I want to discuss negative messages and positive messages
when it relates to BPD, and how important these two concepts are.
All throughout life, I’ve gotten more negative messages than
positive ones. The following are some of the terrible messages I actually heard
from various outside sources, mostly people I loved or was close to,
(occasionally by acquaintances or strangers). Some of these I heard repeatedly
or over long periods of time:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re insecure.”
“You’re not special.”
“So-and-so is better than you.”
“You’re selfish.”
“You look weird.”
“You’re unattractive when you sleep.” (This is verbatim.)
“You’re too needy.”
“You’re anti-social.”
“You have no self-esteem.”
“You’re bossy.”
“You’re boring.”
“You’re a burden.”
“You cry too much.”
“You need plastic surgery.”
“You’re too skinny.”
“You’re a nag.”
“You’re a whore/slut/bitch.”
“You’re easy/sleazy.”
“You’re a horrible person.”
“You’re crazy.”
“You just want attention.”
“You’re doing it to yourself” (this in response to telling
the person that I was depressed, while crying).
“What’s WRONG with you???”
“I hate you.”
Yes, those are all real phrases that people said, and I can
remember some of the explicit events where the words hurt me so much I never
forgot them (hence the ability to make this list). Others happened a lot and
became just a conglomeration over time. But, these were comments occurring over
the course of my whole life, not just in childhood. Some of these got
reinforced so much I came to BELIEVE they were true, even in the face of
obvious evidence to the contrary.
Were they true though? Of course not. I know that logically
now. The people saying them were just people – people with flaws and problems
of their own. I see now that often the things they said were just their own
insecurities projected onto me. I didn’t know that then though. I didn’t really
understand much about how the mind works or how people think.
I gave these people a measure of authority in my life though,
either because they were family members or friends or lovers or teachers or people
I cared for. Even when the messages came from strangers, they were painful
though. No one likes to be criticized, no one likes to hear negative feedback,
especially unsolicited.
Most of my life I was a quiet, conscientious girl, a helpful
and caring person. I did well in school and I received many awards. I was
affectionate and loving. Certainly not the type of person who would warrant
such harsh words and treatment from others, which made it that much more
painful to me. “I’m trying so hard…” I would think. Yet, according to people
around me, it wasn’t good enough. But I didn’t know any better…I internalized
it all. It BECAME true. It BECAME the reality. It BECAME who I was, and who I
believed I was. I wanted to believe in the “real” person inside…that loving,
sweet, gentle little girl…but how could I? I got told too often how bad I
really was.
It’s safe to say, messages such as that from numerous close
people are not conducive to building a proper self-model and self-esteem. Their
beliefs became my beliefs. I was ugly, a worthless burden, too aggravating to
live. How can a person who lives with those internal feelings NOT be depressed?
What reason is there to live when those you look up to make you believe that
you are nothing? It’s no surprise that those with BPD are among the highest
suicide rates of any mental illness. When a highly sensitive person
hears/sees/is made to believe these negative messages, it introduces a
blackness, a toxin into that person’s soul that grows and grows.
We become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dogs (who were trained
to salivate at the sound of a bell) or the subjects B.F. Skinner studied that
became conditioned to a stimulus and reacted accordingly (look up Skinner or
behaviorism if you aren’t familiar with the ideas.) Some of the behaviors
associated with BPD are learned responses, not something there from birth,
which is really important and worth noting.
A person who does not receive much if any positive feedback will
naturally seek it out somewhere, and sometimes by any means they can for self-preservation.
It can manifest in different ways. Changing appearance to be more attractive
and gain positive attention, sleeping with random people in order to FEEL loved
or wanted, “perfecting” our abilities so that others will not be able to hold
any flaw against us, withdrawing or avoiding relationships so that others do
not see the supposed flaws (those are but a few examples). None of these
actions are about the other person, they are about us. But these things hurt us
in the end. They don’t get us what we want. In superficial ways they may, for a
very short time, but they don’t last. What we want is true understanding and
caring and love. Someone to say, “You aren’t ugly, you’re beautiful,” and to
sincerely mean it or “I love that you’re sensitive. That is the thing that is
most precious to me.” That doesn’t make a person needy or weird to desire those
things. It makes them human.
I think I would have continued on forever believing all the
bad messages. But finally, I realized they were wrong. It didn’t happen
overnight by any means. It took a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of
outside affirmation. I will be honest. It took years to even have some modicum
of self-worth.
I now see the importance of positive messages, positive
reinforcement and encouragement. Children respond more to “Great try, let’s
make another!” than “That looks terrible, do it again.” They respond more to
affirmation than punishment. But even beyond just children, all people need
love, they need caring, support, warmth. When it is lacking, it causes severe
mental distress and can indeed lead to mental issues later in life.
I am not “cured” of any of my mental illnesses, and I have
periods of extreme depression and suicidal ideation still (in fact I have been
going through hell the last few days). But after a day or 2 of feeling this
way, I realize I have to get up. I remind myself why I cannot just give in, and
there are so many reasons why. I can’t leave my children motherless. I can’t
leave my pain behind for others. I want to contribute more to the world. I can’t
let “the darkness” inside (and outside) win. And I shouldn’t listen to those
voices in my head that return, or the disgusted faces I sometimes see or the
insensitive incidents. I cannot allow others callous words and actions to ruin
my life. I am worth much more than that - to myself, to my children, to God. No I'm not perfect. But nobody is. I am Nicole, and I am finally learning that it's OK to be me.
