Another long day, but today, it was a good one. We are
finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine now that little guy is 2
months old. He generally goes to bed for the night around 8-10 PM and will
sleep for a stretch of about 6 hours. A few times he has slept 7 hours.
Unfortunately that doesn’t necessarily mean more sleep for me because I still
have to either nurse him or pump the milk at some point. But, having him be
more predictable is helping a lot. I know that by 10 PM, all 3 kids will be in
bed and I at least will have a little bit of time to myself. Sometimes just to
clean up, but still, it’s time to have quiet and recharge :)
Having more of a schedule and knowing what to expect is
allowing me to start feeling better. It felt like pure chaos up to this point
and now things are settling down and I do have some enjoyable days in there
instead of feeling like I can’t face anything! I’ve also decided I need to let
go of certain ideas. My house is not always going to be clean. My kids aren’t
always going to get lunch at 12 noon on the dot. I’m not always going to be
able to play when they ask and I’m not always going to have time to look done
up and “pretty”. But you know, that’s OK. This is all a stage of life and like
any stage in life, especially when it comes to kids, it only lasts a short time
and then it is onto something else. Instead of spending my precious moments
worrying about toothpaste on the mirror or the stove top being wiped down, I’m
going to do what I can with my kids, because that is what truly matters. Are
they going to remember that the laundry was washed and folded every single day
or not? No. Are they going to remember if I made the time for them, and if they
felt important and loved? Yes.
So now, every morning when I wake up, I have already have a
mindset of what is going to happen. Before noon is kid time. I spend it nursing
my son, playing with him and helping his little brain to grow. I talk with my
girls at breakfast and play with them. After lunch, I can start doing more
things that I “need” to do but up to that point, I’m not worrying about
anything. Whatever happens happens and I’m letting it all go. It’s good for
everyone and it’s nice to wake up to kids who are excited to see me instead of
their replacements who are whiny and sassy because they aren’t getting any
attention or mommy time.
So, today was a good day. Got up and playing with little guy while his sisters were at grandpa's. His smile is the most beautiful thing in the world, hearing him giggle and coo and reach for me. Sorted through some photos to work on some scrapbooks (when I get the time). Reminisced about the last year. My girls came home from spending
the night at their grandpa’s after lunch. We all went to town and bought some
paint and a storm door to brighten up the front of our house. Baby napped while
we shopped, kids ran around like crazy. But it was still a nice time. I didn’t
get upset, and I didn’t lose my patience. I just went with it, and we smiled
and laughed and examined all the neat things that kids find in the home improvement
store that look so big when you’re so little :) Came home, my husband made
dinner while I nursed my babe and then the rest of us ate. No tantrums like
usual, no “ordering” them to eat. They chowed down until their little bellies
were full and I couldn’t have been happier. More talking and laughing and
having a generally good time. My girls wanted me to go into our basement and
look through some things but I had to clean up dinner first. My daughter, of
her own free will, volunteered to help me so that I would have the time to come
with her. Only 5, and already a tender hearted one, who loves her mama and
wants to help. I melted.
We went downstairs while hubby held the baby, and I
didn’t need to do much. Just watch and giggle and they were satisfied. Seeing
them play with all their baby toys brought back so many memories…nearly every
one of those toys has a picture to go along with it, or a specific memory from
way back then. I started to tear up and felt…well, too much for words. We came
up and they had dessert while I took my baby and went to nurse him and put him
to bed. Holding him there in the darkened bedroom, I reflected on the events of
the day and smiled. It was a good day. It doesn’t get much better than this. A
thousand things went through my mind as I sat there, holding my precious little
one against me so close, listening to him breathe and stroking his warm skin,
soft hair. The love I felt was beyond compare. Again, I teared up. I wished I
could tell him how much it all meant to me but of course a 2 month old wouldn’t
understand. I laid him down but after a few minutes, he fussed. I went back,
took him into my bed and nursed him some more. He clung to me as we laid side
by side, his blue eyes staring up at mine, his little hand wrapped around my
finger, and without words I knew he was saying he loved me, and he needed me
and wanted nothing more than to feel that comfort in return. I thought my heart
would explode.
