Sunday, April 12, 2015


Well, here I am. I’m in a mood today. I just feel like wallowing. I can feel that my emotions are quite raw at the moment, and it seems every sound I hear, and every sight I see is just like a heavy putrid syrup pouring over my heart and mind, coating it with stickiness I can’t get rid of. I could try to fight it and put on the fake smile but I just don’t want to right now. All I want is to sit and ruminate for awhile. And just let it be. I want to look at the white sky and the snow and float off. Listen to this melancholy music and watch the parade of images that dance in slow motion across the backdrop of my skull. Allow it all to occur, all the words that I don’t want to make sense of…just let them come. Lie around and do absolutely nothing of any worth. Wallow and bathe myself in these feelings that engulf me. Let them be and do not try to fight them.

It’s ok, because deep down I know it will not last forever. In a couple days, I will rise again. I will come up, I will get back on the horse and live again. I’ll keep striving toward the light. But not today.


Overdosed on nicotine
I don’t want to do anything
Stand around, fantasize
Give in to heavy, glassy eyes
Let myself feel the weight of it all
Lying in bed, staring at the wall
Sleeping all day
Watching images in a dark parade
The world keeps turning but I don’t really care
I’m only partially aware
Not running from the conflagration
That exists in my imagination
I want to be left to soak it in
Writing words that never end
Transient misery
Where no one else can see
And time will pass while I’m in this trance
Engulfed in silence but never alone
Plagued by these tendencies
The voice in my head, ceaseless
Run on sentences
Far from genesis

This feels like home


Monday, March 2, 2015

Rapid cycling, depression, mania, mixed, it's everything! Blaughhhhh

My eyes are completely burning. I realized I haven’t posted much other than poetry for awhile now so here I am. I have a headache. It’s been a really long day. This may be partially incoherent. I’ve been prefacing a lot of my interactions with people that way lately. Oh well.

So I think it’s safe to say that I have been up for a large portion of the last 6 months. Which is all well and good with me, and in ways is enjoyable. But now, it’s starting to go into this rapid cycling/mixed type stuff, which is not so enjoyable. However, it is reality, so I figured I should document it.

A few months ago my husband and I separated again. Then in January, I started school again. So, there has been a lot of stress and just a lot of demands on me physically and mentally. So that’s just a quick background leading to today.

Stuff is sort of a big jumbled ball right now. One minute I’m bouncing around with the energy of 10 men (ok, women) and the next I’m tired and dazed. For a few days I’ll get very little sleep and be just fine and dandy, and then it switches and I will barely have the energy to get through the day without falling asleep, and on top of that, when I do sleep, it will feel like I could KEEP sleeping for a whole week or more. The constant energy fluctuations are hell on me.

One day I’ll be talking to everyone who crosses my path and listening to everyone’s stories and the next day (literally, the next day) I’ll be sullen and walk into class and not say one word to a soul. I’ll just want to sit and wallow and ruminate. But then hours later, or the next day, I pop up again, and will be laughing and jumping and all of that crazy stuff.

I go from being able to concentrate well in class and “get” the material to being completely distracted, unable to concentrate at all, finding the material confusing and getting bogged down by it, and then stuff just falls through the cracks.

Now the ups I certainly like. But I DON’T like the downs mixed in there. In fact, the fact they are even there at all is kind of starting to make me a bit angry. Also the constant flip/flip/flip like a metronome is starting to wear on me. On top of it, I think I’m starting to notice a few psychotic type things happening and so that is raising a red flag to me. In the past, when I have had longer periods of mania that have psychotic elements, it kind of has the same pattern. Things begin to rise and then I just become more erratic to the point where everything gets confused and meshed together and it becomes hard to distinguish. I visualize it as a ladder, and each day I go up and down the steps and can be at any height at any time not only day to day, but throughout the day as well.

So, lately, I have had the idea of meds on the brain off and on. I really really do not want to take them. So I’m holding out to see if I can manage another couple of months. Once May hits my stress load will lower dramatically because I will be out of school for the summer and I’m sure that will help some.

This wasn’t super detailed because I really just am too tired and headachy to think much. But, wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on recently. I know my videos have been fluctuating between depressed/rambling/dejected and overly happy/hyper so this was just my quick explanation of recent events.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015


Damned if I do and damned if I don’t
I live in a place of limbo
Whirling in the indefinite space between top and bottom
Enclosed on all sides
Blown by the breeze of a deviant mind
Thoughts unceasing
Shattering, fracturing
Emotions like a wave
Crashing over, no escape
One day beauty, one day pain
Instability knows my name
And calls intermittently
First softly in my ear like a melody
Drifting off in blissful sleep
Then screaming, jarring cacophony
Jolting like electricity
Reverberating through me
No escape
Triggers waiting everywhere
Treading lightly
Tippy toe
Avoiding land mines I know will explode
Fear inducing scenery
Burned into my memory
I push up and off I float
Breaking free from gravity
Churning in infinity
Indiscrete boundaries
That come and go
Leaving me to remain
In limbo


Saturday, February 21, 2015

Matchbox Queen

Time for larval maturation
I rose up from degradation
Crawled away from the filth where I was born
But destined to return
Programmed from the start

I strained against instinct
To become clean
To want the good things
To become a different type
In my fight
I was deluded
Sitting on a box of matches in the dirt
Wearing a paper clip crown and gauze tissue robe
About to explode

Consumed by fiery flame
Glowing like a funeral pyre
You won’t forget my name
For good or for bad
Queen of the sun, burning bright

Awaiting the deluge I see cresting in the distance
I accept what is
I can’t sit on the fence
When I’m knocked back into the mud
Washed in grime
Back in the place where life had begun



Ice cold hands clacking at the keys
Blowing into my sweater to try to revive them
Goosebumps prickling up my arms, shivering
Rubbing my neck as my head pounds
Riddled with cracks spreading all around
Bitter saliva filling my mouth as I try
To keep the vomit from rising
Wanting nothing more than peace
Embers to rekindle the fire in me
Passion, joyousness, love

Wishing for
Escape from the world that I know
Where heavy lidded eyes are pierced by the light of morning
Straining against the sun
Dying for darkness
And my laughter has turned to tears
Leaving salty trails upon my lips
Every heartbeat, a drain, a tax on my energy
The process of life is difficult to maintain sometimes

There will be no peace tonight as I lie alone
Tomorrow awaits, with another set of demands
No rest for the weary, no rest for the wicked
Weary wicked woman
Soldiering on
Decrepit flesh and brittle bone
The ground is calling out for you to come home


Friday, February 13, 2015

Amanda Strong

Here's another shout out to another fellow bipolar vlogger I love to death. I've followed Amanda for a long time, and she is a smart and really caring girl who vlogs regularly. Check her out!

Here's the link to her channel, AmandaStrong!

Lithium Lollipop

Had to give a shout out here to Damien, a fellow bipolar vlogger/blogger. He is great, and quite funny & insightful. If you're interested, check out his videos here at Lithium Lollipop.

Thursday, February 12, 2015


Emotions explode like fire touching gasoline
Spiraling out from the center of my control
Intense heat beyond belief
Scorching and searing my skin
Burning beyond recognition

I’ve become so accustomed to the frequency of the blaze
I’ve come to enjoy the pain
And wonder if I could even survive without it
What I once ran from
I now seek
Craving the pain and hating it
Wretched masochistic pleasure
Every time the fire ignites



Approaching threshold
Unable to keep it down
I want to rip myself open
Bleed out onto you
All the anger, hatred, joy, apathy, love, pleasure, pain
Melding together
Gushing in an explosive stream
Sweet release
Watching you clutch me tightly
And lap it up eagerly
So excited by every drip that hits your skin
Sucking me into you
And me sucking back
The warm fetid scent all around
Revulsion & disgust coming in spurts and waves to all our senses
Inciting ecstasy


Thursday, January 29, 2015


Fleeting moments
Passing through space and time
We’re ignorant to the fragility of them all
Until one day, they’re no more
Everything is gone
An empty space, hollow place
Remains, intangible, where they used to reside
So we fill the space with other things
New people, new experiences, new dreams
Ever changing
While time keeps ticking by
And the moments that existed before
Fade into the background
We move on, and keep moving until
We don’t even remember
How important they were when they were happening
A never ending reel, one image
Replaced by the next
And only vague snippets left in dusty recesses
Of what once was
What we thought was the center of our world at some time
In truth,
Ultimately forgettable


Sunday, January 25, 2015

Great Ideas

Lying in bed, staring at the shadows
Projected scenes on the ceiling
Baby beside me, quiet now, sleeping soundly
My clothes still on
Contorted amidst mountains of
disheveled blankets
Pillows helter skelter all around my
Mascara caked from the last 2 days, blinking slowly
2:35 am and my head is full of great ideas

Feelings and thoughts take shape
like images from a movie
Starting on a Monday, ending on a Sunday

Sly smirks while meeting in airports
Piggy back rides through crowded streets
Splashing in ice cold water
Peals of laughter echoing in
So inappropriate

Running wild
Heedless and carefree
No plans, endless nights
Flashing lights
Cobblestone streets and foreign words
Falling in fragments all around me

Showing me your hometown
Drawing pictures in the sand with
damp fingertips
Having playful arguments and
making up again
Going back to where it began

Tickling and making faces
Snapshots of all the places
Smoking cigarettes, reveling in the
stench while dissecting Descartes
Lost in conversation

Slow motion movie smiles
Amateur rock stars in
stupid looking sunglasses and cheesy selfies, photo booths

Listening to your accent
Secrets that get whispered in
tangled hair
Dispersing as if they were never

Playing tag, spinning around
Watching pink and orange frothing
sunsets in silence on park benches

Eating and drinking into a haze
Rising and falling
Laughing and laughing and laughing
And stomping my feet
I can be crazy and it’s ok
Because I know that secretly you like it

Sullen pouting, hot tears pouring
You wiping them away and making it
all better
Me kissing your nose, holding you close and
whispering goodbye

All the random moments, every one
special while it’s fleeting
Time ticking down so fast
Cannot last forever
Just one short week
to cram in a lifetime of experiences
Amazing beauty

And that is the agreement; We Agree To Let It Go
Stopping at the best part, never letting it stagnate
We separate, return to what we
knew before
Savoring the bitter sweetness
Two people on opposite sides of the
Coming together out of nowhere for a brief time,
then disappearing again
Creating something
Buried in a make believe time capsule
Everything we wanted
To look back on one day and smile
and say
That we lived