WOW, OK, so I have been having some crazy ups this past
week. I am only writing this quickly because I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP! I keep
meaning to go to bed and rest and then somehow I wind up doing stuff and then I
only get about 3 hours of sleep (generally because my mind is too busy) and
this has pretty much been the pattern this week. Tonight or tomorrow I know I
will just crash out.
I can’t remember if I mentioned this before in all those
posts I rushed through while I’ve been elevated (hmmm, kinda like now!) but if
I did, here it is again. And if not, well here it is.
I’ve noticed that at some point in time my moods really shifted.
Meaning, 10 years ago I dealt predominantly with depression, probably 75%
depression and 25% of hyper periods, just not that often at all to really even
notice or disrupt me. Now, in the last several years it’s like the scale is
getting weighted heavily in the other direction. I spend far more time “up”
than down. I’d say it’s like 75% up and 25% depressed now! It’s really very
strange to me. And I don’t know how to explain it. Obviously I will take the
ups over the downs any time. I am finding life quite a bit more enjoyable now
actually (well, who wouldn’t if you had the choice of elation or depression?)
Or maybe I should say, the experiences I have are more enjoyable because of
being in a more positive state.
I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 days dancing and
singing in my living room with my kids. It was awesome! They were having a
blast. At one point my daughter said “Mama I wish I was on stage singing RIGHT
NOW!” Haha it was so cute. Then my other daughter noted how we had been
listening to music and dancing pretty much all day since breakfast. They did not want to stop when it was time to eat, they were having such a blast! So was I. So even though it
is boring winter and cold out now we managed to entertain ourselves for quite
some time because I had so much random energy.
I’ve also been having quite a bit of “crossing over” of
emotion which seems to be getting more common now for me. Meaning, (and please
don’t take this offensively anyone!) it feels like I’m having a panic attack
and on the brink of orgasm at the same time. It’s sort of that feeling of being
on the precipice but for a realllllly long time, which actually can
be strangely enjoyable, but very taxing on the body, even if you are doing nothing but sitting there! Your heart races, you hyperventilate, you get restless & jittery, feeling all sorts of sensations coursing through your body. However once it goes on too long, I generally have to take
something sedating because I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!!! It
is really peculiar, especially because fear and sexual pleasure aren’t exactly
best friends. In the past I don’t recall even having stuff like this
intertwined. It really leads me to believe even more that anxiety and “mania”
are related physiologically somehow, because these things are happening
simultaneously. Or, I might get mad/upset and excited at the same time too!
Talk about weird. Being sad and being excited don’t seem to combine for me
though. (Sounds obvious but given what I just said, maybe not so much.)
So that is that, my addled brain. I’m also inclined now to
believe that the mood experiences of “mania” or elevated states are similar to those
in drug use/addiction. This is something I REALLY REALLY plan to look into.
There is a definite connection somehow. (I wanted to make a video about this earlier but was way too giddy and knew everyone would be flaming me if I did, so I didn't.) But anyway, it is way too late for all that at the
moment :)
Off to bed for me….if I can shut off my brain. Much love to everyone!
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