I am going through such a difficult time right now. I noticed that since I have been off my medication, my anxiety has returned full force. It is absolutely terrible. I feel like I cannot function at all. I have always had a problem with anxiety and have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
I have anxiety about everything. And I mean literally EVERYTHING. I feel like I can barely make it through the day because it is so severe. I feel physically ill, I have been vomiting because my stomach is sick all the time and I feel horrible.
I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist Monday. I just saw her earlier this week but I feel like I am going to die. At this point I am willing to go back on medication. I don't necessarily want to but I know I cannot continue the way I am. My mental state is just getting worse and worse and if I don't try to do something about it I honestly do not know what will happen. I just can't handle it anymore.
At my last visit, she talked about trying me on a different medication, tegretol or depakote. But I think I want to go back to zyprexa. Thinking back on it, during the time I was on zyprexa, I had very little anxiety. I do believe it somehow helped in that regard. I have no idea if tegretol or depakote would help with it and I need some relief immediately. This is a hard choice for me to make but I know I need to.
Additionally, I have been scheduled for jury service for the month of May. It has only been contributing to my anxiety issues. I am going to try to get a note from my doctor and see if I can be excused from service. I am in no state mentally to be able to go in and deal with that. So hopefully, that will work out.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Parenting with a mental illness is hard - and had to sell our puppy :(
Parenting is hard, period. Anyone who has children can attest to this fact. But parenting when you have a mental illness is infinitely harder. I find that when I am going through emotional turmoil it becomes hard for me to focus on others, because I am so consumed with what is happening to me. I find that I am not as attentive as I should be, and I feel terrible about this. I do the best I can though, but sometimes it is hard to cope. I have found the past couple of weeks I have really been off in my own world. Luckily my husband has had a lot of time off and has been able to shoulder most of the responsibility when I can't handle taking care of the kids. Also my dad is a big help. He lives right around the corner from us and I know he is willing to take the girls at any time if I need help. I do love my kids more than anything - I want them to have a good life, a happy life. I want them to know that they are loved. I do not want them to grow up to hate me or feel that I was never there for them. That is my biggest concern, with this illness, is that it will impact them in a negative way, and I don't want that at all.
On another note, we unfortunately had to sell our puppy Talon. She was almost 9 months old and we raised her since she was a tiny pup. My husband and I were very sad to see her go but we knew it was for the best. My kids really did not care for her. She was very large, and would jump on them and playfully nip them, which scared them. There was constant chaos in the house trying to referee between the kids and the dog and it did not help my mental state at all. She also had problems with chewing (she recently chewed up the living room rugs, our TV remote and her own bed). She minded my husband well but would not listen to me, and since I am here alone without my husband most of the time it was just hard to deal with. She was a very loving dog though, always following me and wanting to sit with me and be petted. I admit I did cry after she left, I became attached to her despite all the problems. I will miss her big head in my lap and her saggy face. Goodbye Talon.
On another note, we unfortunately had to sell our puppy Talon. She was almost 9 months old and we raised her since she was a tiny pup. My husband and I were very sad to see her go but we knew it was for the best. My kids really did not care for her. She was very large, and would jump on them and playfully nip them, which scared them. There was constant chaos in the house trying to referee between the kids and the dog and it did not help my mental state at all. She also had problems with chewing (she recently chewed up the living room rugs, our TV remote and her own bed). She minded my husband well but would not listen to me, and since I am here alone without my husband most of the time it was just hard to deal with. She was a very loving dog though, always following me and wanting to sit with me and be petted. I admit I did cry after she left, I became attached to her despite all the problems. I will miss her big head in my lap and her saggy face. Goodbye Talon.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Perfectionism, emotional dependence and self image
As I mentioned in my last blog, I've always been an emotional person. I really do feel that my emotions rule my life. Which is not to say that I cannot think about things logically and rationally, but by far my emotional state is the biggest motivator of my behavior. Because of this, I've acquired a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms to try to function in life and get my emotional needs met.
From as early as I can remember, I have struggled with perfectionism. I held myself to an incredibly high standard and expected myself to do everything right all the time. Whenever I made a mistake I would beat myself up terribly. Of course, children don't analyze their feelings and recognize their motivations for doing things. But I have come to see that this desire for perfection stemmed from an emotional need to be loved, accepted and affirmed. I felt if I was perfect that I would get these things, and therefore would be happy. Of course it never really worked out that way. The harder I tried to be perfect, the more I would fail and negative feelings would consume me. I would feel stupid, ugly, worthless. In my adolescent years, I continued in this pattern of seeking perfection...I felt that if I did everything right all the time, people would love me, and give me those emotional things that I needed. I never really felt that I got that and so as a result, the negative feelings would return, I would become anxiety ridden, depressed and hopeless. In my adult life, nothing really changed. I felt if I was perfect, I would be able to acquire the love and acceptance that I so desperately craved. Nowadays my perfectionism has gone the opposite way. I realize I cannot be perfect. I realize I am doomed before I start. It keeps me from doing a lot of things because I fear that I will fail and be unworthy. It is a hindrance to me, but I don't know how to stop the feelings, how to stop this incessant need to be perfect.
Again, relating to my negative ways of coping, I have come to realize that I am extremely emotionally dependent on others. All my life I have been a person who is very sensitive...someone who needs a lot of assurance from others, particularly those close to me. I have tended to latch onto one particular person and rely on that person for everything I need. At times it was friends, other times it was romantic relationships. I would wrap my life around that one person, do everything with them, to the point where everything else just fell by the wayside. I really believe that I have relied so heavily on others because I have not been able to provide myself with the emotional things I need...I expect others to do it for me. I have trouble comforting myself, feeling secure by myself, feeling like a worthwhile person. So I cling to the one person I feel can provide those things to me. At times it has backfired. I have been dependent on people that did not treat me well, that hurt me very deeply. But I simply was afraid to be alone. I needed someone to take care of me and so I tolerated the bad treatment. It frustrates me so much to realize this because I don't want to be dependent on others. I wish I could make myself feel better. But at times, I become just like a child, seeking out that love, comfort, support, protection, feeling like a helpless invalid, unable to care for myself. It is a difficult way to live.
As a result of this, I struggle with defining who I am, with my sense of self. If others treat me well, I feel good, competent, worthy. If others treat me badly I feel bad, empty and worthless. At times it even has nothing to do with other people. At times it shifts without reason. My idea of self fluctuates frequently from one extreme to the other. I find myself questioning, who am I? My perception of myself changes, my goals, my core values, everything. I go from being extremely conservative to extremely liberal. I go from being intensely religious to completely non-religious. Again, I go from seeing myself as awesome, wonderful, perfect, to horrible, ugly, unworthy. This constant fluctuation leaves me feeling confused and lost. At times I feel so certain of who I am and at others I feel I don't have the slightest clue. I could be pushed in any direction the wind blows me.
So I am struggling with all of this now, all of these non-bipolar related issues. I don't know if I will ever be able to work them out, if I will ever be able to change. I don't believe that medication is the answer...I realize these emotional disturbances have probably been caused by environmental factors rather than some chemical brain imbalance. The question is, when you have always been this way, how do you ever fix it?
From as early as I can remember, I have struggled with perfectionism. I held myself to an incredibly high standard and expected myself to do everything right all the time. Whenever I made a mistake I would beat myself up terribly. Of course, children don't analyze their feelings and recognize their motivations for doing things. But I have come to see that this desire for perfection stemmed from an emotional need to be loved, accepted and affirmed. I felt if I was perfect that I would get these things, and therefore would be happy. Of course it never really worked out that way. The harder I tried to be perfect, the more I would fail and negative feelings would consume me. I would feel stupid, ugly, worthless. In my adolescent years, I continued in this pattern of seeking perfection...I felt that if I did everything right all the time, people would love me, and give me those emotional things that I needed. I never really felt that I got that and so as a result, the negative feelings would return, I would become anxiety ridden, depressed and hopeless. In my adult life, nothing really changed. I felt if I was perfect, I would be able to acquire the love and acceptance that I so desperately craved. Nowadays my perfectionism has gone the opposite way. I realize I cannot be perfect. I realize I am doomed before I start. It keeps me from doing a lot of things because I fear that I will fail and be unworthy. It is a hindrance to me, but I don't know how to stop the feelings, how to stop this incessant need to be perfect.
Again, relating to my negative ways of coping, I have come to realize that I am extremely emotionally dependent on others. All my life I have been a person who is very sensitive...someone who needs a lot of assurance from others, particularly those close to me. I have tended to latch onto one particular person and rely on that person for everything I need. At times it was friends, other times it was romantic relationships. I would wrap my life around that one person, do everything with them, to the point where everything else just fell by the wayside. I really believe that I have relied so heavily on others because I have not been able to provide myself with the emotional things I need...I expect others to do it for me. I have trouble comforting myself, feeling secure by myself, feeling like a worthwhile person. So I cling to the one person I feel can provide those things to me. At times it has backfired. I have been dependent on people that did not treat me well, that hurt me very deeply. But I simply was afraid to be alone. I needed someone to take care of me and so I tolerated the bad treatment. It frustrates me so much to realize this because I don't want to be dependent on others. I wish I could make myself feel better. But at times, I become just like a child, seeking out that love, comfort, support, protection, feeling like a helpless invalid, unable to care for myself. It is a difficult way to live.
As a result of this, I struggle with defining who I am, with my sense of self. If others treat me well, I feel good, competent, worthy. If others treat me badly I feel bad, empty and worthless. At times it even has nothing to do with other people. At times it shifts without reason. My idea of self fluctuates frequently from one extreme to the other. I find myself questioning, who am I? My perception of myself changes, my goals, my core values, everything. I go from being extremely conservative to extremely liberal. I go from being intensely religious to completely non-religious. Again, I go from seeing myself as awesome, wonderful, perfect, to horrible, ugly, unworthy. This constant fluctuation leaves me feeling confused and lost. At times I feel so certain of who I am and at others I feel I don't have the slightest clue. I could be pushed in any direction the wind blows me.
So I am struggling with all of this now, all of these non-bipolar related issues. I don't know if I will ever be able to work them out, if I will ever be able to change. I don't believe that medication is the answer...I realize these emotional disturbances have probably been caused by environmental factors rather than some chemical brain imbalance. The question is, when you have always been this way, how do you ever fix it?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Feeling broken
Well I don't really know where to begin. I've been going through a rough time lately. I'm feeling pretty depressed, pretty down. But I don't really think it is bipolar related.
I realize that I have always been an emotionally unstable person. As far back as I can remember, even into early grade school I recall having emotional problems. Getting older, into adolescence, I had a very dysfunctional home life, and that only contributed to my feelings of emotional instability. I remember being about 15 years old, going through hell, and thinking "When I get older, things will get better." But the truth is, they never have. I'm turning 30 this year and mentally, I don't feel any different than I did back then. I suffer with anxiety, perfectionism, dependence, unstable self image. I feel as if there is an empty hole in my soul that I have been searching all my life for something to fill. And at times, I do feel better, and I'm able to function, and I don't think about it. But ultimately, it is all just a cover, and the emptiness always returns. I regress into a helpless, child like state where I need others to care for me, to protect me, to validate and affirm me. I try to alleviate the feelings of anxiety and self loathing in unhealthy ways, by both isolating myself as well as clinging onto the people close to me in my life. I have always been a person who is extremely sensitive, someone who needs a lot of love, a lot of affection and affirmation. Most of my life I don't feel that I received that which in turn, has magnified all my emotional issues. I feel lonely, confused, lost, broken. I have a pervading sense of being worthless, useless and empty that continues to plague me no matter how old I get or how much time passes. I wish I could be a "normal" person...a well adjusted person, a functioning person. But at times I just don't know how. I feel like I'm constantly using defense mechanisms to prevent myself from feeling so much negativity. Everything ties into everything else, and if only it could be a simple fix to say "Do this and that will go away" but with our mental health it is never that easy. The mind is the seat of all we are as human beings. When our minds are fractured and broken, it affects every part of our lives. So I'm left here now, not knowing what to do, feeling helpless and longing for elusive happiness and stability.
I realize that I have always been an emotionally unstable person. As far back as I can remember, even into early grade school I recall having emotional problems. Getting older, into adolescence, I had a very dysfunctional home life, and that only contributed to my feelings of emotional instability. I remember being about 15 years old, going through hell, and thinking "When I get older, things will get better." But the truth is, they never have. I'm turning 30 this year and mentally, I don't feel any different than I did back then. I suffer with anxiety, perfectionism, dependence, unstable self image. I feel as if there is an empty hole in my soul that I have been searching all my life for something to fill. And at times, I do feel better, and I'm able to function, and I don't think about it. But ultimately, it is all just a cover, and the emptiness always returns. I regress into a helpless, child like state where I need others to care for me, to protect me, to validate and affirm me. I try to alleviate the feelings of anxiety and self loathing in unhealthy ways, by both isolating myself as well as clinging onto the people close to me in my life. I have always been a person who is extremely sensitive, someone who needs a lot of love, a lot of affection and affirmation. Most of my life I don't feel that I received that which in turn, has magnified all my emotional issues. I feel lonely, confused, lost, broken. I have a pervading sense of being worthless, useless and empty that continues to plague me no matter how old I get or how much time passes. I wish I could be a "normal" person...a well adjusted person, a functioning person. But at times I just don't know how. I feel like I'm constantly using defense mechanisms to prevent myself from feeling so much negativity. Everything ties into everything else, and if only it could be a simple fix to say "Do this and that will go away" but with our mental health it is never that easy. The mind is the seat of all we are as human beings. When our minds are fractured and broken, it affects every part of our lives. So I'm left here now, not knowing what to do, feeling helpless and longing for elusive happiness and stability.
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