"I'm not bulimic, I'm depressed!"

I’m having a really shitty day so I figured I’d write something. I think it’s been awhile since I actually wrote.

The Risperdal has seemed to help me although I’m on a small dose. I have noticed, in general, that I tend to be very sensitive to medication (all meds, not just psychoactive meds). I tend to get all the weird or “rare” side effects too. Anyway I felt fine, I actually felt that in the last week or so that it has evened me out somewhat, at least moreso than before.

However today I just woke up feeling blah and shitty and depressed. It was one of those instances where you start off blah, then a bunch of stuff just happens and it becomes like the snowball effect. I wound up sitting around for awhile, being sad and teary and emotional, wanting to just sleep and having no motivation to do anything besides sit on the couch and rest. I had an appt. with my psychiatrist though, so I had to go to that. It turned out to be a good thing, just getting me out of the house, although I pretty much sat in her office and cried for an hour. I normally do not cry, in front of anyone and I’d say I don’t really cry much when I’m alone either. I’m more on the defensive side, at least when it comes to people (“They said what about me? Fuck them, they’re worthless anyway”). I’d rather be mad than sad I guess.

Anyhow, it was somewhat embarrassing to me to sit in a doctors office and cry, I think I’ve only done that once before and that’s when I was in the middle of my worst depression ever, 5 years back, and I was going through such turmoil that I just went to a local clinic to see about getting some anxiety meds so I could calm down enough to eat. I tend not to eat when I get depressed because a lot of times it comes along with anxiety, and my stomach just gets so churned up it literally hurts to eat. Which is bad because I’m already slender to begin with so when I lose weight, well, it’s just bad.

During that depression (which lasted probably 8 months), I lost about 20 lbs., and on my frame, a mere 5 lbs is enough to drop me one clothing size. I hate looking at pictures from back then, because I know I look ill, although I tried to mask it as much as possible and go about being “normal”. I remember being in the store once and this 70 year old woman in a gaudy faux leopard coat & hooker makeup said “How did you get so skinny?” I said “It runs in my family” and she said “I mean, what’s wrong with you?” I was sooo furious and so hurt at the same time. WHO DOES THAT?!?! Here I was, minding my own business, and some old hag has to try to push me down, for what reason? I don’t know. Obviously it bothered me enough to remember it to this day. A few months later, I was dating this guy and after a few weeks he basically told me he thought I was bulimic (“You don’t like to eat in front of people, and you always go to the bathroom after you do eat”). Well, I had braces at the time, so that explains that one. But WOW, talk about hurtful…just what a depressed person wants to hear!!!

Strangely enough, my doctor asked me today, “Have you lost weight?” and I said I didn’t know. I don’t think so though. I was wearing baggy clothes, so maybe that’s why she thought it, or who knows, maybe I look skinnier.

We talked about a lot of stuff…stuff I really don’t feel like talking about right now. Maybe another time. But she said she wanted me to come back next week because even though I thought the meds were helping, she still thought my moods were fluctuating too much, too often. Thinking back, 3 weeks ago I went in manic, 2 weeks ago I went in OK, and today I came in depressed. Yeah I guess that’s a bit of fluctuation. Ha.

I’ve been doing some writing, but don’t want to post it until I post the poems from my hospitalization, and go from there. I did make a couple videos about it, not sure if I will upload them or not yet.

 

Still trying to make sense of bipolar diagnosis - want to go back to life as it was

A brief update – went to see my psychiatrist yesterday. I told her what was going on and she said she wasn’t sure if I was rapid cycling or not. I guess only time will tell. She didn’t really agree with my counselor about the mixed state, she said that she thought it was a part of the mania I’ve recently been experiencing. Ugh. Who knows! Just one more confusing thing. It’s like, where does one thing stop and another begin? There is no line of demarcation. It’s all miscellaneous criteria that is written down in a manual by people who do not experience these things and therefore, how much could they really know? Maybe it really doesn’t mean anything at all. Again, who knows. I could go back and forth all day.

She agreed that my meds probably were not working well and that I should go back on the anti-psychotic meds…I can’t go back to Risperdal, although it worked well, because of side effects. So now, starting today I am trying Seroquel. It’s supposed to be sedating, just like Risperdal. We’ll see if I can handle it or if it makes a difference.

As you can tell I’ve started video blogging too, I’m digging watching other people’s stuff on YouTube also. It’s so helpful to know others are out there experiencing the same stuff. And knowing others can relate to my situation also feels good…I know I’m not totally alone.

I’m not sure when the next time I’ll post will be. In a way all this talking is helping me but in other ways I feel like I’m going around in a circle. I talk to my psychiatrist, my counselor, people around me, then there are my own thoughts to contend with…it tends to add to the confusion rather than simplify. I’ve been having a lot of conflicting thoughts today, one being that I feel the diagnosis of bipolar is really starting to define me, and I don’t want that. I had a lot of “normalcy” in my life before about a year ago…it wasn’t like I was in a perpetual state of confusion and flux. I want to go back to that. I wouldn’t have even gotten treatment had it not been for my spiral out of control. I always dealt with things myself, and that’s pretty much what I want to do again, just take things out of other peoples hands and put them back into my own.

I get so caught up in going to doctors every week or two that it doesn’t help much…in fact I feel like I’m talking so much I’m only making myself worse! Everyone tells you “monitor your moods” and “pay attention to warning signs” and all this other stuff, and it’s sort of like, you have to be on constant guard and I don’t like it. I mean really, what’s the deal with being a little “up” or a little “down”? I think that unless I’m so up that I’m literally “off the map” as my psychiatrist says, or so depressed I want to kill myself, that I should just forget about everything else and go about my life. A part of me doesn’t even want to keep taking meds. I want to just remove this label of bipolar and return to the time when I was contently ignorant. I want to return to my life as I knew it. Ahhhhh…I could go on forever. But I won’t :)

NORMAL day, random junk, and IE SUX!

I wasn’t planning on blogging tonight but I’m up so what the heck. I’ve been up working on school work, and dang…I am so ready for this class to be over. Right now this lesson is over drug prevention programs which I personally think are a crock. No offense if anyone believes in them. I just personally feel if someone is going to drink/smoke/do drugs, for the most part nothing is going to stop them. And from what my textbook says, most prevention programs don’t work. LOL…seems like a lost cause…

Anyways here’s some random junk on my brain. For those viewing this blog on Internet Explorer, sorry if it looks fudged up, from what I hear, it’s a problem with both IE and youtube as far as blogger, so dunno, but use Firefox and you shouldn’t have the problem. :)

I’m actually having a pretty NORMAL day today, wow!!! Pretty crazy how it fluctuates so quickly. It’s almost like being in a normal state isn’t even “normal” for me anymore since it does not last long…it’s almost just like one of three states that are in constant flux. I went out walking, which I enjoy doing at night sometimes. I live in a small town so it’s no biggie. It was weird though because it was like a total ghost town when I went out tonight. It’s getting darker and colder and the sky was almost black. The streetlights kept the sidewalks somewhat lit but on the sideroads there was no light…it was total darkness except for flickering of the lights of the oil refinery in the distance. It was a little surreal…there was literally not a soul walking but me. Very rarely a car would go by. Most people’s lights were off in their houses. Kinda made me think about how really, I feel most comfortable when I’m alone. A little sad maybe, but true. And I’m ok with that.

Anyhoo, I had written down the other day a bunch of things I wanted to write in my journal, which I still need to…it’s kinda funny, here is what my list says: organizing, shells, IE, my own house, poems, scatterbrained, crushes. HAH! I have no idea why I wrote half that down or what I was even thinking about it!!! I guess I really was “scatterbrained”!!! Today, I’m quite clear headed. The perpetual voice inside is quiet. I have a little bit of peace…for now. :)

Let’s see what other random things…I’m pretty sure we live next door to swingers, which is hilarious. They are a married couple with two small kids close to my kids age. Well since I moved in with my dad (about 9 months ago) the guy is always looking over/through the fence at me and I’ve had several odd incidents with him (once I just turned to find him standing behind me in our backyard, totally just walked in uninvited and scared the crap out of me…a lot of times he’ll come over to talk to my dad when he knows I’m outside too…just weird.) Now his wife is starting to do the same stuff with Tim…haha…finding little excuses to talk to him, come over and give him this, ask for help with that…she never did that with my dad, now she is all over Tim. It is frickin’ hilarious. So we’ve come to the conclusion that they are swingers trying to get with us. Who knows, maybe it’s true!!! Either way, they are an odd couple. I’ll be glad when spring comes and we’re out of here into our own house.

Oh, I guess that’s the other thing. We went to the bank to do a mortgage application to look at houses a bit before snow falls. We planned on buying in the spring but wanted to get our feet wet now. So we did that and somewhat have a realtor now, it’s totally exciting, I’ve been fantzsizing about my own house since I was 18…only taken me 10 years! It’s slowly becoming a reality…

So that’s it I suppose for now…always something going on around here, whether it’s around me or in my brain…haha. Oh yes, I am still totally digging my whole new persona…when I went to the liquor store the other day the cashier looked at my license forever and then said “That’s not you!” it was so funny because I had literally said to Tim earlier in the day that if anyone saw my ID they probably wouldn’t think it was me, guess I’m right. Ha. Point being, I’m digging it all big time, I’m loving this phase…not sure how long it will last til I’m onto the next thing.

I have to post a pic of my new trend, I’m totally into falsies right now, there are so many sweet ones now that it’s Halloween almost. Here are my faves…silver…allllllrighhhhhht *Quagmire voice*

Strange thoughts and behavior...is bipolar real?

Blah, where do I begin this…hmmm…I’ve been contemplating a lot recently and so much is on my mind I feel like it is going to implode. This may be long cause I’m just going to start writing and see when it all stops coming out.

So we’ve already established that I don’t really talk to anyone about my personal thoughts or feelings. That’s changing a little more with my counselor and psychiatrist, and Tim a little bit also. Well all this talking has me so confused. On the one hand there are professionals telling you “This is a legitimate problem, medication can help you,” and on the other hand you have people you know tell you, or act toward you, that there is nothing wrong, that it’s no big deal and everyone feels that way sometimes. So I am so confused, well moreso than usual lately. I don’t know who to believe or what to think. Are the doctors exaggerating what is going on? Or are the people I know minimizing it? It’s torturing me trying to figure it all out, reconcile who to believe with all my convoluted feelings.

So that has me thinking all about my thoughts and feelings in general. Ha that sounded kinda funny. I’m thinking about bipolar…about my diagnosis…what it means to me. In the past before I was hospitalized, I managed, somewhat, to keep my thoughts and feelings under control. Every once in awhile I’d have thoughts like “What would dirt taste like?” or “What if I just walked all night and didn’t come home tonight?” They may have been there but just a fleeting what if? The gone again. I told Tim about this and he said “Everyone thinks that way,” so I thought hmmm ok, I guess it’s not that weird at all.

So then it got me to thinking, ok, if it’s not so weird, why shouldn’t I just do them? Then Tim says “Well, not everyone feels things to the point where they feel they have to act on them.” And that is how I feel a lot lately, especially the last year. They aren’t just thoughts…well, they are, but instead of just dispearring, they sort of sit there and marinate in my mind to the point of really wanting to do them. Still, I manage to hold back most of the time. But it can be very, very hard. Like, right now I want a cigarette so so badly. I’ve been fighting it extremely. If it wasn’t for the bet Tim and I have I already would have given in. In ways I know it’s wrong. It’s unhealthy…it’s a really bad example for my kids…it’s an addiction…but even those rationales don’t curb the thought from my mind or the craving for it. I’ve been thinking about drugs so much lately, wanting it so badly, again a craving that is hard to fight. Or sometimes I see people and I just to talk to them, I just want to touch them. I’m managing to hold back but again it ruminates in my mind. I have no idea if this stuff is related to bipolar or if I am just strange, “eccentric” if you will, that my thoughts or behaviors fall outside of the socially condoned set of norms and therefore they are classified as a “disorder.”

And then after talking to Tim I got to thinking, why do I do some things and not others? Why is it when it do the majority of things I’m alone, yet when I’m with other people for the most part, I don’t? It has me wondering, do I do things for attention? Is it because I want to be noticed? Is it because, being diagnosed with bipolar, it now gives me a “license” to do things, if you will? Then I think, well I did these things and thought these things before I had a diagnosis so maybe not. Then I also think, well if I wanted attention wouldn’t that mean I would do it around people and not when I’m alone? Does this mean that I’m just holding things at bay when I am around others, or at least, others I know, so I am not viewed as strange, odd, or different, or that I’m not treated in a negative way? I don’t know. I am confused as to my own thoughts and motives.

In a way I definitely feel that societal rules hold me back from doing a lot of things…I may WANT to go home with that stranger…I may want to eat things off the ground…I may want to disappear and not return again. And then there are the rational thoughts afterward such as “If I go home with that stranger, I could get raped,” “If I eat that food, I could get sick,” “if I disappear it would hurt people that are close to me.” So all of that is not strange. That is how a normal person thinks. They may have thoughts of doing things, but rules, or their conscience, hold them back. And that is the way it should be. 

But then it still doesn’t curb my desire to do them. They still sit there, ruminating in my head to the point where I honestly feel one day I am GOING to do them. Like even thoughts of my kids or danger won't stop me at all. Like the other night, I went walking and thought “What would happen if walked down the middle of the road?” afterward there was the thought, “Maybe the person would honk…maybe they would go around…maybe they would hit me and I’d go to the hospital.”  This normally would deter a person from doing it. Yet I did it anyways. I thought “Well, who really cares what happens?” Incidentally, the person went around me and that was that.

I’m not sure if this falls under the category of “impulsiveness” which is a big criteria of bipolar. I always think of impulsiveness as someone just wildly and crazily does stuff without thinking and later goes “Uh oh, what did I do?” In that sense, no I don’t just run off down the street. It’s somewhat deliberate yet on the other hand I just don’t care what happens. I have no idea what to describe that as. Maybe I am just weak and I need to try harder to keep myself at bay. Maybe I am using bipolar as an excuse to get away with things that are unacceptable to others. Who knows.

Then, of course, my moods are all over. As I’ve been writing lately. At first I thought the Lamictal was working…for the first two months things seemed fine. The doctors said “You stabilized pretty quickly after your hospital stay.” Yet, I wasn’t thinking but I was also on Risperdal at the time, so that may very well have been the reason I did well. since going off  it seems my moods are a lot more variable and much more on extreme ends of the spectrum. A couple months ago I had a few rough days and that just spurred me into a depression so bad that I could barely face getting out of bed…I was drinking in the middle of the day…I was sitting around crying and cutting up my clothes and thinking about death. Because of just a couple rough days!!!

Then it went from that into this irritable, grouchy, hating everyone and everything mood, which I wasn’t depressed but just ambivalent. The last few days I’ve been feeling “up” and manic. Talking to people, dressing extremely, seeking a lot of attention, being flirty with people, which Tim got angry at me about. He seemed like “why are you acting this way?” But I really couldn’t help it. I didn’t go anywhere near doing all the things I felt like. I was so happy and excited, just out of the blue. I was so distracted but my own thoughts that I backed our Jeep into a telephone pole and scraped up the side of it bad. We had an argument last night and I thought “God my life sucks.” Now I am just sort of “there” today. I have barely spoken at all. I went walking but didn’t want to interact with a soul. My mind is plaguing me with all these thoughts. I hate it. I wish it would go away. I wish other people understood more, I wish I myself understood more. It is tiring being in a constant state of flux and confusion.

Recollections, personalities & rapid cycling

I’m feeling pretty alert considering I didn’t go to bed until about 3:30. I didn’t mean to stay up that late but I had to write in my journal. I’ve really been slacking the last few years. I tend to just write about tangible stuff…what we’ve been doing, how the girls are, what so-and-so is up to. I haven’t written about my thoughts or feelings much in a long long time, which is mainly why I kept journaling all those years. So I need to start writing in it more regularly than every 2 or 3 weeks. It really helps me to purge things, much like I hope to do with this blog. It’s weird because I never really realized it until I started counseling that I really don’t talk to people about my feelings at all. I have a few close friends and of course my family and my husband. But I really don’t talk to any of them about those really crazy, deep things. I don’t really know why. In some ways it is easier to talk to strangers about it, because they don’t know me and a certain level of anonymity helps one be able to share. But talking to someone very close about it is extremely difficult. Partly because they don’t understand and partly because…I dunno…The only person I ever really did talk about those things with was my first boyfriend, a relationship that continued for 5 years and started when I was a teenager. It wasn’t just that he listened to things but he understood on some innate level how I felt and what I was going through, with everything. We were extremely close. Even when I’d say things like “I hate my life” or “I want to kill myself” he never judged me or made me feel like a weakling, or less of a person. He always had a way of making me feel loved and wanted and secure. In a way he has been the standard that I have held everything else up against, sort of trying to recreate that feeling with others. But I have learned every relationship, whether romantic, friendly, or family, is always different, the nuances and dynamics of it, and there will never be any two that are alike. So I’ve learned I need to appreciate people for who they are and accept their strengths and weaknesses, much as I want to be accepted with all my own flaws.

So anyway I dunno what is up with me today. I’ve been reading a little on other people’s blogs and it kinda makes me feel worse, because it seems so many people are doing so much better than I am. They’re writing about all this great stuff that’s happening and here I am, complaining and trying to figure out all my issues. I just really don’t know what the heck is going on with me from day to day. Although bipolar isn’t “multiple personalities”, in ways sometimes it does feel that way. There is the sexy me, the depressed me, the childish me, the preppy me. They all exist simultaneously in most people, and in my “normal” state I would say for the most part that’s true. But it’s also true that a lot of the time, one part of me comes to the forefront and overtakes everything else while the rest regresses. In many ways this makes me feel like I don’t know who I am, that there are all these distinct, individual parts of me that do not combine, they are contradictory and cannot make a harmonious whole.

I feel different from day to day and I’m not sure what the reason for that is. There are two possiblities, one is that I’m rapid cycling, or even ultradian cycling, which is a form of bipolar where a person’s mood fluctuates extremely within either weeks, days, or even within the same day. Another possibility is that it’s mood lability, which, for the most part just means extreme mood swings. It sounds like the same thing but from what I understand, professionals believe that rapid cycling is a definite part of bipolar disorder while mood lability can at times occur in anyone. I’m starting to think that I’m rapid cycling, because obviously I have bipolar so my extreme mood swings wouldn’t fall under the “regular” category. I need to talk to my counselor and psychiatrist about this. From what I understand, rapid cycling bipolar is a difficult form to treat and may be genetically different from “traditional” bipolar. Supposedly even bipolar I and bipolar II may not be caused by the same thing and therefore not treated the same (bipolar I is “classic” bipolar which includes full mania and psychosis, bipolar II includes only hypomanic episodes). There’s a lot of research being done about bipolar now and in ways it’s helpful but it also sometimes raises more questions than it answers.

So today I am just feeling, again, all over the place. I was in a very good mood this morning which just progressed from there, I was feeling hypomanic after that, running and dancing around with my kids, having random conversations with people in the store, in the park, even across a parking lot, being flirty, etc. I was really giddy and sort of talking to myself all loudly and happily. Then a few hours ago I just started feeling blah and sort of depressed. It was almost like instantaneous change. Now I just feel quiet, maybe even a little sad and sullen. I don’t feel like doing much of anything, just hiding out from everyone for the rest of the night.

I am so tired of all of this. This constant switch is wreaking havoc on my life. I want some sort of stability, I want to know that I have some sort of control over myself, which I don’t and I feel very angry and at the same time helpless. I really feel like I’m destined to just spiral down until eventually I am completely loony and locked in some asylum or I just wind up killing myself. I feel like I have no idea what’s happening or where I’m going or even who the fuck I am.

My current "Mixed state"

So I noticed every time I post in this blog it formats differently. I’m not sure why but it’s bugging me. Plus I really don’t want to put the effort into fixing it. Oh well, I’m sure the like, 2 or 3 people reading this blog can deal with it for now, LOL.

I’m still in my funk. When I went to see my counselor she could tell I was feeling weird because the way I looked and my demeanor was different than usual. We talked about a lot of stuff, and she said she thought maybe I was in a mixed state. I knew a little about mixed states but not that much. Basically a mixed state is a combination of mania and depression. Sounds like a contradiction I know, but after doing some research on it, it makes sense to me, and I think she is right. In fact looking at my past several years I think I’ve been in this state a lot without realizing it, maybe not to this degree but still.

It’s weird because when you’re depressed obviously you feel like crap. And when you’re manic you feel great. But in a mixed state you’re mood is basically irritable. My counselor said most people who experience a mixed state say there is nothing good about it and that it is the worst state to be in.

So here is what the book “Decoding Bipolar Bisorder” by Dr’s. Suppes, Manning and Keck says about mixed states. The symptoms include:

*Racing thoughts that often inhibit the initiation of sleep

*Noticeably increased activity usually present well into the early morning hours

*Dismally low spirits or an emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease while having a “short-fuse” temper

*Genuine expressions of suffering while maintaining a melodramic demeanor

*Grandiose mood, often manifested toward others in demanding tones with insistence that others serve the agenda of the patient

*Severe agitation

*Sexual excitement

*Suicidal thoughts

As you can see this is quite a mixed bag of symptoms, some seemingly contradictory but existing simultaneously. I’d say I’m experiencing the majority of that, I’m not suicidal though. So this is a really weird funk to be in.

Anyhow, even within all of this it kinda fluctuates from day to day. My counselor said a lot of people in mixed states say they feel depressed or anxious but at the same time have tons of energy to do things. I do kinda feel like I am bouncing all over that place or just want to do everything right now. It’s just like a nervous sort of energy, like when you absently tap your foot over and over and over.

Then, yesterday I had so many thoughts I literally wanted to shoot myself in the head to make it go away. It’s an icky feeling, and it became so bad it actually gave me a headache and made me sick to my stomach. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it is. I wanted a woodpecker to just peck a hole in the side of my skull and let all the pressure out. I felt like I was dying. Also I feel so anxious all the time, and agitated just like the description of mixed states. My heart is racing constantly and it’s like I’m gonna have a heart attack or something. I just want to pace around and move and do something to release this all. I kinda want a cigarette but I quit about a month ago. Tim and I have this bet going that if I can stay off them til the new year he is going to buy me a professional camera to start taking pics. Right now I just do it as a hobby with my crappy digital. But I’m always taking pics of stuff. Anyways I’m determined to win and not give in this time.

So yeah, that’s me right now, I dunno how long this will last. Today my husband walked by me and said “Scrub.” Haha. I don’t think he’s digging my current fashion statement. I know he was quasi-joking. Normally I’d get pissed about something like that but today it made me laugh.

We’ve been busy all morning which is good. I think I’d go crazy if I just had to sit around here all afternoon.

Awful & ugh

I’m feeling pretty sucky today. I woke up and it was cold and bleary so that started everything off badly. Add to that the fact that I didn’t go to sleep until past 4 am. It was awful. I actually got in bed around 2 but tossed and turned forever. Now today I am feeling super grouchy, I’ve been taking it out on my kids and I feel like shit, just in general but also for being a bitch to them. I was actually crying earlier because when I put my daughter in time out I accidentally hurt her and I would never ever purposely hurt my child. I wanted to just shoot myself right then.

I have so much I need to be doing right now, I only have a short hour while they are napping but I guess I just need to purge this to feel a little better, maybe. I’ve kinda been in a weird funk lately. I guess longer than I realized because today I was thinking that the last time I saw Kristen I told her I was feeling down and that was a month ago. I don’t know if I’ve been “depressed” but I don’t really feel happy a lot lately. I told Kristen that I was just sort of “there”. I think part of it may be the meds I’m on. I’m taking Lamictal which I’ve tolerated well thus far. But when I told my counselor about it, she suggested I talk to my psychiatrist. She wanted to try upping my dosage to see if that helped by down mood. I don’t really know if it is though.

In fact I sort of feel all over the place at the moment. Yesterday I was great…I had an awesome day with the girls, was really happy and today I’m in the crapper. I’m sure some of it is personal stuff going on in my life right now but I don’t really know how much to attribute to that. I hate it when this crap comes on out of the blue and most of the time, that’s how it goes.

I’m a little overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to get done on a regular basis and today I’m really feeling the stress for some reason. It’s all these stupid tiny things piling up and I literally have like two hours of each day to accomplish things which  of course is not much. Just writing this blog is going to take up like 15 minutes of my precious time. I need to email my sister-in-law back and thank her for the gifts she sent my girls…I need to write in my journal which I’ve been putting off. I need to shop for a cord for my camera that was lost somehow and seat covers for my car. I need to get the chip in the windshield fixed and get an autostart put in before the snow falls. I need to do some research for my class, which is on drugs and dependence. It’s interesting but time consuming. I have like two lessons until I’m done, thankfully. Then I have one class left until I have my associates degree. Thank God. I’ve been in school for nearly 4 years and it has taken me this long because I have had so much crap happen along the way and all these obstacles and detours. After this is done I am taking a break from school for awhile. Oh yeah, I also need to go shopping for a bunch of little miscellaneous junk (not usually an easy task when you are toting 2 year twins around who run wild in the store) and I need to finish this scrapbook for my daughter and get started on the one for my other daughter. I’m really into scrapbooks and photo albums because it’s so easy to forget things, putting all the pics and stories together helps remind me. I do a scrapbook for everything important, like each time the girls turn one year older, and all the trips and vacations I take and stuff like that. I’m way behind and the events keep piling up faster than I can do them. It’s a fun hobby but again, time consuming.

On top of it all I’m sorta going through a weird phase right now. I guess you could call it cliché pseudo punk/thrift store trash. I’m into the ugliest most disgusting clothes I can find, anything holey or stained, fishnet stockings, combat boots, ratty beanies and hoodies black fingernails and eyeliner, disheveled hair etc. I get into these stages once in awhile. I like to change my appearance quite often, especially my hair. It all sort of reflects my mood I suppose. In fact I’m cutting my hair next week. I’ve been dying it darker and darker the last year. I’m thinking of going black this time – I look good with dark hair (naturally, my hair is dark blonde). I don’t know how I want it cut yet…probably short, and shaggy.

Ok so I’m done ranting now. My phone keeps beeping, I need to check it and get busy on my school work. I have about 45 minutes until I have to get the girls up and go shopping. At least the sun is starting to come out a little bit. That’s always a good thing.