Separating and moving forward in 2014...a new year and a new life

Well my friends, so much has happened since the last time I posted anything! It’s now 2014 and I am convinced that this is going to be my year. Most of 2013 was pretty awful and I’m feeling so much happier and more positive now. So let me catch you all up…

In a nutshell, at the start of 2013, I was pregnant, off meds, and out of counseling. Over the course of the year, I gave birth to my son, watched my marriage disintegrate, reentered individual counseling, restarted bipolar meds, and just in general, rode a crazy rollercoaster of emotion from day to day and week to week. I had some good stuff in there but overall, it was pretty icky. But now, 2013 is over, and with it, the end of one part of my life and beginning of another.

The biggest news is that my husband and I separated in December and are now living apart. It has been about 6 weeks and I’ve run the gamut of emotions thus far. Obviously, it’s  a huge life change. We have been together close to a decade and now I am faced with moving forward in my life without him. It was hard at first to admit that it was all really happening although I had seen it coming for a long, long time. I’ve felt the anger, the sadness, the regret, all of it and more. And finally, in the past week, I have started for the first time in years to feel real hope. Not a hope of reconciliation, or a mending of the relationship. But a hope for a better life. Hope for fulfillment. Hope for happiness.

Letting go of any relationship isn’t easy, whether that relationship was good or bad. It’s a process over time. Maybe because I saw this coming long ago I was in ways already mentally prepared. I don’t think most people would be ready to move on with their lives 6 weeks into a marital separation but that’s where I am. The truth is, we’ve been moving in different directions for the last year or two. And I’ve been having a lot of realizations and epiphanies over that time. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision to split up. It was thought about many, many times and in many different ways. I don’t want to get into the details of my personal life but I will just quote my counselor here and say “Sometimes, there is TOO MUCH water under the bridge.” And I believe that is true. Sometimes, too many things have been done to be undone or fixed. It is what it is. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Radical acceptance.

So let me go off track a little here and say I’m working with a new counselor and part of the therapy is working on DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. That’s where the radical acceptance comes from. Accepting what is, without judgment. Accepting that everything that happened before has led me to this point in life. The good, the bad. It has all happened…I cannot change the past. I can only move forward. Truthfully I was working on this mindset before I even knew what DBT or radical acceptance was. But I really think this is a life changing idea. It can be applied to so many things, so many situations. It helps keep perspective. It helps remind me not to get caught up only in emotions but to use my wise mind, the melding of both emotion and logic. Not just one or the other…not just black or white. This has been a difficult concept for me. I think the majority of my life, I’ve been polarized. Good vs. bad. Love vs. hate. Friend vs. enemy. Emotion vs. logic. No middle ground. But I’m starting to move away from that. In truth, I feel quite enlightened. Despite all the crappiness going on in my life, I feel good. I feel a peace and centeredness that was not there before. I feel I have the strength to move forward instead of being mired in the sludge of defeat.

I have known for a long time that our outer world (family, relationships, jobs, environment) affects our inner world (ideas, beliefs, feelings). But it is only at this point in my life that I can really see in interconnectedness of the two. For so many years of my life, I felt that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t really see that things on the outside were affecting my mental state so drastically – not just the big events but things on a day to day basis. I felt sad and hopeless, like I was broken, useless. I had felt that way as a child and it followed me all through my life. I thought I would never be free of it ever. I thought, this is my lot in life. I should accept it because it will never change.

But I was wrong. In breaking away from toxic relationships I am amazed at the change in my  attitude. The world already seems like a sunnier place. Granted, yes, I still have a ton of mental issues, and I will continue to work on those, to gain insight, to learn, to make changes. But for the first time in my life, I actually feel that I can do this on my own. With each day that passes and each thing I accomplish, I feel more confident. I feel happier. There is something to be said for independence…the strength that it takes to carry on and make it through, not only to survive but to thrive. It’s a good feeling.

And truth be told, I am finding that I actually like life on my own. I’ve always felt that I needed a romantic love to be fulfilled but I see that is not true. There are a lot of kinds of love…family, friends, children. I don’t feel the extreme NEED to have a romantic lover anymore. What I value and desire is deeper than that. Caring, support, compassion, comraderie. Unconditional love.  I’m finding the fulfillment and satisfaction that comes from those things in the various other relationships in my life, away from a marriage or romantic partnership. Maybe that’s strange, maybe not. I honestly do not see myself getting into another long term romantic relationship, ever. It simply is not what I want.

So, now, I’m doing well. My new year is off to a wonderful start. With 2013, I saw the end of a long, long chapter. Well, a whole bunch of bad chapters to be honest! Even before this year began I was determined to make lasting changes. So here are the changes that have happened, are happening and will be happening:

*** I’M TAKING CARE OF MY BODY. This involves the following things:

1)     I QUIT SMOKING. It’s been about a month since I quit and I’m feeling awesome about it. It was a bad habit I’d been wanting to get away from for a long time but always returned to it because of the stress of my relationship. With the end of the relationship I don’t feel the need to release stress in this unhealthy way.

2)     I STARTED EXERCISING. Over the summer I started working out, running on a track near my home. When winter came I stopped, because I’ve never been a gym person and to be honest, I felt self-conscious even at just the thought of going into the gym. But now, I’ve started going and running there. I’m also working out at home. The benefits to both my mind and body from these changes alone are amazing. I feel more confident, competent, and in control.

3)     I STARTED CARING MORE ABOUT MY EATING HABITS. I used to be a junk food junkie. I ate candy constantly, and had an ENTIRE CABINET devoted to candy. That’s right. That is how much I loved candy and sweets. Not only have I cut way back on that, I’m eating healthier in general. I’m drinking a lot of water and less caffeine. I’m more aware of what I put into my body, and caring for it. Before I skipped eating because I felt I had no time. Now I am making an effort to take that time.

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY MIND. Here’s how:

1)     I’M TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF. I have rarely taken time for myself in the last few years, and especially since I had my son 9 months ago. Time was a luxury I did not have, and when I did have time, I usually spent it doing things for others. I felt completely unappreciated and burned out. Now, just allotting a few hours of time for myself per week is making a huge difference. I am able to do whatever it is I want to do at that moment, whether it’s shopping, crafting, writing, just for myself. Its completely delectable!!!

2)     I’M BECOMING MORE INDEPENDENT. In the past I have had a tendency to become dependent on my romantic partners, mentally. Since I have had children I’ve also been dependent on my husband, physically and financially. I’m working on becoming more independent in both of those areas. I am taking on small household projecst that I would normally relegate to my husband as the man’s job. With each thing I do, my confidence grows and I realize, I really CAN do these things for myself! In the near future I will be looking for a job, and once I have a source of my own income again I know I will feel even better and much less helpless and reliant on others. 

***I’M TAKING CARE OF MY RELATIONSHIPS. This is a huge one, that has gotten neglected because most of my energy went to maintaining my marriage. Now that I no longer have to do that, I can focus the energy to places that have been lacking.

1)     SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THE CHILDREN. I’m getting the opportunity to spend more quality time with my kids. I used to have all 3 of them, pretty much all the time by myself. It was difficult to say the least and they had very little interaction with their dad. Now that we are living apart, they still spend most of the time with me, but also spend alone time with dad. We alternate kids so that we each get to spend quality time with each child and it is really going well. I feel so happy and no longer feel that I am missing out on everything they are doing from being tired/overworked/overwhelmed with the demands of daily life. The kids are really enjoying it too and I have seen a vast improvement in their general attitude in the last few weeks now that they have a more stable home environment.

2)     MAINTAINING CONTACT WITH FRIENDS. This area of my life always seems to suffer as my romantic relationships tend to force out any time/space for friends. Now, instead of turning to my husband I have been forced to find outside support and as a result I have rekindled several long term friendships that have fallen by the wayside. I feel I have so many great support people in my life now. Every day, I talk to a friend or family member in some capacity whether it be email, texting, talking on the phone or visiting in person. It feels sooooo awesome and I really feel loved and cared for.

Soooooooo, as you can see, I am really doing very well. The separation, as sad as it is and as much as I wanted things to work out, has been a catalyst for exciting changes that are doing wonders for my mental state. I truly hope to be able to maintain these changes for a general style of living that is vastly different than before. There are still more changes I want to make, and day by day, I’m finding new ways to bring joy and fulfillment to my life. As I said 2014 is shaping up to be a fantastic year.