Gone off my meds

So here is the latest news - I have gone off of medication. After I started going high I did not want to come back down. So, I stopped taking my Zyprexa. Granted, I have been on a small dose for months, only 2.5 mg so it wasn't technically like going from a high dose to nothing. It's been about a week and a half or so since I've gone off and it's been a little crazy. I went from being UP to being in a complete daze, to being sooo angry to having delusions about aliens mind controlling me with medication. I haven't been sleeping well at all, I'd been falling asleep around 4 am and getting up around 8. Then I went 2 full days without any sleep simply because I couldn't. That was rough. It all passed though.

I do think I am going through medication withdrawals however. I've researched it a bit and found many other people who have gone off Zyprexa have experienced the same things. The biggest one is nausea...I feel queasy pretty much all the time and was actually vomiting this morning. Also my anxiety levels are sky high and my heart is just racing half the time for no apparent reason. The insomnia is still there, and I feel this strange sort of confusion in my brain that I don't know what to attribute to.

My psychiatrist does not yet know I have gone off my meds...I don't see her until April 10. I know she will likely be upset with me, she does not agree with me wanting to go med free. But ultimately, it is my life and I have to do what I feel is best for me at the time. I have been thinking about medication a lot, and realized that in a way, I feel that medication has stolen a part of my personality away. I've always been a super emotional person...very sensitive to things around me. I always felt things so intensely, good, bad or otherwise. Since being medicated, I really haven't felt that. Every day was the same...no real ups no real downs, just plugging along in the middle. I really feel that a miss that part of me. Additionally, since being on medication I have noticed my motivation is extremely low. I pretty much stopped doing any sort of hobbies...I stopped talking to a lot of people...I just had no will to do it. So I'd sit around day after day, in this mediocre state. I want to feel that desire to do things again...I want to live again. I think going off medication will help in that regard. In fact, I haven't written anything in nearly a year and just this last week, I started writing again. It's nice.

So I'm not advocating this route for everyone...certainly, some people need to be on medication all the time and I myself admit that at times I have needed it. But as a human being with free will I have to make up my own mind about it, just as everyone else does. Taking meds or not taking meds is a personal choice. There are some people that can function without it...there are some that can't. If the day comes when I feel things have gotten out of control, I know they are there for me, and that is comforting. But for the time being, I have to give this a shot. I need to try to find my happiness again.

In an unrelated note, it has been brought to my attention that there is a problem with the comments on my blog. Some people cannot post them and I cannot respond to comments either. I don't know what the glitch  is, but if you feel the desire to contact me, you can do so through my youtube channel. Find me under BipolarStateofBeing.

Feeling a little CrAzY!!!

Ok, so I have been fluctuating a bit lately. I had about a week or 2 of mild depression. Not super bad just a feeling of blahhhhhh. Then today I woke up feeling INSANELY energetic, just totally wound up! My husband could tell in my emails to him that I was feeling a little loopy. Haha. So I spent the better part of the morning dancing around my house like MaD, and cleaning non-stop. I wanted so badly to get out and go somewhere but the weather has been so crappy the past few days I didn't. SOOOOO I was stuck here at home going CRAZY!!! The energy was just non-stop, my brain felt like it was going a million different directions and I could barely even focus on anything.

In a (possibly?) related topic, I haven't been doing so great with my meds. I take them at night and lately I have been forgetting now and then. Plus half the time I can't remember if I have taken them or not, so instead of double dosing myself, if I can't remember I don't take them. I dunno if this is having any effect on my moods.

As I write it is taking me FOREVER because I am typing too fast and making a ton of typos and have to keep fixing them. ARGGGHHHHHH!!! *pulling hair* AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!