Awful & ugh

I’m feeling pretty sucky today. I woke up and it was cold and bleary so that started everything off badly. Add to that the fact that I didn’t go to sleep until past 4 am. It was awful. I actually got in bed around 2 but tossed and turned forever. Now today I am feeling super grouchy, I’ve been taking it out on my kids and I feel like shit, just in general but also for being a bitch to them. I was actually crying earlier because when I put my daughter in time out I accidentally hurt her and I would never ever purposely hurt my child. I wanted to just shoot myself right then.

I have so much I need to be doing right now, I only have a short hour while they are napping but I guess I just need to purge this to feel a little better, maybe. I’ve kinda been in a weird funk lately. I guess longer than I realized because today I was thinking that the last time I saw Kristen I told her I was feeling down and that was a month ago. I don’t know if I’ve been “depressed” but I don’t really feel happy a lot lately. I told Kristen that I was just sort of “there”. I think part of it may be the meds I’m on. I’m taking Lamictal which I’ve tolerated well thus far. But when I told my counselor about it, she suggested I talk to my psychiatrist. She wanted to try upping my dosage to see if that helped by down mood. I don’t really know if it is though.

In fact I sort of feel all over the place at the moment. Yesterday I was great…I had an awesome day with the girls, was really happy and today I’m in the crapper. I’m sure some of it is personal stuff going on in my life right now but I don’t really know how much to attribute to that. I hate it when this crap comes on out of the blue and most of the time, that’s how it goes.

I’m a little overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to get done on a regular basis and today I’m really feeling the stress for some reason. It’s all these stupid tiny things piling up and I literally have like two hours of each day to accomplish things which  of course is not much. Just writing this blog is going to take up like 15 minutes of my precious time. I need to email my sister-in-law back and thank her for the gifts she sent my girls…I need to write in my journal which I’ve been putting off. I need to shop for a cord for my camera that was lost somehow and seat covers for my car. I need to get the chip in the windshield fixed and get an autostart put in before the snow falls. I need to do some research for my class, which is on drugs and dependence. It’s interesting but time consuming. I have like two lessons until I’m done, thankfully. Then I have one class left until I have my associates degree. Thank God. I’ve been in school for nearly 4 years and it has taken me this long because I have had so much crap happen along the way and all these obstacles and detours. After this is done I am taking a break from school for awhile. Oh yeah, I also need to go shopping for a bunch of little miscellaneous junk (not usually an easy task when you are toting 2 year twins around who run wild in the store) and I need to finish this scrapbook for my daughter and get started on the one for my other daughter. I’m really into scrapbooks and photo albums because it’s so easy to forget things, putting all the pics and stories together helps remind me. I do a scrapbook for everything important, like each time the girls turn one year older, and all the trips and vacations I take and stuff like that. I’m way behind and the events keep piling up faster than I can do them. It’s a fun hobby but again, time consuming.

On top of it all I’m sorta going through a weird phase right now. I guess you could call it cliché pseudo punk/thrift store trash. I’m into the ugliest most disgusting clothes I can find, anything holey or stained, fishnet stockings, combat boots, ratty beanies and hoodies black fingernails and eyeliner, disheveled hair etc. I get into these stages once in awhile. I like to change my appearance quite often, especially my hair. It all sort of reflects my mood I suppose. In fact I’m cutting my hair next week. I’ve been dying it darker and darker the last year. I’m thinking of going black this time – I look good with dark hair (naturally, my hair is dark blonde). I don’t know how I want it cut yet…probably short, and shaggy.

Ok so I’m done ranting now. My phone keeps beeping, I need to check it and get busy on my school work. I have about 45 minutes until I have to get the girls up and go shopping. At least the sun is starting to come out a little bit. That’s always a good thing.