My big news...and my how fast kids grow

It has been quite some time since my last update...about 3 months or so. And yes there is a reason for that. For those of you who don't know I found out at the end of July that I AM PREGNANT. That's right folks...there is a mini-me growing in my belly as I type this.

It was a total and complete shock to me. We weren't planning on having any more kids. I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking "God, I've gained weight...I am getting fat." It occurred to me that my period was late and so I took an old home pregnancy test that I had lying in a drawer. I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative. I went to the store and got more and took about 5 more tests. They all came back positive. Talk about giving me the shock of my life. My first pregnancy was planned, so the feeling of being taken off guard and shocked that way was completely foreign to me. I didn't know what to think or how to feel at all. I actually think I was in denial for awhile.

So, from that moment on things have changed. I went off Zyprexa the day I found out I was pregnant. I do not want to take medication during pregnancy, especially one that has not been well studied and could potentially harm my child. So it was literally a split second decision. I'm pregnant? No more meds.

I didn't have much time to let things sink in because about a week after I found out I became sick as a dog. I'm talking the worst sickness you have ever seen. I would throw up at least 5 times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I couldn't keep down any food or even water. My husband said he had never seen anyone throw up that much in his life. Not only that, I was getting awful, almost migraine headaches constantly where I couldn't stand light or sound. I was 100% miserable and depressed. I was so sick and so weak that I would wake up, drag myself to somehow get my kids breakfast, and lay on the couch with the TV playing the whole day. And anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a TV watcher. But there was nothing else I could do. Thankfully my kids are old enough that they would occupy themselves the majority of the time playing together. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had 2 year olds that I had to take care of 24/7. I was so sick that several times my husband had to come home and take care of me and the kids. My dad, who is retired, did the same. He came over several times and picked up around the house, made me soup or would just take the girls out for awhile so I could rest.

About a month and a half in we went on vacation. Not because I wanted to (I didn't, and if we could have gotten out of it, we would have). But because it had been planned for a year and already paid for. No refunds. And we weren't about to lose out on thousands of dollars. So, sick as I was, we took our kids and went for 2 weeks. Needless to say it wasn't that great! I tried to put on a happy face for everyone but a week in, I said screw it. I feel terrible and I shouldn't have to pretend anymore.

After we got home, and it had been about 2 months since the sickness started, the vomiting started easing up. And with that, my attitude started to improve too. Currently, I'm about 17 weeks along (that's a little over 4 months and almost 1/2 way through the pregnancy.) I'm doing better than I was, healthwise, but still get sick a couple of times a week. Even though I don't vomit as much I am nauseous most of the time and the majority of food repulses me. So I don't eat much at all.I'm a bit worried about the baby not growing from a lack of nutrition but I do the best I can.

So that is the big news and my life is certainly changing in big ways now. I've had a couple of ultrasounds and was told they thought it was a boy. Haha! I am a terrible guesser. My first pregnancy, I thought I would have a boy. I got identical twin girls. This time I thought girl for sure, and they are telling me boy. I give up! I have felt the first movements about a week or two ago, and that is neat. At this point the baby is about the size of an apple they say. It's crazy to know that I'm going about my days and there is a little person chilling inside of me. Haha.

I was nervous at first about the whole pregnancy for so many reasons. I was nervous I wouldn't be able to handle the change since it was unplanned and seemed so sudden. I was nervous about going off meds, and how my body would react, and whether I would have serious episodes or not. And I was worried about the health of the baby because my first pregnancy had A LOT of complications and my children were very premature and sick when they were born. So for a long time I had constant worries and fears.

But, to my amazement, I am doing a lot better now! Just in the past 3 weeks or so I have noticed a huge change in my mood. I am no longer depressed. But I am not manic either. I actually feel NORMAL. It is a weiiiiiiiiiiiird feeling. I haven't felt this good in a long long time. Seems like pretty much from the onset of my first full blown manic episode 2.5 years ago, I was just riding a rollercoaster constantly. I was so confused so much of the time. Overall, I was not very happy. I isolated myself and muddled through the best I could.

Now, I feel positive again, I feel like the normal Nicole again. I find myself looking forward to things and planning things. I find that I am more capable of doing things and I don't feel as stressed. I guess, in a word, I feel STRONGER. Mentally stronger. Like even if my house crashed down around me, I would get through it. Like I said, my attitude is so much better than it has been. And I can only hope that it continues.

So that's what's been going on, quite a bit. Winter is here now and the snow has fallen. I think it will go quickly though because of the pregnancy. And its funny...I sometimes don't realize how much time has gone by until I look at my kids. Today, they put on nearly all their snow gear by themselves, and went outside in the backyard to play. It was quite strange to me, them being independent enough to do that. I tend to measure my kids according to seasons, maybe because that is when the change is obvious...when summer and winter first come. I looked at them today and thought "Last year, they couldn't do this. Last year, they still needed help dressing and they couldn't be left outside alone." Now I see how much they have grown and changed and it seems so fast. I don't know where the time goes...where our lives go. It is bittersweet.

That's the news and I'm sticking to it. Hope everyone settles into the season and enjoys the upcoming holidays.