War Zone

My world has crumbled down around me

I watched it as it fell, helpless to keep it whole

I could not stop the inevitable progression

First one brick, then another

Til it all tumbled down

And spiraled out of control

And the pain I feel is like a massive missile

Has been projected directly into my heart

Piercing it, exploding with such magnitude

That there are a hundred pieces of me blown apart

Coagulated bits of blood and flesh here and there

A clump of tangled hair

A stump of a limb, with raw nerves exposed

And my mind, just alive enough to see the wreckage and know the end is imminent

Just waiting for that moment to come

Feeling like a thousand eternities

Awaiting the second it will all be snuffed out

And the pain will end

Because there is no one around

To make this swift

No one to show mercy

No one

But me

9/8/2013

Trauma

My breathing has become slow and shallow now

My body and mind exhausted, worn down

From days upon days of heightened senses

And the height of the trauma has been reached

Hit its climax, senses having been stressed

So strong, and so long

Heart racing, body shaking, hyperventilating

Mind exploding

At the thoughts of you

And I can barely keep my eyes open to write this

Weary and weak

The motor burned to a crisp

Blackened and charred

Barely ticking anymore

Like an endless row of fireworks

Rising up from the ground

Whistling as they soar up and up

Higher, higher, higher, one after the other

And finally exploding with deafening force

Talons of piercing light shooting out, flashing and crackling away

With every memory brought up

They begin anew

With such ferocity

The town awakens in fear

Now with the fading of light

I’m left here, nearly dead

The skeletons having been dredged up from the murky waters beneath

Exhumed, leaving the silt and detritus to settle

And me, looking around at the bodies

Shell shocked

Not knowing where to go from here

9/8/2013

Borderline

Love and hate

They seem like such simple concepts to grasp

Such basic emotions that we feel deep down on a fundamental level

We love the things that are good

And loathe the things that are bad

And it sounds so very simple

That no one could mistake one for the other

No one could confuse the two

But that is how I live

And where I exist

The love/hate dichotomy is one that makes no sense to me

And therein lies the problem

If I cannot separate out

Two such diametrically opposed emotions

How can I understand myself

Or anything around me?

I understand love

And I understand hate

Two opposite ends of a spectrum

That do not meet in the middle

So when I’m confronted with a situation

Where love and hate converge

I cannot understand, I cannot make sense of it all

Like being told it is night and day at the same time

Black and white

Logically I know it can’t be true

Rational thinking tells me so

But the feelings are still there

Co-mingling

And it has caused a split inside of me

With my mind fractured into a million pieces

A complete breakdown of function

The inner conflict unresolved

Left to roil and bubble

To stew and fester and eat at me like a cancer

Nagging and nagging

The two parts being drawn together, yet pushed apart

Like magnets

And everything I thought I knew is in question

Love and hate

Right and wrong

Good and bad

I do not know what is what

I cannot trust my own mind

It’s a torment that I live with

Day after day after day

Unending

Hating you and loving you at the same time

On the borderline

9/8/2013

Puzzle Pieces

This will not be easy

This will not be quick

This is only a tiny grain of sand in a pail

The first baby steps toward making sense of this all

All the confusion and pain that I have masked, buried, ignored, projected and now finally

I must own it

I cannot live this way anymore

With everything I bury, I push myself closer to the edge

The feeling of spinning out of control

Eating me like a disease

And I feel so disgusted with myself, with everyone, with the world

That there is no escape

And I feel like tearing my body to shreds

I want to seep out and float away

But there is no way

This is only one piece in a puzzle

I must come to terms with what was

I must accept the things I cannot change

And change the things I can

I must stop pushing it down, down, down into the pit of my belly

Where it burbles and pulses and ultimately comes back up

More violently than before

I cannot let these feelings consume me

Like a devouring fire

Raging through and burning things beyond recognition

So I go back to the beginning

I must pull away all the pieces obscuring what is

I must face it in the light

I must let go

I must take back the power that was stolen

9/6/2013

Fascinating article on child and teen brain development

This article fascinated me...It talks about research done that shows the changes that happen in the brain during adolescent years, as opposed to early childhood, and how that is one of the most crucial times of development and affects us throughout life. I always wondered why I had more memories in general from the year I turned 12, as well as why things that happened then seemed to affect me more than anything previous to that. Now it is starting to make sense.

Frontline: Adolescent Brains are a Work in Progress

Exceptional children

Well, since this IS my blog and I can post whatever I want, I decided to get on my soap box and brag on my kids a little bit :) I'm not the type to normally do this because I think their actions speak for themselves, and I don't want to make other people feel bad or like I think my kids are better than theirs. But I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge publicly how special and talented my kids really are, and how very proud I am of them and glad to be their mom.

I've known from early on that my girls were on the gifted side. At around the age of 2 or so, when they were supposed to have about a 10 word vocabulary, theirs was somewhere around 100 (I know for a fact because I used to keep track of every word they could say once I realized they knew so much). They were never really interested in television. Their minds were too active and they were busy playing make believe ALL DAY. Now of course, at a young age none of that may mean anything.

Now at the age of 5 they have advanced and progressed far past what I thought they would have. Their vocabularies are HUGE. Not only do they know "adult" words but they use them in context. For example, after giving one of my girls a cadbury egg, she held it in her hand a minute before opening. When she did open it, she looked at it quizzically, looked at me and said, "Apparently, my egg is melted." The other day my other daughter saw my husbands new juicer sitting on the counter and said to me "Mama, that juicer looks suspicious." It's a daily occurrance with them. They are constantly pulling out words I had no clue they knew. Today, my older daughter was drawing and talking aloud to herself about her picture. She said "This person is magnificent." I couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I myself was tested in the 2nd grade and found to be several grades ahead of my peers. As a result I was put in gifted classes all the way through junior high, where I quit because I was tired of being "different." I always had a way with words...verbose, I would say :)

So back to my twins...their comprehension of things is far beyond what a child their age should be. At the age of 4, I was describing complex subjects to them, (the water cycle, various biological processes, how objects are made or created, space, emotions, parts of language and grammar) which they would most of the time remember and bring back up at random times, astounding me at both their grasp of the topic and at their memory. Their insatiable curiosity makes them eager to learn and I am more than happy to share my knowledge. I love just sitting and talking to them, and answering all the how, why, where and when's that they ask. Even though they are young, I talk to them like they are little adults, because their ability to understand complex processes is sometimes on par with adults that I know, which is a little bit scary!

Their attention to detail is another thing that astounds me. We read books every night and in the pictures they will immediately notice a tiny bird in the background or some other such thing and point it out. They notice actual planes in the sky when they are so far away they are literally a dot that I never would have even thought to see. Once while driving on a straight road, there was a tall office building with about 30 windows. When we were far enough away that the windows were only about an inch tall, she said "Mama, that room has a fan blowing in the window." Sure enough, there was, so small, again I never would have seen it. She noticed FROM THE BACK SEAT. Another time we were in line at the store, and there was a soda display with Coca-cola written on the side and bubbles all around it. I was killing time, staring at the bubbles. She looked at it a split second and said "Oh a soda can." Sure enough when I looked closer, the bubbles were in an actual shape (a clever advertising ploy which worked better on my 5 year old than me!) Sharp would be an understatement when it comes to their attention to detail.

They are creative to the hundredth degree as well. Around the time they turned 4 I was a little concerned because they weren't very interested in drawing. They began to make the typical round head person with stick arms coming out. Then all of a sudden within a couple of months they went from drawing nothing to drawing the most complex things you ever saw out of a 4 or 5 year old. They spend HOURS drawing. Not only do they draw but they are detailed drawings. Clothing, eyebrows, speech bubbles, various expressions, motion. They draw anything and everything you could think of. They will spend a good 5 minutes or more explaining every nuance in the picture to you - where the person/animal is going, what they're doing/wearing, why they're doing it, what they're thinking/feeling - an entire back story which they will keep adding and adding to until there is no room left. People who see their art always comment on how remarkable it is, and I agree. The drawings alone show what a complicated inner world that exists inside of them.

Going along with that, they play "pretend" for hours. Sometimes, ALL DAY and I mean that literally. Some days I hardly see them because they are so busy playing in their room or outside and they can't be bothered to stop. They will play with toys of course but they will use anything at their disposal and make something out of it. Their ability to entertain themselves without the use of artificial means like computers or TV is incredible. In fact they never use a computer and very rarely watch TV. I use TV mainly as a tool to help them sit down and calm themselves when their minds are racing and I can tell they need a break to vegetate. At night, they stay up into the wee hours because they are so busy thinking that sometimes they cannot sleep.

Today we registered them for kindergarten and they had an assessment. There were colored blocks setting out for the kids to play with while we did paperwork. They spent the entire time that they weren't talking to the teacher (which totaled about an hour) making complex patterns out of the blocks. The aide was amazing and noted how intricate the patterns were. Then my younger daughter began to build patterns upward from the table (they were non-connecting blocks) in 3D, in double helix style. The aide was extremely surprised and said she didn't think she had seen any other kids do that. To my daughters, it was all in a days play.

So there we go. I had to say just how special my girls are, amazing people in every way, nothing short of exceptional. They are excited for school to get underway, and I look forward to what the school year will bring!

So in love

Things are finally smoothing out around here :) Baby Goo is 3 months old and life is looking up, in a lot of ways. Physically, I’m completely healed from my surgery and have been for awhile. We figured out our nursing troubles (mainly caused by a tongue tie that my son had, which  has now been corrected.) So no more plugged ducts, no more pain and it’s going beautifully! Loving it all the time. My original goal was to get to 6 months breastfeeding, then possibly a year. I live in a great community for breastfeeding support so now I think my goal may even be longer than a year! We’ll see where the future takes us :)

I’m working on weight loss and getting in shape and unfortunately about 6 or 8 weeks ago I tore a ligament in my knee and had to stop running after only 2 weeks into my exercise regimen! I was so disappointed. Instead I began focusing more on my diet and that is going very well. I have cut back the amount I am taking in and in the past month I have lost 5 lbs. and 1 inch off my waist. Yeah! It definitely feels good to see progress. I have 3 more lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was heavier than it should have been because of medication I was taking.) So ultimately I’d like to lose 10 more lbs. after that. I know I can do it! It isn’t always easy but I have the goal and I am determined to reach it.

The kids are doing great as well and my twins are about to start school! I can’t believe they are growing so fast. I remember when they were born, thinking 5 years was so far away but it has passed in the blink of an eye. Now with my son, I am doing things a bit differently.  I know how fast it goes and instead of lamenting the hard times I am cherishing every moment because it will be gone all too soon. I am so in love with my baby boy, I just can’t get enough of him! I think he is the cutest, sweetest baby that ever was. :) I love every little thing about him, he is so beautiful, adorable, loving, I could go on and on with glowing adjectives, in short, I am just completely enamored of him! I LOVE MY BABY GOO and he has totally changed my life, in a wonderful way.

Mentally I am also doing very well. I’ve been making big changes in my life and my anxiety level is lowest it has been in years. I realized I wasn’t happy with the way things were going and ultimately, I had to change things for them to get better. It feels so awesome to know that I’m not watching life pass me by anymore and I’m actively out there doing things and enjoying things instead of being held back by anxiety and depression. I can only assume right now I’m in “remission” (I have no idea what they call it with bipolar!) But I’ve been med free and episode free for a year now and I’m doing so great.

Life is good.

The best day of my life

Another long day, but today, it was a good one. We are finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine now that little guy is 2 months old. He generally goes to bed for the night around 8-10 PM and will sleep for a stretch of about 6 hours. A few times he has slept 7 hours. Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep for me because I still have to either nurse him or pump the milk at some point. But, having him be more predictable is helping a lot. I know that by 10 PM, all 3 kids will be in bed and I at least will have a little bit of time to myself. Sometimes just to clean up, but still, it’s time to have quiet and recharge :)

Having more of a schedule and knowing what to expect is allowing me to start feeling better. It felt like pure chaos up to this point and now things are settling down and I do have some enjoyable days in there instead of feeling like I can’t face anything! I’ve also decided I need to let go of certain ideas. My house is not always going to be clean. My kids aren’t always going to get lunch at 12 noon on the dot. I’m not always going to be able to play when they ask and I’m not always going to have time to look done up and “pretty”. But you know, that’s OK. This is all a stage of life and like any stage in life, especially when it comes to kids, it only lasts a short time and then it is onto something else. Instead of spending my precious moments worrying about toothpaste on the mirror or the stove top being wiped down, I’m going to do what I can with my kids, because that is what truly matters. Are they going to remember that the laundry was washed and folded every single day or not? No. Are they going to remember if I made the time for them, and if they felt important and loved? Yes.

So now, every morning when I wake up, I have already have a mindset of what is going to happen. Before noon is kid time. I spend it nursing my son, playing with him and helping his little brain to grow. I talk with my girls at breakfast and play with them. After lunch, I can start doing more things that I “need” to do but up to that point, I’m not worrying about anything. Whatever happens happens and I’m letting it all go. It’s good for everyone and it’s nice to wake up to kids who are excited to see me instead of their replacements who are whiny and sassy because they aren’t getting any attention or mommy time.

So, today was a good day. Got up and playing with little guy while his sisters were at grandpa's. His smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, hearing him giggle and coo and reach for me. Sorted through some photos to work on some scrapbooks (when I get the time). Reminisced about the last year. My girls came home from spending the night at their grandpa’s after lunch. We all went to town and bought some paint and a storm door to brighten up the front of our house. Baby napped while we shopped, kids ran around like crazy. But it was still a nice time. I didn’t get upset, and I didn’t lose my patience. I just went with it, and we smiled and laughed and examined all the neat things that kids find in the home improvement store that look so big when you’re so little :) Came home, my husband made dinner while I nursed my babe and then the rest of us ate. No tantrums like usual, no “ordering” them to eat. They chowed down until their little bellies were full and I couldn’t have been happier. More talking and laughing and having a generally good time. My girls wanted me to go into our basement and look through some things but I had to clean up dinner first. My daughter, of her own free will, volunteered to help me so that I would have the time to come with her. Only 5, and already a tender hearted one, who loves her mama and wants to help. I melted.

We went downstairs while hubby held the baby, and I didn’t need to do much. Just watch and giggle and they were satisfied. Seeing them play with all their baby toys brought back so many memories…nearly every one of those toys has a picture to go along with it, or a specific memory from way back then. I started to tear up and felt…well, too much for words. We came up and they had dessert while I took my baby and went to nurse him and put him to bed. Holding him there in the darkened bedroom, I reflected on the events of the day and smiled. It was a good day. It doesn’t get much better than this. A thousand things went through my mind as I sat there, holding my precious little one against me so close, listening to him breathe and stroking his warm skin, soft hair. The love I felt was beyond compare. Again, I teared up. I wished I could tell him how much it all meant to me but of course a 2 month old wouldn’t understand. I laid him down but after a few minutes, he fussed. I went back, took him into my bed and nursed him some more. He clung to me as we laid side by side, his blue eyes staring up at mine, his little hand wrapped around my finger, and without words I knew he was saying he loved me, and he needed me and wanted nothing more than to feel that comfort in return. I thought my heart would explode.

Now all my kids are soundly sleeping and I’m sitting here, writing this all down, crying because I’m just so emotional. I want to remember this day, these moments, the moments that go so fast and that mean more than anything to me. These moments of love and warmth and joy and comfort…all the reasons that being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Overwhelming stress, life is getting to me

Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe not.

I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s a million at once. When it rains, it pours. 

Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.

So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again. Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could really know.

I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released” or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.

So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high. And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress. 

Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t helping anything.

I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO HARD???

I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day. I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.