Well...it's been about a week since my last post, and no real changes going on. I don't go see my psychiatrist for another 2 weeks and won't see my therapist for another month. My doctor visits have been a lot more sporadic now that I've been stable for awhile, and basically they are just to touch base and make sure everything is going alright.
I'm debating on whether I want to go off the Zyprexa and try another med. Although Zyprexa has helped me gain stability it has also made me gain something else - a lot of weight! I have gained between 20-25 lbs and it is just beyond ridiculous. I am thinking I might like to try Geodon instead, because it isn't supposed to cause weight gain. And it may sound superficial, but I am going to Hawaii for my wedding anniversary this year and I really don't want to look like a beached whale in my bathing suit. :P But, we'll wait and see what my psychiatrist says.
Other than that, not much to report except that my husband and I are buying a house and we sign our closing paperwork in a couple of days. I am uber excited...I have wanted my own home since I was 18. Now, 10 years later my wish is finally coming true!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Feeling blase
Well, it's been awhile since I posted, I've been so bad about keeping up on my written blog. I swear I will try to do better from now on :)
I guess technically, I'm doing well. I'm stable, I haven't had any episodes in probably 3 or 4 months since being on the Zyprexa. And although that is a good thing, in a way it sucks. I find myself missing the rollercoaster. Why? I couldn't even tell you. Maybe because it was more exciting. Maybe because I was more creative, and I actually got things done. Maybe because I had ambition and motivation before. Although there is something to be said for stability, I miss feeling like my real self in ways, and I admit I have been tempted to stop taking my meds.
Truthfully, I've been drinking a lot more lately as well, and I know I need to stop that habit before it becomes too hard to quit. I think I drink because I want to feel something again, although the majority of time, it simply winds up putting me to sleep. Yet, still, I continue going to the bottle. Both of my parents have had problems with alcohol use so I guess it the apple wouldn't be falling far from the tree as they say. I find myself craving cigarettes all the time too. I quit in August but lately it's been a real struggle to stay off of them. The only thing that stops me is knowing I don't want my kids to see that and grow up thinking it's ok. But it is damn hard.
So, I should be happy right now, it's spring, the days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer. But I find myself in a strange state of blase, wishing that I felt something more than what I do.
I guess technically, I'm doing well. I'm stable, I haven't had any episodes in probably 3 or 4 months since being on the Zyprexa. And although that is a good thing, in a way it sucks. I find myself missing the rollercoaster. Why? I couldn't even tell you. Maybe because it was more exciting. Maybe because I was more creative, and I actually got things done. Maybe because I had ambition and motivation before. Although there is something to be said for stability, I miss feeling like my real self in ways, and I admit I have been tempted to stop taking my meds.
Truthfully, I've been drinking a lot more lately as well, and I know I need to stop that habit before it becomes too hard to quit. I think I drink because I want to feel something again, although the majority of time, it simply winds up putting me to sleep. Yet, still, I continue going to the bottle. Both of my parents have had problems with alcohol use so I guess it the apple wouldn't be falling far from the tree as they say. I find myself craving cigarettes all the time too. I quit in August but lately it's been a real struggle to stay off of them. The only thing that stops me is knowing I don't want my kids to see that and grow up thinking it's ok. But it is damn hard.
So, I should be happy right now, it's spring, the days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer. But I find myself in a strange state of blase, wishing that I felt something more than what I do.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Dealing with anxiety issues
Wow, it's been quite awhile since I've posted...about a month and a half. I must say I update my video blogs more often than my written blog, I think I have a lot of the same viewers of both though so people can still say somewhat current on what's going on with me.
The Zyprexa is still working out well for me. I haven't had any episodes since I have been on it, and I think its around 3 months or so now. I have gained a bit of weight...probably about 15 lbs. I'm not sure whether that is because it causes an increase in appetite or because it changes the way fats are metabolized. I think it's mainly the latter, but I'm not 100% sure.
Anyhow my current bag of worms is dealing with some anxiety issues. I can't remember if I blogged about it before but basically, I've always had somewhat of a problem with anxiety. When I was a teenager and went to a counselor for the first time I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder, which basically is chronic, excessive anxiety that is disproportionate to the situation. Now it's not something I've dealt with all the time but it is there more often than not, especially lately. I'm not really sure why it is coming out so much as of late but that's the case. I find myself having anxiety attacks over every little thing, big or small (granted, there have been a lot of big things going on in my life, so some anxiety is warranted, but not all of it.)
I'm just starting to explore these anxiety issues with my counselor and psychiatrist. My counselor informed me of some methods, like talking aloud to yourself about what is going on around you to help keep you in the moment and prevent you from worrying about the past or future. Most of the methods of dealing with anxiety focus on staying in the present and not straying to worry about things in the past or future, or things that are out of your control. It has helped, a little, but I wouldn't say the problem is gone. And that really sucks. Chronic anxiety can really be crippling, in some ways even moreso than the ups and downs of bipolar. Combine the two and you're dealing with a really tough pickle.
My psychiatrist suggested taking an anti-depressant to help deal with the anxiety but I passed on that for now. I've taken them before, as a teen and they made me feel like a zombie. Plus, I know it is controversial to give people with bipolar anti-depressants at all, because they can possible cause you to spiral into a manic episode and trigger problems, which my psychiatrist admitted. So yeah, I'm avoiding that road for now.
That's about all for now. In other news, we are in the middle of buying a home, so it's an exciting but very SLOW process. Maybe the next time I post I'll finally be a homeowner! I'll try to be better about updating this blog more often in the upcoming weeks.
The Zyprexa is still working out well for me. I haven't had any episodes since I have been on it, and I think its around 3 months or so now. I have gained a bit of weight...probably about 15 lbs. I'm not sure whether that is because it causes an increase in appetite or because it changes the way fats are metabolized. I think it's mainly the latter, but I'm not 100% sure.
Anyhow my current bag of worms is dealing with some anxiety issues. I can't remember if I blogged about it before but basically, I've always had somewhat of a problem with anxiety. When I was a teenager and went to a counselor for the first time I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder, which basically is chronic, excessive anxiety that is disproportionate to the situation. Now it's not something I've dealt with all the time but it is there more often than not, especially lately. I'm not really sure why it is coming out so much as of late but that's the case. I find myself having anxiety attacks over every little thing, big or small (granted, there have been a lot of big things going on in my life, so some anxiety is warranted, but not all of it.)
I'm just starting to explore these anxiety issues with my counselor and psychiatrist. My counselor informed me of some methods, like talking aloud to yourself about what is going on around you to help keep you in the moment and prevent you from worrying about the past or future. Most of the methods of dealing with anxiety focus on staying in the present and not straying to worry about things in the past or future, or things that are out of your control. It has helped, a little, but I wouldn't say the problem is gone. And that really sucks. Chronic anxiety can really be crippling, in some ways even moreso than the ups and downs of bipolar. Combine the two and you're dealing with a really tough pickle.
My psychiatrist suggested taking an anti-depressant to help deal with the anxiety but I passed on that for now. I've taken them before, as a teen and they made me feel like a zombie. Plus, I know it is controversial to give people with bipolar anti-depressants at all, because they can possible cause you to spiral into a manic episode and trigger problems, which my psychiatrist admitted. So yeah, I'm avoiding that road for now.
That's about all for now. In other news, we are in the middle of buying a home, so it's an exciting but very SLOW process. Maybe the next time I post I'll finally be a homeowner! I'll try to be better about updating this blog more often in the upcoming weeks.
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