Last post for awhile...next time I will be a mother of 3!

Well everyone, the time has come and this baby is going to make his appearance ANY TIME NOW!!!! I am sooooooooo ready. Have I said that yet? Haha. There is some info I plan on sharing in this post that may be too gross/graphic/TMI for some people so if anything about childbirth makes you queasy, you've been duly warned.

So in my last post I mentioned how I wasn't quite sure about the c-section decision anymore. And over the last month as I have gotten closer and closer to the end I have pretty much been thinking about the birth and labor every day. A month or 2 ago I sort of felt like I didn't care what happened. But now I feel like I do. With my twins, everything in the pregnancy went awry and I got NOTHING I wanted. Everything I had envisioned went out the window early on. I had wanted a natural birth, I wound up getting a c-section without ever going into labor at 30 weeks. Of course, I wanted to hold my babies after they were born like every mother dreams about - that special first moment that you have anticipated months, years, maybe your whole life. But my girls were too small and sick. So I didn't get that either. They were whisked away and I wound up worried, distressed and crying for the next 2 days. Not exactly what I had been dreaming about. I had wanted to try breastfeeding the girls. Guess what? Didn't get that either. By the time the first was big enough to try (2 months later) she simply wouldn't do it. My second daughter had medical issues that prevented her from digesting breast milk, so I never even got the opportunity to try with her. I was heartbroken. I didn't even get the normalcy of taking them home from the hospital like regular parents do...my sicker daughter wound up staying in the hospital almost 5 months. For a long time I felt sad about it all, and wished it had all been different, although I knew it had all been out of my control.

Life went on and of course I loved my girls and still bonded with them and they are great children to this day and the joy of my life. But thinking back on how I was robbed of everything that a mother looks forward to, everything a mother SHOULD have, has made me want things more this time. I kind of feel the need to have the experience that I never did the first time, since this will definitely be my last child and I will never experience this again. If I just went in and had the c-section without even trying I would never even know what being in labor was like. And I feel like I want that experience.

So, I have decided to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) Luckily, the hospital I will deliver at allows them...some hospitals don't. However, I do NOT want to be induced. So I decided if I did not go into labor spontaneously, I would go ahead with the c-section at a designated time. I now have a scheduled surgery date, but it is a week after my due date, so that gives me more time for my body to start things on its own. And I'm hopeful that it will.

Not only that but just within the last couple weeks I have been thinking seriously about having a non-medicated birth as well. I'm not really sure what got me to thinking about it actually, because I hate pain and am not someone who wants to suffer through it if there is a way to relieve it. But after doing a lot of research I learned some things about natural birth that I liked. They say labor is generally shorter. They say the likelihood of tears is less because you can feel and control your pushing. They say (or I should say, people who have done it say) they are more satisfied with their experience.

On top of that, I have realized that with my first birth I had zero control over anything, and this time I WANT IT! I intend on staying home as long as possible before going to the hospital. I don't want to be told how to sit/lay, I don't want to be on a monitor, I don't want people watching every little thing I do 24/7. I want to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I can.

So my husband and I went to a non-medicated childbirth class to learn about options and it was helpful to prepare me for what to expect. Granted, I have never experienced active labor and therefore have no idea how I will react to the pain. But I have a good attitude this time around. With the c-section, I was terrified. I didn't want it and didn't totally know what to expect. I cried the whole time. It was very traumatic. I am determined this time will be different. I'm not saying I am going to refuse meds no matter what...if it is truly unbearable, I will probably go ahead and take them. But I would at least like to try. My husband told me "But its going to hurt a lot." I explained that I know it will be painful but I feel it will be different from the c-section experience in one big way - I will know when the pain will end. Basically,  a natural labor will probably not go on beyond a couple of days, and with every contraction I will know I am closer to the end. With my c-section the pain was never ending. I expected to feel better within a few days yet it went on and on and on...it mentally became unbearable. I feel like I can deal with the pain, if it is finite.

Now that I have pretty much made up my mind about what I want to at least ATTEMPT, I am so ready to get the ball rolling!!! Every time I think things are starting and they aren't it drives me nuts. A couple weeks ago we were grocery shopping and I kept getting hardening in my belly and sharp pains. We came home and eventually, it passed. A few days later, the same thing happened at home. This time it lasted about 6 hours. I thought "Is this it?" but wasn't sure. Unfortunately it wasn't. A couple days later, it happened again and last for about 8 hours! I thought "Come on, let's get this show on the road!" I figured by then they were just the Braxton Hicks contractions everyone talks about. My stomach kept getting rock hard (but, I also did have cramping pains with it, so it was kind of confusing.) This past weekend I woke up with pretty bad pains in my belly. I got up and knew right away they were real contractions. They came every few minutes and hurt quite a bit. I paced around groaning, thinking "This is definitely it." I was hurting but excited. After a couple hours instead of getting worse, it started to go away and eventually stopped. I was soooooooo disappointed!!!

So now every single day I am hoping TODAY WILL BE THE DAY!!! I'm pretty sure I have lost my mucous plug and when I went to my check up a couple days ago the doctor said I was 1 cm. dilated and 75% effaced. That is good news but doesn't necessarily mean anything is going to happen immediately. She "swept the membranes" which is inserting a finger inside the cervix and pulling it away from the amniotic sac. It is supposed to stimulate hormones which may induce labor. I was very hopeful but so far nothing of real importance has happened. I may possibly have started leaking water earlier today but don't know for sure. A few hours ago I started having cramping pains yet again and thought "Maybe??? Just maybe???" But as I sit here writing I have been feeling ok for awhile so I assume it is nothing. POOOOOOOOOOO.

Physically, I think my body is just done. I have been taking it as easy as possible lately just because doing anything is too hard and is physically painful. The baby has moved so far down into my pelvis that I honest to God can barely walk. It feels like someone has beaten me between the legs with a baseball bat. I mean, I can't hardly get into or out of a vehicle, roll over in bed, sit on the couch or stand up, anything. It hurts SO BAD. My belly is HUGE and hurts the majority of the time. All I can think of is pushing this baby out so I can MOVE again. It's making me crabby because I don't like just sitting around and that is all I can do.

That's where I am at now!!! Just waiting, waiting, waiting and getting more and more frustrated by the day!!! I know the longer the baby is in, the bigger he gets and I don't want that! I had a feeling he would be large and a week ago his weight was estimated to be 8 lbs. 1 oz. YIKES. I certainly hope that was wrong!!! (Granted they do say U/S at the end can be off by 2 lbs. soooooo.....)

My mood has been fluctuating a bit, I know it is because of these pregnancy hormones though and being so close to the end. I feel a mixture of being happy and sad at the same time, then I feel nervous & apprehensive, then excited and giddy, and it just keeps going around and around.

So now it is suuuuuuuuuper late and I should be getting my rest. The next time I post I will be a mother of 3 and hopefully have some real photos to post of the wee one :)