“I’m so happy, because today I found my friends…they’re in
my head…”
Alright so I’ve never been a Nirvana fan. In fact I never
really liked their music at all, especially with people just idolizing Kurt
Cobain and making the band out to be these superhuman rock Gods. Then again, I’ve
never been someone who is particularly star struck. They’re just people after
all.
I wasn’t even going to write anything tonight but as I
revised one of my old blog pages, this line came into my head so I felt
compelled to write. I actually have a new respect for Kurt now. Let me explain.
A few months back, I was driving to one of my university classes, it was
raining, I was in my own mind, in a mood, driving on autopilot (nothing new for
me – driving is a great way for me to zone out since a lot of it is long
uninterrupted stretches). This song came on the radio and I actually listened
to all the lyrics. It’s not like I hadn’t heard them before but I guess my
particular mood on that day made the words go ZING! Into my brain and ruminate
there. I saw all this meaning in his lyrics I never did before.
Obviously, he was depressed. A lot of his songs are dark and
morose or just ambivilent. But on that particular day, I felt his great pain,
the pain he felt when he wrote the words to the song and God knows, how he must
have felt half the time when he sang them. Ironically, the song title is
Lithium.
So I (being me) got it in my head, this desire to know all
about Kurt Cobain. I looked up bunches of his song lyrics and pored over hidden
meanings and BAM I suddenly just got him. Old Kurt who I held in disregard for
so long, I got him and I totally related and felt terrible for his sad end.
Maybe a day later, I was walking through a store to get to
the bank in the back and I passed the magazine aisle. There was this HUGE cover
with Kurt on it, some special edition on his life and the band. I got
distracted from the bank and stood there leafing through it. Just quickly
reading captions and what not, and he was portrayed again as this sort of
crazy, depressed, addicted rock star dude. I thought, wow, poor Kurt. I bet he
hated the way he got portrayed in the media even when he was alive. He seemed
to really have a disliking for being in the limelight a lot of the time.
Then later when I mentioned it to someone else, they told me
that his suicide letter was public and anyone could read it. First I thought,
how terrible! Then in my quest for understanding I had to read it, see if it
had any deeper clues other than what everyone says, “Kurt was depressed” (ok,
that is obvious.)
So I read the letter, and felt this profound sorrow and
intimate kinship with him. I felt everything he said like it was me who wrote
it. I GOT IT. I remember the website saying something about the letter being “mysterious”.
I thought, how? Here are a couple of excerpts
that really hit home to me (I post with complete respect to Kurt and in
no unflattering terms whatsoever.)
He talks about his touring with his band a bit, and then
writes, “I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the
enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for
all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still
can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone.
There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much
that it makes me feel too fucking sad.”
Then a bit later he says, “I have it good, very good, and
I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all
humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that
have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach
for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic,
moody baby!”
WOW. I had been feeling every bit of that. The love/hate
dichotomy I’ve struggled with often myself. I love people intensely just like
Kurt, yet they always seem to be hurting, either hurting themselves or bad
things just befall them. I empathize and internalize others pain so much
sometimes that I cannot function. Then I start seeing these bad things in the
world and start hating people for causing their own demise and I start withdrawing.
Then my real love and caring overrides and I try to help. I go on that way for
a while, doing my best to help, to make things better for others. But then I
get to the point where I am overloaded with their feelings and I’ve taken in so
much that the energy is overpowering and sucks the life from me and I become
down and depressed. It’s a weird back and forth cycle. Caring, empathizing,
helping, absorbing energy…then upset, sad, depressed, depleting energy…And so,
gosh, Kurt, my kindred spirit, I so understand you and I feel so sad that you
died. I didn’t know you other than a song on a radio I perceived as ramblings
from a disaffected drug addict. But I was wrong. I’m sure that your drug issues
stemmed from the fact that your head was always spinning, and not the other way
around. I’m sure it was a way for you to numb the pain and the unceasing words and
feelings plaguing you. I wish I could tell all these magazine producers that
they don’t have a clue about who you were. I wish I could tell people that
there is nothing odd or mysterious about your description, and that they simply
don’t have the capacity to understand because they haven’t felt that way. Well,
I suppose I am telling them all now, in this post.
Sensitivity is such a two edged sword. It is both a gift and
a curse. Too many people take their lives because of their intense inner pain
and turmoil. Often these people are smart, talented, with much to offer the
world. But they become overwhelmed to a point they can’t see it. I don’t think
it is because they are “selfish” as some claim. I think it is because, like
Kurt, they care so much, and that can cause intense pain. As someone who has
struggled with the suicidal ideation much of my own life, and had one failed
suicide attempt, I can speak from experience. It’s a huge jumble of emotions,
very intense emotions.
I didn’t intend to write this long and ramble on about my
personal internal experience with Kurt Cobain’s words. But it made me think,
sometimes, all we have are our words. So here I am now, putting out my own
words, hoping to bring understanding and a little more empathy from the masses.
And to say, I’m sorry Kurt.
