Separating and moving forward in 2014...a new year and a new life

Well my friends, so much has happened since the last time I posted anything! It’s now 2014 and I am convinced that this is going to be my year. Most of 2013 was pretty awful and I’m feeling so much happier and more positive now. So let me catch you all up…

In a nutshell, at the start of 2013, I was pregnant, off meds, and out of counseling. Over the course of the year, I gave birth to my son, watched my marriage disintegrate, reentered individual counseling, restarted bipolar meds, and just in general, rode a crazy rollercoaster of emotion from day to day and week to week. I had some good stuff in there but overall, it was pretty icky. But now, 2013 is over, and with it, the end of one part of my life and beginning of another.

The biggest news is that my husband and I separated in December and are now living apart. It has been about 6 weeks and I’ve run the gamut of emotions thus far. Obviously, it’s  a huge life change. We have been together close to a decade and now I am faced with moving forward in my life without him. It was hard at first to admit that it was all really happening although I had seen it coming for a long, long time. I’ve felt the anger, the sadness, the regret, all of it and more. And finally, in the past week, I have started for the first time in years to feel real hope. Not a hope of reconciliation, or a mending of the relationship. But a hope for a better life. Hope for fulfillment. Hope for happiness.

Letting go of any relationship isn’t easy, whether that relationship was good or bad. It’s a process over time. Maybe because I saw this coming long ago I was in ways already mentally prepared. I don’t think most people would be ready to move on with their lives 6 weeks into a marital separation but that’s where I am. The truth is, we’ve been moving in different directions for the last year or two. And I’ve been having a lot of realizations and epiphanies over that time. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision to split up. It was thought about many, many times and in many different ways. I don’t want to get into the details of my personal life but I will just quote my counselor here and say “Sometimes, there is TOO MUCH water under the bridge.” And I believe that is true. Sometimes, too many things have been done to be undone or fixed. It is what it is. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Radical acceptance.

So let me go off track a little here and say I’m working with a new counselor and part of the therapy is working on DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That’s where the radical acceptance comes from. Accepting what is, without judgment. Accepting that everything that happened before has led me to this point in life. The good, the bad. It has all happened…I cannot change the past. I can only move forward. Truthfully I was working on this mindset before I even knew what DBT or radical acceptance was. But I really think this is a life changing idea. It can be applied to so many things, so many situations. It helps keep perspective. It helps remind me not to get caught up only in emotions but to use my wise mind, the melding of both emotion and logic. Not just one or the other…not just black or white. This has been a difficult concept for me. I think the majority of my life, I’ve been polarized. Good vs. bad. Love vs. hate. Friend vs. enemy. Emotion vs. logic. No middle ground. But I’m starting to move away from that. In truth, I feel quite enlightened. Despite all the crappiness going on in my life, I feel good. I feel a peace and centeredness that was not there before. I feel I have the strength to move forward instead of being mired in the sludge of defeat.

I have known for a long time that our outer world (family, relationships, jobs, environment) affects our inner world (ideas, beliefs, feelings). But it is only at this point in my life that I can really see in interconnectedness of the two. For so many years of my life, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t really see that things on the outside were affecting my mental state so drastically – not just the big events but things on a day to day basis. I felt sad and hopeless, like I was broken, useless. I had felt that way as a child and it followed me all through my life. I thought I would never be free of it ever. I thought, this is my lot in life. I should accept it because it will never change.

But I was wrong. In breaking away from toxic relationships I am amazed at the change in my  attitude. The world already seems like a sunnier place. Granted, yes, I still have a ton of mental issues, and I will continue to work on those, to gain insight, to learn, to make changes. But for the first time in my life, I actually feel that I can do this on my own. With each day that passes and each thing I accomplish, I feel more confident. I feel happier. There is something to be said for independence…the strength that it takes to carry on and make it through, not only to survive but to thrive. It’s a good feeling.

And truth be told, I am finding that I actually like life on my own. I’ve always felt that I needed a romantic love to be fulfilled but I see that is not true. There are a lot of kinds of love…family, friends, children. I don’t feel the extreme NEED to have a romantic lover anymore. What I value and desire is deeper than that. Caring, support, compassion, comraderie. Unconditional love.  I’m finding the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from those things in the various other relationships in my life, away from a marriage or romantic partnership. Maybe that’s strange, maybe not. I honestly do not see myself getting into another long term romantic relationship, ever. It simply is not what I want.

So, now, I’m doing well. My new year is off to a wonderful start. With 2013, I saw the end of a long, long chapter. Well, a whole bunch of bad chapters to be honest! Even before this year began I was determined to make lasting changes. So here are the changes that have happened, are happening and will be happening:

*** I’M TAKING CARE OF MY BODY. This involves the following things:

1)     I QUIT SMOKING. It’s been about a month since I quit and I’m feeling awesome about it. It was a bad habit I’d been wanting to get away from for a long time but always returned to it because of the stress of my relationship. With the end of the relationship I don’t feel the need to release stress in this unhealthy way.

2)     I STARTED EXERCISING. Over the summer I started working out, running on a track near my home. When winter came I stopped, because I’ve never been a gym person and to be honest, I felt self-conscious even at just the thought of going into the gym. But now, I’ve started going and running there. I’m also working out at home. The benefits to both my mind and body from these changes alone are amazing. I feel more confident, competent, and in control.

3)     I STARTED CARING MORE ABOUT MY EATING HABITS. I used to be a junk food junkie. I ate candy constantly, and had an ENTIRE CABINET devoted to candy. That’s right. That is how much I loved candy and sweets. Not only have I cut way back on that, I’m eating healthier in general. I’m drinking a lot of water and less caffeine. I’m more aware of what I put into my body, and caring for it. Before I skipped eating because I felt I had no time. Now I am making an effort to take that time.

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY MIND. Here’s how:

1)     I’M TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF. I have rarely taken time for myself in the last few years, and especially since I had my son 9 months ago. Time was a luxury I did not have, and when I did have time, I usually spent it doing things for others. I felt completely unappreciated and burned out. Now, just allotting a few hours of time for myself per week is making a huge difference. I am able to do whatever it is I want to do at that moment, whether it’s shopping, crafting, writing, just for myself. Its completely delectable!!!

2)     I’M BECOMING MORE INDEPENDENT. In the past I have had a tendency to become dependent on my romantic partners, mentally. Since I have had children I’ve also been dependent on my husband, physically and financially. I’m working on becoming more independent in both of those areas. I am taking on small household projecst that I would normally relegate to my husband as the man’s job. With each thing I do, my confidence grows and I realize, I really CAN do these things for myself! In the near future I will be looking for a job, and once I have a source of my own income again I know I will feel even better and much less helpless and reliant on others. 

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. This is a huge one, that has gotten neglected because most of my energy went to maintaining my marriage. Now that I no longer have to do that, I can focus the energy to places that have been lacking.

1)     SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THE CHILDREN. I’m getting the opportunity to spend more quality time with my kids. I used to have all 3 of them, pretty much all the time by myself. It was difficult to say the least and they had very little interaction with their dad. Now that we are living apart, they still spend most of the time with me, but also spend alone time with dad. We alternate kids so that we each get to spend quality time with each child and it is really going well. I feel so happy and no longer feel that I am missing out on everything they are doing from being tired/overworked/overwhelmed with the demands of daily life. The kids are really enjoying it too and I have seen a vast improvement in their general attitude in the last few weeks now that they have a more stable home environment.

2)     MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH FRIENDS. This area of my life always seems to suffer as my romantic relationships tend to force out any time/space for friends. Now, instead of turning to my husband I have been forced to find outside support and as a result I have rekindled several long term friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I feel I have so many great support people in my life now. Every day, I talk to a friend or family member in some capacity whether it be email, texting, talking on the phone or visiting in person. It feels sooooo awesome and I really feel loved and cared for.

Soooooooo, as you can see, I am really doing very well. The separation, as sad as it is and as much as I wanted things to work out, has been a catalyst for exciting changes that are doing wonders for my mental state. I truly hope to be able to maintain these changes for a general style of living that is vastly different than before. There are still more changes I want to make, and day by day, I’m finding new ways to bring joy and fulfillment to my life. As I said 2014 is shaping up to be a fantastic year.

War Zone

My world has crumbled down around me

I watched it as it fell, helpless to keep it whole

I could not stop the inevitable progression

First one brick, then another

Til it all tumbled down

And spiraled out of control

And the pain I feel is like a massive missile

Has been projected directly into my heart

Piercing it, exploding with such magnitude

That there are a hundred pieces of me blown apart

Coagulated bits of blood and flesh here and there

A clump of tangled hair

A stump of a limb, with raw nerves exposed

And my mind, just alive enough to see the wreckage and know the end is imminent

Just waiting for that moment to come

Feeling like a thousand eternities

Awaiting the second it will all be snuffed out

And the pain will end

Because there is no one around

To make this swift

No one to show mercy

No one

But me

9/8/2013

Trauma

My breathing has become slow and shallow now

My body and mind exhausted, worn down

From days upon days of heightened senses

And the height of the trauma has been reached

Hit its climax, senses having been stressed

So strong, and so long

Heart racing, body shaking, hyperventilating

Mind exploding

At the thoughts of you

And I can barely keep my eyes open to write this

Weary and weak

The motor burned to a crisp

Blackened and charred

Barely ticking anymore

Like an endless row of fireworks

Rising up from the ground

Whistling as they soar up and up

Higher, higher, higher, one after the other

And finally exploding with deafening force

Talons of piercing light shooting out, flashing and crackling away

With every memory brought up

They begin anew

With such ferocity

The town awakens in fear

Now with the fading of light

I’m left here, nearly dead

The skeletons having been dredged up from the murky waters beneath

Exhumed, leaving the silt and detritus to settle

And me, looking around at the bodies

Shell shocked

Not knowing where to go from here

9/8/2013

Borderline

Love and hate

They seem like such simple concepts to grasp

Such basic emotions that we feel deep down on a fundamental level

We love the things that are good

And loathe the things that are bad

And it sounds so very simple

That no one could mistake one for the other

No one could confuse the two

But that is how I live

And where I exist

The love/hate dichotomy is one that makes no sense to me

And therein lies the problem

If I cannot separate out

Two such diametrically opposed emotions

How can I understand myself

Or anything around me?

I understand love

And I understand hate

Two opposite ends of a spectrum

That do not meet in the middle

So when I’m confronted with a situation

Where love and hate converge

I cannot understand, I cannot make sense of it all

Like being told it is night and day at the same time

Black and white

Logically I know it can’t be true

Rational thinking tells me so

But the feelings are still there

Co-mingling

And it has caused a split inside of me

With my mind fractured into a million pieces

A complete breakdown of function

The inner conflict unresolved

Left to roil and bubble

To stew and fester and eat at me like a cancer

Nagging and nagging

The two parts being drawn together, yet pushed apart

Like magnets

And everything I thought I knew is in question

Love and hate

Right and wrong

Good and bad

I do not know what is what

I cannot trust my own mind

It’s a torment that I live with

Day after day after day

Unending

Hating you and loving you at the same time

On the borderline

9/8/2013

Puzzle Pieces

This will not be easy

This will not be quick

This is only a tiny grain of sand in a pail

The first baby steps toward making sense of this all

All the confusion and pain that I have masked, buried, ignored, projected and now finally

I must own it

I cannot live this way anymore

With everything I bury, I push myself closer to the edge

The feeling of spinning out of control

Eating me like a disease

And I feel so disgusted with myself, with everyone, with the world

That there is no escape

And I feel like tearing my body to shreds

I want to seep out and float away

But there is no way

This is only one piece in a puzzle

I must come to terms with what was

I must accept the things I cannot change

And change the things I can

I must stop pushing it down, down, down into the pit of my belly

Where it burbles and pulses and ultimately comes back up

More violently than before

I cannot let these feelings consume me

Like a devouring fire

Raging through and burning things beyond recognition

So I go back to the beginning

I must pull away all the pieces obscuring what is

I must face it in the light

I must let go

I must take back the power that was stolen

9/6/2013

Fascinating article on child and teen brain development

This article fascinated me...It talks about research done that shows the changes that happen in the brain during adolescent years, as opposed to early childhood, and how that is one of the most crucial times of development and affects us throughout life. I always wondered why I had more memories in general from the year I turned 12, as well as why things that happened then seemed to affect me more than anything previous to that. Now it is starting to make sense.

Frontline: Adolescent Brains are a Work in Progress

Exceptional children

Well, since this IS my blog and I can post whatever I want, I decided to get on my soap box and brag on my kids a little bit :) I'm not the type to normally do this because I think their actions speak for themselves, and I don't want to make other people feel bad or like I think my kids are better than theirs. But I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge publicly how special and talented my kids really are, and how very proud I am of them and glad to be their mom.

I've known from early on that my girls were on the gifted side. At around the age of 2 or so, when they were supposed to have about a 10 word vocabulary, theirs was somewhere around 100 (I know for a fact because I used to keep track of every word they could say once I realized they knew so much). They were never really interested in television. Their minds were too active and they were busy playing make believe ALL DAY. Now of course, at a young age none of that may mean anything.

Now at the age of 5 they have advanced and progressed far past what I thought they would have. Their vocabularies are HUGE. Not only do they know "adult" words but they use them in context. For example, after giving one of my girls a cadbury egg, she held it in her hand a minute before opening. When she did open it, she looked at it quizzically, looked at me and said, "Apparently, my egg is melted." The other day my other daughter saw my husbands new juicer sitting on the counter and said to me "Mama, that juicer looks suspicious." It's a daily occurrance with them. They are constantly pulling out words I had no clue they knew. Today, my older daughter was drawing and talking aloud to herself about her picture. She said "This person is magnificent." I couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I myself was tested in the 2nd grade and found to be several grades ahead of my peers. As a result I was put in gifted classes all the way through junior high, where I quit because I was tired of being "different." I always had a way with words...verbose, I would say :)

So back to my twins...their comprehension of things is far beyond what a child their age should be. At the age of 4, I was describing complex subjects to them, (the water cycle, various biological processes, how objects are made or created, space, emotions, parts of language and grammar) which they would most of the time remember and bring back up at random times, astounding me at both their grasp of the topic and at their memory. Their insatiable curiosity makes them eager to learn and I am more than happy to share my knowledge. I love just sitting and talking to them, and answering all the how, why, where and when's that they ask. Even though they are young, I talk to them like they are little adults, because their ability to understand complex processes is sometimes on par with adults that I know, which is a little bit scary!

Their attention to detail is another thing that astounds me. We read books every night and in the pictures they will immediately notice a tiny bird in the background or some other such thing and point it out. They notice actual planes in the sky when they are so far away they are literally a dot that I never would have even thought to see. Once while driving on a straight road, there was a tall office building with about 30 windows. When we were far enough away that the windows were only about an inch tall, she said "Mama, that room has a fan blowing in the window." Sure enough, there was, so small, again I never would have seen it. She noticed FROM THE BACK SEAT. Another time we were in line at the store, and there was a soda display with Coca-cola written on the side and bubbles all around it. I was killing time, staring at the bubbles. She looked at it a split second and said "Oh a soda can." Sure enough when I looked closer, the bubbles were in an actual shape (a clever advertising ploy which worked better on my 5 year old than me!) Sharp would be an understatement when it comes to their attention to detail.

They are creative to the hundredth degree as well. Around the time they turned 4 I was a little concerned because they weren't very interested in drawing. They began to make the typical round head person with stick arms coming out. Then all of a sudden within a couple of months they went from drawing nothing to drawing the most complex things you ever saw out of a 4 or 5 year old. They spend HOURS drawing. Not only do they draw but they are detailed drawings. Clothing, eyebrows, speech bubbles, various expressions, motion. They draw anything and everything you could think of. They will spend a good 5 minutes or more explaining every nuance in the picture to you - where the person/animal is going, what they're doing/wearing, why they're doing it, what they're thinking/feeling - an entire back story which they will keep adding and adding to until there is no room left. People who see their art always comment on how remarkable it is, and I agree. The drawings alone show what a complicated inner world that exists inside of them.

Going along with that, they play "pretend" for hours. Sometimes, ALL DAY and I mean that literally. Some days I hardly see them because they are so busy playing in their room or outside and they can't be bothered to stop. They will play with toys of course but they will use anything at their disposal and make something out of it. Their ability to entertain themselves without the use of artificial means like computers or TV is incredible. In fact they never use a computer and very rarely watch TV. I use TV mainly as a tool to help them sit down and calm themselves when their minds are racing and I can tell they need a break to vegetate. At night, they stay up into the wee hours because they are so busy thinking that sometimes they cannot sleep.

Today we registered them for kindergarten and they had an assessment. There were colored blocks setting out for the kids to play with while we did paperwork. They spent the entire time that they weren't talking to the teacher (which totaled about an hour) making complex patterns out of the blocks. The aide was amazing and noted how intricate the patterns were. Then my younger daughter began to build patterns upward from the table (they were non-connecting blocks) in 3D, in double helix style. The aide was extremely surprised and said she didn't think she had seen any other kids do that. To my daughters, it was all in a days play.

So there we go. I had to say just how special my girls are, amazing people in every way, nothing short of exceptional. They are excited for school to get underway, and I look forward to what the school year will bring!

So in love

Things are finally smoothing out around here :) Baby Goo is 3 months old and life is looking up, in a lot of ways. Physically, I’m completely healed from my surgery and have been for awhile. We figured out our nursing troubles (mainly caused by a tongue tie that my son had, which  has now been corrected.) So no more plugged ducts, no more pain and it’s going beautifully! Loving it all the time. My original goal was to get to 6 months breastfeeding, then possibly a year. I live in a great community for breastfeeding support so now I think my goal may even be longer than a year! We’ll see where the future takes us :)

I’m working on weight loss and getting in shape and unfortunately about 6 or 8 weeks ago I tore a ligament in my knee and had to stop running after only 2 weeks into my exercise regimen! I was so disappointed. Instead I began focusing more on my diet and that is going very well. I have cut back the amount I am taking in and in the past month I have lost 5 lbs. and 1 inch off my waist. Yeah! It definitely feels good to see progress. I have 3 more lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was heavier than it should have been because of medication I was taking.) So ultimately I’d like to lose 10 more lbs. after that. I know I can do it! It isn’t always easy but I have the goal and I am determined to reach it.

The kids are doing great as well and my twins are about to start school! I can’t believe they are growing so fast. I remember when they were born, thinking 5 years was so far away but it has passed in the blink of an eye. Now with my son, I am doing things a bit differently.  I know how fast it goes and instead of lamenting the hard times I am cherishing every moment because it will be gone all too soon. I am so in love with my baby boy, I just can’t get enough of him! I think he is the cutest, sweetest baby that ever was. :) I love every little thing about him, he is so beautiful, adorable, loving, I could go on and on with glowing adjectives, in short, I am just completely enamored of him! I LOVE MY BABY GOO and he has totally changed my life, in a wonderful way.

Mentally I am also doing very well. I’ve been making big changes in my life and my anxiety level is lowest it has been in years. I realized I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and ultimately, I had to change things for them to get better. It feels so awesome to know that I’m not watching life pass me by anymore and I’m actively out there doing things and enjoying things instead of being held back by anxiety and depression. I can only assume right now I’m in “remission” (I have no idea what they call it with bipolar!) But I’ve been med free and episode free for a year now and I’m doing so great.

Life is good.

The best day of my life

Another long day, but today, it was a good one. We are finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine now that little guy is 2 months old. He generally goes to bed for the night around 8-10 PM and will sleep for a stretch of about 6 hours. A few times he has slept 7 hours. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep for me because I still have to either nurse him or pump the milk at some point. But, having him be more predictable is helping a lot. I know that by 10 PM, all 3 kids will be in bed and I at least will have a little bit of time to myself. Sometimes just to clean up, but still, it’s time to have quiet and recharge :)

Having more of a schedule and knowing what to expect is allowing me to start feeling better. It felt like pure chaos up to this point and now things are settling down and I do have some enjoyable days in there instead of feeling like I can’t face anything! I’ve also decided I need to let go of certain ideas. My house is not always going to be clean. My kids aren’t always going to get lunch at 12 noon on the dot. I’m not always going to be able to play when they ask and I’m not always going to have time to look done up and “pretty”. But you know, that’s OK. This is all a stage of life and like any stage in life, especially when it comes to kids, it only lasts a short time and then it is onto something else. Instead of spending my precious moments worrying about toothpaste on the mirror or the stove top being wiped down, I’m going to do what I can with my kids, because that is what truly matters. Are they going to remember that the laundry was washed and folded every single day or not? No. Are they going to remember if I made the time for them, and if they felt important and loved? Yes.

So now, every morning when I wake up, I have already have a mindset of what is going to happen. Before noon is kid time. I spend it nursing my son, playing with him and helping his little brain to grow. I talk with my girls at breakfast and play with them. After lunch, I can start doing more things that I “need” to do but up to that point, I’m not worrying about anything. Whatever happens happens and I’m letting it all go. It’s good for everyone and it’s nice to wake up to kids who are excited to see me instead of their replacements who are whiny and sassy because they aren’t getting any attention or mommy time.

So, today was a good day. Got up and playing with little guy while his sisters were at grandpa's. His smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, hearing him giggle and coo and reach for me. Sorted through some photos to work on some scrapbooks (when I get the time). Reminisced about the last year. My girls came home from spending the night at their grandpa’s after lunch. We all went to town and bought some paint and a storm door to brighten up the front of our house. Baby napped while we shopped, kids ran around like crazy. But it was still a nice time. I didn’t get upset, and I didn’t lose my patience. I just went with it, and we smiled and laughed and examined all the neat things that kids find in the home improvement store that look so big when you’re so little :) Came home, my husband made dinner while I nursed my babe and then the rest of us ate. No tantrums like usual, no “ordering” them to eat. They chowed down until their little bellies were full and I couldn’t have been happier. More talking and laughing and having a generally good time. My girls wanted me to go into our basement and look through some things but I had to clean up dinner first. My daughter, of her own free will, volunteered to help me so that I would have the time to come with her. Only 5, and already a tender hearted one, who loves her mama and wants to help. I melted.

We went downstairs while hubby held the baby, and I didn’t need to do much. Just watch and giggle and they were satisfied. Seeing them play with all their baby toys brought back so many memories…nearly every one of those toys has a picture to go along with it, or a specific memory from way back then. I started to tear up and felt…well, too much for words. We came up and they had dessert while I took my baby and went to nurse him and put him to bed. Holding him there in the darkened bedroom, I reflected on the events of the day and smiled. It was a good day. It doesn’t get much better than this. A thousand things went through my mind as I sat there, holding my precious little one against me so close, listening to him breathe and stroking his warm skin, soft hair. The love I felt was beyond compare. Again, I teared up. I wished I could tell him how much it all meant to me but of course a 2 month old wouldn’t understand. I laid him down but after a few minutes, he fussed. I went back, took him into my bed and nursed him some more. He clung to me as we laid side by side, his blue eyes staring up at mine, his little hand wrapped around my finger, and without words I knew he was saying he loved me, and he needed me and wanted nothing more than to feel that comfort in return. I thought my heart would explode.

Now all my kids are soundly sleeping and I’m sitting here, writing this all down, crying because I’m just so emotional. I want to remember this day, these moments, the moments that go so fast and that mean more than anything to me. These moments of love and warmth and joy and comfort…all the reasons that being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.