Replacing NEGATIVE messages with POSITIVE ones in BPD/borderline

I want to discuss negative messages and positive messages when it relates to BPD, and how important these two concepts are.

All throughout life, I’ve gotten more negative messages than positive ones. The following are some of the terrible messages I actually heard from various outside sources, mostly people I loved or was close to, (occasionally by acquaintances or strangers). Some of these I heard repeatedly or over long periods of time:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re insecure.”

“You’re not special.”

“So-and-so is better than you.”

“You’re selfish.”

“You look weird.”

“You’re unattractive when you sleep.” (This is verbatim.)

“You’re too needy.”

“You’re anti-social.”

“You have no self-esteem.”

“You’re bossy.”

“You’re boring.”

“You’re a burden.”

“You cry too much.”

“You need plastic surgery.”

“You’re too skinny.”

“You’re a nag.”

“You’re a whore/slut/bitch.”

“You’re easy/sleazy.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“You’re crazy.”

“You just want attention.”

“You’re doing it to yourself” (this in response to telling the person that I was depressed, while crying).

“What’s WRONG with you???”

“I hate you.”

Yes, those are all real phrases that people said, and I can remember some of the explicit events where the words hurt me so much I never forgot them (hence the ability to make this list). Others happened a lot and became just a conglomeration over time. But, these were comments occurring over the course of my whole life, not just in childhood. Some of these got reinforced so much I came to BELIEVE they were true, even in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary.

Were they true though? Of course not. I know that logically now. The people saying them were just people – people with flaws and problems of their own. I see now that often the things they said were just their own insecurities projected onto me. I didn’t know that then though. I didn’t really understand much about how the mind works or how people think.

I gave these people a measure of authority in my life though, either because they were family members or friends or lovers or teachers or people I cared for. Even when the messages came from strangers, they were painful though. No one likes to be criticized, no one likes to hear negative feedback, especially unsolicited.

Most of my life I was a quiet, conscientious girl, a helpful and caring person. I did well in school and I received many awards. I was affectionate and loving. Certainly not the type of person who would warrant such harsh words and treatment from others, which made it that much more painful to me. “I’m trying so hard…” I would think. Yet, according to people around me, it wasn’t good enough. But I didn’t know any better…I internalized it all. It BECAME true. It BECAME the reality. It BECAME who I was, and who I believed I was. I wanted to believe in the “real” person inside…that loving, sweet, gentle little girl…but how could I? I got told too often how bad I really was.

It’s safe to say, messages such as that from numerous close people are not conducive to building a proper self-model and self-esteem. Their beliefs became my beliefs. I was ugly, a worthless burden, too aggravating to live. How can a person who lives with those internal feelings NOT be depressed? What reason is there to live when those you look up to make you believe that you are nothing? It’s no surprise that those with BPD are among the highest suicide rates of any mental illness. When a highly sensitive person hears/sees/is made to believe these negative messages, it introduces a blackness, a toxin into that person’s soul that grows and grows.

We become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dogs (who were trained to salivate at the sound of a bell) or the subjects B.F. Skinner studied that became conditioned to a stimulus and reacted accordingly (look up Skinner or behaviorism if you aren’t familiar with the ideas.) Some of the behaviors associated with BPD are learned responses, not something there from birth, which is really important and worth noting.

A person who does not receive much if any positive feedback will naturally seek it out somewhere, and sometimes by any means they can for self-preservation. It can manifest in different ways. Changing appearance to be more attractive and gain positive attention, sleeping with random people in order to FEEL loved or wanted, “perfecting” our abilities so that others will not be able to hold any flaw against us, withdrawing or avoiding relationships so that others do not see the supposed flaws (those are but a few examples). None of these actions are about the other person, they are about us. But these things hurt us in the end. They don’t get us what we want. In superficial ways they may, for a very short time, but they don’t last. What we want is true understanding and caring and love. Someone to say, “You aren’t ugly, you’re beautiful,” and to sincerely mean it or “I love that you’re sensitive. That is the thing that is most precious to me.” That doesn’t make a person needy or weird to desire those things. It makes them human.

I think I would have continued on forever believing all the bad messages. But finally, I realized they were wrong. It didn’t happen overnight by any means. It took a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of outside affirmation. I will be honest. It took years to even have some modicum of self-worth. 

 

I now see the importance of positive messages, positive reinforcement and encouragement. Children respond more to “Great try, let’s make another!” than “That looks terrible, do it again.” They respond more to affirmation than punishment. But even beyond just children, all people need love, they need caring, support, warmth. When it is lacking, it causes severe mental distress and can indeed lead to mental issues later in life.

I am not “cured” of any of my mental illnesses, and I have periods of extreme depression and suicidal ideation still (in fact I have been going through hell the last few days). But after a day or 2 of feeling this way, I realize I have to get up. I remind myself why I cannot just give in, and there are so many reasons why. I can’t leave my children motherless. I can’t leave my pain behind for others. I want to contribute more to the world. I can’t let “the darkness” inside (and outside) win. And I shouldn’t listen to those voices in my head that return, or the disgusted faces I sometimes see or the insensitive incidents. I cannot allow others callous words and actions to ruin my life. I am worth much more than that - to myself, to my children, to God. No I'm not perfect. But nobody is. I am Nicole, and I am finally learning that it's OK to be me.