and integrate the two into one person. Anyone dealing with anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, or anything else, should be able to see ONE person who gets to know their case and manages it as such. They would know all the details of the person’s life, all the outlying factors, internal factors. They would be able to judge whether the person even NEEDS medication (because, many times, they don’t. Medication is, I believe, overprescribed and dispensed in a flippant manner although they are serious drugs, but that is for another post.) Sometimes, all a person needs is someone to listen to them and understand, and to help them in non-pharmacological ways. I think until such an integration happens, sadly, those receiving services from the mental health field will always be getting the short end of the stick.

A month to go...baby boy almost here!

I am nearing the end now...yayyyyy.....no, not the end of life, hehe, the end of this pregnancy. It's amazing that I found out last July that I was pregnant and here it is almost March already. As I've said numerous times, I am ready for the baby to be born, even more so every week that goes by and I get even bigger! I am soooo uncomfortable, it's just awful. My twins were born 2 1/2 months premature so needless to say this is as far along as I have ever been, it's kind of weird actually. I feel enormous, it hurts to sit, lay, walk, do anything! UGH!!! Today one of my girls was looking through pics of belugas on my phone (they are obsessed with whales). She found this picture:

She showed it to me and then said "Mommy, this whale is as fat as you. Except you're fatter."
Good thing I'm not super sensitive when it comes to my kids comments...haha...I actually laughed for about 5 straight minutes (in fact, I'm laughing right now just thinking about it.) So anyways, yes, I'm feeling a bit like the beluga right now. Portly. Rotund. Oh and let's not forget pale.


I did figure out awhile back what was causing some of my fatigue, and that was me being severely anemic! So I've been on iron tablets plus some other vitamins and misc. pills. I literally take about 10 pills a day. Bleh. Good news is it's been about 2 months and my doctor says my hemoglobin levels have gone up so I will not need iron injections/transfusions (thank goodness.) That is a relief. BUT, the pills make me nauseous half the time (on top of just generally feeling sick) so I'll be glad to not have to take them anymore. I tell you pregnancy sure wreaks havoc on your body. I don't know how anyone could enjoy it!

With the time getting closer, I am waffling on the c-section decision. I am remembering how much it HURT LIKE HELL and how terrible it was. And this time my doctor is giving me the choice of c-section or VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) I'm seriously thinking of trying the VBAC. So I'm learning a lot about it, researching, talking to people, hubby and I went to a childbirth class last week and that was interesting. Learned some breathing and relaxation techniques and about what is offered at the hospital I will give birth at. So in the next couple weeks I need to get my choice narrowed down to what I want to do.

Stuff is pretty much ready for the most part. Got baby's room set up and things put away, been doing some random organizing. Still have more to do, want to get all that finished in the next couple weeks because I am already to the point where I can barely do it. Thankfully it is a joint collaboration between me and my husband with the kids pitching in here and there too.

Speaking of the kids, they are so excited about the baby. I hope that continues once they see him and realize he is a permanent fixture in the home. They do talk about him daily, and draw pictures of them holding his little hands. Aw. They tell people they are going to change his diapers and help me feed and bathe him. They call him by name. It is just really cute. I think they will be good big sisters.

So here are a couple ultrasound photos of the lil guy...first 3D U/S ever and definitely confirmed BOY PARTS. Hehe. He is an active one as well. Kicks me non-stop, so much it actually hurts :( Feels like he is shanking me with a tiny little shiv from the inside! What a nut.

So that is what's going on...misc. stuff as well of course...girls birthday is coming up around the time I am due so I am excited about that. Just hope I am not too big to enjoy it :) I love doing their birthday every year and have been looking forward to this one as usual. I'm also planning our yearly trip for the fall, and just generally looking forward to summer. Haven't given a whole lot of thought to counseling/meds/etc. lately. I did see my new counselor for the first time and she is a nice lady. But as far as all that goes I am just focusing like 95% of my energy on the baby and getting through the next month or so (well, truthfully, the next year....:P heheh.)

Big changes in store. :P

A new year, 2013, what have you in store for me?

I was up and thought I would go ahead and write a little something. I've been busy allllllll day with all kind of misc things...stuff on the computer, house cleaning, organizing, budgeting, on and on and on. So I've gotten a lot accomplished but wanted to do something not on my "to-do" list for today!

Well, I am in my third trimester of pregnancy and am getting fatter and fatter. Well not totally true...only my belly is getting bigger, the rest is staying the same. But still, I am HUGE. And I mean huge. I have no idea how I am going to get any bigger than I already am. The weird thing is I have only gained about 15 lbs. yet I am positively enormous. I am so uncomfortable all the time. I feel like all I do is complain but I can't help it! I am so ready for this baby to be out of me!!! I remember when I was pregnant with my twins, and it was a horrible experience, healthwise and I always wondered, "If I got pregnant again, would I have a good pregnancy?" Well the answer is a resounding NO!!! I feel bad because this baby will probably be born and think I had it out for him, but that is not the case, I just long to be feeling normal again! I literally have almost every pregnancy symptom in the book, and really bad too. I was really energetic for awhile there and getting a lot done, now I am just tired all the time again and want to sleep 24/7. I feel kinda crabby a lot, why, I'm not sure but I find myself getting short with people or just irritated and yelling. Poop! It stinks.

I think I am pretty much prepared for the birth, I am most likely going to have a repeat c-section. I had to have one with my twins and now I have a choice but I don't think I want to risk a natural birth only to be told at the last minute there are complications and I must have surgery anyway. So I think that is what I will do. Also, I plan on having my tubes tied and so they can do it all at once and be done with it.

So now I am getting closer (but still seem so far away) I am more into making sure everything is ready. We will have to do a big cleaning/organizing before the birth and make sure everything is set up. I feel like physically I will be ready but mentally...hmmm, who knows! My moods haven't been as good lately, maybe because I don't feel as good physically or maybe other stuff, I don't know. I did have my last visit with my counselor and was very sad. They had another lady who will become my new counselor come to meet me and now I have to set up an intake appointment with her for the end of the month. I already said it but it is going to be so weird starting over with someone new. I don't want to :( My previous counselor was a great lady and got to know me so well and I am going to miss that. At our last meeting she was telling me how she was impressed with me with all the strides I have taken since beginning counseling, and getting diagnosed and that she doesn't see many people like that. She also told me her wish for me was to keep going with education and to go on and to great things because she thought I had the brains and talent to do something important. That made me feel really good. And now I am sad she is gone.

Alas that is part of life, nothing stays the same, it must change, and be in constant flux. I am looking forward to the upcoming year of 2013 and wondering what is in store for me. I will have a new baby and be starting on a new journey. My husband asked me some of my new years resolutions, I don't really have any...but maybe I could think of some "goals". To be a good mother. To be a good wife/partner. To save money. To do something worthwhile (personally).

So, now it's a new year and I hope that things go well. I hope all is well with all of you, too. Happy 2013.

Chugging along, getting bigger and more uncomfortable!

I've been meaning to update for quite some time but have been sooooo busy!!! Life has been good, but crazy. I'm currently about 6 months pregnant and we are in the middle of the winter/holiday season now. I have a lot of appointments, and my husband has had quite a few as well, I think between us last month we had 8 appointments. Also we've been keeping a weekend schedule to make sure that we get out and do things and don't succumb to the cabin fever.

I guess the most notable things going on are that after January, I will have to get a new counselor :( I am quite sad about it, and love my counselor but she is retiring and so that is that. I'm not looking forward to starting over with a new person and telling them my whole life story...truthfully I don't think I have to will to do it. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to where I am at with my current counselor and so it just kinda sucks :( Plus, I will miss her, I think she is a great lady.

Things are going pretty well with the kids and family...no real complaints there! Looking forward to X-mas, have all the gifts bought and most of them wrapped. Seems like this winter is just flying by.

As far as the pregnancy, it is going pretty good but today I am just in a horrible mood! Probably because I have been working on a lot of projects the last few days (not fun projects, just things that need to get done) and I have total brain drain, so it makes everything worse. I just feel like super crab and everything is annoying me. I am losing patience with the whole being pregnant dealie. I know some women think it is great but I am not one of them. Not that I don't love my kids because they are the best thing in the world, but the process of being pregnant just sucks. I have no idea why God made it such a pain instead of just having us lay an egg or something :) I have the WORST ACID REFLUX of all time. It is uncomfortable to eat, even when I am not eating I burp literally 50-100 times a day. It's disgusting, probably the worst thing about the whole pregnancy. I take Tums like there is no tomorrow and I also had to start taking Zantac because it was so bad but it only helps minimally.

In addition to that, I have started getting leg cramps, something I never had with my twins. I wake up in the night in horrible pain and sometimes it even lasts the whole day or longer. BLEH WHY?!?!?

I am getting so big, I can't believe it. As I said I'm about 6 months and I feel like I am 9 months. I can't believe I have several months to go and am trying to imagine how I am going to get bigger than I already am. It's uncomfortable to walk, bend over, lay down, sit, well basically do ANYTHING.

The baby kicks me like crazy, way more than my twins did. And I swear, sometimes it actually hurts :( It is distracting when I am trying to sleep or concentrate on something. I wonder, what on earth are you doing in there???? Again, the baby is only going to get bigger and stronger so I can only imagine how bad it will be later on!!!

So, that's that. Everything "healthwise" with the baby is fine, so they say, so that is a relief. I'm pretty sure we have also decided on a name. We have most things we need for the baby so won't be rushing at the last minute. Just ready...ready to have the baby, ready to move onto the next phase of life.

Oh yeah guess I should mention my moods! They've been pretty darn good. Dare I say "normal"! I'm sure at some point that will change though, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with hormonal changes of pregnancy.

That's about all. I could probably ramble forever but gotta get to doing something important :P

HIGH, low, UP, down and in between, CrAzY BrAiN!

Oh geez, where do I begin, where do I begin??? My mind is going all over the place right now and so instead of sitting here talking to myself (like I have been doing the last 15 minutes) I decided to post here and get it all out.

I think I pretty much captured what had been going on for awhile in my last post. My counselor thought I was having a mixed episode, and because of my suicidal thoughts, she has been checking up on me every few days by phone until I get in to see her next week. And I tell you, my moods are varying extremely from day to day and minute to minute. It's BAD. I don't know if it is a mixed episode or if now I am just rapid cycling, or maybe was all along? It's so f*^#ing confusing! AGHHHHHHHH!!!!

So a couple weeks ago, I remember going to a baseball game with my family. I was all done up, in a good mood. During the game, something happened that turned my mood somewhat sour. So I'm sitting there, "watching" the game (but not really paying attention) my mind being somewhere else. During this time I overhear my dad talking to a friend of his, the poor man has had a heart transplant and now needs a kidney transplant. I felt so bad for him. My mind got to racing with thoughts of "Why can't I just give him my kidney? I have 2...I don't need both...I could get tested and see if I'm a match...that would be such a great thing to do..." Hours later on the way home I told my husband some of my thoughts of organ donation. He said "You're probably having an episode...you need to wait a month or so and see how you feel then." I kind of thought, yeah, ok, whatever. I knew in my rational brain it made sense but didn't deter me from wanting to do it. I sat around thinking about it all for the next 2 days.

But anyways, back to what I was saying...I'm in one of those moods where I could just talk (type?) forever...hehehe...I have so much to say you see!!! Anyways, yes, so we got home and my mood was turning more and more sour and there was conflict in the house and I said I needed to get out. I went walking and was literally thinking of killing myself. I walked and walked, late at night, weighing the options...1) go home and overdose 2) call a friend and try to talk myself OUT of overdosing 3) tell my husband to take me to the hospital so I DON'T overdose...I didn't know what to do, I was so confused and really wanting to do myself in. So I went home, told my husband he may need to take me to the hospital. It was BAD for it to get to that point that I was telling him this, seriously on the verge of checking myself in. Oh yeah, I was drinking too. He said we would go for a drive, and we did, and afterward I felt a bit better. I knew I would be alright through the night and if I still was suicidal in the morning, I'd go to the ER.

But in the morning, I didn't feel suicidal. I was depressed but not as bad. That evening we all went 4wheeling and I was pondering it all and thinking, "Why was I suicidal? How stupid." It seemed absolutely ridiculous to me.

So since then I have been having a hell of a time! Trying to stay on some kind of stable path, but I dunno what to expect from day to day. I alternate, depressed, happy, depressed, happy, depressed, super happy, depressed, irritated, and so on and so on and so on...

One day last weekend we went out river boating and I remember sitting there being almost outside my body, it was so strange. I again was thinking morbid thoughts, of how I was a broken, defective person, how all was futile because nothing would ever change, how I knew I was destined to die by my own hand before the time I reach 40 years old, and I was DAMN SURE of it all. I didn't talk to my family and didn't engage them. I just sat there, not noticing anything around me.

Then I go back up again...and I come down again...

Then a couple days ago I was back to working on projects...I cleaned my house and I mean SCOURED it. I cleaned and washed my washing machine and dryer for God's sake. I washed my blinds. Stuff I NEVER do (well, let's face it, I hardly clean anything besides the dishes on a regular basis). I spent ALL DAY cleaning from the time I got up til about 3:30 PM. And it still wasn't completely finished but I had other things to do. Took the kids for a bike ride, made dinner, played outside in the sun with them. Then I made a scrapbook, and was up later drinking and working on it. I did get it finished though :)

And yesterday I felt so good, so happy, I was all done up, wearing some of my new clothes that I drunkenly/manically spent all that money on, styled up my hair (that I just paid $200 to have trimmed and highlighted) and went to town to run errands with my girls. Let me tell you, I was in my own f@#^ing world!!! I pushed the cart around with my brain going all over, splintering out in a million directions. I don't think I even noticed where I was pushing it. Luckily I only needed 1 thing in there and I got it and got out. I was so distracted (by what? I couldn't tell you) I was completely driving on autopilot, I don't think I was even looking at the road. It's a good thing I have driven that road a million times or I would have wrecked. I vaguely remember staring out at dots on the horizon, or following the edge of the trees with my eyes. I felt really batty. So we stopped one more place and went home. Then last night I was watching a movie and in some scenes I felt so overcome with intense emotion...I mean, it wasn't even a good movie, it was a terrible movie! But I remember a scene of the blue sky reducing me to tears, I just couldn't bear the beauty of it. And I gasped and held myself tight and floated away. I started thinking of just running away somewhere, me and my husband taking a random trip, just going, going, gone...

And tonight I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours looking up vacation information. What the heck am I doing?!?! We're going on vacation in 2 months. But I want to go NOW dammit, NOW! I looked through the Carnival Cruise site (we went on a cruise before and had a good time) and I'm like, it would be so easy, just book it and next week we could be on a plane and whisking away to some white sand beach, ahhhh, it would be wonderful...(now, this isn't the first time something like this happened...years ago before I was diagnosed, I did the same thing with my friend, I needed to GET AWAY and would have gone immediately had she not needed to save up cash, but we did go - not as soon as I wanted - but it was an awesome, albeit very impulsive, trip...) anyhow I digress again, I feel so excited at the prospect of going on this damn cruise, hahahaha. I know we don't have the money to go especially after my husband and I collectively blew through $3000 more than usual on our credit card last month....ahhhh f@#$.

So yeah that's where I am...I don't think it helps that I am drinking every night or every other night. I find myself waking up having memory lapses and not remembering parts of conversations, emails, movies, things I did the night before. The worst thing is it happens even when I don't drink! Even on sober days I wake up feeling like there are pieces missing and I don't know why or where they went. I find that this entire last month or month and a half is a jumble, because I am finding it hard to put things in chronological order. There are pieces of this and that, and what? who? when did I do that? What did I do? I don't know...hmmm...well...it must have been this! It sucks. I don't know if it's all my fault or only partially my fault.

I have been taking my meds though. LOW dose, 2.5 mg of Zyprexa. Needless to say I will probably have to increase. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Well, hmmm, it should be an interesting visit :P

Oh yeah and I just noticed, IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!!

*NOTE: It's 2 years later, and I have since been diagnosed with borderline in addition to bipolar. I can clearly see the BPD symptoms interspersed with the manic symptoms I was having reading this back. The happiness, impulsiveness, distraction = bipolar. The confusion, dissociation, suicidal ideation = BPD (or, I should say, bipolar and BPD as they are currently known/classified). Should be interesting to see a couple years from now, how much more I will have learned and come to understand about all these various mental states I experience.

Mixed Episode...a confusing bag of symptoms (updated with BPD commentary)

So today I saw my counselor, and she thinks I'm having a mixed episode right now. It's strange how sometimes we can be doing things but not even completely realize it until someone else points it out. I have known for awhile that I have been feeling depressed off and on. And by off and on I mean I'll be down for a day or two, then it passes. Some of it is situational depression, maybe most of it. But regardless the depression is there. She asked if I had been having suicidal thoughts...I said yes. In the past it used to take quite a bit for me to become suicidal, usually a LONG depression that I just couldn't see any way out of. Now, since my first full blown manic episode 2 years ago, it seems that the way my illness manifests itself has changed. I can be depressed for as little as a day and yet become extremely suicidal. That's how I've been the past month. I'll have a couple days where I feel fine and the next day, BAM...I'm ruminating on ways to do myself in, telling myself my family would be better off without me and that the only escape from my situation is to die. I'm not at the point of actually trying to follow through on these thoughts though, so that is good.

So then we got to talking about other stuff that has been going on and I realized that I have been having manic symptoms as well. I guess I didn't recognize what's been happening because generally, my hypomania/mania starts off as being happy/hyper and having racing thoughts. I haven't really felt that way, but I do have a bunch of the other manic symptoms: lack of sleep, excessive energy, impulsiveness, distractability.Add to that that I have been drinking nearly every night (mainly due to stress and the need to relax and forget about my problems.) But I'm sure it's not helping the situation.

So let me just describe what exactly has been happening, symptom-wise:

*Depression/suicidal thoughts (already talked about that one)

*Lack of sleep: I have been staying up til the wee hours, usually at least 3 am or later, and getting up in the mornings at 8 or 9 with my kids. I need about 10 hours of sleep usually so getting 5 hours of sleep or less is not good for me, personally. One night last week I did not go to sleep at all. I stayed up working on stuff. I felt a little tired the next morning but it passed. Then that afternoon/evening I felt fine, like I could go a whole night again without sleep. But I didn't. I made myself go to bed that night.

*Excessive energy: This time, this energy has come in the form of working on projects. I simply feel that I MUST be working on something. It does not matter what it is. The night I didn't sleep I was working on several big projects...finishing a scrapbook for my kids, sorting our photos in chronological order to make photo albums, sorting files on the computer. I have been obsessed with organizing. I made my husband help me clean the house all day last Monday. Besides what I just mentioned I've been working on outdoor projects for the house, doing a bunch more cooking and cleaning than usual (I admit I don't do either regularly in my normal state), planning outings (we went camping last weekend and before that we did a scavenger hunt for our kids), and shopping. Which leads me to my next item.

*Impulsiveness: Let me tell you, I have been spending money like crazy. All of this has been going on at least 3 weeks or a month now and I didn't even really see how crazy my spending has been until today. Basically every time I have gone into a store (which has been a lot this past month) I have bought stuff. Generally I am very good about spending because I budget our money and pay the bills so I know how much I can spend and on what. It's like all that went out the window. I'd buy stuff that we needed (but were limiting, since we couldn't afford it all at once), stuff that we wanted but were "luxury" items (like an outdoor fountain for $119) or sometimes just random things!!! I kept telling my husband, "I spent a lot of money today, I'd better stop" but the next time would roll around and it went out the window and I'd find something else I had to have. It all culminated last night when I spent almost $400 on clothes and shoes at 3 stores online. YIKES. I woke up this morning saying WTF did I do? So just now I totaled up how much I've spent in the past 3 weeks. On stuff for the house (flowers, pots, soil, a bench, a fountain, brick pavers for a garden pathway) $883. On miscellaneous items for myself/my kids (clothes, craft items, other stuff) $862. Granted, some of that stuff we needed, but did we need it all RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Probably not. Oh yeah and I bought a new computer. $464 there!

*Distractability:Mainly when dealing with other people. I at times find it extremely hard to listen to people, because I just can't concentrate on what they are saying. I find my brain going off on a million other paths and trying to focus on just one thing can be hard. Even now I am finding it difficult to write this and follow a coherent train of thought. It's like I have the energy to get things done but right now, I can't focus on anything long enough to do it!

*Appearance: Almost forgot to mention this. Both my counselor and my psychiatrist have told me in the past that they can tell when I am becoming manic because my appearance changes. I go from my regular casual wear with no makeup and glasses (why get done up to go to the doctor?) to wearing lots of makeup and dressier clothes. That's how I was dressed today, and I thought back and realized I have been dressing up quite a bit the last few weeks...putting a lot more effort into my looks than usual.

So anyways that is what is up. Now that I am aware of this I am going to have to keep an eye on it til my psychiatrist visit in a week or two. My counselor is a bit worried because she says being in a mixed state puts you at high risk, because you have suicidal thoughts and the will and energy to actually carry them out, which is dangerous. So she is going to check on me after the weekend and make sure things are going alright for now. I know that I can always call someone for help though, there are plenty of resources available to me. Anyways I am rambling. And it is 3 am. I better hit the sack for tonight.

*NOTE: It's been 2 years since I posted this, and I had to come back and re-read it in light of my current knowledge, knowing that people still read these older posts. I now looking back can see a lot of borderline related aspects happening during this episode. I think I was indeed manic but that it had BPD depressive symptoms mixed in. My manic symptoms many times seem to come on spontaneously, as in, I will simply wake up that way one day, whereas BPD symptoms are directly related to triggers or outside sources (disagreements, high stress level that day, etc.) Totally explains the random suicidal ideation in the midst of the mania. I'm glad I figured out more fully what was going on with me! Makes a lot more sense in retrospect.

Back on Zyprexa for my kids, my family and myself

It's been about a month since I've posted anything bipolar related. I should have posted awhile ago but I've been busy with summer projects and what not, and truthfully haven't given much thought to blogging/vlogging.

Anyways I thought I would update this to let you all know I am back on medication again. I've gone back to Zyprexa, I'm currently on 2.5 mg. I think it's been maybe a month? I forget exactly, but something like that. My anxiety and mental turmoil was just consuming me and in the last month or so I've seen both my counselor and psychiatrist 3 times each (MUCH more than my normal once a month or once every 2 months). I was just having such a hard time coping and so ultimately I decided to go back on medication because I know it did help me before and thought it would this time as well.

I'm feeling a lot better. In my experience, anti-psychotic meds work very quickly to alleviate symptoms. I'd say within a week of starting back on it I was feeling more in control of things, the anxiety has nearly disappeared (well, I still have SOME anxiety, but more what I would consider normal anxiety, not the kind that plagues me 24/7 and makes me physically ill). So I know it was the right choice.

Ultimately, my choice to go back on medication was something I thought a lot about. And one of the biggest factors was thinking about my children. When they were small, they didn't notice things. Now they are 4 years old, and they do notice things. If I am crazy and bouncing off the walls, if I am depressed and withdrawn or angry and irritable, they pick those things up right away. I didn't want to be that unstable mother...I didn't want to negatively impact their lives. I didn't want to be the mother whose children have to take care of her, sleeping late, crying, wishing I was dead. I don't want them to see those things and be scarred by them. I owe them more than that. I owe them the best I can give them, and in order to be a stable person, and be the best mother I can be, I need to be on medication. It's as simple as that. Granted, I will always have bipolar, but with meds, I can help regulate the imbalance rather than just letting myself go up and down constantly and not do anything about it. I don't want my kids to grow up and look back and think "My mom had this illness, and she did nothing about it." No. I do not want that for my kids. So I'm doing what I can. I know it isn't just about me...the way I behave when I am manic or depressed affects other people around me, people I care about. Is it really fair to expect everyone to deal with my craziness? Yes, it is great to have support, and everyone needs it. But I can't just give myself over to this illness, this curse. I have to be proactive. So that is what I am doing.

It's going to be a busy summer...lots of house projects underway...several fences, a deck, some landscaping...it's going to be hard work but it always feels so good to have accomplished something.

Doing well...finally in my house!

Hi everyone...

Sorry it's taken me soooo long to update. I dunno what my problem has been. I guess I've just been busy taking care of my kids while my husband has been away. He returned from tech school this week so we have been even crazy busier than before! We are still in the process of moving in now and it is definitely a chore, but totally worthwhile. I am so excited to finally be in our own place. We have a lot of little projects (and some big projects) to work on so we will be busy all through this (short) summer.

Anyhow I am still stable and still on Zyprexa. I saw my therapist a few weeks ago and I am doing so well she doesn't need to see me for another couple of months. That, I am happy about. I also went to see my psychiatrist and she had me do labs to make sure I am not developing a "metabolic syndrome" that can happen with Zyprexa and my labs are all good. We decided to keep me on the Zyprexa after all. She wasn't concerned with the weight gain since it hasn't been excessive. I gained about 20-25 lbs initially and have lost some of that again, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself again. The weight gain isn't bothering me as much as it first did.

My anxiety is pretty much gone. It's strange how at times it can be so incapacitating I can hardly leave the house and at other times it is completely non-existent. I am just glad to be doing better.

That's about all that is noteworthy at the time. I am just enjoying life...I have stopped drinking excessively, although I do still drink socially. It's not as bad as it was at all though. Also, I quit smoking as of about 5 days ago so I am proud of that, and I am doing well. It's funny how when smoking, you tend to get in situations that will tempt you to smoke but when you aren't in those situations anymore the temptation is nearly gone. Since being in this new house and having a new routine I have not craved cigarettes at all. And I'm glad!!!


Thanks to everyone who is checking in on me to make sure I'm still kicking. :) I'll try my best to be better at keeping up this blog, I'm better at keeping up on my video blog on youtube. Check me out there if you're interested.

Homeowners

Well, it's official, my husband and I are now homeowners! It's pretty exciting, this is our first home and we are really looking forward to the whole experience. I've always lived either with relatives or in rentals so I can't wait to finally move in to this house. We've been slowly setting things up, we painted the entire house because the previous owners had hideous taste in colors and we changed them to more neutral, common colors, with the exception of my daughters' rooms which are light pink and light purple. Anyways, my husband who is in the Air Guard is going off to tech school for the next few weeks so we won't actually be moving in until he returns. I'm anxious for him to return and to finally start living our life. Although we are so grateful my dad has let us live here and save money for our downpayment on our home.

Anyway, as far as my illness I am still stable, trying not to drink as much. I started smoking again sporadically and I am really hoping to quit for good once my hubby gets back. I am so disappointed in myself for smoking at all...I feel so weak and pathetic for not being able to stay off them. However my counselor was telling me how different behaviors burn new neural pathways in the brain and by repeating those behaviors we reinforce those pathways, hence, why it is so easy to relapse when you smoke or drink or do drugs. So it's sucky - I wish I had never started smoking to begin with and I wouldn't be in this boat!

I still haven't seen my therapist or psychiatrist. I had to reschedule my appointments so I still have another 2 weeks to go. I am still thinking I'm going to get off the Zyprexa and hopefully try Geodon. At least, that's my plan as of now.

Going on my 6th med, lottttttttttttts of side effects

The weather here has been absolutely crazy. We went from 30 degrees and freezing rain last week (everything was closed and no one went to work for a few days because of hazardous conditions) to -30 degrees today. Oh my gosh….it’s COLD. Funny how when winter ends, we forget about how awful it was until it rolls around. I’m really hoping that this time next year, we’ll be moving to a warmer climate again.

As far as my mental state, I’m going on my 6^th, that’s right SIXTH med trial since my hospitalization. Ugh…I’m so worn out and frustrated. Not much seems to work and even if it does the side effects wind up being unbearable. My most recent med was Abilify, which I thought was working…well, then I started getting anxious, insomnia and this awful restless, jittery feeling like I could not sit still and wanted to crawl out of my skin. My counselor and psychiatrist told me it’s a phenomenon called “akathisia.” And it happens frequently on Abilify. Greeeeeeaaaat. Add to that the side effects I’ve had from Risperdal and I haven’t been doing too hot. So today at my appointment, my doc told me to go cold turkey. BYE-BYE ABILIFY! BYE-BYE RISPERDAL!

We’re going to go a week or so and then start me on a new med, Zyprexa. Risperdal, Abilify and Zyprexa are all in the “anti-psychotic” class of medication.

As a quick side note that is strange yet interesting and kind of gets me wondering, is that there are two classes of meds for bipolar “anti-psychotic” meds and “mood stabilizing” meds. The only psychiatric condition mood stabilizers treat, that I’m aware of, is bipolar. Anti-psychotics on the other hand, treat bipolar, schizophrenia, and schizoaffective disorder. I queried my counselor about why I keep taking the anti-psychotic type of meds rather than mood stabilizers, and she told me that it isn’t uncommon for people who have bipolar with “schizophrenic features” to be treated in such a way. It has made me think even more about the link between schizophrenia and bipolar, and it’s definitely an area I will be doing more research. The fact that I respond more to anti-psychotic meds than mood stabilizing meds leads me to believe that schizophrenia and bipolar do indeed lie on a continuum and that people have varying degrees of illness and can have multiple overlapping symptoms.

Anyways, Zyprexa is next. I hope that it works but deep down I’m worried that I will have negative side effects like every other med. So far, the list of what I’ve tried, in order, is as follows:

Lamictal – no side effects, but also did nothing and didn’t prevent me from becoming manic again

Risperdal – made me start lactating (ew), increased emotional blunting and feelings of ambivalence, lack of sexual desire, foggy confused sensation

Seroquel – paranoid psychotic/suicidal reaction

Lithium – nausea, vomiting, unbearable headache, shakiness, lethargy, muscle aches

Abilify – akathisia, anxiety, insomnia

As you can see, it hasn’t been a fun 7 months. But I’m trying to stay positive.

Need to address buried issues

So I’ve been charting my moods again. I started doing this after I got out of the hospital but fell off the wagon because it’s one of those things you just forget to do. Well I’m back at it again at the suggestion of my psychiatrist and I’ve noticed that in general, over the past 2 weeks my mood has improved from severe depression to mild depression and even up to normal on some days. So I was thinking “Wow, this just keeps getting better!” And then I go and have a day like today. Ugh.

I’m feeling down today for personal reasons I don’t really want to get into. But all  of this has brought a lot of things to mind that I think I need to discuss with my counselor. As you know from my sidebar, I vlog on YouTube about living with bipolar, and I also watch others vids on bipolar and other issues that are pertinent to me, mainly other mental health topics. Anyhow, I was watching tonight and some videos really hit home to me and made me realize there is still a lot that is buried that I have not discussed with anyone. There are some things that I have basically kept to myself and tried to deal with, thinking it was something I could change or that I was just being weak. But now, I’m beginning to wonder if some of these issues stem from other emotional issues/areas and not from environmental factors like I’ve been believing. If that is indeed the case, there may be ways I can work on these issues instead of trying to muddle through with all these feelings and live with them by changing all the physical things around me.

Still trying to make sense of bipolar diagnosis - want to go back to life as it was

A brief update – went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. I told her what was going on and she said she wasn’t sure if I was rapid cycling or not. I guess only time will tell. She didn’t really agree with my counselor about the mixed state, she said that she thought it was a part of the mania I’ve recently been experiencing. Ugh. Who knows! Just one more confusing thing. It’s like, where does one thing stop and another begin? There is no line of demarcation. It’s all miscellaneous criteria that is written down in a manual by people who do not experience these things and therefore, how much could they really know? Maybe it really doesn’t mean anything at all. Again, who knows. I could go back and forth all day.

She agreed that my meds probably were not working well and that I should go back on the anti-psychotic meds…I can’t go back to Risperdal, although it worked well, because of side effects. So now, starting today I am trying Seroquel. It’s supposed to be sedating, just like Risperdal. We’ll see if I can handle it or if it makes a difference.

As you can tell I’ve started video blogging too, I’m digging watching other people’s stuff on YouTube also. It’s so helpful to know others are out there experiencing the same stuff. And knowing others can relate to my situation also feels good…I know I’m not totally alone.

I’m not sure when the next time I’ll post will be. In a way all this talking is helping me but in other ways I feel like I’m going around in a circle. I talk to my psychiatrist, my counselor, people around me, then there are my own thoughts to contend with…it tends to add to the confusion rather than simplify. I’ve been having a lot of conflicting thoughts today, one being that I feel the diagnosis of bipolar is really starting to define me, and I don’t want that. I had a lot of “normalcy” in my life before about a year ago…it wasn’t like I was in a perpetual state of confusion and flux. I want to go back to that. I wouldn’t have even gotten treatment had it not been for my spiral out of control. I always dealt with things myself, and that’s pretty much what I want to do again, just take things out of other peoples hands and put them back into my own.

I get so caught up in going to doctors every week or two that it doesn’t help much…in fact I feel like I’m talking so much I’m only making myself worse! Everyone tells you “monitor your moods” and “pay attention to warning signs” and all this other stuff, and it’s sort of like, you have to be on constant guard and I don’t like it. I mean really, what’s the deal with being a little “up” or a little “down”? I think that unless I’m so up that I’m literally “off the map” as my psychiatrist says, or so depressed I want to kill myself, that I should just forget about everything else and go about my life. A part of me doesn’t even want to keep taking meds. I want to just remove this label of bipolar and return to the time when I was contently ignorant. I want to return to my life as I knew it. Ahhhhh…I could go on forever. But I won’t :)

My current "Mixed state"

So I noticed every time I post in this blog it formats differently. I’m not sure why but it’s bugging me. Plus I really don’t want to put the effort into fixing it. Oh well, I’m sure the like, 2 or 3 people reading this blog can deal with it for now, LOL.

I’m still in my funk. When I went to see my counselor she could tell I was feeling weird because the way I looked and my demeanor was different than usual. We talked about a lot of stuff, and she said she thought maybe I was in a mixed state. I knew a little about mixed states but not that much. Basically a mixed state is a combination of mania and depression. Sounds like a contradiction I know, but after doing some research on it, it makes sense to me, and I think she is right. In fact looking at my past several years I think I’ve been in this state a lot without realizing it, maybe not to this degree but still.

It’s weird because when you’re depressed obviously you feel like crap. And when you’re manic you feel great. But in a mixed state you’re mood is basically irritable. My counselor said most people who experience a mixed state say there is nothing good about it and that it is the worst state to be in.

So here is what the book “Decoding Bipolar Bisorder” by Dr’s. Suppes, Manning and Keck says about mixed states. The symptoms include:

*Racing thoughts that often inhibit the initiation of sleep

*Noticeably increased activity usually present well into the early morning hours

*Dismally low spirits or an emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease while having a “short-fuse” temper

*Genuine expressions of suffering while maintaining a melodramic demeanor

*Grandiose mood, often manifested toward others in demanding tones with insistence that others serve the agenda of the patient

*Severe agitation

*Sexual excitement

*Suicidal thoughts

As you can see this is quite a mixed bag of symptoms, some seemingly contradictory but existing simultaneously. I’d say I’m experiencing the majority of that, I’m not suicidal though. So this is a really weird funk to be in.

Anyhow, even within all of this it kinda fluctuates from day to day. My counselor said a lot of people in mixed states say they feel depressed or anxious but at the same time have tons of energy to do things. I do kinda feel like I am bouncing all over that place or just want to do everything right now. It’s just like a nervous sort of energy, like when you absently tap your foot over and over and over.

Then, yesterday I had so many thoughts I literally wanted to shoot myself in the head to make it go away. It’s an icky feeling, and it became so bad it actually gave me a headache and made me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is. I wanted a woodpecker to just peck a hole in the side of my skull and let all the pressure out. I felt like I was dying. Also I feel so anxious all the time, and agitated just like the description of mixed states. My heart is racing constantly and it’s like I’m gonna have a heart attack or something. I just want to pace around and move and do something to release this all. I kinda want a cigarette but I quit about a month ago. Tim and I have this bet going that if I can stay off them til the new year he is going to buy me a professional camera to start taking pics. Right now I just do it as a hobby with my crappy digital. But I’m always taking pics of stuff. Anyways I’m determined to win and not give in this time.

So yeah, that’s me right now, I dunno how long this will last. Today my husband walked by me and said “Scrub.” Haha. I don’t think he’s digging my current fashion statement. I know he was quasi-joking. Normally I’d get pissed about something like that but today it made me laugh.

We’ve been busy all morning which is good. I think I’d go crazy if I just had to sit around here all afternoon.

Date with my counselor

So, I'm super tired right now but I have to stay up and watch this movie I got from netflix so I can return it in the morning. Haha...it's been quite awhile since I've stayed up past midnight. I used to stay up til 2 or 3 every night. I've always been a night person, I'm guessing a lot of bipolar people are. Although that's not really a good thing considering lack of sleep tends to precipitate mania, or so I've been told by the professionals, and read in some books. So I  know it's better for me to sleep at a decent hour now. For awhile I was on Risperdal and it totally knocked me out like an hour after taking it, so I couldn't even stay up if I wanted to. It's funny how in a way I know a lot about bipolar, but now it's so much more personal so I'm definately learning all there is to know about it. I do think there is a lot of conflicting information out there though, which makes it a little tough.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor. She is great. I like her very much. Growing up I used to want to be a counselor, because I always had an intuitive way of knowing what people were experiencing and being able to sympathize and give advice to people. I figured I'd be a good counselor. Sometimes I still think about it. I'm a bit late in the game now though, at 28, and only 1/2 way through college...we'll see...I change my mind a lot on things like this :)

Anyhow, it's hard to believe I've been seeing her for about half a year now...time flies. Although I'm only seeing her once a month now so that's probably why it seems that way. The last visit she brought up a bipolar support group, which we don't have in my community. She had mentioned it at several visits, saying she had thought of starting one. So she asked if I'd seriously be interested in going if she headed one and I said yes, Then it got her brain rolling and she started talking about other patients and seeing if she could work it all out to make it a reality. It was pretty exciting. I really would like for this to happen, to be able to meet others like me. Truthfully, I've never met anyone else with bipolar, though when I was in the hospital I did meet a lot of other interesting people. Most of them were there with depression or suicidal thoughts though. The man I connected with most, let's call him Aaron (not his real name) had schizophrenia and at first I admit I was freaked out by him. But by the time I left I had this weird bond with him that I will always carry with me. That's a story for another time though. It's just strange how in my whole life, I've never really felt that sort of connection with anyone, and over a mere 5 days he impacted my life forever.

I think it's going to be a short week. Tomorrow is already Thursday. Winter is coming...ugh. I'm not looking forward to it...LOL...this summer has gone by entirely too fast.

Only the beginning...

Well here I go...my first official post to my blog. Truthfully, it was my counselor who gave me the idea. We were talking one day about how, although I have supportive people in my life, they just don't seem to understand what I really go through, and so I turn to writing to purge myself of my complicated thoughts and feelings about it all. She suggested I blog about my experiences; about bipolar in general. She thought I'd be a good advocate for others like myself. I don't know about that much, but I do know that starting this blog was a good idea, and it should be interesting to see how it progresses over time.