Summer is flying by - divorce is consuming my time & mental state! UGHHH

Hi guys!

Wow, it’s been awhile. I hadn’t realized it’s almost 2 months since my last posting. Life tends to fly by sometimes when you aren’t paying attention, doesn’t it?!?!

The school year ended in May and so I was just relaxing for a few weeks (my brain was completely strained from the math course I took…I am no math wizard! Haha.) I had so many plans of school related things I wanted to get done this summer:

       Study and test out of my next math class

       Study and test out of my humanities class

       Study for and take the GRE (Graduate Record Exam – Grad school admissions test)

       Get involved in volunteer activities in the psychology community in my city

WELLLLL…since my divorce is now beginning the legal process, that has been so stressful to me that unfortunately, over the last month I have been able to accomplish nearly nothing on that list :( It makes me so sad!!! Between dealing with my ex and his mood swings, dealing with kids (who are themselves out of school for the summer), and trying to sell half my belongings and move out of my house so I can sell it, school hasn’t exactly been my top priority.

There is a lot going on you can see. My head is kind of swirling most of the time and I feel quite overwhelmed, like there is a lot hanging over my head. I HATE that feeling. I am a list maker, a checker-offer. I like knowing I accomplished things and have them under my belt. Stuff that hangs in limbo…leaves me feeling anxious :/

So, that is where I am now! Summer is half way down and it is my goal to AT LEAST test out of my math class, at the bare minimum. The rest of the school stuff may have to wait. I’m in a bit of a rush to get my house on the market, hopefully a month from now, so there is a lot happening.

My mental state is….OK. I go on meds and I go off them…that is just the nature of things I guess. Once my divorce is final (it seems to be getting dragged out slowly and painfully, unfortunately) I think my mental state will improve drastically. No longer being attached in any way to a toxic relationship will help me so much to move forward and try to make positive changes in my life. Right now I’m still sort of dangling in limbo-land while things are not finalized. And that is the toughest part!!!

My Christian Playlist

Since I wrote about bad messages in music, I wanted to post about some positive messages in music as well! I’ve been listening to Christian music for years, even when I wasn’t involved in anything God related, just because I found it to be happy and uplifting. Now it is what I listen to most of the time because I try to avoid the bad messages in other forms of popular music.

When I was young I used to think ewwwww, Christian music! And it conjured up images of people crying at concerts and things like that, which I found ridiculous but I now get it completely. I’ve cried at some of these songs myself because they are so moving, or they speak to me at just the right moment when I need it. They encourage positive values, loving yourself, loving others, being caring, helpful, generous. Loving God, respecting him, worshiping. Some of it is slow and some of it is music that makes you get up and dance! Whenever I listen to this music it truly does cheer me up. I can’t tell you how many times I was having a terrible day or experience and I turned on the Christian station and heard just the right thing at the right time to lift me up and help me keep going.

So here in my current playlist I’ve been playing quite a bit! Go listen to them now!

*Ready or Not by Britt Nicole

I'm not ever selling out
A love out loud is what it's all about
Giving everything to see the lost get found
Yeah, it's going down

You, you, you want me to take my light, light
Fit it in your box, right?
I want you to look me in the eye

Ready or not
Here, here, here, here I come
I'm about to show you where the light comes from

*Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

*Speak Life by TobyMac

Though it's crazy, amazing
We can turn a heart with the words we say
Mountains crumble with every syllable
Hope can live or die

So speak Life, speak Life
To the deadest darkest night
Speak life, speak Life
When the sun won't shine and you don't know why
Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted
Watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope
You speak love, you speak...
You speak Life, You speak Life

*Your Love by Brandon Heath

*Shine Your Way by Owl City

*Starry Night by Chris August

*Architecture by Jonathan Thulin

*More of You by Colton Dixon

*Ready, Set, Go by Royal Tailor

*Jesus in Disguise by Brandon Heath

*Born Again by Newsboys

*You Invite Me In by Meredith Andrews (first Christian song that ever stuck in my heart years ago!)

*Drifting by Plumb

*What I’ve Overcome by Fireflight

*Walk on the Water by Britt Nicole

Awesome, uplifting songs that really understand our physical human needs and spiritual needs as well. Hope that you enjoy them like I do.

Separating and moving forward in 2014...a new year and a new life

Well my friends, so much has happened since the last time I posted anything! It’s now 2014 and I am convinced that this is going to be my year. Most of 2013 was pretty awful and I’m feeling so much happier and more positive now. So let me catch you all up…

In a nutshell, at the start of 2013, I was pregnant, off meds, and out of counseling. Over the course of the year, I gave birth to my son, watched my marriage disintegrate, reentered individual counseling, restarted bipolar meds, and just in general, rode a crazy rollercoaster of emotion from day to day and week to week. I had some good stuff in there but overall, it was pretty icky. But now, 2013 is over, and with it, the end of one part of my life and beginning of another.

The biggest news is that my husband and I separated in December and are now living apart. It has been about 6 weeks and I’ve run the gamut of emotions thus far. Obviously, it’s  a huge life change. We have been together close to a decade and now I am faced with moving forward in my life without him. It was hard at first to admit that it was all really happening although I had seen it coming for a long, long time. I’ve felt the anger, the sadness, the regret, all of it and more. And finally, in the past week, I have started for the first time in years to feel real hope. Not a hope of reconciliation, or a mending of the relationship. But a hope for a better life. Hope for fulfillment. Hope for happiness.

Letting go of any relationship isn’t easy, whether that relationship was good or bad. It’s a process over time. Maybe because I saw this coming long ago I was in ways already mentally prepared. I don’t think most people would be ready to move on with their lives 6 weeks into a marital separation but that’s where I am. The truth is, we’ve been moving in different directions for the last year or two. And I’ve been having a lot of realizations and epiphanies over that time. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision to split up. It was thought about many, many times and in many different ways. I don’t want to get into the details of my personal life but I will just quote my counselor here and say “Sometimes, there is TOO MUCH water under the bridge.” And I believe that is true. Sometimes, too many things have been done to be undone or fixed. It is what it is. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Radical acceptance.

So let me go off track a little here and say I’m working with a new counselor and part of the therapy is working on DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That’s where the radical acceptance comes from. Accepting what is, without judgment. Accepting that everything that happened before has led me to this point in life. The good, the bad. It has all happened…I cannot change the past. I can only move forward. Truthfully I was working on this mindset before I even knew what DBT or radical acceptance was. But I really think this is a life changing idea. It can be applied to so many things, so many situations. It helps keep perspective. It helps remind me not to get caught up only in emotions but to use my wise mind, the melding of both emotion and logic. Not just one or the other…not just black or white. This has been a difficult concept for me. I think the majority of my life, I’ve been polarized. Good vs. bad. Love vs. hate. Friend vs. enemy. Emotion vs. logic. No middle ground. But I’m starting to move away from that. In truth, I feel quite enlightened. Despite all the crappiness going on in my life, I feel good. I feel a peace and centeredness that was not there before. I feel I have the strength to move forward instead of being mired in the sludge of defeat.

I have known for a long time that our outer world (family, relationships, jobs, environment) affects our inner world (ideas, beliefs, feelings). But it is only at this point in my life that I can really see in interconnectedness of the two. For so many years of my life, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t really see that things on the outside were affecting my mental state so drastically – not just the big events but things on a day to day basis. I felt sad and hopeless, like I was broken, useless. I had felt that way as a child and it followed me all through my life. I thought I would never be free of it ever. I thought, this is my lot in life. I should accept it because it will never change.

But I was wrong. In breaking away from toxic relationships I am amazed at the change in my  attitude. The world already seems like a sunnier place. Granted, yes, I still have a ton of mental issues, and I will continue to work on those, to gain insight, to learn, to make changes. But for the first time in my life, I actually feel that I can do this on my own. With each day that passes and each thing I accomplish, I feel more confident. I feel happier. There is something to be said for independence…the strength that it takes to carry on and make it through, not only to survive but to thrive. It’s a good feeling.

And truth be told, I am finding that I actually like life on my own. I’ve always felt that I needed a romantic love to be fulfilled but I see that is not true. There are a lot of kinds of love…family, friends, children. I don’t feel the extreme NEED to have a romantic lover anymore. What I value and desire is deeper than that. Caring, support, compassion, comraderie. Unconditional love.  I’m finding the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from those things in the various other relationships in my life, away from a marriage or romantic partnership. Maybe that’s strange, maybe not. I honestly do not see myself getting into another long term romantic relationship, ever. It simply is not what I want.

So, now, I’m doing well. My new year is off to a wonderful start. With 2013, I saw the end of a long, long chapter. Well, a whole bunch of bad chapters to be honest! Even before this year began I was determined to make lasting changes. So here are the changes that have happened, are happening and will be happening:

*** I’M TAKING CARE OF MY BODY. This involves the following things:

1)     I QUIT SMOKING. It’s been about a month since I quit and I’m feeling awesome about it. It was a bad habit I’d been wanting to get away from for a long time but always returned to it because of the stress of my relationship. With the end of the relationship I don’t feel the need to release stress in this unhealthy way.

2)     I STARTED EXERCISING. Over the summer I started working out, running on a track near my home. When winter came I stopped, because I’ve never been a gym person and to be honest, I felt self-conscious even at just the thought of going into the gym. But now, I’ve started going and running there. I’m also working out at home. The benefits to both my mind and body from these changes alone are amazing. I feel more confident, competent, and in control.

3)     I STARTED CARING MORE ABOUT MY EATING HABITS. I used to be a junk food junkie. I ate candy constantly, and had an ENTIRE CABINET devoted to candy. That’s right. That is how much I loved candy and sweets. Not only have I cut way back on that, I’m eating healthier in general. I’m drinking a lot of water and less caffeine. I’m more aware of what I put into my body, and caring for it. Before I skipped eating because I felt I had no time. Now I am making an effort to take that time.

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY MIND. Here’s how:

1)     I’M TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF. I have rarely taken time for myself in the last few years, and especially since I had my son 9 months ago. Time was a luxury I did not have, and when I did have time, I usually spent it doing things for others. I felt completely unappreciated and burned out. Now, just allotting a few hours of time for myself per week is making a huge difference. I am able to do whatever it is I want to do at that moment, whether it’s shopping, crafting, writing, just for myself. Its completely delectable!!!

2)     I’M BECOMING MORE INDEPENDENT. In the past I have had a tendency to become dependent on my romantic partners, mentally. Since I have had children I’ve also been dependent on my husband, physically and financially. I’m working on becoming more independent in both of those areas. I am taking on small household projecst that I would normally relegate to my husband as the man’s job. With each thing I do, my confidence grows and I realize, I really CAN do these things for myself! In the near future I will be looking for a job, and once I have a source of my own income again I know I will feel even better and much less helpless and reliant on others. 

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. This is a huge one, that has gotten neglected because most of my energy went to maintaining my marriage. Now that I no longer have to do that, I can focus the energy to places that have been lacking.

1)     SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THE CHILDREN. I’m getting the opportunity to spend more quality time with my kids. I used to have all 3 of them, pretty much all the time by myself. It was difficult to say the least and they had very little interaction with their dad. Now that we are living apart, they still spend most of the time with me, but also spend alone time with dad. We alternate kids so that we each get to spend quality time with each child and it is really going well. I feel so happy and no longer feel that I am missing out on everything they are doing from being tired/overworked/overwhelmed with the demands of daily life. The kids are really enjoying it too and I have seen a vast improvement in their general attitude in the last few weeks now that they have a more stable home environment.

2)     MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH FRIENDS. This area of my life always seems to suffer as my romantic relationships tend to force out any time/space for friends. Now, instead of turning to my husband I have been forced to find outside support and as a result I have rekindled several long term friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I feel I have so many great support people in my life now. Every day, I talk to a friend or family member in some capacity whether it be email, texting, talking on the phone or visiting in person. It feels sooooo awesome and I really feel loved and cared for.

Soooooooo, as you can see, I am really doing very well. The separation, as sad as it is and as much as I wanted things to work out, has been a catalyst for exciting changes that are doing wonders for my mental state. I truly hope to be able to maintain these changes for a general style of living that is vastly different than before. There are still more changes I want to make, and day by day, I’m finding new ways to bring joy and fulfillment to my life. As I said 2014 is shaping up to be a fantastic year.

So in love

Things are finally smoothing out around here :) Baby Goo is 3 months old and life is looking up, in a lot of ways. Physically, I’m completely healed from my surgery and have been for awhile. We figured out our nursing troubles (mainly caused by a tongue tie that my son had, which  has now been corrected.) So no more plugged ducts, no more pain and it’s going beautifully! Loving it all the time. My original goal was to get to 6 months breastfeeding, then possibly a year. I live in a great community for breastfeeding support so now I think my goal may even be longer than a year! We’ll see where the future takes us :)

I’m working on weight loss and getting in shape and unfortunately about 6 or 8 weeks ago I tore a ligament in my knee and had to stop running after only 2 weeks into my exercise regimen! I was so disappointed. Instead I began focusing more on my diet and that is going very well. I have cut back the amount I am taking in and in the past month I have lost 5 lbs. and 1 inch off my waist. Yeah! It definitely feels good to see progress. I have 3 more lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was heavier than it should have been because of medication I was taking.) So ultimately I’d like to lose 10 more lbs. after that. I know I can do it! It isn’t always easy but I have the goal and I am determined to reach it.

The kids are doing great as well and my twins are about to start school! I can’t believe they are growing so fast. I remember when they were born, thinking 5 years was so far away but it has passed in the blink of an eye. Now with my son, I am doing things a bit differently.  I know how fast it goes and instead of lamenting the hard times I am cherishing every moment because it will be gone all too soon. I am so in love with my baby boy, I just can’t get enough of him! I think he is the cutest, sweetest baby that ever was. :) I love every little thing about him, he is so beautiful, adorable, loving, I could go on and on with glowing adjectives, in short, I am just completely enamored of him! I LOVE MY BABY GOO and he has totally changed my life, in a wonderful way.

Mentally I am also doing very well. I’ve been making big changes in my life and my anxiety level is lowest it has been in years. I realized I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and ultimately, I had to change things for them to get better. It feels so awesome to know that I’m not watching life pass me by anymore and I’m actively out there doing things and enjoying things instead of being held back by anxiety and depression. I can only assume right now I’m in “remission” (I have no idea what they call it with bipolar!) But I’ve been med free and episode free for a year now and I’m doing so great.

Life is good.

Overwhelming stress, life is getting to me

Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe not.

I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s a million at once. When it rains, it pours. 

Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.

So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again. Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could really know.

I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released” or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.

So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high. And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress. 

Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t helping anything.

I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO HARD???

I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day. I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.