Need to address buried issues

So I’ve been charting my moods again. I started doing this after I got out of the hospital but fell off the wagon because it’s one of those things you just forget to do. Well I’m back at it again at the suggestion of my psychiatrist and I’ve noticed that in general, over the past 2 weeks my mood has improved from severe depression to mild depression and even up to normal on some days. So I was thinking “Wow, this just keeps getting better!” And then I go and have a day like today. Ugh.

I’m feeling down today for personal reasons I don’t really want to get into. But all  of this has brought a lot of things to mind that I think I need to discuss with my counselor. As you know from my sidebar, I vlog on YouTube about living with bipolar, and I also watch others vids on bipolar and other issues that are pertinent to me, mainly other mental health topics. Anyhow, I was watching tonight and some videos really hit home to me and made me realize there is still a lot that is buried that I have not discussed with anyone. There are some things that I have basically kept to myself and tried to deal with, thinking it was something I could change or that I was just being weak. But now, I’m beginning to wonder if some of these issues stem from other emotional issues/areas and not from environmental factors like I’ve been believing. If that is indeed the case, there may be ways I can work on these issues instead of trying to muddle through with all these feelings and live with them by changing all the physical things around me.

Weather affecting my depression, and new meds

I’m on yet another new medication, for about the last week or so. This time it’s Abilify. I’m still on Risperdal as well, and I think the Abilify may actually be helping somewhat. Since I started it my depression has not seemed as bad. I don’t know if it’s actually doing something or I’m reading into things, (aka placebo effect), but I have felt pretty decent the past couple of days and I’m glad for that. We’ll see how long it lasts or if it continues.


Right now I am dealing with the onset of winter, and that is hard. It is cold, snowy and just generally bleary outside a lot. It hasn’t hit the bad part of winter…that won’t be for another month and a half when the temperatures hit -40 degrees F. UGH. I don’t think I’m going to handle it very well this year with all that I’m already dealing with. The cabin fever tends to overwhelm me and make me freak out, regardless of my mood, after awhile. I’m trying to be more active this winter though (as much as possible) by going out to concerts, sporting events, plays, movies, etc. at least once a week so that I get out among the human population and feel like I am a part of civilization. Truthfully, my husband and I are talking about moving next summer, if possible, back to Florida where we lived for the last few years. My moods were not drastic like they have been since I came back and I really believe the weather is having an impact on my moods, both manic and depressed. This may just be too extreme of a place for me to live anymore. Though I grew up here, since moving away and coming back, it seems much worse than it ever did before. So, we have the winter and spring to sit and decide what we would like to do, or try to do.


As for now I heard about this thing called the Happy Light, which is used for people with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It supposedly really works to help improve mood and energy and I’ve seen a lot of reviews of people who have used it, so, I figure it can’t hurt. This weekend I’m headed out to get my own and see how it goes.

Sinking into depression for the first time in years

I’ve been feeling for awhile now that I’m probably going into a depression. It’s been pretty confusing because for the past 6 months I have been up and down so frequently and sometimes “mixed” so that the up and down can’t totally be distinguished. But after my most recent episode where I had intervention from my doctors to keep me from being hospitalized (I wasn’t feeling depressed at all) my meds have gotten switched up a lot and I do think my current meds are keeping the manic portion of my illness at bay. I  haven’t had any weird thoughts or actions in a few weeks. However, my doctors warned me that depressed often follows mania, and so they are on the guard and want me to be aware too. And I can safely say that they are right, and in my case, depression is definitely following this manic or mixed period.

It’s weird, because the term depression gets thrown around so much now that it has no real meaning anymore. Anyone who has a bad day says “I’m depressed.” Those who actually suffer from depression as a mental/medical illness know that it can be unbearable. I hate the way that I feel right now for a lot of reasons. I hate it because I thought it was gone. I haven’t felt this way in many years which in itself, confounds me. In the past few years I’ve gone through a lot of rough times, situations that 95% of people never have to deal with. And through all of that, I was able to somehow stay strong, despite the fact that I had no real support system and I have been living with this illness all my life. I guess it was just in remission at the time. I remember even thinking to myself then, how every day was kind of the same…one went into the next…no real super highs or super lows. And it basically stayed that way for the bulk of two years. It was great, looking back in retrospect. Not the horrible things I went through of course, but having the stability to be ABLE to make it through and be no worse for wear, essentially.

Now, I’m here in this situation and I don’t know what to do. And I keep telling myself, I need to change something. I need to be proactive, I need, SOMEHOW, to thwart this depression, to quell these feelings. Yet I can’t. And I realize now, that is the worst thing at all in life. To have these feelings…for no reason at all…at to be unable to stop them from happening. The sense of helplessness and hopelessness only contributes to the feelings of despair. I want to sleep all day because I cannot bear the thought of muddling through the 12 hours until it’s time to go to sleep again. There is no joy in my life now. And I don’t know why. That’s the worst thing. I don’t know why. There is no reason. It is a feeling…it exists…no matter what I do, what I change, it persists. And I feel so sad…I feel sad just because that is the way of this illness. But I feel even sadder because I cannot do anything about it. It is my lot in life. It’s endless; cyclical; repetitive. It makes me want to give up completely. Because who wants to life a life so completely out control? A life where you are blown to and fro, and the actions you take are dictated by a cruel puppeteer that rules your mind totally? There is no out; no escape. At times the life I live seems worse than death. I admit that over the course of my life I have contemplated suicide countless times. After my one and only actual attempt, 5 years ago, I thought I would never think or feel that way again. Yet here I am, and the thoughts recur. I want to blot them out. I want to stop everything from happening. I don’t want to die…I’m not suicidal. I just want to go back to the time when I was happy…when I had stability. I want to go back to the time when I was satisfied…when I had control over my mind, my life, the things around me. I want to know a life that is different from this…this constant torturous merry-go-round that I ride.