The best day of my life

Another long day, but today, it was a good one. We are finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine now that little guy is 2 months old. He generally goes to bed for the night around 8-10 PM and will sleep for a stretch of about 6 hours. A few times he has slept 7 hours. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep for me because I still have to either nurse him or pump the milk at some point. But, having him be more predictable is helping a lot. I know that by 10 PM, all 3 kids will be in bed and I at least will have a little bit of time to myself. Sometimes just to clean up, but still, it’s time to have quiet and recharge :)

Having more of a schedule and knowing what to expect is allowing me to start feeling better. It felt like pure chaos up to this point and now things are settling down and I do have some enjoyable days in there instead of feeling like I can’t face anything! I’ve also decided I need to let go of certain ideas. My house is not always going to be clean. My kids aren’t always going to get lunch at 12 noon on the dot. I’m not always going to be able to play when they ask and I’m not always going to have time to look done up and “pretty”. But you know, that’s OK. This is all a stage of life and like any stage in life, especially when it comes to kids, it only lasts a short time and then it is onto something else. Instead of spending my precious moments worrying about toothpaste on the mirror or the stove top being wiped down, I’m going to do what I can with my kids, because that is what truly matters. Are they going to remember that the laundry was washed and folded every single day or not? No. Are they going to remember if I made the time for them, and if they felt important and loved? Yes.

So now, every morning when I wake up, I have already have a mindset of what is going to happen. Before noon is kid time. I spend it nursing my son, playing with him and helping his little brain to grow. I talk with my girls at breakfast and play with them. After lunch, I can start doing more things that I “need” to do but up to that point, I’m not worrying about anything. Whatever happens happens and I’m letting it all go. It’s good for everyone and it’s nice to wake up to kids who are excited to see me instead of their replacements who are whiny and sassy because they aren’t getting any attention or mommy time.

So, today was a good day. Got up and playing with little guy while his sisters were at grandpa's. His smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, hearing him giggle and coo and reach for me. Sorted through some photos to work on some scrapbooks (when I get the time). Reminisced about the last year. My girls came home from spending the night at their grandpa’s after lunch. We all went to town and bought some paint and a storm door to brighten up the front of our house. Baby napped while we shopped, kids ran around like crazy. But it was still a nice time. I didn’t get upset, and I didn’t lose my patience. I just went with it, and we smiled and laughed and examined all the neat things that kids find in the home improvement store that look so big when you’re so little :) Came home, my husband made dinner while I nursed my babe and then the rest of us ate. No tantrums like usual, no “ordering” them to eat. They chowed down until their little bellies were full and I couldn’t have been happier. More talking and laughing and having a generally good time. My girls wanted me to go into our basement and look through some things but I had to clean up dinner first. My daughter, of her own free will, volunteered to help me so that I would have the time to come with her. Only 5, and already a tender hearted one, who loves her mama and wants to help. I melted.

We went downstairs while hubby held the baby, and I didn’t need to do much. Just watch and giggle and they were satisfied. Seeing them play with all their baby toys brought back so many memories…nearly every one of those toys has a picture to go along with it, or a specific memory from way back then. I started to tear up and felt…well, too much for words. We came up and they had dessert while I took my baby and went to nurse him and put him to bed. Holding him there in the darkened bedroom, I reflected on the events of the day and smiled. It was a good day. It doesn’t get much better than this. A thousand things went through my mind as I sat there, holding my precious little one against me so close, listening to him breathe and stroking his warm skin, soft hair. The love I felt was beyond compare. Again, I teared up. I wished I could tell him how much it all meant to me but of course a 2 month old wouldn’t understand. I laid him down but after a few minutes, he fussed. I went back, took him into my bed and nursed him some more. He clung to me as we laid side by side, his blue eyes staring up at mine, his little hand wrapped around my finger, and without words I knew he was saying he loved me, and he needed me and wanted nothing more than to feel that comfort in return. I thought my heart would explode.

Now all my kids are soundly sleeping and I’m sitting here, writing this all down, crying because I’m just so emotional. I want to remember this day, these moments, the moments that go so fast and that mean more than anything to me. These moments of love and warmth and joy and comfort…all the reasons that being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Overwhelming stress, life is getting to me

Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe not.

I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s a million at once. When it rains, it pours. 

Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.

So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again. Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could really know.

I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released” or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.

So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high. And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress. 

Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t helping anything.

I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO HARD???

I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day. I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.

New Addition!!! I'm now a mother of THREE!!!

Well, it’s official, I am now a mother of THREE. If you would have told me 10 years ago that at 30 I would have three kids I would have said NO WAY! Haha. It’s been about a month or so and in ways it still feels surreal. It’s been great, beautiful, stressful, overwhelming, difficult, amazing, and everything in between. I fell in love with my little boy the minute I saw his face and although going through the parenting thing all over again is tough, I just look at his chubby little face and I smile :) I know this time will go so fast so I am trying to enjoy every minute of every day before it is gone.

Day 1

A tiny smile!

9 Days Postpartum

Hanging with daddy

With big sissy #1

With big sissy #2

As for the birth itself, I think I said before that I was leaning more toward a natural birth and away from a c-section. I had a scheduled c-section date for about a week after my due date though, just in case, but was planning on seeing if my body would go into labor spontaneously. And that is what happened! I woke up at 4 am to feel a gush of fluid and realized my water had broken. I hadn’t actually started having contractions but knew it would be soon. Unfortunately my husband had just gotten the flu and was feeling pretty bad, and so the timing was terrible! I got up and waited for things to start happening, and within an hour they did. I had irregular contractions, 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. I was planning to labor at home as long as possible and then go to the hospital when I was close to giving birth. I wanted to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I could but unfortunately that didn’t happen! By about an hour later I was having contractions a minute or two apart that were lasting a minute or two. I knew that generally only happened when you were getting closer to the end. I got my husband up and thought maybe I should go get checked just to be safe. My mom had had easy deliveries with us kids and with me, she only felt crampy for awhile and by the time she got to the hospital, she was totally dilated and I was born less than an hour later! I thought maybe I might be another anomaly like that so we went.

The doctor checked and I was only 2 cm. dilated!!! I couldn’t believe it, and was so upset. I definitely would have stayed home longer had I known that. But the contractions didn’t stop, and it basically went on that way almost the whole labor. It was really messed up! Most women only get the bad contractions at the end…mine were the whole time :( I wanted to go med free but it was tough being hooked up to a bunch of machines and barely being able to move around. My husband was a great support though knowing what I wanted to do and keeping me encouraged. I think I handled the pain pretty well, actually! Every time the doctor checked me, every few hours, I would only have progressed a centimeter or so, despite the heavy contractions. It was ridiculous!!! Several hours in I started to get really fatigued because I had only had a couple hours sleep and had not eaten. At one point the baby’s heart rate went down and everyone rushed in as if it were a real emergency. It was scary! But his heart rate improved. The doctor gave me a shot of terbutaline to slow my contractions because she said they were too close together and baby wasn’t tolerating it. It did slow them down and allowed me to rest, which was nice, but then I stopped progressing at all. Eventually they picked up again and I was hurting, but was only about 6 cm. at that point. I had been laboring for over 12 hours with contractions a minute or two apart med free and was so exhausted. The doctor wanted to give me Pitocin to help me progress, but I didn’t want it. So I went a little longer and finally gave in and agreed to an epidural. Not because the pain was unbearable but because I was so exhausted I knew it was going to take a lot longer and I didn’t think I’d have the energy to even push the baby out by then!!! After the epidural, I felt nothing and was able to relax again and just talk and laugh with my husband. I was disappointed that I couldn’t go all natural all the way but was proud with how far I did go. 

Around 7 PM there was a shift change and the doctor I had been seeing for my OB care came on shift. I was so happy to her, someone I trusted! She said I was at 7 cm. but the contractions had slowed again and again mentioned the Pitocin. I said I wanted to hold off a bit longer. So she came back a couple hours later and pretty much said it would either be the Pitocin or I would need to have a repeat c-section, so I opted for the Pitocin. Within a minute of it being administered, baby went into distress again. Everyone rushed in and started rushing around and messing with me. His heart rate did not improve and the doctor said we needed him out now, and we went off for an emergency c-section. It all happened so quickly. Luckily I had a similar experience with my twins so although it was scary I wasn’t as worried as I was then.

By the time I got to the OR his heart rate had been down for 8 minutes and the doctor said she would have him out within 1 minute of making sure my epidural was working. Then suddenly baby’s heart rate improved. But because of the risk, we decided to go ahead with the surgery and get him out. The doctor could not use the epidural for anesthesia and so I was put under general anesthesia. I went out and that was that.

When I awoke I was a new mom and my baby boy had been born. Sadly, because of the anesthesia, I only vaguely remember holding and nursing him the first time :( In all the photos I look so out of it the first couple hours!!! But the good news is, he was perfectly fine and healthy, and a whopping 8 lbs. 13 oz.!!! I couldn’t believe he was that big. No one in my family has had kids that big!!! I was just shocked. But he is the cutest little thing ever, with chubby cheeks and rolls, big lips and blue eyes :) He stole mama’s heart!!

As for recovery, it’s been up and down. In the first couple days I recovered SO much better than my first c-section!!! I was amazed. The first time, I couldn’t walk for nearly a week afterward and was using a wheelchair most of the time because of the horrendous pain. This time I was able to get out of bed and walk within hours of the surgery. I steadily did more walking every few hours and was actually able to be discharged a little early because of how well I was doing. Granted, I was on pain meds that helped, and when they wore off I was hurting something awful. But overall, the experience was better than my first and I healed better as well, at first. I did have a LOT of swelling due to the amount of IV fluids I got, and that hurt more than the incision after a few days! By about a week after surgery I was able to get out of the house and even washed my hair and put on some makeup!!! A far cry from my first c-section days where I wore pajamas for a month :( So after a couple weeks I thought I was out of the woods, however I developed plugged milk ducts in my breast (VERY painful) and that has slowly been resolving, then I developed an abscessed infection in my incision! It hurt so much I was in tears and could barely walk. Luckily I am now on antibiotics which seem to be helping and I anticipate that at the end of the 10 day course the infections should be eradicated. 

I decided to try breastfeeding and since it went well in the hospital I continued when I got home. And baby has been fed nothing but breastmilk since. I admit it is hard work and VERY time consuming, but its something I really want to do, so I am keeping at it. There is nothing like holding my baby close to me and watching his contented little face as he eats and knowing I am giving him the best possible. However that means I get sooooo little sleep and that is the hardest thing. Even though my husband has been home with me, he can only change diapers and rock the baby at times. If he was able to help feed like we did with my twins, who were formula fed, it would be soooo much easier to take turns and get more rest. :/ I’m sure part of the reason I’ve been more susceptible to these infections is because I am not resting or eating well and basically my body and immune system is run down. But I’m hanging in there! I know after another month or so, things will improve. But the early days/weeks are so tough.

My mood for the most part has been great. I have felt really happy (except for the last week and a half where I have been in massive amounts of pain, then I was actually somewhat depressed)!!! But still, I am enjoying my baby a lot. Having a family is the most beautiful thing. I am grateful for all that I have and just love this little guy so much. My kids are the world to me, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Last post for awhile...next time I will be a mother of 3!

Well everyone, the time has come and this baby is going to make his appearance ANY TIME NOW!!!! I am sooooooooo ready. Have I said that yet? Haha. There is some info I plan on sharing in this post that may be too gross/graphic/TMI for some people so if anything about childbirth makes you queasy, you've been duly warned.

So in my last post I mentioned how I wasn't quite sure about the c-section decision anymore. And over the last month as I have gotten closer and closer to the end I have pretty much been thinking about the birth and labor every day. A month or 2 ago I sort of felt like I didn't care what happened. But now I feel like I do. With my twins, everything in the pregnancy went awry and I got NOTHING I wanted. Everything I had envisioned went out the window early on. I had wanted a natural birth, I wound up getting a c-section without ever going into labor at 30 weeks. Of course, I wanted to hold my babies after they were born like every mother dreams about - that special first moment that you have anticipated months, years, maybe your whole life. But my girls were too small and sick. So I didn't get that either. They were whisked away and I wound up worried, distressed and crying for the next 2 days. Not exactly what I had been dreaming about. I had wanted to try breastfeeding the girls. Guess what? Didn't get that either. By the time the first was big enough to try (2 months later) she simply wouldn't do it. My second daughter had medical issues that prevented her from digesting breast milk, so I never even got the opportunity to try with her. I was heartbroken. I didn't even get the normalcy of taking them home from the hospital like regular parents do...my sicker daughter wound up staying in the hospital almost 5 months. For a long time I felt sad about it all, and wished it had all been different, although I knew it had all been out of my control.

Life went on and of course I loved my girls and still bonded with them and they are great children to this day and the joy of my life. But thinking back on how I was robbed of everything that a mother looks forward to, everything a mother SHOULD have, has made me want things more this time. I kind of feel the need to have the experience that I never did the first time, since this will definitely be my last child and I will never experience this again. If I just went in and had the c-section without even trying I would never even know what being in labor was like. And I feel like I want that experience.

So, I have decided to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) Luckily, the hospital I will deliver at allows them...some hospitals don't. However, I do NOT want to be induced. So I decided if I did not go into labor spontaneously, I would go ahead with the c-section at a designated time. I now have a scheduled surgery date, but it is a week after my due date, so that gives me more time for my body to start things on its own. And I'm hopeful that it will.

Not only that but just within the last couple weeks I have been thinking seriously about having a non-medicated birth as well. I'm not really sure what got me to thinking about it actually, because I hate pain and am not someone who wants to suffer through it if there is a way to relieve it. But after doing a lot of research I learned some things about natural birth that I liked. They say labor is generally shorter. They say the likelihood of tears is less because you can feel and control your pushing. They say (or I should say, people who have done it say) they are more satisfied with their experience.

On top of that, I have realized that with my first birth I had zero control over anything, and this time I WANT IT! I intend on staying home as long as possible before going to the hospital. I don't want to be told how to sit/lay, I don't want to be on a monitor, I don't want people watching every little thing I do 24/7. I want to be comfortable in my own environment as long as I can.

So my husband and I went to a non-medicated childbirth class to learn about options and it was helpful to prepare me for what to expect. Granted, I have never experienced active labor and therefore have no idea how I will react to the pain. But I have a good attitude this time around. With the c-section, I was terrified. I didn't want it and didn't totally know what to expect. I cried the whole time. It was very traumatic. I am determined this time will be different. I'm not saying I am going to refuse meds no matter what...if it is truly unbearable, I will probably go ahead and take them. But I would at least like to try. My husband told me "But its going to hurt a lot." I explained that I know it will be painful but I feel it will be different from the c-section experience in one big way - I will know when the pain will end. Basically,  a natural labor will probably not go on beyond a couple of days, and with every contraction I will know I am closer to the end. With my c-section the pain was never ending. I expected to feel better within a few days yet it went on and on and on...it mentally became unbearable. I feel like I can deal with the pain, if it is finite.

Now that I have pretty much made up my mind about what I want to at least ATTEMPT, I am so ready to get the ball rolling!!! Every time I think things are starting and they aren't it drives me nuts. A couple weeks ago we were grocery shopping and I kept getting hardening in my belly and sharp pains. We came home and eventually, it passed. A few days later, the same thing happened at home. This time it lasted about 6 hours. I thought "Is this it?" but wasn't sure. Unfortunately it wasn't. A couple days later, it happened again and last for about 8 hours! I thought "Come on, let's get this show on the road!" I figured by then they were just the Braxton Hicks contractions everyone talks about. My stomach kept getting rock hard (but, I also did have cramping pains with it, so it was kind of confusing.) This past weekend I woke up with pretty bad pains in my belly. I got up and knew right away they were real contractions. They came every few minutes and hurt quite a bit. I paced around groaning, thinking "This is definitely it." I was hurting but excited. After a couple hours instead of getting worse, it started to go away and eventually stopped. I was soooooooo disappointed!!!

So now every single day I am hoping TODAY WILL BE THE DAY!!! I'm pretty sure I have lost my mucous plug and when I went to my check up a couple days ago the doctor said I was 1 cm. dilated and 75% effaced. That is good news but doesn't necessarily mean anything is going to happen immediately. She "swept the membranes" which is inserting a finger inside the cervix and pulling it away from the amniotic sac. It is supposed to stimulate hormones which may induce labor. I was very hopeful but so far nothing of real importance has happened. I may possibly have started leaking water earlier today but don't know for sure. A few hours ago I started having cramping pains yet again and thought "Maybe??? Just maybe???" But as I sit here writing I have been feeling ok for awhile so I assume it is nothing. POOOOOOOOOOO.

Physically, I think my body is just done. I have been taking it as easy as possible lately just because doing anything is too hard and is physically painful. The baby has moved so far down into my pelvis that I honest to God can barely walk. It feels like someone has beaten me between the legs with a baseball bat. I mean, I can't hardly get into or out of a vehicle, roll over in bed, sit on the couch or stand up, anything. It hurts SO BAD. My belly is HUGE and hurts the majority of the time. All I can think of is pushing this baby out so I can MOVE again. It's making me crabby because I don't like just sitting around and that is all I can do.

That's where I am at now!!! Just waiting, waiting, waiting and getting more and more frustrated by the day!!! I know the longer the baby is in, the bigger he gets and I don't want that! I had a feeling he would be large and a week ago his weight was estimated to be 8 lbs. 1 oz. YIKES. I certainly hope that was wrong!!! (Granted they do say U/S at the end can be off by 2 lbs. soooooo.....)

My mood has been fluctuating a bit, I know it is because of these pregnancy hormones though and being so close to the end. I feel a mixture of being happy and sad at the same time, then I feel nervous & apprehensive, then excited and giddy, and it just keeps going around and around.

So now it is suuuuuuuuuper late and I should be getting my rest. The next time I post I will be a mother of 3 and hopefully have some real photos to post of the wee one :)

A month to go...baby boy almost here!

I am nearing the end now...yayyyyy.....no, not the end of life, hehe, the end of this pregnancy. It's amazing that I found out last July that I was pregnant and here it is almost March already. As I've said numerous times, I am ready for the baby to be born, even more so every week that goes by and I get even bigger! I am soooo uncomfortable, it's just awful. My twins were born 2 1/2 months premature so needless to say this is as far along as I have ever been, it's kind of weird actually. I feel enormous, it hurts to sit, lay, walk, do anything! UGH!!! Today one of my girls was looking through pics of belugas on my phone (they are obsessed with whales). She found this picture:

She showed it to me and then said "Mommy, this whale is as fat as you. Except you're fatter."
Good thing I'm not super sensitive when it comes to my kids comments...haha...I actually laughed for about 5 straight minutes (in fact, I'm laughing right now just thinking about it.) So anyways, yes, I'm feeling a bit like the beluga right now. Portly. Rotund. Oh and let's not forget pale.


I did figure out awhile back what was causing some of my fatigue, and that was me being severely anemic! So I've been on iron tablets plus some other vitamins and misc. pills. I literally take about 10 pills a day. Bleh. Good news is it's been about 2 months and my doctor says my hemoglobin levels have gone up so I will not need iron injections/transfusions (thank goodness.) That is a relief. BUT, the pills make me nauseous half the time (on top of just generally feeling sick) so I'll be glad to not have to take them anymore. I tell you pregnancy sure wreaks havoc on your body. I don't know how anyone could enjoy it!

With the time getting closer, I am waffling on the c-section decision. I am remembering how much it HURT LIKE HELL and how terrible it was. And this time my doctor is giving me the choice of c-section or VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean.) I'm seriously thinking of trying the VBAC. So I'm learning a lot about it, researching, talking to people, hubby and I went to a childbirth class last week and that was interesting. Learned some breathing and relaxation techniques and about what is offered at the hospital I will give birth at. So in the next couple weeks I need to get my choice narrowed down to what I want to do.

Stuff is pretty much ready for the most part. Got baby's room set up and things put away, been doing some random organizing. Still have more to do, want to get all that finished in the next couple weeks because I am already to the point where I can barely do it. Thankfully it is a joint collaboration between me and my husband with the kids pitching in here and there too.

Speaking of the kids, they are so excited about the baby. I hope that continues once they see him and realize he is a permanent fixture in the home. They do talk about him daily, and draw pictures of them holding his little hands. Aw. They tell people they are going to change his diapers and help me feed and bathe him. They call him by name. It is just really cute. I think they will be good big sisters.

So here are a couple ultrasound photos of the lil guy...first 3D U/S ever and definitely confirmed BOY PARTS. Hehe. He is an active one as well. Kicks me non-stop, so much it actually hurts :( Feels like he is shanking me with a tiny little shiv from the inside! What a nut.

So that is what's going on...misc. stuff as well of course...girls birthday is coming up around the time I am due so I am excited about that. Just hope I am not too big to enjoy it :) I love doing their birthday every year and have been looking forward to this one as usual. I'm also planning our yearly trip for the fall, and just generally looking forward to summer. Haven't given a whole lot of thought to counseling/meds/etc. lately. I did see my new counselor for the first time and she is a nice lady. But as far as all that goes I am just focusing like 95% of my energy on the baby and getting through the next month or so (well, truthfully, the next year....:P heheh.)

Big changes in store. :P

A new year, 2013, what have you in store for me?

I was up and thought I would go ahead and write a little something. I've been busy allllllll day with all kind of misc things...stuff on the computer, house cleaning, organizing, budgeting, on and on and on. So I've gotten a lot accomplished but wanted to do something not on my "to-do" list for today!

Well, I am in my third trimester of pregnancy and am getting fatter and fatter. Well not totally true...only my belly is getting bigger, the rest is staying the same. But still, I am HUGE. And I mean huge. I have no idea how I am going to get any bigger than I already am. The weird thing is I have only gained about 15 lbs. yet I am positively enormous. I am so uncomfortable all the time. I feel like all I do is complain but I can't help it! I am so ready for this baby to be out of me!!! I remember when I was pregnant with my twins, and it was a horrible experience, healthwise and I always wondered, "If I got pregnant again, would I have a good pregnancy?" Well the answer is a resounding NO!!! I feel bad because this baby will probably be born and think I had it out for him, but that is not the case, I just long to be feeling normal again! I literally have almost every pregnancy symptom in the book, and really bad too. I was really energetic for awhile there and getting a lot done, now I am just tired all the time again and want to sleep 24/7. I feel kinda crabby a lot, why, I'm not sure but I find myself getting short with people or just irritated and yelling. Poop! It stinks.

I think I am pretty much prepared for the birth, I am most likely going to have a repeat c-section. I had to have one with my twins and now I have a choice but I don't think I want to risk a natural birth only to be told at the last minute there are complications and I must have surgery anyway. So I think that is what I will do. Also, I plan on having my tubes tied and so they can do it all at once and be done with it.

So now I am getting closer (but still seem so far away) I am more into making sure everything is ready. We will have to do a big cleaning/organizing before the birth and make sure everything is set up. I feel like physically I will be ready but mentally...hmmm, who knows! My moods haven't been as good lately, maybe because I don't feel as good physically or maybe other stuff, I don't know. I did have my last visit with my counselor and was very sad. They had another lady who will become my new counselor come to meet me and now I have to set up an intake appointment with her for the end of the month. I already said it but it is going to be so weird starting over with someone new. I don't want to :( My previous counselor was a great lady and got to know me so well and I am going to miss that. At our last meeting she was telling me how she was impressed with me with all the strides I have taken since beginning counseling, and getting diagnosed and that she doesn't see many people like that. She also told me her wish for me was to keep going with education and to go on and to great things because she thought I had the brains and talent to do something important. That made me feel really good. And now I am sad she is gone.

Alas that is part of life, nothing stays the same, it must change, and be in constant flux. I am looking forward to the upcoming year of 2013 and wondering what is in store for me. I will have a new baby and be starting on a new journey. My husband asked me some of my new years resolutions, I don't really have any...but maybe I could think of some "goals". To be a good mother. To be a good wife/partner. To save money. To do something worthwhile (personally).

So, now it's a new year and I hope that things go well. I hope all is well with all of you, too. Happy 2013.

Chugging along, getting bigger and more uncomfortable!

I've been meaning to update for quite some time but have been sooooo busy!!! Life has been good, but crazy. I'm currently about 6 months pregnant and we are in the middle of the winter/holiday season now. I have a lot of appointments, and my husband has had quite a few as well, I think between us last month we had 8 appointments. Also we've been keeping a weekend schedule to make sure that we get out and do things and don't succumb to the cabin fever.

I guess the most notable things going on are that after January, I will have to get a new counselor :( I am quite sad about it, and love my counselor but she is retiring and so that is that. I'm not looking forward to starting over with a new person and telling them my whole life story...truthfully I don't think I have to will to do it. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to where I am at with my current counselor and so it just kinda sucks :( Plus, I will miss her, I think she is a great lady.

Things are going pretty well with the kids and family...no real complaints there! Looking forward to X-mas, have all the gifts bought and most of them wrapped. Seems like this winter is just flying by.

As far as the pregnancy, it is going pretty good but today I am just in a horrible mood! Probably because I have been working on a lot of projects the last few days (not fun projects, just things that need to get done) and I have total brain drain, so it makes everything worse. I just feel like super crab and everything is annoying me. I am losing patience with the whole being pregnant dealie. I know some women think it is great but I am not one of them. Not that I don't love my kids because they are the best thing in the world, but the process of being pregnant just sucks. I have no idea why God made it such a pain instead of just having us lay an egg or something :) I have the WORST ACID REFLUX of all time. It is uncomfortable to eat, even when I am not eating I burp literally 50-100 times a day. It's disgusting, probably the worst thing about the whole pregnancy. I take Tums like there is no tomorrow and I also had to start taking Zantac because it was so bad but it only helps minimally.

In addition to that, I have started getting leg cramps, something I never had with my twins. I wake up in the night in horrible pain and sometimes it even lasts the whole day or longer. BLEH WHY?!?!?

I am getting so big, I can't believe it. As I said I'm about 6 months and I feel like I am 9 months. I can't believe I have several months to go and am trying to imagine how I am going to get bigger than I already am. It's uncomfortable to walk, bend over, lay down, sit, well basically do ANYTHING.

The baby kicks me like crazy, way more than my twins did. And I swear, sometimes it actually hurts :( It is distracting when I am trying to sleep or concentrate on something. I wonder, what on earth are you doing in there???? Again, the baby is only going to get bigger and stronger so I can only imagine how bad it will be later on!!!

So, that's that. Everything "healthwise" with the baby is fine, so they say, so that is a relief. I'm pretty sure we have also decided on a name. We have most things we need for the baby so won't be rushing at the last minute. Just ready...ready to have the baby, ready to move onto the next phase of life.

Oh yeah guess I should mention my moods! They've been pretty darn good. Dare I say "normal"! I'm sure at some point that will change though, and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with hormonal changes of pregnancy.

That's about all. I could probably ramble forever but gotta get to doing something important :P

My big news...and my how fast kids grow

It has been quite some time since my last update...about 3 months or so. And yes there is a reason for that. For those of you who don't know I found out at the end of July that I AM PREGNANT. That's right folks...there is a mini-me growing in my belly as I type this.

It was a total and complete shock to me. We weren't planning on having any more kids. I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking "God, I've gained weight...I am getting fat." It occurred to me that my period was late and so I took an old home pregnancy test that I had lying in a drawer. I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative. I went to the store and got more and took about 5 more tests. They all came back positive. Talk about giving me the shock of my life. My first pregnancy was planned, so the feeling of being taken off guard and shocked that way was completely foreign to me. I didn't know what to think or how to feel at all. I actually think I was in denial for awhile.

So, from that moment on things have changed. I went off Zyprexa the day I found out I was pregnant. I do not want to take medication during pregnancy, especially one that has not been well studied and could potentially harm my child. So it was literally a split second decision. I'm pregnant? No more meds.

I didn't have much time to let things sink in because about a week after I found out I became sick as a dog. I'm talking the worst sickness you have ever seen. I would throw up at least 5 times a day, sometimes up to 10 times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I couldn't keep down any food or even water. My husband said he had never seen anyone throw up that much in his life. Not only that, I was getting awful, almost migraine headaches constantly where I couldn't stand light or sound. I was 100% miserable and depressed. I was so sick and so weak that I would wake up, drag myself to somehow get my kids breakfast, and lay on the couch with the TV playing the whole day. And anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a TV watcher. But there was nothing else I could do. Thankfully my kids are old enough that they would occupy themselves the majority of the time playing together. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had 2 year olds that I had to take care of 24/7. I was so sick that several times my husband had to come home and take care of me and the kids. My dad, who is retired, did the same. He came over several times and picked up around the house, made me soup or would just take the girls out for awhile so I could rest.

About a month and a half in we went on vacation. Not because I wanted to (I didn't, and if we could have gotten out of it, we would have). But because it had been planned for a year and already paid for. No refunds. And we weren't about to lose out on thousands of dollars. So, sick as I was, we took our kids and went for 2 weeks. Needless to say it wasn't that great! I tried to put on a happy face for everyone but a week in, I said screw it. I feel terrible and I shouldn't have to pretend anymore.

After we got home, and it had been about 2 months since the sickness started, the vomiting started easing up. And with that, my attitude started to improve too. Currently, I'm about 17 weeks along (that's a little over 4 months and almost 1/2 way through the pregnancy.) I'm doing better than I was, healthwise, but still get sick a couple of times a week. Even though I don't vomit as much I am nauseous most of the time and the majority of food repulses me. So I don't eat much at all.I'm a bit worried about the baby not growing from a lack of nutrition but I do the best I can.

So that is the big news and my life is certainly changing in big ways now. I've had a couple of ultrasounds and was told they thought it was a boy. Haha! I am a terrible guesser. My first pregnancy, I thought I would have a boy. I got identical twin girls. This time I thought girl for sure, and they are telling me boy. I give up! I have felt the first movements about a week or two ago, and that is neat. At this point the baby is about the size of an apple they say. It's crazy to know that I'm going about my days and there is a little person chilling inside of me. Haha.

I was nervous at first about the whole pregnancy for so many reasons. I was nervous I wouldn't be able to handle the change since it was unplanned and seemed so sudden. I was nervous about going off meds, and how my body would react, and whether I would have serious episodes or not. And I was worried about the health of the baby because my first pregnancy had A LOT of complications and my children were very premature and sick when they were born. So for a long time I had constant worries and fears.

But, to my amazement, I am doing a lot better now! Just in the past 3 weeks or so I have noticed a huge change in my mood. I am no longer depressed. But I am not manic either. I actually feel NORMAL. It is a weiiiiiiiiiiiird feeling. I haven't felt this good in a long long time. Seems like pretty much from the onset of my first full blown manic episode 2.5 years ago, I was just riding a rollercoaster constantly. I was so confused so much of the time. Overall, I was not very happy. I isolated myself and muddled through the best I could.

Now, I feel positive again, I feel like the normal Nicole again. I find myself looking forward to things and planning things. I find that I am more capable of doing things and I don't feel as stressed. I guess, in a word, I feel STRONGER. Mentally stronger. Like even if my house crashed down around me, I would get through it. Like I said, my attitude is so much better than it has been. And I can only hope that it continues.

So that's what's been going on, quite a bit. Winter is here now and the snow has fallen. I think it will go quickly though because of the pregnancy. And its funny...I sometimes don't realize how much time has gone by until I look at my kids. Today, they put on nearly all their snow gear by themselves, and went outside in the backyard to play. It was quite strange to me, them being independent enough to do that. I tend to measure my kids according to seasons, maybe because that is when the change is obvious...when summer and winter first come. I looked at them today and thought "Last year, they couldn't do this. Last year, they still needed help dressing and they couldn't be left outside alone." Now I see how much they have grown and changed and it seems so fast. I don't know where the time goes...where our lives go. It is bittersweet.

That's the news and I'm sticking to it. Hope everyone settles into the season and enjoys the upcoming holidays.

HIGH, low, UP, down and in between, CrAzY BrAiN!

Oh geez, where do I begin, where do I begin??? My mind is going all over the place right now and so instead of sitting here talking to myself (like I have been doing the last 15 minutes) I decided to post here and get it all out.

I think I pretty much captured what had been going on for awhile in my last post. My counselor thought I was having a mixed episode, and because of my suicidal thoughts, she has been checking up on me every few days by phone until I get in to see her next week. And I tell you, my moods are varying extremely from day to day and minute to minute. It's BAD. I don't know if it is a mixed episode or if now I am just rapid cycling, or maybe was all along? It's so f*^#ing confusing! AGHHHHHHHH!!!!

So a couple weeks ago, I remember going to a baseball game with my family. I was all done up, in a good mood. During the game, something happened that turned my mood somewhat sour. So I'm sitting there, "watching" the game (but not really paying attention) my mind being somewhere else. During this time I overhear my dad talking to a friend of his, the poor man has had a heart transplant and now needs a kidney transplant. I felt so bad for him. My mind got to racing with thoughts of "Why can't I just give him my kidney? I have 2...I don't need both...I could get tested and see if I'm a match...that would be such a great thing to do..." Hours later on the way home I told my husband some of my thoughts of organ donation. He said "You're probably having an episode...you need to wait a month or so and see how you feel then." I kind of thought, yeah, ok, whatever. I knew in my rational brain it made sense but didn't deter me from wanting to do it. I sat around thinking about it all for the next 2 days.

But anyways, back to what I was saying...I'm in one of those moods where I could just talk (type?) forever...hehehe...I have so much to say you see!!! Anyways, yes, so we got home and my mood was turning more and more sour and there was conflict in the house and I said I needed to get out. I went walking and was literally thinking of killing myself. I walked and walked, late at night, weighing the options...1) go home and overdose 2) call a friend and try to talk myself OUT of overdosing 3) tell my husband to take me to the hospital so I DON'T overdose...I didn't know what to do, I was so confused and really wanting to do myself in. So I went home, told my husband he may need to take me to the hospital. It was BAD for it to get to that point that I was telling him this, seriously on the verge of checking myself in. Oh yeah, I was drinking too. He said we would go for a drive, and we did, and afterward I felt a bit better. I knew I would be alright through the night and if I still was suicidal in the morning, I'd go to the ER.

But in the morning, I didn't feel suicidal. I was depressed but not as bad. That evening we all went 4wheeling and I was pondering it all and thinking, "Why was I suicidal? How stupid." It seemed absolutely ridiculous to me.

So since then I have been having a hell of a time! Trying to stay on some kind of stable path, but I dunno what to expect from day to day. I alternate, depressed, happy, depressed, happy, depressed, super happy, depressed, irritated, and so on and so on and so on...

One day last weekend we went out river boating and I remember sitting there being almost outside my body, it was so strange. I again was thinking morbid thoughts, of how I was a broken, defective person, how all was futile because nothing would ever change, how I knew I was destined to die by my own hand before the time I reach 40 years old, and I was DAMN SURE of it all. I didn't talk to my family and didn't engage them. I just sat there, not noticing anything around me.

Then I go back up again...and I come down again...

Then a couple days ago I was back to working on projects...I cleaned my house and I mean SCOURED it. I cleaned and washed my washing machine and dryer for God's sake. I washed my blinds. Stuff I NEVER do (well, let's face it, I hardly clean anything besides the dishes on a regular basis). I spent ALL DAY cleaning from the time I got up til about 3:30 PM. And it still wasn't completely finished but I had other things to do. Took the kids for a bike ride, made dinner, played outside in the sun with them. Then I made a scrapbook, and was up later drinking and working on it. I did get it finished though :)

And yesterday I felt so good, so happy, I was all done up, wearing some of my new clothes that I drunkenly/manically spent all that money on, styled up my hair (that I just paid $200 to have trimmed and highlighted) and went to town to run errands with my girls. Let me tell you, I was in my own f@#^ing world!!! I pushed the cart around with my brain going all over, splintering out in a million directions. I don't think I even noticed where I was pushing it. Luckily I only needed 1 thing in there and I got it and got out. I was so distracted (by what? I couldn't tell you) I was completely driving on autopilot, I don't think I was even looking at the road. It's a good thing I have driven that road a million times or I would have wrecked. I vaguely remember staring out at dots on the horizon, or following the edge of the trees with my eyes. I felt really batty. So we stopped one more place and went home. Then last night I was watching a movie and in some scenes I felt so overcome with intense emotion...I mean, it wasn't even a good movie, it was a terrible movie! But I remember a scene of the blue sky reducing me to tears, I just couldn't bear the beauty of it. And I gasped and held myself tight and floated away. I started thinking of just running away somewhere, me and my husband taking a random trip, just going, going, gone...

And tonight I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours looking up vacation information. What the heck am I doing?!?! We're going on vacation in 2 months. But I want to go NOW dammit, NOW! I looked through the Carnival Cruise site (we went on a cruise before and had a good time) and I'm like, it would be so easy, just book it and next week we could be on a plane and whisking away to some white sand beach, ahhhh, it would be wonderful...(now, this isn't the first time something like this happened...years ago before I was diagnosed, I did the same thing with my friend, I needed to GET AWAY and would have gone immediately had she not needed to save up cash, but we did go - not as soon as I wanted - but it was an awesome, albeit very impulsive, trip...) anyhow I digress again, I feel so excited at the prospect of going on this damn cruise, hahahaha. I know we don't have the money to go especially after my husband and I collectively blew through $3000 more than usual on our credit card last month....ahhhh f@#$.

So yeah that's where I am...I don't think it helps that I am drinking every night or every other night. I find myself waking up having memory lapses and not remembering parts of conversations, emails, movies, things I did the night before. The worst thing is it happens even when I don't drink! Even on sober days I wake up feeling like there are pieces missing and I don't know why or where they went. I find that this entire last month or month and a half is a jumble, because I am finding it hard to put things in chronological order. There are pieces of this and that, and what? who? when did I do that? What did I do? I don't know...hmmm...well...it must have been this! It sucks. I don't know if it's all my fault or only partially my fault.

I have been taking my meds though. LOW dose, 2.5 mg of Zyprexa. Needless to say I will probably have to increase. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Well, hmmm, it should be an interesting visit :P

Oh yeah and I just noticed, IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!!

*NOTE: It's 2 years later, and I have since been diagnosed with borderline in addition to bipolar. I can clearly see the BPD symptoms interspersed with the manic symptoms I was having reading this back. The happiness, impulsiveness, distraction = bipolar. The confusion, dissociation, suicidal ideation = BPD (or, I should say, bipolar and BPD as they are currently known/classified). Should be interesting to see a couple years from now, how much more I will have learned and come to understand about all these various mental states I experience.