So, I’m going to describe a bit of what has been going on
with me a little here and more in upcoming posts/videos, hopefully I can
because I fully realize that my mind is not functioning as it should right now.
It is very hard to concentrate.
I don’t know when this most recent period began. My moods
have been fairly erratic the last few months, and I now realize they are often
triggered by outside factors. I no longer see my bipolar/BPD/anxiety/depression
as discrete “disorders”. I see them as a combined form of 1 thing where at
times, one comes to the surface while others recede. However currently I’m
literally experiencing almost everything a human can simultaneously. So instead of referring to a particular
disorder I’m simply going to address what I’m experiencing.
The textbooks always talk about those “stereotypical”
behaviors – promiscuity, impulsive spending, reckless driving, yadda yadda
yadda. It’s safe to say I’ve experienced most of those textbook things. But the
thing I hate is they never describe what is going on internally when a person
is doing those things – what drives them to do it, what their internal state is
like. They generally just address outward behavior or “symptoms”.
I went off meds in January of this year. So it’s been almost
a year without them. Like most people who have taken psychoactive meds, I don’t
like doing it. (Post for another time). I was willing to accept the
fluctuations and deal accordingly. In the last week my anxiety symptoms and
mood fluctuations have become quite severe to the point that unfortunately, I have
resorted to taking some medication again to try to tame it to the point that is
manageable. I don’t mind going through the ups and downs. But when it gets to
the point that my mind is so confused/erratic/discombobulated, I literally have
a breakdown of mental functioning. I’m on my second day of resuming Zyprexa and
waiting to see how that goes. It tends to work quickly. Here are a couple
things I’ve noticed over this year (off meds).
2) I’ve also noticed that I’m particularly
sensitive to triggers in my environment. I’m far more affected by sensory input
than I once realized. It is frustrating because it can cause a pretty serious
dysregulation of mood. I have to try to find ways to mediate my surroundings
which can be difficult. I cannot tune out all the triggers or become “immune”
to them. Which sucks.
3) Altered mood states for me involve just about
everything. One misconception about bipolar or other similar mental illnesses
are that they involve just MOOD or EMOTIONS. Not true. It involves a distortion
of – time, memory, behavior, thought processing and others as well as emotion.
So basically, it’s “the whole shebang.”
So I’ve been feeling a lot of – well, everything! It can be
beautiful and horrible at the same time. Overwhelming feelings of pleasure
mixed with intense feelings of agony, periods of confused elation, agitated
elation, agitated anger. Periods of memory and time lapse, and dissociation
from my mind and body, both heightening and depression of my nervous system.
Well, it can make you an interesting person to be around or talk to, but it can
be exhausting to experience it, both physically and mentally. It’s like living
a constant paradox.
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