Hypersexuality and sensory seeking in bipolar mania and elevated states

I originally was going to write this blog and somehow wound up writing 6 other blogs about mania and mental health…everything BUT this. HA! There goes my wonky brain :/

I warn up front there may be some content some find offensive. However, I can’t fully address the issue without expanding on a few subjects within this idea of sex.

Many people have commented that hypersexuality must be great and they wish THEY had it! It’s funny how anything related to sex, people think is just the most amazing thing.

In reality, hypersexuality isn’t fun at all. I’ve been experiencing it to a huge degree lately and I hate it. Let me tell you why.

People envision being hypersexual as having the most or best pleasure when it actually does not bring pleasure at all.

In normal life, people can get sexual or sensual pleasure in lots of (healthy, non-morally ambiguous) ways. You can get pleasure from, say, kissing your boyfriend, or reading a risqué note from your husband. You can get pleasure from a nice body massage or receiving a “for your eyes only” photo from your wife. That’s normal sexuality, normal sexual feelings.

When you’re in a hypersexual state, the craving for pleasure is magnified hugely. And it is exactly that – a craving, at times an overwhelming, unbearable and unstoppable compulsion. Does it sound fun to have an unbearable compulsion that you don’t really want to give into but feel as if you can’t control? No. It’s horrible. It can be a super difficult battle.

I personally am a wife and mother. Granted my marriage is not great. But I am not the cheating type. I find it to be morally wrong, regardless of if my marriage is bad or any other factors. Not to mention I am also a Christian and I believe that cheating as well as sex outside of marriage (meaning, sex as a single person with another single person) is spiritually wrong. I believe we have a moral obligation to ourselves, to each other and to God to be morally upright and not slaves to sexual pleasure. As I mentioned there are plenty of healthy ways to express sexual feelings. But random sexual hookups, booty calls and inappropriate sexual behavior isn’t one of them.

So you can see how having intensely overbearing impulses to have sex with a stranger or to broadcast naked pictures or videos of yourself, or any related thing would be a huge moral conflict. Unfortunately, being in a hypersexual state is often accompanied by other cognitive dysfunction which can then lead a person to being ruled by the compulsion to act out. I can compare it to trying to restrain a wild bear with a cage made of cardboard. That bear is just itching to break out and the cardboard won’t hold indefinitely. If it somehow manages to, that cardboard will no doubt be shredded and crumpled in a heap at the end.

So it is with our sexual state when altered. Trying to bridle and restrain the compulsive sexual urges can seem impossible. It causes physical discomfort when in an extremely elevated state. The average man who goes without sex for long periods of time or becomes excited and then must stop sometimes complain about the physical discomfort of a heightened state of being aroused without getting a release. I would describe these hypersexual feelings for a woman as the female equivalent of that. It becomes physically painful to the point where a person feels they must have a release of some sort. It may be enjoyable at first to have that slight pain but after a while it is sheer torture.

Here’s the second problem. Even if you have someone to (legitimately) give you a release, most of the time, it IS NOT SATISFYING. Imagine it. That intense sexual craving, feeling that you need it or you may possibly explode, heightened to a point that will not “simmer down”. You expect you will have mind blowing sex, that you will release the tension and it will be glorious.

That’s not what happens. What happens is you have those sexual experiences and 30 minutes later…it’s as if it never happened. The horrible sexual tension and physical aching are there. What do you do?!?!? You feel like you must get it out. You need sex again…you need more of it. So you do. Annnnd….30 minutes later, the feeling is creeping up there again, tormenting you.

It is horrible, a feeling of intense need for release yet getting NO release, despite what you do, for how long or with whom. I believe this is why people with bipolar who are promiscuous behave in such a manner while elevated or altered. I personally do believe cheating is morally wrong and not acceptable to give into such desires. However, logically knowing and believing it does not stop the thoughts, feelings and compulsions. If a person DOES do something, it often leads to guilt and shame when “coming down” from the elevated state. Even if a person doesn’t do anything, there can be guilt and shame associated simply for letting the mind stray into inappropriate territory or entertaining the thoughts at all. The inability to control thoughts or feelings is a great cause of pain (emotionally), not pleasure.

In an early manic period I had, I recall the intense hypersexuality…dressing provocatively, flirting with anyone who came around, the whole deal. My husband and I had sex constantly for probably a week. Was it fun? No. It was awful. Because no matter what I did, the feeling DID NOT GO AWAY!!! I felt as if I were being slowly tortured. It reached a point where my muscles were physically sore and tired, I was raw and uncomfortable. Yet I STILL had this overbearing compulsion!!! Talk about agonizing. There was nothing good about it. Not. One. Thing.

I’ve been in a hypersexual state intermittently for a few weeks now, and much as all the times before, it is awful. I’d much rather go back to my normal state of hardly caring about sex at all to this!!! The cravings remain yet I know logically nothing I do will satiate them. In fact, a way I now try to control such compulsions is by thinking to the future. I remind myself how acting on any inappropriate sexual impulse ultimately leads to no reward. My body thinks it will, but my deep mind knows it won’t. I know the result will be: guilt, damage to relationship with spouse, damage to relationship with God, damage to self-esteem, embarrassment, a whole host of negative feelings and consequences that will last far longer than the sexual act (whether that be through text, email, video, or in person) would.

Trying to consciously fight the feelings away though is very exhausting. I have in the past few days begun taking anti-psychotic meds again because I have enough insight to realize that some compulsions I have are beyond my ability to consciously control.It just stinks.

Memory Lapses, Time Distortion and Cognitive Impairment in Bipolar/BPD & Mental Illness

As I mentioned, I’ve been in an altered state for a while, having all the multitude of things that go along with it. It’s like your world gets flipped and stretched every which way. A couple posts back I mentioned the artistic wordless video I made of what the internal feelings are like, sensory wise. The shifting colors, time speeding/slowing, blackness, erratic moods. If you’re interested, you can view it HERE.

So, I’ve been having quite a few cognitive difficulties as well as memory issues currently. This occurs with both bipolar and BPD (which I have) but also other disorders such as schizophrenia and schizoaffective.

Some might describe it as forgetfulness, which is common, but it is more than that. It’s more like a complete blank, almost like a form of amnesia. I often find myself lately walking from point A to point B and standing there without a clue as to why I am there. Just this morning I went from the kitchen to the bathroom to get something. I stood in front of my robe thinking, is this what I needed? I couldn’t figure it out. I reached in the pocket. Was it chap stick I needed? I couldn’t remember. I just stood there with a total black backdrop in my head. I couldn’t for the life of me remember at all. I decided to just go back to the kitchen. Then I remembered what I needed and went back and got it. The ironic this is, writing this now, it’s only a couple hours later and I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS :/ That’s how bad it is! It happens dozens of times a day, over and over and over and is incredibly frustrating.It's as if once I get to where I'm going, I have no memory or reference point at all.

Similarly related is the feeling of having time distortion. It generally goes along with the memory lapses. I know that I have had conversations with people the last few days but I don’t remember them at all or I remember just bits randomly. I just talked to someone on the phone yesterday and said “Did I already text you that?” I was sure I hadn’t. They said I did. I didn’t remember it at all even though it apparently was a few minutes prior. Later that night I thought about that conversation. I was looking through my phone, and many of the numbers I couldn’t remember even getting the calls, whether they were missed calls or had messages on them. I found the phone call of that conversation. I had thought we only talked maybe 4 or 5 minutes, just quickly in passing. The record said 19 minutes. 19 minutes? What on earth did we say for 19 minutes? I honestly don’t know. It weirds me out so much knowing there is no memory of it. I only recall maybe 2 or 3 sentences that were said. I’ve been puzzling over it but there is no answer, just a strange sort of amnesia there, like the blackness I mentioned before.

I know this all has to do with our limbic system and the complex way that structures like the amygdala and hippocampus work together. Often, outsiders (meaning people without these types of mental issues) will say things like “Oh everyone has that sometimes.” I know what they mean, because yes, everyone is forgetful at times. But not everyone has amnesia for their day to day events, and I have enough insight to realize that this is a distortion of time, place and memory, again, related to happenings within the limbic system and likely other parts of the brain as well.

People often believe that “mood disorders” like bipolar are simply emotion related, but that is untrue. They also involve, as I mentioned: sensation, perception, memory, behavior. Just goes to show how complex our brain is and how many structures interact to form what we consider “normal” or “abnormal” manifestations of behavior and consciousness.

People have mentioned that when they are altered time can seem to speed up or slow down. It is the same for me. I lose track of the day and time completely sometimes. Yesterday, the day of the above mentioned call, I know I was at home with my son for hours but can’t recall if I did anything. I know I watched him playing for a good 3 hours. But the rest of the hours somehow passed without me really being able to recall what events occurred. The things themselves become blurry or disappear and sometimes even the chronological order in which things happen seems to become muddled. I sometimes find I do not know what day it is (Monday, Wednesday, etc.) or even what month it is! I find myself looking outside puzzling over whether it’s June or October despite the fact there is snow on the ground.

The perception of things shifts. A few days back when putting my son to bed, I sat outside his room while he fell asleep (we’re working on getting him to fall asleep alone, without me sitting with him.) I was looking at the carpet and recall how it was almost like a strange hallucination. The carpet appeared to be shimmering, like someone had sprinkled glitter all over it, even though I was sitting in dim lighting. It also appeared to be shaking slightly, a light “quivering” motion like waves of static on a TV or small waves on the ocean (the motion, not the color or appearance.)

It really stinks because we all need an “anchor” to keep us rooted just in our day to day lives. Date/time/place/events, these things give us a reference point for other things. When the reference points become mixed or start disappearing it can make it difficult to make sense of anything.

Mania/Altered Mood and Compulsions in Bipolar and Mental Illness

I would definitely say that strong urges and compulsions are a part of highly altered mood. I will refer to it as altered since involves more than just elevation in a “happy” sense. The textbooks and the DSM refer to it as “impulsive behavior” but I don’t think that is entirely accurate. Impulsive, yes, it indeed can be. But an impulse is described as “an impelling action or force, driving onward or inducing motion.” while a compulsion is described as “a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will” (dictionary.com). So what is the difference?

I see being impulsive as simply not always looking ahead or seeing the consequences of your behavior. For example, having an impulse to eat chocolate cake when you’re on a diet might be because you’re thinking of the joy of eating it and not the consequences of gaining weight.

Compulsions, in my view, are not the same as impulses. Impulses can be controlled to an extent. Everyone has impulses to some degree. We wouldn’t eat, drink, talk to other people or in general do anything unless we had an impulse to do it.

I would say a compulsion is a very extreme form of an impulse, that is stronger in intensity and at times cannot be controlled either with mental or physical means. What I mean is, when you have a compulsion, simply telling yourself, “Don’t do it! It’s bad for you!” likely does nothing to curb the compulsion or make it go away. At times it can ruminate excessively within the mind to the point it becomes the sole focal point. If you are able to replace the compulsive thought with something else as a distraction, often the compulsion will simply return, but stronger.

With the cake example, a person can have a strong desire to eat cake but may be able to hold themselves back from the impulse to do so by telling themselves of the bad consequences. Compulsions often involve carrying out acts that a person may not even want to do yet feels compelled or pushed by some force to do so. If the person knew the cake was bad for their diet truly did not want to eat it, and tried to resist the urge to do it, yet was still overcome and ate the cake anyway, it would more likely be a compulsion rather than simply an impulse. People think of it as an issue of simple self-control. “Just don’t do it!” They say. But more is going on than that. Often the person is actively trying to control the impulse or compulsion. It’s more an inability to control the compulsion rather than a willingness to complete the act. Compulsive feelings are horrible because you do feel like you are out of control of your own body and mind, not that what you are doing is so awesome and incredible.

It seems that often compulsions are sensory in nature. In what is currently described as mania, what doctors call “impulsive behavior” generally refer to compulsions that involve sensory seeking/pleasure sensory input. The stereotypical example of a person being promiscuous is used often. However it usually is not elaborated on. I myself have never been a promiscuous person in my “normal” life. I can easily dismiss a temptation to do something wrong or what I would consider immoral in my NORMAL state. However when in an extreme altered state, I have realized that sexual compulsions begin to manifest. Many times it is unspecific – it is simply a form of sensory seeking, in any way or means available.

I believe that is why in bipolar disorder or people with extreme mood disturbance, these sexual pleasure seeking behaviors can run the gamut. A person may seek out pleasure by having a risqué conversation with a friend or stranger, they may dress provocatively to draw attention to themselves, they may have sex multiple times a day, either with their committed partner or with random partners, they may experiment with any number of things, people, or experiences. I personally have done some things that I never would have under normal circumstances. But looking back, the compulsions were like an obsessive drive that could not be curbed. And it did incite guilt for having been unable to control the compulsion.

Compulsions that result in pleasure seeking also relate to things like drugs and alcohol. I would describe it as an insane craving, much like the sexual pleasure seeking compulsion. It is another form of sensory seeking. A person may use/abuse any number of drugs or alcohol or other substances. Food can become an object of compulsion as well.

Much of this is well documented in bipolar disorder. However people seem to only discuss sexually related “impulses” or again the stereotypical “reckless driving” etc.

However, often the compulsions I have had are just random or nonsensical in nature. I would still consider them to be sensory seeking, but in a non-pleasure centered way.  They tended to center around the sensory components of taste and touch mainly, scent to a lesser degree.

For example, in my early altered periods years ago I spoke of having some very strange compulsions – the compulsion to eat garbage was particularly weird and gross when revealed to other people (thankfully I never went through with that one). I had compulsions relating to just about everything – compulsions to lick or taste things that are non-food objects (soap, engine oil, the walls of the house, etc.) Compulsions to touch things like people’s skin. I had self-harm compulsions but they weren’t purposeful self-harm (meaning, I didn’t consciously use it as a way to relieve anxiety or cope with pain). I recall walking around my backyard in a circular motion, scratching my arms repetitively with the sharp end of a cigarette lighter. This went on for awhile and my arms became red and raw in some places. It wasn’t a purposeful self-harm, but as I mentioned, a sheer compulsion, an uncontrollable urge. I felt that I needed to scratch myself and I did so continually.

I also had compulsions that involved repetition which I spoke of before. They mainly related to organizing things or movement. For example I would compulsively arrange things in rows or patterns, walk in patterns or speak in patterns. There was absolutely no sound reason for why I did this, other than the overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to do so. It served no real purpose other than to carry out the compulsion that was plaguing my mind and therefore “rid” myself of the compulsion.

However ridding myself of the compulsion only lasted a short while and it would return again, sometimes the same one, sometimes multiple or different ones. The result was, to an outsider onlooker, completely bizarre and nonsensical  behavior overall.

Only now after close to 5 years have I come to more of an insight and understanding about some of these things that I experience. I always tried to lump everything I experience under the heading of “bipolar” since my initial diagnosis. However, I currently believe that almost all mental illnesses are related. Just in this description alone one could say I had symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, autism and more. And that is just talking about the compulsive aspect of mental illness without regard to the host of other factors that occur.

In my current altered state I have been experiencing some compulsions yet again along with a whole host of other manifestations, which I plan to write about. Right now I am in a coherent enough state to describe it but later today, who knows.

External triggers are huge in bipolar and mental illness

So I finally after all these years realized that my outside environment triggers me constantly. There is this misconception in the mental health field I think that certain mental disorders are “all in the mind” or “biologically based” meaning not much influenced by outside factors. Well, that is just WRONG. Saying something is biologically based is kind of nonsense. If you want to break it down literally EVERYTHING we do is biologically based. Eating, drinking, talking, our personality traits, behavior, perceptions, sensations, every single thing about us originates in our brain and nervous system. So yes, everything can be found to have a biological basis. But that discounts the fact that we are indeed influenced by outside factors regardless of whatever our particular biology may be, whether we have this illness or that illness or NO illness. One thing that is really irking me lately is this argument about “bipolar depression” vs. “unipolar depression”. There really is no distinction. Both are influenced by internal and external factors. But instead of digressing, I wanted to talk about triggers, meaning external sources that influence mood or mental state.

I’ve noticed that I’m incredibly sensitive to outside stimuli. Lights, noise, textures, anything that relates to the senses or sensory processing affects me in a huge way. In fact, so much so that it can bring on altered mood state where there were none previously occurring.

Let me give you an example. I’ve been in the throes of some pretty extreme rollercoaster “episodes” if you will for a while. Yesterday I woke up the feeling OK – neither up nor down. I felt slightly bored as I was going through the motions of getting kids off to school, picking up the house etc. I decided to put on some upbeat music. I almost never watch TV but was in the mood for something “poppy” so I turned on MTV. Seeing people dancing and hearing the beats made my mood start rising. Well it rose a little too much, pretty fast. I got up to the edge where excitement and agitation combine.

My heart was racing non-stop, I was short of breath. I felt like I was going to have a pleasure explosion and anxiety attack at the same time. This went on for hours. I was jumping all around and just had to talk to someone, just HAD TO. I started texting random people, a couple that I barely know or don’t know at all. I was really impatient when some didn’t respond immediately and then began to feel irritated that they DIDN’T respond. Why didn’t they respond? I’M FUN!!!! LET’S TALK!!! NOW!!!

So after some people responded I was laughing and LOL’ing non-stop over my phone for a couple of hours, music still playing in the background. I’d dance and laugh and totally just surrender to the feeling of pleasure spreading through my body, sexual surges pulsing in and out.

Then some slow songs would come on and the texting would slow down. FLIP. I’d sit and start drifting off. My heartbeat would go down, and I felt tired and bored yet again. I’d go to some calm activity to try to keep from being bored. Then it would get annoying. On comes my iPod, different peppy songs. FLIP.

Back to sensation overload. I really didn’t want to feel either extreme…I didn’t want to be blah and bored and I didn’t want to be so overly excited or agitated. I was completely influenced by the music and the conversations.

Eventually the day went on and I did my chores. I showered. My husband got home from work. I immediately dragged him into the bedroom for wild sex. I got dressed, we ate dinner. He watched the kids so I could get out of the house. I got in my truck and listened to some music and found myself giddily driving and completely distracted. I went to run some errands. I got to the store and wandered aimlessly, thoughts drifting. Texted some people to “come play hide and seek”. There was nothing to fuel my mind or body in the half dead store at night, no real stimulation or interaction, save with the cashier. I got into my car with a slight headache, went home. Was tired and blah when I got back. Hyperactivity = gone. I picked up a tiny bit and just went to sleep.

I see how everything around me was a trigger. Either a trigger to go up or a trigger to come down. The more stimulation I had, the higher I rose and the less I had the more I drifted down.

It’s an interesting observation, one that I have noted consistently over the course of the last year. So, if you’re reading this and have the same issues, keep an eye on the stuff around you. Beware that you aren’t unduly causing (or severely exacerbating) your own moods. Yeah I know, easier said than done, ha.

Correlation between Mania and Anxiety

My anxiety has been high for quite some time now. I’ve actually been having panic attacks often. I think that that underlying anxiety plays a big part in mood fluctuations. The physiological state of anxiety actually is not much different from the physiological state of being excited (happily). Both can cause: restlessness, a jittery feeling, racing heartbeat, racing thoughts, shortness of breath. The only difference is that anxiety is manifested in fearful behavior such as paranoia/irritation/anger whereas excitation is manifested in behavior like sensory seeking/risk taking/euphoria.

I noticed this back in April and made a video journal about the correlation between anxiety states and elevated or “manic” states.

So currently, as I said, my anxiety has been quite high. However the physiological symptoms I mentioned above fluctuate with regard to whether it manifests as fearful anxiousness or excited elation. It cycles back and forth, back and forth over the course of the day. At times the anxiety comes out as a panic attack, then it will flip on a dime and become excited elation and I will start to compulsively do things. Something to get into in another post.

What does bipolar FEEL like?

I’m going to try to get through this post, I wanted to write it last night but was so tired and had such a headache I just went to bed.

So, firstly, I really hate the mental health diagnostic system they have (i.e. the DSM). Even when you read about mental disorders in textbooks or other descriptions they simply read like a long list, and it really does no justice to the actual feelings and the actual experience of it. For example, a book might say,

“People with bipolar have the following symptoms: 

  Elated mood

  

 Irritability

         Distractability

         Impulsive behavior”

Ok, well, that can encompass a LOT. That’s like saying “I had a good day today.” Well, describe it! What made it good? How did it feel? It seems like the only people who talk about how it feels publicly are bloggers like myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a doctor really describe what a person with mental illness experiences other than the dry, bland stereotypical descriptions.

There are a couple bad things about this. 1) Everyone is constantly trying to lump themselves into these “categories”. And 2) No one really fits into those exact categories because so many people have multiple mental issues occurring simultaneously (such as bipolar and BPD, bipolar and OCD, etc.) You see the doctor and they want to figure out, are you having a manic episode? A mixed episode? Psychotic depression? Erratic mood swings from BPD? Dissociation?

The truth is there is no fine line, there is no real delineation between it all. My mood has been significantly altered lately and it has elements of all the things I’ve listed above. If I were to try to distinguish over the past week (or more) what “state” I was in I doubt I could. Maybe therein lies the problem. There really is no one “state”. Every state is simply a combination of many things you experience. I realize that we all must call it SOMEthing for the sake of clarity but in my view, I’d like to be as accurate as possible. So for now it involves just describing it all. Most would probably describe me as “manic” right now, but I think “altered” is more accurate.

Two nights ago I made an art video of what it FEELS like to live in this manner. I’d been wanting to make a professional movie like this for years and finally realized I could just use the programs I had on hand to at least give it a shot. I’d be going through all these mood states/mental disturbances and I wanted people to see not just the stereotypical list of symptoms but to see what it is like within our minds when these things occur, what the experience is like internally. If you’re interested in viewing, follow the link to watch ALTERED