More downs and back on medication now

Well, where do I begin? I have not been doing so well, unfortunately. Immediately after my last post things took a turn for the worst. I was only off medication for less than a week and I became suicidal. I laid up all night thinking about overdosing, but thankfully I didn't go through with it. The next day I was feeling the same way and emailed my husband about how I was feeling (since he was out of town working). He was concerned and called my dad, who then called me. He came over for awhile and my husband took the rest of the week off of work to come out and be with me since he knew I was in a very bad state. I basically cried for 3 straight days and sat around miserably, doing nothing but thinking of suicide. My dad and husband suggested I start taking my medication again, so I did. It was a really disappointing decision to make. I really had such high hopes that it would go well, yet within a week I was so down it was just unbelievable. A few days later I saw my psychiatrist and she basically said that without medication I probably wasn't as "resilient" as I was on it. I agree with her. Since being back on meds for the past 2 weeks my moods have evened out again and I am doing alright now. It is hard because I realize that I need these meds to be stable but I still have this inner battle with myself of not wanting to take them, of wanting to be "normal" like everyone else, but I know that will just never be. So I am trying to accept that this is the way things are and not be upset about it.

So that's where I am now. For the most part I am feeling fine and life is going on. On a sidenote, I didn't manage to quit smoking. Ahhhhh, hell.

Finally off meds!

Well here is the big news...I am officially OFF MEDICATION now. I actually wasn't going to go off for another week when I went to see my psychiatrist. But I had a few days where I forgot to take them and so I figured I would go ahead and stop now instead of resuming for a week and then quitting. It's been about 4 days and I feel fine, other than having some wicked insomnia. :)

Also, in other news I have decided to try to quit smoking. I woke up one day and the cigarettes just tasted horrible. Now I have very little desire to smoke, so I figured it was time to quit. I am weaning myself back because in the past when I have gone cold turkey I get terrible withdrawals and get migraines, feel sick, etc. So I am trying to cut back a little each day and hopefully by next week I will be off them. I think the biggest challenge is adjusting my habits...I am so used to breaking up my day by going out and smoking it is going to take some time to get used to that not being the case anymore. Also I always have cigarettes at certain times, like first thing in the morning and last thing at night so that will be a bit tough to get used to not having them then. Also, I am a little worried I will become depressed once I quit, since that is what happened last time and that can be a symptom of nicotine withdrawal. But I guess if it happens I will just have to ride it out. I know this is the best thing for my health as well as my kids. I don't smoke around them but they know when I am going outside to smoke and always make comments about it. So I know it is a bad influence. I just hope I can stick to it this time. :)