My current "Mixed state"

So I noticed every time I post in this blog it formats differently. I’m not sure why but it’s bugging me. Plus I really don’t want to put the effort into fixing it. Oh well, I’m sure the like, 2 or 3 people reading this blog can deal with it for now, LOL.

I’m still in my funk. When I went to see my counselor she could tell I was feeling weird because the way I looked and my demeanor was different than usual. We talked about a lot of stuff, and she said she thought maybe I was in a mixed state. I knew a little about mixed states but not that much. Basically a mixed state is a combination of mania and depression. Sounds like a contradiction I know, but after doing some research on it, it makes sense to me, and I think she is right. In fact looking at my past several years I think I’ve been in this state a lot without realizing it, maybe not to this degree but still.

It’s weird because when you’re depressed obviously you feel like crap. And when you’re manic you feel great. But in a mixed state you’re mood is basically irritable. My counselor said most people who experience a mixed state say there is nothing good about it and that it is the worst state to be in.

So here is what the book “Decoding Bipolar Bisorder” by Dr’s. Suppes, Manning and Keck says about mixed states. The symptoms include:

*Racing thoughts that often inhibit the initiation of sleep

*Noticeably increased activity usually present well into the early morning hours

*Dismally low spirits or an emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease while having a “short-fuse” temper

*Genuine expressions of suffering while maintaining a melodramic demeanor

*Grandiose mood, often manifested toward others in demanding tones with insistence that others serve the agenda of the patient

*Severe agitation

*Sexual excitement

*Suicidal thoughts

As you can see this is quite a mixed bag of symptoms, some seemingly contradictory but existing simultaneously. I’d say I’m experiencing the majority of that, I’m not suicidal though. So this is a really weird funk to be in.

Anyhow, even within all of this it kinda fluctuates from day to day. My counselor said a lot of people in mixed states say they feel depressed or anxious but at the same time have tons of energy to do things. I do kinda feel like I am bouncing all over that place or just want to do everything right now. It’s just like a nervous sort of energy, like when you absently tap your foot over and over and over.

Then, yesterday I had so many thoughts I literally wanted to shoot myself in the head to make it go away. It’s an icky feeling, and it became so bad it actually gave me a headache and made me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is. I wanted a woodpecker to just peck a hole in the side of my skull and let all the pressure out. I felt like I was dying. Also I feel so anxious all the time, and agitated just like the description of mixed states. My heart is racing constantly and it’s like I’m gonna have a heart attack or something. I just want to pace around and move and do something to release this all. I kinda want a cigarette but I quit about a month ago. Tim and I have this bet going that if I can stay off them til the new year he is going to buy me a professional camera to start taking pics. Right now I just do it as a hobby with my crappy digital. But I’m always taking pics of stuff. Anyways I’m determined to win and not give in this time.

So yeah, that’s me right now, I dunno how long this will last. Today my husband walked by me and said “Scrub.” Haha. I don’t think he’s digging my current fashion statement. I know he was quasi-joking. Normally I’d get pissed about something like that but today it made me laugh.

We’ve been busy all morning which is good. I think I’d go crazy if I just had to sit around here all afternoon.