War Zone

My world has crumbled down around me

I watched it as it fell, helpless to keep it whole

I could not stop the inevitable progression

First one brick, then another

Til it all tumbled down

And spiraled out of control

And the pain I feel is like a massive missile

Has been projected directly into my heart

Piercing it, exploding with such magnitude

That there are a hundred pieces of me blown apart

Coagulated bits of blood and flesh here and there

A clump of tangled hair

A stump of a limb, with raw nerves exposed

And my mind, just alive enough to see the wreckage and know the end is imminent

Just waiting for that moment to come

Feeling like a thousand eternities

Awaiting the second it will all be snuffed out

And the pain will end

Because there is no one around

To make this swift

No one to show mercy

No one

But me

9/8/2013

Trauma

My breathing has become slow and shallow now

My body and mind exhausted, worn down

From days upon days of heightened senses

And the height of the trauma has been reached

Hit its climax, senses having been stressed

So strong, and so long

Heart racing, body shaking, hyperventilating

Mind exploding

At the thoughts of you

And I can barely keep my eyes open to write this

Weary and weak

The motor burned to a crisp

Blackened and charred

Barely ticking anymore

Like an endless row of fireworks

Rising up from the ground

Whistling as they soar up and up

Higher, higher, higher, one after the other

And finally exploding with deafening force

Talons of piercing light shooting out, flashing and crackling away

With every memory brought up

They begin anew

With such ferocity

The town awakens in fear

Now with the fading of light

I’m left here, nearly dead

The skeletons having been dredged up from the murky waters beneath

Exhumed, leaving the silt and detritus to settle

And me, looking around at the bodies

Shell shocked

Not knowing where to go from here

9/8/2013

Borderline

Love and hate

They seem like such simple concepts to grasp

Such basic emotions that we feel deep down on a fundamental level

We love the things that are good

And loathe the things that are bad

And it sounds so very simple

That no one could mistake one for the other

No one could confuse the two

But that is how I live

And where I exist

The love/hate dichotomy is one that makes no sense to me

And therein lies the problem

If I cannot separate out

Two such diametrically opposed emotions

How can I understand myself

Or anything around me?

I understand love

And I understand hate

Two opposite ends of a spectrum

That do not meet in the middle

So when I’m confronted with a situation

Where love and hate converge

I cannot understand, I cannot make sense of it all

Like being told it is night and day at the same time

Black and white

Logically I know it can’t be true

Rational thinking tells me so

But the feelings are still there

Co-mingling

And it has caused a split inside of me

With my mind fractured into a million pieces

A complete breakdown of function

The inner conflict unresolved

Left to roil and bubble

To stew and fester and eat at me like a cancer

Nagging and nagging

The two parts being drawn together, yet pushed apart

Like magnets

And everything I thought I knew is in question

Love and hate

Right and wrong

Good and bad

I do not know what is what

I cannot trust my own mind

It’s a torment that I live with

Day after day after day

Unending

Hating you and loving you at the same time

On the borderline

9/8/2013

Puzzle Pieces

This will not be easy

This will not be quick

This is only a tiny grain of sand in a pail

The first baby steps toward making sense of this all

All the confusion and pain that I have masked, buried, ignored, projected and now finally

I must own it

I cannot live this way anymore

With everything I bury, I push myself closer to the edge

The feeling of spinning out of control

Eating me like a disease

And I feel so disgusted with myself, with everyone, with the world

That there is no escape

And I feel like tearing my body to shreds

I want to seep out and float away

But there is no way

This is only one piece in a puzzle

I must come to terms with what was

I must accept the things I cannot change

And change the things I can

I must stop pushing it down, down, down into the pit of my belly

Where it burbles and pulses and ultimately comes back up

More violently than before

I cannot let these feelings consume me

Like a devouring fire

Raging through and burning things beyond recognition

So I go back to the beginning

I must pull away all the pieces obscuring what is

I must face it in the light

I must let go

I must take back the power that was stolen

9/6/2013