So overly EXCITED and tons of ENERGY

WOW, OK, so I have been having some crazy ups this past week. I am only writing this quickly because I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP! I keep meaning to go to bed and rest and then somehow I wind up doing stuff and then I only get about 3 hours of sleep (generally because my mind is too busy) and this has pretty much been the pattern this week. Tonight or tomorrow I know I will just crash out.

I can’t remember if I mentioned this before in all those posts I rushed through while I’ve been elevated (hmmm, kinda like now!) but if I did, here it is again. And if not, well here it is.

I’ve noticed that at some point in time my moods really shifted. Meaning, 10 years ago I dealt predominantly with depression, probably 75% depression and 25% of hyper periods, just not that often at all to really even notice or disrupt me. Now, in the last several years it’s like the scale is getting weighted heavily in the other direction. I spend far more time “up” than down. I’d say it’s like 75% up and 25% depressed now! It’s really very strange to me. And I don’t know how to explain it. Obviously I will take the ups over the downs any time. I am finding life quite a bit more enjoyable now actually (well, who wouldn’t if you had the choice of elation or depression?) Or maybe I should say, the experiences I have are more enjoyable because of being in a more positive state.

I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 days dancing and singing in my living room with my kids. It was awesome! They were having a blast. At one point my daughter said “Mama I wish I was on stage singing RIGHT NOW!” Haha it was so cute. Then my other daughter noted how we had been listening to music and dancing pretty much all day since breakfast. They did not want to stop when it was time to eat, they were having such a blast! So was I. So even though it is boring winter and cold out now we managed to entertain ourselves for quite some time because I had so much random energy.

I’ve also been having quite a bit of “crossing over” of emotion which seems to be getting more common now for me. Meaning, (and please don’t take this offensively anyone!) it feels like I’m having a panic attack and on the brink of orgasm at the same time. It’s sort of that feeling of being on the precipice but for a realllllly long time, which actually can be strangely enjoyable, but very taxing on the body, even if you are doing nothing but sitting there! Your heart races, you hyperventilate, you get restless & jittery, feeling all sorts of sensations coursing through your body. However once it goes on too long, I generally have to take something sedating because I feel like I am going to have a heart attack!!! It is really peculiar, especially because fear and sexual pleasure aren’t exactly best friends. In the past I don’t recall even having stuff like this intertwined. It really leads me to believe even more that anxiety and “mania” are related physiologically somehow, because these things are happening simultaneously. Or, I might get mad/upset and excited at the same time too! Talk about weird. Being sad and being excited don’t seem to combine for me though. (Sounds obvious but given what I just said, maybe not so much.)

So that is that, my addled brain. I’m also inclined now to believe that the mood experiences of “mania” or elevated states are similar to those in drug use/addiction. This is something I REALLY REALLY plan to look into. There is a definite connection somehow. (I wanted to make a video about this earlier but was way too giddy and knew everyone would be flaming me if I did, so I didn't.) But anyway, it is way too late for all that at the moment :) Off to bed for me….if I can shut off my brain. Much love to everyone!

Jack, the Pumpkin King!

Since I posted a few days ago about the cake I was working on I had to put up a couple finished product pics. I was pretty happy in the end although it wasn't perfect (ughhh, the perfectionist in me sees every flaw!) But nevertheless, the teacher said it was a total hit and it raised $85 and sold something like 320 tickets. Pretty cool! So here he is: Jack, the Pumpkin King (from the Nightmare Before Christmas for anyone who is unfamiliar.)

 

SHOPPING SPREES! Really weird and random stuffffff

Shopping sprees, all women love them right??? I’m going to say yes. Yes they do. I tend to buy a lot of clothes but the thing that stinks is where I live I can’t wear half of them because of the cold weather and icy conditions half the year. Can’t really walk around in heels and shorts on the ice…well…I guess I could look like these people…yeahhhh!!!

Ok, no. But seriously, I haven’t spent money on clothes in quite awhile because I’m actually getting rid of stuff so I can move and not have 5 billion things to bring. So my wardrobe is getting considerably smaller. But I just get these cravings for something new every now and again (ok, a lotttttt). I recently bought this adorable flannel shirt…and some tall boots (I needed winter boots and I am totally digging this tall boot fad for a cold climate like mine.)(Also I rarely post pics on this blog but you know, I have to show all my cute stuff!!!)

So then I got this super cute outfit…

The shoes I have had for TWO YEARS and have not gotten to wear! (First I was pregnant and too chubby to wear them, then it wasn’t really feasible to wear shoes like this to cart a 6 month old around…) Sadly I only wore these shoes for these pictures this weekend!!! Big fat WAHHHHHHH. They are soooooo cute. I even had to get a pic of just the shoes…(No foot fetish people, please! I actually did date a guy once who told me he had a foot fetish. I thought he was joking. But then he tried to suck on my toes on like our second date and wanted to take pictures of my feet. Creepy! I’m sure he would love this pic…LOL) Anyhow…the shoes!

I love cute shoes. I have a bunch I got for Christmas when I was pregnant that I still haven’t worn. Here they are (yeah there are a bunch)! I can’t wear them so I am getting joy just by posting about them here! Haha.

And thheeeeeese….yeahhh…I didn’t need them but I HAD to have them. I ordered these like a week ago. Haven’t got them yet. So cute. 

I cannot wait to be in a warm climate where I can actually wear this cute stuff instead of this stuff.

 

And I haven’t bought this but ahhhhh it’s so cute and so cheesy! (Do you ever see stuff that is just so dorky you can’t help but love it!?? This reminds me of a sweater my best friend had in 5^th grade that we called “The Unicorn Sweaty”!!!! See, it has a whole story unto itself!!! I have to have it…I seriously think I am going to buy it. Hehehehehe :P

Alright I need to go to bed. It is late, I have school stuff to do with my kids tomorrow. Wheeeeeeeeee! I’ll go dream of wearing all these cute things....

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of all this is

I don’t even know where to begin this or if I will post it. I alternate with writing in my journal privately and stuff that I post here. I tend to have a bit of a problem with self-disclosure. I overshare. So it’s always a battle to try to decide what to post and what not to post, what is “too much information.”

Anyway I am really feeling miserable today. I really feel just angry and like crying at the same time. There’s a little TMI for you…sometimes, when I get really REALLY angry, I start crying. Doesn’t happen often but when it does it makes me even angrier! Especially if someone is around because they assume I’m sad when really I just want to smash something. I think it’s more of a result of trying to hold anger in. That and probably a bunch of frustration thrown in.

I’m just sitting here listening to angry & depressed music, thinking about all the reasons I feel crappy. And I’m just going to go off about it now.

I feel crappy because I have been sick off and on for a month. I’ve literally been to the doctor 3 times this month for different ailments! I know it partially due to stress and my immune system being compromised. It becomes so mentally draining. I want to go to sleep for a week but I can’t. Not really an option. I have kids, and their issues to deal with. But you know, no one can be “on” all the time. It’s impossible.

I volunteered to make a cake for the fall carnival at my kid’s school. Then I got sick. Now I’ve been rushing around trying to get it worked on (caking is a hobby of mine, so I don’t just throw a mix in a mixer. I make everything from scratch and usually each cake is a 10+ hour endeavor.) So I had this awesome idea and got it pieced together last night only to awake this morning to find my skeleton (cake topper) falling apart and cracking! I’m soooooo mad and upset about it. Not just because it’s not hardening like it should, but because I am doing this for a raffle to raise money for the school. And I’m thinking, who is going to buy this f*%^ed up cake if I can’t fix it??!?!? I have til about 1 PM tomorrow to figure it out *depressed sigh*

We bought a new car today. Ok, it’s not a “new” car. It’s new to us. We needed something so that I could take my girls to school. They have been having issues with problems on the bus and refusing to go to school. They somewhat agree if we drive them (to be fair, it is mostly one of my girls.) We were trying to get by with 1 vehicle for the next year because we plan on moving across country. But with all this huge stuff going on with my kids, it wasn’t feasible. So we bought a mini-van. Yeah, I am now that mom. It’s cool because it’s got a lot of convenient stuff for a person with small children. And my kids really wanted a mini-van, they think they are “so fun”. So now, I have turned over MY TRUCK (which is like my baby) to my husband. It sounds like a stupid thing to be upset about right? I mean, it’s just a car. But it’s my car. It’s big and shiny and has personalized plates and bright pink seat covers…it’s always been good to me. I really love it. On the way home from getting the new mini-van my husband says “The first thing I need to do is get rid of these seat covers!” I’m sure he will drive it around at 80 MPH all the time and in a year it will be a dented piece of $h*t.

We were so busy today we wound up going out to eat with the kids at a sit down restaurant. They were so wild, especially my son. He was flailing and fussing and trying to run away most of the time. It was so stressful, I could barely get any food down because I was just trying to manage the situation. Enjoyable family time? Yeah right.

Life is boring. The past two days I have just been plagued by this overwhelming sense of boredom and blah-ness. Part of it is the weather. I hate it where I live, and I hate winter, period. There is nothing to do in winter, there is nothing to do where I live. Which is why I am moving soon, away from cold and snow and boring isolation.

But even beyond that, life is just boring. It just seems sometimes like everything is recycled. You get excited about something but then it lasts a short while and it’s over. You have to find something else to get excited about. Once you’ve experienced something once, it’s like it all becomes the same. You’ve had sex once, you’ve done it a million times. You’ve eaten one piece of chocolate mousse, you’ve eaten a million. You’ve watched one movie, you’ve seen them all. You know what I mean? There is no real point. It’s just various versions of the same thing. But we’re always seeking out distractions, diversions from the monotony of life.

I live a life without love. Not entirely – I love my kids and they love me. In fact I would say they are the “loves of my life”. The only things (besides God) that I do love. But I guess I mean love in an adult sense. Romantic love, partner love. I sort of gave up long ago on the idea, and I accepted that. I was fully prepared to live life alone and just do it on my own. Detached? Jaded? Maybe. But functional. Then when my husband moved back in, everything became f*%#ed up again. Being constantly confronted with negativity and hostility takes a toll. I waffle between being hopeful and hopeless about it. Most of the time I just don’t care. Like I say, I’m detached. It’s a weird feeling. My motto a long time ago became “It is what it is.” I even found this at the store months back. I contemplated buying it.

I did see a young couple today though, and they brought me kind of low. I was in our new mini-van, waiting for my husband and daughter to get a few things while my son was napping. A car pulled up across from us, and there was a young couple. They were laughing and smiling and when they parked they just sat talking. Then they had a cute little peck. Then they held each other’s faces and kissed tenderly. They sat quite a while, talking, laughing, kissing in the darkened night, thinking no one could see. It was very sweet. I remembered being that young person like them, sharing those moments of laughter with someone I loved, being so hopeful. Then you make choices, you grow up, you realize life didn’t turn out the way you hoped. And you can’t turn back time. Life is what it is now, and I accept that.

So there is my bleak outlook on life for now.

 I could go on and on…but I won’t. Just life. Everyday life.

Irate at misinformation and ignorant characterizations of people with bipolar/borderline/mental illness!!!

It is scary how much lack of information or misinformation there is out there regarding mental illness. I think this is obvious to anyone who deals with these issues personally, but it never ceases to amaze me, no matter how much time passes. I think it’s getting worse in this age of technology. So many people post things online and anyone can access them and read them and think “Oh, this is the way it is” or “Oh, this is true.” Granted, truth is subjective in nature, depending on what you’re looking into. The “truth” of one person’s experience may not be “truth” to another person. I am all for sharing personal experiences because I think that is really how we all learn more about mental disorders and how the brain works and functions. If no one ever shared, very little would be gained. We would be subject to the interpretations (often wrong) of the doctors and authorities and those around us. That is why I think it so important for mental health patients to speak about their experiences, and to educate the public and educate doctors and clinicians as well.

I have noticed when I do research on mental health topics I find interesting, there is ALWAYS misinformation that pops up. Sometimes it is just a random opinion of someone that is inaccurate or ignorant. Sometimes it is information that is actually posted on what many consider to be REPUTABLE sites! A HUGE offender is the website “PsychCentral”. I have seen so much offensive, inaccurate, erroneous information regarding mental health on that website that frankly, it is scary.

I have also noticed several websites of private psychiatrists, psychologists and the like describing mental health afflictions like bipolar and borderline. I’ve been appalled at how many of these characterizations are over simplified or simply WRONG. I think this is due to a few things. 

A) These clinicians do not LIVE with these issues personally therefore they lack an inherent understanding of them and how they work or feel on an internal level. They use themselves as a reference point and assume that they know what all people are feeling or thinking when they don’t. They’re simply projecting their own thoughts onto others and making generalizations based on that. 

B) Their knowledge base mainly stems from what I would call “textbook knowledge” or what they learned while in graduate school. A person can have all the book knowledge in the world but without a deeper understanding and intuition into the area, they will not “get it”, they will not truly be able to piece things together on a visceral level or in a holistic way. I’ve dealt with many clinicians who even years into their profession, discussed disorders in a “textbook” way only. I liken it to male gynecolegists/obstetricians. Sure, they have some knowledge. But could they ever REALLY know what it is like to carry a child and give birth, and advise someone accordingly? Not really. Their answers will always involve “textbook” replies. They take a pre-set model (which may not even be accurate to begin with) and they then apply this model to their patients. If a patient presents differently, it is assumed it is the patient that is wrong, and not the pre-set model. I think in a way so many doctors today lack problem solving skills or critical thinking ability. They may be able to recite a long list of medications and textbook presentations of known illnesses but beyond that, they can’t really offer much. 

C) They have biases. Let’s face it. EVERYONE has biases whether they realize it or not. How we grew up, our religious (or lack of religious) views, our experiences with particular groups of people – these all influence our thoughts and opinions. The problem with bias is when it causes a person (or people) to make unfair generalizations about others. To say “People with bipolar disorder have difficulty regulating their emotions” would be accurate. I doubt anyone with bipolar would take offense to such wording. But to say “People with bipolar are angry and lack self-control” is not totally accurate. Are some people with bipolar that way? Sure. Is EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. with bipolar that way? Uh, no. People on the “outside” who are looking for information may take it as true and then THEY have a negative pre-set model in their head, if they were ever to meet such an individual. They would already have a preconceived notion and bias themselves, just because of what some random doctor said. (And while I’m at it, I just have to mention, they obviously aren’t even good doctors at all or they would know their characterizations were incorrect and lack sensitivity.)

It bothers me SO much because I think how an unknowing individual might go searching for information and what do they get? Search results with a bunch of garbage mixed in with some pertinent information or accurate/helpful insights here and there. I recall searching for information years back and being disheartened by it. It was filled with negative messages and despair about how the disorders were hard to treat, there was no cure, the people were “difficult” etc. All the horrible stigma surrounding them is actually in these cases increased by the very people who are supposed to be advocating for these people, their patients! If I read one more doctor talk about how “manipulative” BPD patients are and how they “lack empathy” I think I will reach through my screen and choke them (Oh, how BORDERLINE of me – I must be exhibiting some psychopathology by that comment! *note sarcasm*)

Characterizations like that convince me that these psychiatrists/counselors lack knowledge, understanding and even compassion, and have an inability to see their patients or anyone with a mental disorder as human beings. They are talked about as if they are mere things, like they are without feelings, consciousness or souls. And frankly, it makes me irate. Why? Because all people want to be heard and to be understood. And people who deal with mental health issues certainly don’t need people within the mental health field making them feel worse about the very things they are trying to work on or improve, or characterizing them in pompous, condescending ways. I can’t help but wonder why people get into this field if they lack that fundamental empathy and compassion for those they are supposed to help?

So, what happened to all the GOOD doctors in the world? Are there any left?

Bipolar mania, and wanting to claw my brain out

So guys, you want to know one reason why mania sucks? I will tell you. It’s having a million thoughts in your head that you know will take days/weeks to flush out sufficiently, yet wanting to complete them all RIGHT. THIS. SECOND. And not being able to! EPIC FRUSTRATION!!!!!

OH MY GOSH I feel like I want to claw my own brain out of my head. Weird description,eh? I recently returned from a family dinner and Spiderman 2 was playing and I couldn’t concentrate on the movie at all. Why? Because seeing all the flashing lights and hearing the thumping music made my mental state speed up and suddenly all these thoughts started coming to me. I began searching for information on various stuff online, and writing down all my mental notes in my phone (I do this often.) I wanted to come home and write all these blogs and make all these videos. But you know, it is 10:28 PM now and I there is no way I can write 14 blogs/make 14 videos and post them all in the next 2 hours. But I feel like I will explode mentally and physically if I don’t! Even weirder? I’m not even as elevated or altered as I have been this past week. It’s actually been much more intense than this. Here’s a look at my past week.

That is my pathetic 1 minute chart drawn with my daughters crayon because it was the closest thing to me. Hopefully it at least partially gets my current mental/mood state across to you all.

Why the steep drop? I took a low dose of some anti-psychotic meds and that brought me closer to “normal” after a couple days. I didn’t take it last night and I am halfway back up to where I began. Keep in mind, this is just an overview of the last week, nothing before that. My mental state has been erratic for awhile.