Overwhelming stress, life is getting to me

Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe not.

I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s a million at once. When it rains, it pours. 

Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.

So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again. Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could really know.

I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released” or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.

So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high. And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress. 

Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t helping anything.

I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO HARD???

I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day. I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.

New Addition!!! I'm now a mother of THREE!!!

Well, it’s official, I am now a mother of THREE. If you would have told me 10 years ago that at 30 I would have three kids I would have said NO WAY! Haha. It’s been about a month or so and in ways it still feels surreal. It’s been great, beautiful, stressful, overwhelming, difficult, amazing, and everything in between. I fell in love with my little boy the minute I saw his face and although going through the parenting thing all over again is tough, I just look at his chubby little face and I smile :) I know this time will go so fast so I am trying to enjoy every minute of every day before it is gone.

Day 1

A tiny smile!

9 Days Postpartum

Hanging with daddy

With big sissy #1

With big sissy #2

As for the birth itself, I think I said before that I was leaning more toward a natural birth and away from a c-section. I had a scheduled c-section date for about a week after my due date though, just in case, but was planning on seeing if my body would go into labor spontaneously. And that is what happened! I woke up at 4 am to feel a gush of fluid and realized my water had broken. I hadn’t actually started having contractions but knew it would be soon. Unfortunately my husband had just gotten the flu and was feeling pretty bad, and so the timing was terrible! I got up and waited for things to start happening, and within an hour they did. I had irregular contractions, 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. I was planning to labor at home as long as possible and then go to the hospital when I was close to giving birth. I wanted to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I could but unfortunately that didn’t happen! By about an hour later I was having contractions a minute or two apart that were lasting a minute or two. I knew that generally only happened when you were getting closer to the end. I got my husband up and thought maybe I should go get checked just to be safe. My mom had had easy deliveries with us kids and with me, she only felt crampy for awhile and by the time she got to the hospital, she was totally dilated and I was born less than an hour later! I thought maybe I might be another anomaly like that so we went.

The doctor checked and I was only 2 cm. dilated!!! I couldn’t believe it, and was so upset. I definitely would have stayed home longer had I known that. But the contractions didn’t stop, and it basically went on that way almost the whole labor. It was really messed up! Most women only get the bad contractions at the end…mine were the whole time :( I wanted to go med free but it was tough being hooked up to a bunch of machines and barely being able to move around. My husband was a great support though knowing what I wanted to do and keeping me encouraged. I think I handled the pain pretty well, actually! Every time the doctor checked me, every few hours, I would only have progressed a centimeter or so, despite the heavy contractions. It was ridiculous!!! Several hours in I started to get really fatigued because I had only had a couple hours sleep and had not eaten. At one point the baby’s heart rate went down and everyone rushed in as if it were a real emergency. It was scary! But his heart rate improved. The doctor gave me a shot of terbutaline to slow my contractions because she said they were too close together and baby wasn’t tolerating it. It did slow them down and allowed me to rest, which was nice, but then I stopped progressing at all. Eventually they picked up again and I was hurting, but was only about 6 cm. at that point. I had been laboring for over 12 hours with contractions a minute or two apart med free and was so exhausted. The doctor wanted to give me Pitocin to help me progress, but I didn’t want it. So I went a little longer and finally gave in and agreed to an epidural. Not because the pain was unbearable but because I was so exhausted I knew it was going to take a lot longer and I didn’t think I’d have the energy to even push the baby out by then!!! After the epidural, I felt nothing and was able to relax again and just talk and laugh with my husband. I was disappointed that I couldn’t go all natural all the way but was proud with how far I did go. 

Around 7 PM there was a shift change and the doctor I had been seeing for my OB care came on shift. I was so happy to her, someone I trusted! She said I was at 7 cm. but the contractions had slowed again and again mentioned the Pitocin. I said I wanted to hold off a bit longer. So she came back a couple hours later and pretty much said it would either be the Pitocin or I would need to have a repeat c-section, so I opted for the Pitocin. Within a minute of it being administered, baby went into distress again. Everyone rushed in and started rushing around and messing with me. His heart rate did not improve and the doctor said we needed him out now, and we went off for an emergency c-section. It all happened so quickly. Luckily I had a similar experience with my twins so although it was scary I wasn’t as worried as I was then.

By the time I got to the OR his heart rate had been down for 8 minutes and the doctor said she would have him out within 1 minute of making sure my epidural was working. Then suddenly baby’s heart rate improved. But because of the risk, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get him out. The doctor could not use the epidural for anesthesia and so I was put under general anesthesia. I went out and that was that.

When I awoke I was a new mom and my baby boy had been born. Sadly, because of the anesthesia, I only vaguely remember holding and nursing him the first time :( In all the photos I look so out of it the first couple hours!!! But the good news is, he was perfectly fine and healthy, and a whopping 8 lbs. 13 oz.!!! I couldn’t believe he was that big. No one in my family has had kids that big!!! I was just shocked. But he is the cutest little thing ever, with chubby cheeks and rolls, big lips and blue eyes :) He stole mama’s heart!!

As for recovery, it’s been up and down. In the first couple days I recovered SO much better than my first c-section!!! I was amazed. The first time, I couldn’t walk for nearly a week afterward and was using a wheelchair most of the time because of the horrendous pain. This time I was able to get out of bed and walk within hours of the surgery. I steadily did more walking every few hours and was actually able to be discharged a little early because of how well I was doing. Granted, I was on pain meds that helped, and when they wore off I was hurting something awful. But overall, the experience was better than my first and I healed better as well, at first. I did have a LOT of swelling due to the amount of IV fluids I got, and that hurt more than the incision after a few days! By about a week after surgery I was able to get out of the house and even washed my hair and put on some makeup!!! A far cry from my first c-section days where I wore pajamas for a month :( So after a couple weeks I thought I was out of the woods, however I developed plugged milk ducts in my breast (VERY painful) and that has slowly been resolving, then I developed an abscessed infection in my incision! It hurt so much I was in tears and could barely walk. Luckily I am now on antibiotics which seem to be helping and I anticipate that at the end of the 10 day course the infections should be eradicated. 

I decided to try breastfeeding and since it went well in the hospital I continued when I got home. And baby has been fed nothing but breastmilk since. I admit it is hard work and VERY time consuming, but its something I really want to do, so I am keeping at it. There is nothing like holding my baby close to me and watching his contented little face as he eats and knowing I am giving him the best possible. However that means I get sooooo little sleep and that is the hardest thing. Even though my husband has been home with me, he can only change diapers and rock the baby at times. If he was able to help feed like we did with my twins, who were formula fed, it would be soooo much easier to take turns and get more rest. :/ I’m sure part of the reason I’ve been more susceptible to these infections is because I am not resting or eating well and basically my body and immune system is run down. But I’m hanging in there! I know after another month or so, things will improve. But the early days/weeks are so tough.

My mood for the most part has been great. I have felt really happy (except for the last week and a half where I have been in massive amounts of pain, then I was actually somewhat depressed)!!! But still, I am enjoying my baby a lot. Having a family is the most beautiful thing. I am grateful for all that I have and just love this little guy so much. My kids are the world to me, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Last post for awhile...next time I will be a mother of 3!

Well everyone, the time has come and this baby is going to make his appearance ANY TIME NOW!!!! I am sooooooooo ready. Have I said that yet? Haha. There is some info I plan on sharing in this post that may be too gross/graphic/TMI for some people so if anything about childbirth makes you queasy, you've been duly warned.

So in my last post I mentioned how I wasn't quite sure about the c-section decision anymore. And over the last month as I have gotten closer and closer to the end I have pretty much been thinking about the birth and labor every day. A month or 2 ago I sort of felt like I didn't care what happened. But now I feel like I do. With my twins, everything in the pregnancy went awry and I got NOTHING I wanted. Everything I had envisioned went out the window early on. I had wanted a natural birth, I wound up getting a c-section without ever going into labor at 30 weeks. Of course, I wanted to hold my babies after they were born like every mother dreams about - that special first moment that you have anticipated months, years, maybe your whole life. But my girls were too small and sick. So I didn't get that either. They were whisked away and I wound up worried, distressed and crying for the next 2 days. Not exactly what I had been dreaming about. I had wanted to try breastfeeding the girls. Guess what? Didn't get that either. By the time the first was big enough to try (2 months later) she simply wouldn't do it. My second daughter had medical issues that prevented her from digesting breast milk, so I never even got the opportunity to try with her. I was heartbroken. I didn't even get the normalcy of taking them home from the hospital like regular parents do...my sicker daughter wound up staying in the hospital almost 5 months. For a long time I felt sad about it all, and wished it had all been different, although I knew it had all been out of my control.

Life went on and of course I loved my girls and still bonded with them and they are great children to this day and the joy of my life. But thinking back on how I was robbed of everything that a mother looks forward to, everything a mother SHOULD have, has made me want things more this time. I kind of feel the need to have the experience that I never did the first time, since this will definitely be my last child and I will never experience this again. If I just went in and had the c-section without even trying I would never even know what being in labor was like. And I feel like I want that experience.

So, I have decided to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) Luckily, the hospital I will deliver at allows them...some hospitals don't. However, I do NOT want to be induced. So I decided if I did not go into labor spontaneously, I would go ahead with the c-section at a designated time. I now have a scheduled surgery date, but it is a week after my due date, so that gives me more time for my body to start things on its own. And I'm hopeful that it will.

Not only that but just within the last couple weeks I have been thinking seriously about having a non-medicated birth as well. I'm not really sure what got me to thinking about it actually, because I hate pain and am not someone who wants to suffer through it if there is a way to relieve it. But after doing a lot of research I learned some things about natural birth that I liked. They say labor is generally shorter. They say the likelihood of tears is less because you can feel and control your pushing. They say (or I should say, people who have done it say) they are more satisfied with their experience.

On top of that, I have realized that with my first birth I had zero control over anything, and this time I WANT IT! I intend on staying home as long as possible before going to the hospital. I don't want to be told how to sit/lay, I don't want to be on a monitor, I don't want people watching every little thing I do 24/7. I want to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I can.

So my husband and I went to a non-medicated childbirth class to learn about options and it was helpful to prepare me for what to expect. Granted, I have never experienced active labor and therefore have no idea how I will react to the pain. But I have a good attitude this time around. With the c-section, I was terrified. I didn't want it and didn't totally know what to expect. I cried the whole time. It was very traumatic. I am determined this time will be different. I'm not saying I am going to refuse meds no matter what...if it is truly unbearable, I will probably go ahead and take them. But I would at least like to try. My husband told me "But its going to hurt a lot." I explained that I know it will be painful but I feel it will be different from the c-section experience in one big way - I will know when the pain will end. Basically,  a natural labor will probably not go on beyond a couple of days, and with every contraction I will know I am closer to the end. With my c-section the pain was never ending. I expected to feel better within a few days yet it went on and on and on...it mentally became unbearable. I feel like I can deal with the pain, if it is finite.

Now that I have pretty much made up my mind about what I want to at least ATTEMPT, I am so ready to get the ball rolling!!! Every time I think things are starting and they aren't it drives me nuts. A couple weeks ago we were grocery shopping and I kept getting hardening in my belly and sharp pains. We came home and eventually, it passed. A few days later, the same thing happened at home. This time it lasted about 6 hours. I thought "Is this it?" but wasn't sure. Unfortunately it wasn't. A couple days later, it happened again and last for about 8 hours! I thought "Come on, let's get this show on the road!" I figured by then they were just the Braxton Hicks contractions everyone talks about. My stomach kept getting rock hard (but, I also did have cramping pains with it, so it was kind of confusing.) This past weekend I woke up with pretty bad pains in my belly. I got up and knew right away they were real contractions. They came every few minutes and hurt quite a bit. I paced around groaning, thinking "This is definitely it." I was hurting but excited. After a couple hours instead of getting worse, it started to go away and eventually stopped. I was soooooooo disappointed!!!

So now every single day I am hoping TODAY WILL BE THE DAY!!! I'm pretty sure I have lost my mucous plug and when I went to my check up a couple days ago the doctor said I was 1 cm. dilated and 75% effaced. That is good news but doesn't necessarily mean anything is going to happen immediately. She "swept the membranes" which is inserting a finger inside the cervix and pulling it away from the amniotic sac. It is supposed to stimulate hormones which may induce labor. I was very hopeful but so far nothing of real importance has happened. I may possibly have started leaking water earlier today but don't know for sure. A few hours ago I started having cramping pains yet again and thought "Maybe??? Just maybe???" But as I sit here writing I have been feeling ok for awhile so I assume it is nothing. POOOOOOOOOOO.

Physically, I think my body is just done. I have been taking it as easy as possible lately just because doing anything is too hard and is physically painful. The baby has moved so far down into my pelvis that I honest to God can barely walk. It feels like someone has beaten me between the legs with a baseball bat. I mean, I can't hardly get into or out of a vehicle, roll over in bed, sit on the couch or stand up, anything. It hurts SO BAD. My belly is HUGE and hurts the majority of the time. All I can think of is pushing this baby out so I can MOVE again. It's making me crabby because I don't like just sitting around and that is all I can do.

That's where I am at now!!! Just waiting, waiting, waiting and getting more and more frustrated by the day!!! I know the longer the baby is in, the bigger he gets and I don't want that! I had a feeling he would be large and a week ago his weight was estimated to be 8 lbs. 1 oz. YIKES. I certainly hope that was wrong!!! (Granted they do say U/S at the end can be off by 2 lbs. soooooo.....)

My mood has been fluctuating a bit, I know it is because of these pregnancy hormones though and being so close to the end. I feel a mixture of being happy and sad at the same time, then I feel nervous & apprehensive, then excited and giddy, and it just keeps going around and around.

So now it is suuuuuuuuuper late and I should be getting my rest. The next time I post I will be a mother of 3 and hopefully have some real photos to post of the wee one :)

A month to go...baby boy almost here!

I am nearing the end now...yayyyyy.....no, not the end of life, hehe, the end of this pregnancy. It's amazing that I found out last July that I was pregnant and here it is almost March already. As I've said numerous times, I am ready for the baby to be born, even more so every week that goes by and I get even bigger! I am soooo uncomfortable, it's just awful. My twins were born 2 1/2 months premature so needless to say this is as far along as I have ever been, it's kind of weird actually. I feel enormous, it hurts to sit, lay, walk, do anything! UGH!!! Today one of my girls was looking through pics of belugas on my phone (they are obsessed with whales). She found this picture:

She showed it to me and then said "Mommy, this whale is as fat as you. Except you're fatter."
Good thing I'm not super sensitive when it comes to my kids comments...haha...I actually laughed for about 5 straight minutes (in fact, I'm laughing right now just thinking about it.) So anyways, yes, I'm feeling a bit like the beluga right now. Portly. Rotund. Oh and let's not forget pale.


I did figure out awhile back what was causing some of my fatigue, and that was me being severely anemic! So I've been on iron tablets plus some other vitamins and misc. pills. I literally take about 10 pills a day. Bleh. Good news is it's been about 2 months and my doctor says my hemoglobin levels have gone up so I will not need iron injections/transfusions (thank goodness.) That is a relief. BUT, the pills make me nauseous half the time (on top of just generally feeling sick) so I'll be glad to not have to take them anymore. I tell you pregnancy sure wreaks havoc on your body. I don't know how anyone could enjoy it!

With the time getting closer, I am waffling on the c-section decision. I am remembering how much it HURT LIKE HELL and how terrible it was. And this time my doctor is giving me the choice of c-section or VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) I'm seriously thinking of trying the VBAC. So I'm learning a lot about it, researching, talking to people, hubby and I went to a childbirth class last week and that was interesting. Learned some breathing and relaxation techniques and about what is offered at the hospital I will give birth at. So in the next couple weeks I need to get my choice narrowed down to what I want to do.

Stuff is pretty much ready for the most part. Got baby's room set up and things put away, been doing some random organizing. Still have more to do, want to get all that finished in the next couple weeks because I am already to the point where I can barely do it. Thankfully it is a joint collaboration between me and my husband with the kids pitching in here and there too.

Speaking of the kids, they are so excited about the baby. I hope that continues once they see him and realize he is a permanent fixture in the home. They do talk about him daily, and draw pictures of them holding his little hands. Aw. They tell people they are going to change his diapers and help me feed and bathe him. They call him by name. It is just really cute. I think they will be good big sisters.

So here are a couple ultrasound photos of the lil guy...first 3D U/S ever and definitely confirmed BOY PARTS. Hehe. He is an active one as well. Kicks me non-stop, so much it actually hurts :( Feels like he is shanking me with a tiny little shiv from the inside! What a nut.

So that is what's going on...misc. stuff as well of course...girls birthday is coming up around the time I am due so I am excited about that. Just hope I am not too big to enjoy it :) I love doing their birthday every year and have been looking forward to this one as usual. I'm also planning our yearly trip for the fall, and just generally looking forward to summer. Haven't given a whole lot of thought to counseling/meds/etc. lately. I did see my new counselor for the first time and she is a nice lady. But as far as all that goes I am just focusing like 95% of my energy on the baby and getting through the next month or so (well, truthfully, the next year....:P heheh.)

Big changes in store. :P

A new year, 2013, what have you in store for me?

I was up and thought I would go ahead and write a little something. I've been busy allllllll day with all kind of misc things...stuff on the computer, house cleaning, organizing, budgeting, on and on and on. So I've gotten a lot accomplished but wanted to do something not on my "to-do" list for today!

Well, I am in my third trimester of pregnancy and am getting fatter and fatter. Well not totally true...only my belly is getting bigger, the rest is staying the same. But still, I am HUGE. And I mean huge. I have no idea how I am going to get any bigger than I already am. The weird thing is I have only gained about 15 lbs. yet I am positively enormous. I am so uncomfortable all the time. I feel like all I do is complain but I can't help it! I am so ready for this baby to be out of me!!! I remember when I was pregnant with my twins, and it was a horrible experience, healthwise and I always wondered, "If I got pregnant again, would I have a good pregnancy?" Well the answer is a resounding NO!!! I feel bad because this baby will probably be born and think I had it out for him, but that is not the case, I just long to be feeling normal again! I literally have almost every pregnancy symptom in the book, and really bad too. I was really energetic for awhile there and getting a lot done, now I am just tired all the time again and want to sleep 24/7. I feel kinda crabby a lot, why, I'm not sure but I find myself getting short with people or just irritated and yelling. Poop! It stinks.

I think I am pretty much prepared for the birth, I am most likely going to have a repeat c-section. I had to have one with my twins and now I have a choice but I don't think I want to risk a natural birth only to be told at the last minute there are complications and I must have surgery anyway. So I think that is what I will do. Also, I plan on having my tubes tied and so they can do it all at once and be done with it.

So now I am getting closer (but still seem so far away) I am more into making sure everything is ready. We will have to do a big cleaning/organizing before the birth and make sure everything is set up. I feel like physically I will be ready but mentally...hmmm, who knows! My moods haven't been as good lately, maybe because I don't feel as good physically or maybe other stuff, I don't know. I did have my last visit with my counselor and was very sad. They had another lady who will become my new counselor come to meet me and now I have to set up an intake appointment with her for the end of the month. I already said it but it is going to be so weird starting over with someone new. I don't want to :( My previous counselor was a great lady and got to know me so well and I am going to miss that. At our last meeting she was telling me how she was impressed with me with all the strides I have taken since beginning counseling, and getting diagnosed and that she doesn't see many people like that. She also told me her wish for me was to keep going with education and to go on and to great things because she thought I had the brains and talent to do something important. That made me feel really good. And now I am sad she is gone.

Alas that is part of life, nothing stays the same, it must change, and be in constant flux. I am looking forward to the upcoming year of 2013 and wondering what is in store for me. I will have a new baby and be starting on a new journey. My husband asked me some of my new years resolutions, I don't really have any...but maybe I could think of some "goals". To be a good mother. To be a good wife/partner. To save money. To do something worthwhile (personally).

So, now it's a new year and I hope that things go well. I hope all is well with all of you, too. Happy 2013.

Chugging along, getting bigger and more uncomfortable!

I've been meaning to update for quite some time but have been sooooo busy!!! Life has been good, but crazy. I'm currently about 6 months pregnant and we are in the middle of the winter/holiday season now. I have a lot of appointments, and my husband has had quite a few as well, I think between us last month we had 8 appointments. Also we've been keeping a weekend schedule to make sure that we get out and do things and don't succumb to the cabin fever.

I guess the most notable things going on are that after January, I will have to get a new counselor :( I am quite sad about it, and love my counselor but she is retiring and so that is that. I'm not looking forward to starting over with a new person and telling them my whole life story...truthfully I don't think I have to will to do it. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to where I am at with my current counselor and so it just kinda sucks :( Plus, I will miss her, I think she is a great lady.

Things are going pretty well with the kids and family...no real complaints there! Looking forward to X-mas, have all the gifts bought and most of them wrapped. Seems like this winter is just flying by.

As far as the pregnancy, it is going pretty good but today I am just in a horrible mood! Probably because I have been working on a lot of projects the last few days (not fun projects, just things that need to get done) and I have total brain drain, so it makes everything worse. I just feel like super crab and everything is annoying me. I am losing patience with the whole being pregnant dealie. I know some women think it is great but I am not one of them. Not that I don't love my kids because they are the best thing in the world, but the process of being pregnant just sucks. I have no idea why God made it such a pain instead of just having us lay an egg or something :) I have the WORST ACID REFLUX of all time. It is uncomfortable to eat, even when I am not eating I burp literally 50-100 times a day. It's disgusting, probably the worst thing about the whole pregnancy. I take Tums like there is no tomorrow and I also had to start taking Zantac because it was so bad but it only helps minimally.

In addition to that, I have started getting leg cramps, something I never had with my twins. I wake up in the night in horrible pain and sometimes it even lasts the whole day or longer. BLEH WHY?!?!?

I am getting so big, I can't believe it. As I said I'm about 6 months and I feel like I am 9 months. I can't believe I have several months to go and am trying to imagine how I am going to get bigger than I already am. It's uncomfortable to walk, bend over, lay down, sit, well basically do ANYTHING.

The baby kicks me like crazy, way more than my twins did. And I swear, sometimes it actually hurts :( It is distracting when I am trying to sleep or concentrate on something. I wonder, what on earth are you doing in there???? Again, the baby is only going to get bigger and stronger so I can only imagine how bad it will be later on!!!

So, that's that. Everything "healthwise" with the baby is fine, so they say, so that is a relief. I'm pretty sure we have also decided on a name. We have most things we need for the baby so won't be rushing at the last minute. Just ready...ready to have the baby, ready to move onto the next phase of life.

Oh yeah guess I should mention my moods! They've been pretty darn good. Dare I say "normal"! I'm sure at some point that will change though, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with hormonal changes of pregnancy.

That's about all. I could probably ramble forever but gotta get to doing something important :P

My big news...and my how fast kids grow

It has been quite some time since my last update...about 3 months or so. And yes there is a reason for that. For those of you who don't know I found out at the end of July that I AM PREGNANT. That's right folks...there is a mini-me growing in my belly as I type this.

It was a total and complete shock to me. We weren't planning on having any more kids. I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking "God, I've gained weight...I am getting fat." It occurred to me that my period was late and so I took an old home pregnancy test that I had lying in a drawer. I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative. I went to the store and got more and took about 5 more tests. They all came back positive. Talk about giving me the shock of my life. My first pregnancy was planned, so the feeling of being taken off guard and shocked that way was completely foreign to me. I didn't know what to think or how to feel at all. I actually think I was in denial for awhile.

So, from that moment on things have changed. I went off Zyprexa the day I found out I was pregnant. I do not want to take medication during pregnancy, especially one that has not been well studied and could potentially harm my child. So it was literally a split second decision. I'm pregnant? No more meds.

I didn't have much time to let things sink in because about a week after I found out I became sick as a dog. I'm talking the worst sickness you have ever seen. I would throw up at least 5 times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I couldn't keep down any food or even water. My husband said he had never seen anyone throw up that much in his life. Not only that, I was getting awful, almost migraine headaches constantly where I couldn't stand light or sound. I was 100% miserable and depressed. I was so sick and so weak that I would wake up, drag myself to somehow get my kids breakfast, and lay on the couch with the TV playing the whole day. And anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a TV watcher. But there was nothing else I could do. Thankfully my kids are old enough that they would occupy themselves the majority of the time playing together. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had 2 year olds that I had to take care of 24/7. I was so sick that several times my husband had to come home and take care of me and the kids. My dad, who is retired, did the same. He came over several times and picked up around the house, made me soup or would just take the girls out for awhile so I could rest.

About a month and a half in we went on vacation. Not because I wanted to (I didn't, and if we could have gotten out of it, we would have). But because it had been planned for a year and already paid for. No refunds. And we weren't about to lose out on thousands of dollars. So, sick as I was, we took our kids and went for 2 weeks. Needless to say it wasn't that great! I tried to put on a happy face for everyone but a week in, I said screw it. I feel terrible and I shouldn't have to pretend anymore.

After we got home, and it had been about 2 months since the sickness started, the vomiting started easing up. And with that, my attitude started to improve too. Currently, I'm about 17 weeks along (that's a little over 4 months and almost 1/2 way through the pregnancy.) I'm doing better than I was, healthwise, but still get sick a couple of times a week. Even though I don't vomit as much I am nauseous most of the time and the majority of food repulses me. So I don't eat much at all.I'm a bit worried about the baby not growing from a lack of nutrition but I do the best I can.

So that is the big news and my life is certainly changing in big ways now. I've had a couple of ultrasounds and was told they thought it was a boy. Haha! I am a terrible guesser. My first pregnancy, I thought I would have a boy. I got identical twin girls. This time I thought girl for sure, and they are telling me boy. I give up! I have felt the first movements about a week or two ago, and that is neat. At this point the baby is about the size of an apple they say. It's crazy to know that I'm going about my days and there is a little person chilling inside of me. Haha.

I was nervous at first about the whole pregnancy for so many reasons. I was nervous I wouldn't be able to handle the change since it was unplanned and seemed so sudden. I was nervous about going off meds, and how my body would react, and whether I would have serious episodes or not. And I was worried about the health of the baby because my first pregnancy had A LOT of complications and my children were very premature and sick when they were born. So for a long time I had constant worries and fears.

But, to my amazement, I am doing a lot better now! Just in the past 3 weeks or so I have noticed a huge change in my mood. I am no longer depressed. But I am not manic either. I actually feel NORMAL. It is a weiiiiiiiiiiiird feeling. I haven't felt this good in a long long time. Seems like pretty much from the onset of my first full blown manic episode 2.5 years ago, I was just riding a rollercoaster constantly. I was so confused so much of the time. Overall, I was not very happy. I isolated myself and muddled through the best I could.

Now, I feel positive again, I feel like the normal Nicole again. I find myself looking forward to things and planning things. I find that I am more capable of doing things and I don't feel as stressed. I guess, in a word, I feel STRONGER. Mentally stronger. Like even if my house crashed down around me, I would get through it. Like I said, my attitude is so much better than it has been. And I can only hope that it continues.

So that's what's been going on, quite a bit. Winter is here now and the snow has fallen. I think it will go quickly though because of the pregnancy. And its funny...I sometimes don't realize how much time has gone by until I look at my kids. Today, they put on nearly all their snow gear by themselves, and went outside in the backyard to play. It was quite strange to me, them being independent enough to do that. I tend to measure my kids according to seasons, maybe because that is when the change is obvious...when summer and winter first come. I looked at them today and thought "Last year, they couldn't do this. Last year, they still needed help dressing and they couldn't be left outside alone." Now I see how much they have grown and changed and it seems so fast. I don't know where the time goes...where our lives go. It is bittersweet.

That's the news and I'm sticking to it. Hope everyone settles into the season and enjoys the upcoming holidays.

HIGH, low, UP, down and in between, CrAzY BrAiN!

Oh geez, where do I begin, where do I begin??? My mind is going all over the place right now and so instead of sitting here talking to myself (like I have been doing the last 15 minutes) I decided to post here and get it all out.

I think I pretty much captured what had been going on for awhile in my last post. My counselor thought I was having a mixed episode, and because of my suicidal thoughts, she has been checking up on me every few days by phone until I get in to see her next week. And I tell you, my moods are varying extremely from day to day and minute to minute. It's BAD. I don't know if it is a mixed episode or if now I am just rapid cycling, or maybe was all along? It's so f*^#ing confusing! AGHHHHHHHH!!!!

So a couple weeks ago, I remember going to a baseball game with my family. I was all done up, in a good mood. During the game, something happened that turned my mood somewhat sour. So I'm sitting there, "watching" the game (but not really paying attention) my mind being somewhere else. During this time I overhear my dad talking to a friend of his, the poor man has had a heart transplant and now needs a kidney transplant. I felt so bad for him. My mind got to racing with thoughts of "Why can't I just give him my kidney? I have 2...I don't need both...I could get tested and see if I'm a match...that would be such a great thing to do..." Hours later on the way home I told my husband some of my thoughts of organ donation. He said "You're probably having an episode...you need to wait a month or so and see how you feel then." I kind of thought, yeah, ok, whatever. I knew in my rational brain it made sense but didn't deter me from wanting to do it. I sat around thinking about it all for the next 2 days.

But anyways, back to what I was saying...I'm in one of those moods where I could just talk (type?) forever...hehehe...I have so much to say you see!!! Anyways, yes, so we got home and my mood was turning more and more sour and there was conflict in the house and I said I needed to get out. I went walking and was literally thinking of killing myself. I walked and walked, late at night, weighing the options...1) go home and overdose 2) call a friend and try to talk myself OUT of overdosing 3) tell my husband to take me to the hospital so I DON'T overdose...I didn't know what to do, I was so confused and really wanting to do myself in. So I went home, told my husband he may need to take me to the hospital. It was BAD for it to get to that point that I was telling him this, seriously on the verge of checking myself in. Oh yeah, I was drinking too. He said we would go for a drive, and we did, and afterward I felt a bit better. I knew I would be alright through the night and if I still was suicidal in the morning, I'd go to the ER.

But in the morning, I didn't feel suicidal. I was depressed but not as bad. That evening we all went 4wheeling and I was pondering it all and thinking, "Why was I suicidal? How stupid." It seemed absolutely ridiculous to me.

So since then I have been having a hell of a time! Trying to stay on some kind of stable path, but I dunno what to expect from day to day. I alternate, depressed, happy, depressed, happy, depressed, super happy, depressed, irritated, and so on and so on and so on...

One day last weekend we went out river boating and I remember sitting there being almost outside my body, it was so strange. I again was thinking morbid thoughts, of how I was a broken, defective person, how all was futile because nothing would ever change, how I knew I was destined to die by my own hand before the time I reach 40 years old, and I was DAMN SURE of it all. I didn't talk to my family and didn't engage them. I just sat there, not noticing anything around me.

Then I go back up again...and I come down again...

Then a couple days ago I was back to working on projects...I cleaned my house and I mean SCOURED it. I cleaned and washed my washing machine and dryer for God's sake. I washed my blinds. Stuff I NEVER do (well, let's face it, I hardly clean anything besides the dishes on a regular basis). I spent ALL DAY cleaning from the time I got up til about 3:30 PM. And it still wasn't completely finished but I had other things to do. Took the kids for a bike ride, made dinner, played outside in the sun with them. Then I made a scrapbook, and was up later drinking and working on it. I did get it finished though :)

And yesterday I felt so good, so happy, I was all done up, wearing some of my new clothes that I drunkenly/manically spent all that money on, styled up my hair (that I just paid $200 to have trimmed and highlighted) and went to town to run errands with my girls. Let me tell you, I was in my own f@#^ing world!!! I pushed the cart around with my brain going all over, splintering out in a million directions. I don't think I even noticed where I was pushing it. Luckily I only needed 1 thing in there and I got it and got out. I was so distracted (by what? I couldn't tell you) I was completely driving on autopilot, I don't think I was even looking at the road. It's a good thing I have driven that road a million times or I would have wrecked. I vaguely remember staring out at dots on the horizon, or following the edge of the trees with my eyes. I felt really batty. So we stopped one more place and went home. Then last night I was watching a movie and in some scenes I felt so overcome with intense emotion...I mean, it wasn't even a good movie, it was a terrible movie! But I remember a scene of the blue sky reducing me to tears, I just couldn't bear the beauty of it. And I gasped and held myself tight and floated away. I started thinking of just running away somewhere, me and my husband taking a random trip, just going, going, gone...

And tonight I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours looking up vacation information. What the heck am I doing?!?! We're going on vacation in 2 months. But I want to go NOW dammit, NOW! I looked through the Carnival Cruise site (we went on a cruise before and had a good time) and I'm like, it would be so easy, just book it and next week we could be on a plane and whisking away to some white sand beach, ahhhh, it would be wonderful...(now, this isn't the first time something like this happened...years ago before I was diagnosed, I did the same thing with my friend, I needed to GET AWAY and would have gone immediately had she not needed to save up cash, but we did go - not as soon as I wanted - but it was an awesome, albeit very impulsive, trip...) anyhow I digress again, I feel so excited at the prospect of going on this damn cruise, hahahaha. I know we don't have the money to go especially after my husband and I collectively blew through $3000 more than usual on our credit card last month....ahhhh f@#$.

So yeah that's where I am...I don't think it helps that I am drinking every night or every other night. I find myself waking up having memory lapses and not remembering parts of conversations, emails, movies, things I did the night before. The worst thing is it happens even when I don't drink! Even on sober days I wake up feeling like there are pieces missing and I don't know why or where they went. I find that this entire last month or month and a half is a jumble, because I am finding it hard to put things in chronological order. There are pieces of this and that, and what? who? when did I do that? What did I do? I don't know...hmmm...well...it must have been this! It sucks. I don't know if it's all my fault or only partially my fault.

I have been taking my meds though. LOW dose, 2.5 mg of Zyprexa. Needless to say I will probably have to increase. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Well, hmmm, it should be an interesting visit :P

Oh yeah and I just noticed, IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!!

*NOTE: It's 2 years later, and I have since been diagnosed with borderline in addition to bipolar. I can clearly see the BPD symptoms interspersed with the manic symptoms I was having reading this back. The happiness, impulsiveness, distraction = bipolar. The confusion, dissociation, suicidal ideation = BPD (or, I should say, bipolar and BPD as they are currently known/classified). Should be interesting to see a couple years from now, how much more I will have learned and come to understand about all these various mental states I experience.

Mixed Episode...a confusing bag of symptoms (updated with BPD commentary)

So today I saw my counselor, and she thinks I'm having a mixed episode right now. It's strange how sometimes we can be doing things but not even completely realize it until someone else points it out. I have known for awhile that I have been feeling depressed off and on. And by off and on I mean I'll be down for a day or two, then it passes. Some of it is situational depression, maybe most of it. But regardless the depression is there. She asked if I had been having suicidal thoughts...I said yes. In the past it used to take quite a bit for me to become suicidal, usually a LONG depression that I just couldn't see any way out of. Now, since my first full blown manic episode 2 years ago, it seems that the way my illness manifests itself has changed. I can be depressed for as little as a day and yet become extremely suicidal. That's how I've been the past month. I'll have a couple days where I feel fine and the next day, BAM...I'm ruminating on ways to do myself in, telling myself my family would be better off without me and that the only escape from my situation is to die. I'm not at the point of actually trying to follow through on these thoughts though, so that is good.

So then we got to talking about other stuff that has been going on and I realized that I have been having manic symptoms as well. I guess I didn't recognize what's been happening because generally, my hypomania/mania starts off as being happy/hyper and having racing thoughts. I haven't really felt that way, but I do have a bunch of the other manic symptoms: lack of sleep, excessive energy, impulsiveness, distractability.Add to that that I have been drinking nearly every night (mainly due to stress and the need to relax and forget about my problems.) But I'm sure it's not helping the situation.

So let me just describe what exactly has been happening, symptom-wise:

*Depression/suicidal thoughts (already talked about that one)

*Lack of sleep: I have been staying up til the wee hours, usually at least 3 am or later, and getting up in the mornings at 8 or 9 with my kids. I need about 10 hours of sleep usually so getting 5 hours of sleep or less is not good for me, personally. One night last week I did not go to sleep at all. I stayed up working on stuff. I felt a little tired the next morning but it passed. Then that afternoon/evening I felt fine, like I could go a whole night again without sleep. But I didn't. I made myself go to bed that night.

*Excessive energy: This time, this energy has come in the form of working on projects. I simply feel that I MUST be working on something. It does not matter what it is. The night I didn't sleep I was working on several big projects...finishing a scrapbook for my kids, sorting our photos in chronological order to make photo albums, sorting files on the computer. I have been obsessed with organizing. I made my husband help me clean the house all day last Monday. Besides what I just mentioned I've been working on outdoor projects for the house, doing a bunch more cooking and cleaning than usual (I admit I don't do either regularly in my normal state), planning outings (we went camping last weekend and before that we did a scavenger hunt for our kids), and shopping. Which leads me to my next item.

*Impulsiveness: Let me tell you, I have been spending money like crazy. All of this has been going on at least 3 weeks or a month now and I didn't even really see how crazy my spending has been until today. Basically every time I have gone into a store (which has been a lot this past month) I have bought stuff. Generally I am very good about spending because I budget our money and pay the bills so I know how much I can spend and on what. It's like all that went out the window. I'd buy stuff that we needed (but were limiting, since we couldn't afford it all at once), stuff that we wanted but were "luxury" items (like an outdoor fountain for $119) or sometimes just random things!!! I kept telling my husband, "I spent a lot of money today, I'd better stop" but the next time would roll around and it went out the window and I'd find something else I had to have. It all culminated last night when I spent almost $400 on clothes and shoes at 3 stores online. YIKES. I woke up this morning saying WTF did I do? So just now I totaled up how much I've spent in the past 3 weeks. On stuff for the house (flowers, pots, soil, a bench, a fountain, brick pavers for a garden pathway) $883. On miscellaneous items for myself/my kids (clothes, craft items, other stuff) $862. Granted, some of that stuff we needed, but did we need it all RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Probably not. Oh yeah and I bought a new computer. $464 there!

*Distractability:Mainly when dealing with other people. I at times find it extremely hard to listen to people, because I just can't concentrate on what they are saying. I find my brain going off on a million other paths and trying to focus on just one thing can be hard. Even now I am finding it difficult to write this and follow a coherent train of thought. It's like I have the energy to get things done but right now, I can't focus on anything long enough to do it!

*Appearance: Almost forgot to mention this. Both my counselor and my psychiatrist have told me in the past that they can tell when I am becoming manic because my appearance changes. I go from my regular casual wear with no makeup and glasses (why get done up to go to the doctor?) to wearing lots of makeup and dressier clothes. That's how I was dressed today, and I thought back and realized I have been dressing up quite a bit the last few weeks...putting a lot more effort into my looks than usual.

So anyways that is what is up. Now that I am aware of this I am going to have to keep an eye on it til my psychiatrist visit in a week or two. My counselor is a bit worried because she says being in a mixed state puts you at high risk, because you have suicidal thoughts and the will and energy to actually carry them out, which is dangerous. So she is going to check on me after the weekend and make sure things are going alright for now. I know that I can always call someone for help though, there are plenty of resources available to me. Anyways I am rambling. And it is 3 am. I better hit the sack for tonight.

*NOTE: It's been 2 years since I posted this, and I had to come back and re-read it in light of my current knowledge, knowing that people still read these older posts. I now looking back can see a lot of borderline related aspects happening during this episode. I think I was indeed manic but that it had BPD depressive symptoms mixed in. My manic symptoms many times seem to come on spontaneously, as in, I will simply wake up that way one day, whereas BPD symptoms are directly related to triggers or outside sources (disagreements, high stress level that day, etc.) Totally explains the random suicidal ideation in the midst of the mania. I'm glad I figured out more fully what was going on with me! Makes a lot more sense in retrospect.

In a BAD mood

Ugh. Where do I begin. I am feeling crappy as hell today. I am really feeling irritable and depressed. I quit smoking 6 days ago and it has been rough. The first day I was a total grouch. I've been doing better since but today I just feel like total shit. EVERYTHING is annoying me and making me mad. I just want my kids to play by themselves and leave me alone because I am so crabby. My dog is driving me up the wall. I dunno if it is a matter of I am in such a bad mood so everything is bothering me? That seems likely. I just want to go outside and literally scream for 5 minutes.

I am trying so hard not to smoke. And it is even harder because I really didn't want to quit. I admit it...I enjoy smoking. I don't care if it is bad for me. The only reason I quit is because I didn't want my kids seeing that, growing up and thinking smoking was OK and then becoming smokers themselves. So I wanted to do the responsible thing. But it really sucks. I used to go out every hour and smoke. That amounts to over 2 hours a day spent smoking. Now it is gone. I catch myself all the time preparing myself to go outside to smoke, then I have to consciously remind myself, "No, you quit smoking, you have to find something else to do." And it is tough. :(

So I guess that is mostly it, just venting. I don't have the desire or motivation to do anything I just want to sit and wallow and be grouchy by myself.

In other news, last night I applied for a part-time job. I haven't worked in about 5 years, so this is a big deal for me. We will see if I get a call, and what happens.

Back on Zyprexa for my kids, my family and myself

It's been about a month since I've posted anything bipolar related. I should have posted awhile ago but I've been busy with summer projects and what not, and truthfully haven't given much thought to blogging/vlogging.

Anyways I thought I would update this to let you all know I am back on medication again. I've gone back to Zyprexa, I'm currently on 2.5 mg. I think it's been maybe a month? I forget exactly, but something like that. My anxiety and mental turmoil was just consuming me and in the last month or so I've seen both my counselor and psychiatrist 3 times each (MUCH more than my normal once a month or once every 2 months). I was just having such a hard time coping and so ultimately I decided to go back on medication because I know it did help me before and thought it would this time as well.

I'm feeling a lot better. In my experience, anti-psychotic meds work very quickly to alleviate symptoms. I'd say within a week of starting back on it I was feeling more in control of things, the anxiety has nearly disappeared (well, I still have SOME anxiety, but more what I would consider normal anxiety, not the kind that plagues me 24/7 and makes me physically ill). So I know it was the right choice.

Ultimately, my choice to go back on medication was something I thought a lot about. And one of the biggest factors was thinking about my children. When they were small, they didn't notice things. Now they are 4 years old, and they do notice things. If I am crazy and bouncing off the walls, if I am depressed and withdrawn or angry and irritable, they pick those things up right away. I didn't want to be that unstable mother...I didn't want to negatively impact their lives. I didn't want to be the mother whose children have to take care of her, sleeping late, crying, wishing I was dead. I don't want them to see those things and be scarred by them. I owe them more than that. I owe them the best I can give them, and in order to be a stable person, and be the best mother I can be, I need to be on medication. It's as simple as that. Granted, I will always have bipolar, but with meds, I can help regulate the imbalance rather than just letting myself go up and down constantly and not do anything about it. I don't want my kids to grow up and look back and think "My mom had this illness, and she did nothing about it." No. I do not want that for my kids. So I'm doing what I can. I know it isn't just about me...the way I behave when I am manic or depressed affects other people around me, people I care about. Is it really fair to expect everyone to deal with my craziness? Yes, it is great to have support, and everyone needs it. But I can't just give myself over to this illness, this curse. I have to be proactive. So that is what I am doing.

It's going to be a busy summer...lots of house projects underway...several fences, a deck, some landscaping...it's going to be hard work but it always feels so good to have accomplished something.

Anxiety is killing me

I am going through such a difficult time right now. I noticed that since I have been off my medication, my anxiety has returned full force. It is absolutely terrible. I feel like I cannot function at all. I have always had a problem with anxiety and have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

I have anxiety about everything. And I mean literally EVERYTHING. I feel like I can barely make it through the day because it is so severe. I feel physically ill, I have been vomiting because my stomach is sick all the time and I feel horrible.

I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist Monday. I just saw her earlier this week but I feel like I am going to die. At this point I am willing to go back on medication. I don't necessarily want to but I know I cannot continue the way I am. My mental state is just getting worse and worse and if I don't try to do something about it I honestly do not know what will happen. I just can't handle it anymore.

At my last visit, she talked about trying me on a different medication, tegretol or depakote. But I think I want to go back to zyprexa. Thinking back on it, during the time I was on zyprexa, I had very little anxiety. I do believe it somehow helped in that regard. I have no idea if tegretol or depakote would help with it and I need some relief immediately. This is a hard choice for me to make but I know I need to.

Additionally, I have been scheduled for jury service for the month of May. It has only been contributing to my anxiety issues. I am going to try to get a note from my doctor and see if I can be excused from service. I am in no state mentally to be able to go in and deal with that. So hopefully, that will work out.

Parenting with a mental illness is hard - and had to sell our puppy :(

Parenting is hard, period. Anyone who has children can attest to this fact. But parenting when you have a mental illness is infinitely harder. I find that when I am going through emotional turmoil it becomes hard for me to focus on others, because I am so consumed with what is happening to me. I find that I am not as attentive as I should be, and I feel terrible about this. I do the best I can though, but sometimes it is hard to cope. I have found the past couple of weeks I have really been off in my own world. Luckily my husband has had a lot of time off and has been able to shoulder most of the responsibility when I can't handle taking care of the kids. Also my dad is a big help. He lives right around the corner from us and I know he is willing to take the girls at any time if I need help. I do love my kids more than anything - I want them to have a good life, a happy life. I want them to know that they are loved. I do not want them to grow up to hate me or feel that I was never there for them. That is my biggest concern, with this illness, is that it will impact them in a negative way, and I don't want that at all.

On another note, we unfortunately had to sell our puppy Talon. She was almost 9 months old and we raised her since she was a tiny pup. My husband and I were very sad to see her go but we knew it was for the best. My kids really did not care for her. She was very large, and would jump on them and playfully nip them, which scared them. There was constant chaos in the house trying to referee between the kids and the dog and it did not help my mental state at all. She also had problems with chewing (she recently chewed up the living room rugs, our TV remote and her own bed). She minded my husband well but would not listen to me, and since I am here alone without my husband most of the time it was just hard to deal with. She was a very loving dog though, always following me and wanting to sit with me and be petted. I admit I did cry after she left, I became attached to her despite all the problems. I will miss her big head in my lap and her saggy face. Goodbye Talon.

Perfectionism, emotional dependence and self image

As I mentioned in my last blog, I've always been an emotional person. I really do feel that my emotions rule my life. Which is not to say that I cannot think about things logically and rationally, but by far my emotional state is the biggest motivator of my behavior. Because of this, I've acquired a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms to try to function in life and get my emotional needs met.

From as early as I can remember, I have struggled with perfectionism. I held myself to an incredibly high standard and expected myself to do everything right all the time. Whenever I made a mistake I would beat myself up terribly. Of course, children don't analyze their feelings and recognize their motivations for doing things. But I have come to see that this desire for perfection stemmed from an emotional need to be loved, accepted and affirmed. I felt if I was perfect that I would get these things, and therefore would be happy. Of course it never really worked out that way. The harder I tried to be perfect, the more I would fail and negative feelings would consume me. I would feel stupid, ugly, worthless. In my adolescent years, I continued in this pattern of seeking perfection...I felt that if I did everything right all the time, people would love me, and give me those emotional things that I needed. I never really felt that I got that and so as a result, the negative feelings would return, I would become anxiety ridden, depressed and hopeless. In my adult life, nothing really changed. I felt if I was perfect, I would be able to acquire the love and acceptance that I so desperately craved. Nowadays my perfectionism has gone the opposite way. I realize I cannot be perfect. I realize I am doomed before I start. It keeps me from doing a lot of things because I fear that I will fail and be unworthy. It is a hindrance to me, but I don't know how to stop the feelings, how to stop this incessant need to be perfect.

Again, relating to my negative ways of coping, I have come to realize that I am extremely emotionally dependent on others. All my life I have been a person who is very sensitive...someone who needs a lot of assurance from others, particularly those close to me. I have tended to latch onto one particular person and rely on that person for everything I need. At times it was friends, other times it was romantic relationships. I would wrap my life around that one person, do everything with them, to the point where everything else just fell by the wayside. I really believe that I have relied so heavily on others because I have not been able to provide myself with the emotional things I need...I expect others to do it for me. I have trouble comforting myself, feeling secure by myself, feeling like a worthwhile person. So I cling to the one person I feel can provide those things to me. At times it has backfired. I have been dependent on people that did not treat me well, that hurt me very deeply. But I simply was afraid to be alone. I needed someone to take care of me and so I tolerated the bad treatment. It frustrates me so much to realize this because I don't want to be dependent on others. I wish I could make myself feel better. But at times, I become just like a child, seeking out that love, comfort, support, protection, feeling like a helpless invalid, unable to care for myself. It is a difficult way to live.

As a result of this, I struggle with defining who I am, with my sense of self. If others treat me well, I feel good, competent, worthy. If others treat me badly I feel bad, empty and worthless. At times it even has nothing to do with other people. At times it shifts without reason. My idea of self fluctuates frequently from one extreme to the other. I find myself questioning, who am I? My perception of myself changes, my goals, my core values, everything. I go from being extremely conservative to extremely liberal. I go from being intensely religious to completely non-religious. Again, I go from seeing myself as awesome, wonderful, perfect, to horrible, ugly, unworthy. This constant fluctuation leaves me feeling confused and lost. At times I feel so certain of who I am and at others I feel I don't have the slightest clue. I could be pushed in any direction the wind blows me.

So I am struggling with all of this now, all of these non-bipolar related issues. I don't know if I will ever be able to work them out, if I will ever be able to change. I don't believe that medication is the answer...I realize these emotional disturbances have probably been caused by environmental factors rather than some chemical brain imbalance. The question is, when you have always been this way, how do you ever fix it?

Feeling broken

Well I don't really know where to begin. I've been going through a rough time lately. I'm feeling pretty depressed, pretty down. But I don't really think it is bipolar related.

I realize that I have always been an emotionally unstable person. As far back as I can remember, even into early grade school I recall having emotional problems. Getting older, into adolescence, I had a very dysfunctional home life, and that only contributed to my feelings of emotional instability. I remember being about 15 years old, going through hell, and thinking "When I get older, things will get better." But the truth is, they never have. I'm turning 30 this year and mentally, I don't feel any different than I did back then. I suffer with anxiety, perfectionism, dependence, unstable self image. I feel as if there is an empty hole in my soul that I have been searching all my life for something to fill. And at times, I do feel better, and I'm able to function, and I don't think about it. But ultimately, it is all just a cover, and the emptiness always returns. I regress into a helpless, child like state where I need others to care for me, to protect me, to validate and affirm me. I try to alleviate the feelings of anxiety and self loathing in unhealthy ways, by both isolating myself as well as clinging onto the people close to me in my life. I have always been a person who is extremely sensitive, someone who needs a lot of love, a lot of affection and affirmation. Most of my life I don't feel that I received that which in turn, has magnified all my emotional issues. I feel lonely, confused, lost, broken. I have a pervading sense of being worthless, useless and empty that continues to plague me no matter how old I get or how much time passes. I wish I could be a "normal" person...a well adjusted person, a functioning person. But at times I just don't know how. I feel like I'm constantly using defense mechanisms to prevent myself from feeling so much negativity. Everything ties into everything else, and if only it could be a simple fix to say "Do this and that will go away" but with our mental health it is never that easy. The mind is the seat of all we are as human beings. When our minds are fractured and broken, it affects every part of our lives. So I'm left here now, not knowing what to do, feeling helpless and longing for elusive happiness and stability.

Gone off my meds

So here is the latest news - I have gone off of medication. After I started going high I did not want to come back down. So, I stopped taking my Zyprexa. Granted, I have been on a small dose for months, only 2.5 mg so it wasn't technically like going from a high dose to nothing. It's been about a week and a half or so since I've gone off and it's been a little crazy. I went from being UP to being in a complete daze, to being sooo angry to having delusions about aliens mind controlling me with medication. I haven't been sleeping well at all, I'd been falling asleep around 4 am and getting up around 8. Then I went 2 full days without any sleep simply because I couldn't. That was rough. It all passed though.

I do think I am going through medication withdrawals however. I've researched it a bit and found many other people who have gone off Zyprexa have experienced the same things. The biggest one is nausea...I feel queasy pretty much all the time and was actually vomiting this morning. Also my anxiety levels are sky high and my heart is just racing half the time for no apparent reason. The insomnia is still there, and I feel this strange sort of confusion in my brain that I don't know what to attribute to.

My psychiatrist does not yet know I have gone off my meds...I don't see her until April 10. I know she will likely be upset with me, she does not agree with me wanting to go med free. But ultimately, it is my life and I have to do what I feel is best for me at the time. I have been thinking about medication a lot, and realized that in a way, I feel that medication has stolen a part of my personality away. I've always been a super emotional person...very sensitive to things around me. I always felt things so intensely, good, bad or otherwise. Since being medicated, I really haven't felt that. Every day was the same...no real ups no real downs, just plugging along in the middle. I really feel that a miss that part of me. Additionally, since being on medication I have noticed my motivation is extremely low. I pretty much stopped doing any sort of hobbies...I stopped talking to a lot of people...I just had no will to do it. So I'd sit around day after day, in this mediocre state. I want to feel that desire to do things again...I want to live again. I think going off medication will help in that regard. In fact, I haven't written anything in nearly a year and just this last week, I started writing again. It's nice.

So I'm not advocating this route for everyone...certainly, some people need to be on medication all the time and I myself admit that at times I have needed it. But as a human being with free will I have to make up my own mind about it, just as everyone else does. Taking meds or not taking meds is a personal choice. There are some people that can function without it...there are some that can't. If the day comes when I feel things have gotten out of control, I know they are there for me, and that is comforting. But for the time being, I have to give this a shot. I need to try to find my happiness again.

In an unrelated note, it has been brought to my attention that there is a problem with the comments on my blog. Some people cannot post them and I cannot respond to comments either. I don't know what the glitch  is, but if you feel the desire to contact me, you can do so through my youtube channel. Find me under BipolarStateofBeing.

Feeling a little CrAzY!!!

Ok, so I have been fluctuating a bit lately. I had about a week or 2 of mild depression. Not super bad just a feeling of blahhhhhh. Then today I woke up feeling INSANELY energetic, just totally wound up! My husband could tell in my emails to him that I was feeling a little loopy. Haha. So I spent the better part of the morning dancing around my house like MaD, and cleaning non-stop. I wanted so badly to get out and go somewhere but the weather has been so crappy the past few days I didn't. SOOOOO I was stuck here at home going CRAZY!!! The energy was just non-stop, my brain felt like it was going a million different directions and I could barely even focus on anything.

In a (possibly?) related topic, I haven't been doing so great with my meds. I take them at night and lately I have been forgetting now and then. Plus half the time I can't remember if I have taken them or not, so instead of double dosing myself, if I can't remember I don't take them. I dunno if this is having any effect on my moods.

As I write it is taking me FOREVER because I am typing too fast and making a ton of typos and have to keep fixing them. ARGGGHHHHHH!!! *pulling hair* AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!