Saturday, September 26, 2015



My body
Invites you
Come to the center of my discontent
Sucked in with the crisp black air and swirling smoke
Thumping bass and electronic beats
And images of fantasy scenes behind them all
Hands down the front of me
Nothing but sensations, flowing in and ebbing out
Twisting fingers through hair as I press my cheek into your neck
Pushing emotion out from my core with telekinetic power
Letting you absorb my heat and furious psychic passion through your skin
Lightning flashing from my eyes, sharp like piercing blades
I rid myself of it all through this exchange we have
Grasping tightly, rolling and rising and lowering
Tachycardic heart beating uncontrollably
Anxious shaking, feet tapping, arms quivering, head nodding
Slowing and soothing as you draw out all this energy
Your hands reach in and enter me like a specter
And I envelop you, inch by inch, letting you fill the space
Negativity filtering through you and out into the charged air
Away into infinity
As the waves die down
The crisis passing
Calmness ensuing
Still, silent, static
Eyes closed
Returning to equilibrium


Friday, August 14, 2015

Totally random funny stuff...

Hi guys! I have fallen off the wagon on my blogging :( I know, I feel bad! It is so tough to find time to do things that I find enjoyable (like writing!) when there is so much other stuff to be done.

HOWEVER…just for fun, I am making this blog tonight :) There is no real point (mental health related) it is simply random funny or interesting stuff to me.

So the other day I was shopping online, on my favorite store site, Forever21. And I had to post some stuff here that I saw that I loved…and I’m going to tell you why I loved it! It is so fun to online shop, even when you have no money to buy stuff. I am constantly updating my wish list!!!

I LOVE this model. She is adorable!!! She is not only beautiful but she looks sweet and like someone you would want to be friends with. Of course it’s just photos but I like how she looked different from the typical tall thin blonde. She just looks relatable, and honestly, I liked almost everything she modeled because she seemed so real! (Oh and as a side note, I bought this set because she convinced me that it would look great! And it was very cute when I got it too.)

Ok I really wanted this shirt but it was sold out!!! Can you tell why I might want this??? LOL 

This made me laugh because it made me think of something I would say when I’m depressed!!! Totally random and kinda sad but funny at the same time!

And this was just hilarious. I say this all the time, and I just imagined walking into class wearing it. Ha!!!

Now these pics…I was just perusing bad tattoos on a night I was super depressed and needed to feel less depressed. So I found some people who had worse fortune than me. There were a LOT of bad tattoos!!! But these ones I just had to save and share. I feel sorry for these people but thank them for making me chuckle and feel a little better about myself!!!

This one was so funny because I sometimes say “Fudge” instead of erm…F-U-C…yeah you know what. So it made this even funnier.

This one…yeah…I would certainly “regret” getting this misspelled tattoo!!!

I laugh every time I open this…at first I thought WTF?!?! Is this a pirate playing football? Prison style? But I think maybe it is supposed to be a Patriot. Still…HILARIOUS!!!!

So that’s it for now guys…just random pictures and thoughts from the last week. Have a great weekend! School is starting for most kids (and adults) so get some rest!!! That’s what I will try to do!

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Summer is flying by - divorce is consuming my time & mental state! UGHHH

Hi guys!

Wow, it’s been awhile. I hadn’t realized it’s almost 2 months since my last posting. Life tends to fly by sometimes when you aren’t paying attention, doesn’t it?!?!

The school year ended in May and so I was just relaxing for a few weeks (my brain was completely strained from the math course I took…I am no math wizard! Haha.) I had so many plans of school related things I wanted to get done this summer:

       Study and test out of my next math class
       Study and test out of my humanities class
       Study for and take the GRE (Graduate Record Exam – Grad school admissions test)
       Get involved in volunteer activities in the psychology community in my city

WELLLLL…since my divorce is now beginning the legal process, that has been so stressful to me that unfortunately, over the last month I have been able to accomplish nearly nothing on that list :( It makes me so sad!!! Between dealing with my ex and his mood swings, dealing with kids (who are themselves out of school for the summer), and trying to sell half my belongings and move out of my house so I can sell it, school hasn’t exactly been my top priority.

There is a lot going on you can see. My head is kind of swirling most of the time and I feel quite overwhelmed, like there is a lot hanging over my head. I HATE that feeling. I am a list maker, a checker-offer. I like knowing I accomplished things and have them under my belt. Stuff that hangs in limbo…leaves me feeling anxious :/

So, that is where I am now! Summer is half way down and it is my goal to AT LEAST test out of my math class, at the bare minimum. The rest of the school stuff may have to wait. I’m in a bit of a rush to get my house on the market, hopefully a month from now, so there is a lot happening.

My mental state is….OK. I go on meds and I go off them…that is just the nature of things I guess. Once my divorce is final (it seems to be getting dragged out slowly and painfully, unfortunately) I think my mental state will improve drastically. No longer being attached in any way to a toxic relationship will help me so much to move forward and try to make positive changes in my life. Right now I’m still sort of dangling in limbo-land while things are not finalized. And that is the toughest part!!!

Friday, May 15, 2015

Bipolar State of Being listed as one of Healthline's Best Bipolar Blogs for the second year!

Exciting news everyone…it has just been brought to my attention that I’ve made Healthline’s list for the Best Bipolar Disorder Blogs of 2015!!! This is the second year I’ve been recognized by Healthline and well, I’m really happy about that. It’s nice to know that the work you’ve done is appreciated and ultimately helpful to others.

Here’s the review they gave my blog (which actually hasn’t changed since last year but since I never mentioned it, here it is!):

Each blogger brings a unique perspective to living with bipolar disorder. For Nicole, author of Bipolar State of Being, it’s surviving and thriving as a mom. Her insights into having this disorder and borderline personality disorder are pure inspiration. The blog should be required reading for all mothers battling mental illness.

Nicole posts a mixture of personal essays, poetry, and links to informative and useful sites. The posts are clearly a positive outlet for her, but they also provide hope and a sense of support and community for her readers.

You know, when I first started this blog, I didn’t think anyone would read it. I never intended to do it long term, but it spawned so much with just that quick decision to begin sharing with the online world. From my blogging beginning with Bipolar State of Being, I branched out and started video blogging on YouTube. I actually never intended to do that at all! I simply made a couple of intro videos for this blog, so that readers could see who I was. But my channel took off, and much like my experience with blogging, I decided to keep at it.

It’s now been 5 years and I do not regret this path at all…in fact, I would say going public has probably been one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve come to feel comfortable in my skin and accept who I am, and that is worth more to me than anything. It’s been a long journey but completely worthwhile.

I have had so many amazing experiences and met so many wonderful people through this all, and that never would have happened had I stayed silent. It’s given me so much more insight, so much more perspective not only on what I live but the lives of everyone who is affected by bipolar or any mental health issue. I realized what a passion I have for this field, and have made it my career goal to enter graduate school so I can pursue mental health research, because it means so much to me. The experience of blogging/vlogging has been really, really great, and I thank everyone who has read, commented, emailed, shared their stories with me…everyone who has inspired me, thanked me, encouraged me…you all mean so so much to me! You truly do!!!

(And if you want to check out the list of Best Bipolar Blogs from Healthline for 2015…here it is!)

Sunday, April 12, 2015


Well, here I am. I’m in a mood today. I just feel like wallowing. I can feel that my emotions are quite raw at the moment, and it seems every sound I hear, and every sight I see is just like a heavy putrid syrup pouring over my heart and mind, coating it with stickiness I can’t get rid of. I could try to fight it and put on the fake smile but I just don’t want to right now. All I want is to sit and ruminate for awhile. And just let it be. I want to look at the white sky and the snow and float off. Listen to this melancholy music and watch the parade of images that dance in slow motion across the backdrop of my skull. Allow it all to occur, all the words that I don’t want to make sense of…just let them come. Lie around and do absolutely nothing of any worth. Wallow and bathe myself in these feelings that engulf me. Let them be and do not try to fight them.

It’s ok, because deep down I know it will not last forever. In a couple days, I will rise again. I will come up, I will get back on the horse and live again. I’ll keep striving toward the light. But not today.


Overdosed on nicotine
I don’t want to do anything
Stand around, fantasize
Give in to heavy, glassy eyes
Let myself feel the weight of it all
Lying in bed, staring at the wall
Sleeping all day
Watching images in a dark parade
The world keeps turning but I don’t really care
I’m only partially aware
Not running from the conflagration
That exists in my imagination
I want to be left to soak it in
Writing words that never end
Transient misery
Where no one else can see
And time will pass while I’m in this trance
Engulfed in silence but never alone
Plagued by these tendencies
The voice in my head, ceaseless
Run on sentences
Far from genesis

This feels like home


Monday, March 2, 2015

Rapid cycling, depression, mania, mixed, it's everything! Blaughhhhh

My eyes are completely burning. I realized I haven’t posted much other than poetry for awhile now so here I am. I have a headache. It’s been a really long day. This may be partially incoherent. I’ve been prefacing a lot of my interactions with people that way lately. Oh well.

So I think it’s safe to say that I have been up for a large portion of the last 6 months. Which is all well and good with me, and in ways is enjoyable. But now, it’s starting to go into this rapid cycling/mixed type stuff, which is not so enjoyable. However, it is reality, so I figured I should document it.

A few months ago my husband and I separated again. Then in January, I started school again. So, there has been a lot of stress and just a lot of demands on me physically and mentally. So that’s just a quick background leading to today.

Stuff is sort of a big jumbled ball right now. One minute I’m bouncing around with the energy of 10 men (ok, women) and the next I’m tired and dazed. For a few days I’ll get very little sleep and be just fine and dandy, and then it switches and I will barely have the energy to get through the day without falling asleep, and on top of that, when I do sleep, it will feel like I could KEEP sleeping for a whole week or more. The constant energy fluctuations are hell on me.

One day I’ll be talking to everyone who crosses my path and listening to everyone’s stories and the next day (literally, the next day) I’ll be sullen and walk into class and not say one word to a soul. I’ll just want to sit and wallow and ruminate. But then hours later, or the next day, I pop up again, and will be laughing and jumping and all of that crazy stuff.

I go from being able to concentrate well in class and “get” the material to being completely distracted, unable to concentrate at all, finding the material confusing and getting bogged down by it, and then stuff just falls through the cracks.

Now the ups I certainly like. But I DON’T like the downs mixed in there. In fact, the fact they are even there at all is kind of starting to make me a bit angry. Also the constant flip/flip/flip like a metronome is starting to wear on me. On top of it, I think I’m starting to notice a few psychotic type things happening and so that is raising a red flag to me. In the past, when I have had longer periods of mania that have psychotic elements, it kind of has the same pattern. Things begin to rise and then I just become more erratic to the point where everything gets confused and meshed together and it becomes hard to distinguish. I visualize it as a ladder, and each day I go up and down the steps and can be at any height at any time not only day to day, but throughout the day as well.

So, lately, I have had the idea of meds on the brain off and on. I really really do not want to take them. So I’m holding out to see if I can manage another couple of months. Once May hits my stress load will lower dramatically because I will be out of school for the summer and I’m sure that will help some.

This wasn’t super detailed because I really just am too tired and headachy to think much. But, wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on recently. I know my videos have been fluctuating between depressed/rambling/dejected and overly happy/hyper so this was just my quick explanation of recent events.