What does bipolar FEEL like?

I’m going to try to get through this post, I wanted to write it last night but was so tired and had such a headache I just went to bed.

So, firstly, I really hate the mental health diagnostic system they have (i.e. the DSM). Even when you read about mental disorders in textbooks or other descriptions they simply read like a long list, and it really does no justice to the actual feelings and the actual experience of it. For example, a book might say,

“People with bipolar have the following symptoms: 

  Elated mood

  

 Irritability

         Distractability

         Impulsive behavior”

Ok, well, that can encompass a LOT. That’s like saying “I had a good day today.” Well, describe it! What made it good? How did it feel? It seems like the only people who talk about how it feels publicly are bloggers like myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a doctor really describe what a person with mental illness experiences other than the dry, bland stereotypical descriptions.

There are a couple bad things about this. 1) Everyone is constantly trying to lump themselves into these “categories”. And 2) No one really fits into those exact categories because so many people have multiple mental issues occurring simultaneously (such as bipolar and BPD, bipolar and OCD, etc.) You see the doctor and they want to figure out, are you having a manic episode? A mixed episode? Psychotic depression? Erratic mood swings from BPD? Dissociation?

The truth is there is no fine line, there is no real delineation between it all. My mood has been significantly altered lately and it has elements of all the things I’ve listed above. If I were to try to distinguish over the past week (or more) what “state” I was in I doubt I could. Maybe therein lies the problem. There really is no one “state”. Every state is simply a combination of many things you experience. I realize that we all must call it SOMEthing for the sake of clarity but in my view, I’d like to be as accurate as possible. So for now it involves just describing it all. Most would probably describe me as “manic” right now, but I think “altered” is more accurate.

Two nights ago I made an art video of what it FEELS like to live in this manner. I’d been wanting to make a professional movie like this for years and finally realized I could just use the programs I had on hand to at least give it a shot. I’d be going through all these mood states/mental disturbances and I wanted people to see not just the stereotypical list of symptoms but to see what it is like within our minds when these things occur, what the experience is like internally. If you’re interested in viewing, follow the link to watch ALTERED