Ugh. Where do I begin. I am feeling crappy as hell today. I am really feeling irritable and depressed. I quit smoking 6 days ago and it has been rough. The first day I was a total grouch. I've been doing better since but today I just feel like total shit. EVERYTHING is annoying me and making me mad. I just want my kids to play by themselves and leave me alone because I am so crabby. My dog is driving me up the wall. I dunno if it is a matter of I am in such a bad mood so everything is bothering me? That seems likely. I just want to go outside and literally scream for 5 minutes.
I am trying so hard not to smoke. And it is even harder because I really didn't want to quit. I admit it...I enjoy smoking. I don't care if it is bad for me. The only reason I quit is because I didn't want my kids seeing that, growing up and thinking smoking was OK and then becoming smokers themselves. So I wanted to do the responsible thing. But it really sucks. I used to go out every hour and smoke. That amounts to over 2 hours a day spent smoking. Now it is gone. I catch myself all the time preparing myself to go outside to smoke, then I have to consciously remind myself, "No, you quit smoking, you have to find something else to do." And it is tough. :(
So I guess that is mostly it, just venting. I don't have the desire or motivation to do anything I just want to sit and wallow and be grouchy by myself.
In other news, last night I applied for a part-time job. I haven't worked in about 5 years, so this is a big deal for me. We will see if I get a call, and what happens.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Back on Zyprexa for my kids, my family and myself
It's been about a month since I've posted anything bipolar related. I should have posted awhile ago but I've been busy with summer projects and what not, and truthfully haven't given much thought to blogging/vlogging.
Anyways I thought I would update this to let you all know I am back on medication again. I've gone back to Zyprexa, I'm currently on 2.5 mg. I think it's been maybe a month? I forget exactly, but something like that. My anxiety and mental turmoil was just consuming me and in the last month or so I've seen both my counselor and psychiatrist 3 times each (MUCH more than my normal once a month or once every 2 months). I was just having such a hard time coping and so ultimately I decided to go back on medication because I know it did help me before and thought it would this time as well.
I'm feeling a lot better. In my experience, anti-psychotic meds work very quickly to alleviate symptoms. I'd say within a week of starting back on it I was feeling more in control of things, the anxiety has nearly disappeared (well, I still have SOME anxiety, but more what I would consider normal anxiety, not the kind that plagues me 24/7 and makes me physically ill). So I know it was the right choice.
Ultimately, my choice to go back on medication was something I thought a lot about. And one of the biggest factors was thinking about my children. When they were small, they didn't notice things. Now they are 4 years old, and they do notice things. If I am crazy and bouncing off the walls, if I am depressed and withdrawn or angry and irritable, they pick those things up right away. I didn't want to be that unstable mother...I didn't want to negatively impact their lives. I didn't want to be the mother whose children have to take care of her, sleeping late, crying, wishing I was dead. I don't want them to see those things and be scarred by them. I owe them more than that. I owe them the best I can give them, and in order to be a stable person, and be the best mother I can be, I need to be on medication. It's as simple as that. Granted, I will always have bipolar, but with meds, I can help regulate the imbalance rather than just letting myself go up and down constantly and not do anything about it. I don't want my kids to grow up and look back and think "My mom had this illness, and she did nothing about it." No. I do not want that for my kids. So I'm doing what I can. I know it isn't just about me...the way I behave when I am manic or depressed affects other people around me, people I care about. Is it really fair to expect everyone to deal with my craziness? Yes, it is great to have support, and everyone needs it. But I can't just give myself over to this illness, this curse. I have to be proactive. So that is what I am doing.
It's going to be a busy summer...lots of house projects underway...several fences, a deck, some landscaping...it's going to be hard work but it always feels so good to have accomplished something.
Anyways I thought I would update this to let you all know I am back on medication again. I've gone back to Zyprexa, I'm currently on 2.5 mg. I think it's been maybe a month? I forget exactly, but something like that. My anxiety and mental turmoil was just consuming me and in the last month or so I've seen both my counselor and psychiatrist 3 times each (MUCH more than my normal once a month or once every 2 months). I was just having such a hard time coping and so ultimately I decided to go back on medication because I know it did help me before and thought it would this time as well.
I'm feeling a lot better. In my experience, anti-psychotic meds work very quickly to alleviate symptoms. I'd say within a week of starting back on it I was feeling more in control of things, the anxiety has nearly disappeared (well, I still have SOME anxiety, but more what I would consider normal anxiety, not the kind that plagues me 24/7 and makes me physically ill). So I know it was the right choice.
Ultimately, my choice to go back on medication was something I thought a lot about. And one of the biggest factors was thinking about my children. When they were small, they didn't notice things. Now they are 4 years old, and they do notice things. If I am crazy and bouncing off the walls, if I am depressed and withdrawn or angry and irritable, they pick those things up right away. I didn't want to be that unstable mother...I didn't want to negatively impact their lives. I didn't want to be the mother whose children have to take care of her, sleeping late, crying, wishing I was dead. I don't want them to see those things and be scarred by them. I owe them more than that. I owe them the best I can give them, and in order to be a stable person, and be the best mother I can be, I need to be on medication. It's as simple as that. Granted, I will always have bipolar, but with meds, I can help regulate the imbalance rather than just letting myself go up and down constantly and not do anything about it. I don't want my kids to grow up and look back and think "My mom had this illness, and she did nothing about it." No. I do not want that for my kids. So I'm doing what I can. I know it isn't just about me...the way I behave when I am manic or depressed affects other people around me, people I care about. Is it really fair to expect everyone to deal with my craziness? Yes, it is great to have support, and everyone needs it. But I can't just give myself over to this illness, this curse. I have to be proactive. So that is what I am doing.
It's going to be a busy summer...lots of house projects underway...several fences, a deck, some landscaping...it's going to be hard work but it always feels so good to have accomplished something.
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