So today I saw my counselor, and she thinks I'm having a mixed episode right now. It's strange how sometimes we can be doing things but not even completely realize it until someone else points it out. I have known for awhile that I have been feeling depressed off and on. And by off and on I mean I'll be down for a day or two, then it passes. Some of it is situational depression, maybe most of it. But regardless the depression is there. She asked if I had been having suicidal thoughts...I said yes. In the past it used to take quite a bit for me to become suicidal, usually a LONG depression that I just couldn't see any way out of. Now, since my first full blown manic episode 2 years ago, it seems that the way my illness manifests itself has changed. I can be depressed for as little as a day and yet become extremely suicidal. That's how I've been the past month. I'll have a couple days where I feel fine and the next day, BAM...I'm ruminating on ways to do myself in, telling myself my family would be better off without me and that the only escape from my situation is to die. I'm not at the point of actually trying to follow through on these thoughts though, so that is good.
So then we got to talking about other stuff that has been going on and I realized that I have been having manic symptoms as well. I guess I didn't recognize what's been happening because generally, my hypomania/mania starts off as being happy/hyper and having racing thoughts. I haven't really felt that way, but I do have a bunch of the other manic symptoms: lack of sleep, excessive energy, impulsiveness, distractability.Add to that that I have been drinking nearly every night (mainly due to stress and the need to relax and forget about my problems.) But I'm sure it's not helping the situation.
So let me just describe what exactly has been happening, symptom-wise:
*Depression/suicidal thoughts (already talked about that one)
*Lack of sleep: I have been staying up til the wee hours, usually at least 3 am or later, and getting up in the mornings at 8 or 9 with my kids. I need about 10 hours of sleep usually so getting 5 hours of sleep or less is not good for me, personally. One night last week I did not go to sleep at all. I stayed up working on stuff. I felt a little tired the next morning but it passed. Then that afternoon/evening I felt fine, like I could go a whole night again without sleep. But I didn't. I made myself go to bed that night.
*Excessive energy: This time, this energy has come in the form of working on projects. I simply feel that I MUST be working on something. It does not matter what it is. The night I didn't sleep I was working on several big projects...finishing a scrapbook for my kids, sorting our photos in chronological order to make photo albums, sorting files on the computer. I have been obsessed with organizing. I made my husband help me clean the house all day last Monday. Besides what I just mentioned I've been working on outdoor projects for the house, doing a bunch more cooking and cleaning than usual (I admit I don't do either regularly in my normal state), planning outings (we went camping last weekend and before that we did a scavenger hunt for our kids), and shopping. Which leads me to my next item.
*Impulsiveness: Let me tell you, I have been spending money like crazy. All of this has been going on at least 3 weeks or a month now and I didn't even really see how crazy my spending has been until today. Basically every time I have gone into a store (which has been a lot this past month) I have bought stuff. Generally I am very good about spending because I budget our money and pay the bills so I know how much I can spend and on what. It's like all that went out the window. I'd buy stuff that we needed (but were limiting, since we couldn't afford it all at once), stuff that we wanted but were "luxury" items (like an outdoor fountain for $119) or sometimes just random things!!! I kept telling my husband, "I spent a lot of money today, I'd better stop" but the next time would roll around and it went out the window and I'd find something else I had to have. It all culminated last night when I spent almost $400 on clothes and shoes at 3 stores online. YIKES. I woke up this morning saying WTF did I do? So just now I totaled up how much I've spent in the past 3 weeks. On stuff for the house (flowers, pots, soil, a bench, a fountain, brick pavers for a garden pathway) $883. On miscellaneous items for myself/my kids (clothes, craft items, other stuff) $862. Granted, some of that stuff we needed, but did we need it all RIGHT THIS MINUTE? Probably not. Oh yeah and I bought a new computer. $464 there!
*Distractability:Mainly when dealing with other people. I at times find it extremely hard to listen to people, because I just can't concentrate on what they are saying. I find my brain going off on a million other paths and trying to focus on just one thing can be hard. Even now I am finding it difficult to write this and follow a coherent train of thought. It's like I have the energy to get things done but right now, I can't focus on anything long enough to do it!
*Appearance: Almost forgot to mention this. Both my counselor and my psychiatrist have told me in the past that they can tell when I am becoming manic because my appearance changes. I go from my regular casual wear with no makeup and glasses (why get done up to go to the doctor?) to wearing lots of makeup and dressier clothes. That's how I was dressed today, and I thought back and realized I have been dressing up quite a bit the last few weeks...putting a lot more effort into my looks than usual.
So anyways that is what is up. Now that I am aware of this I am going to have to keep an eye on it til my psychiatrist visit in a week or two. My counselor is a bit worried because she says being in a mixed state puts you at high risk, because you have suicidal thoughts and the will and energy to actually carry them out, which is dangerous. So she is going to check on me after the weekend and make sure things are going alright for now. I know that I can always call someone for help though, there are plenty of resources available to me. Anyways I am rambling. And it is 3 am. I better hit the sack for tonight.
*NOTE: It's been 2 years since I posted this, and I had to come back and re-read it in light of my current knowledge, knowing that people still read these older posts. I now looking back can see a lot of borderline related aspects happening during this episode. I think I was indeed manic but that it had BPD depressive symptoms mixed in. My manic symptoms many times seem to come on spontaneously, as in, I will simply wake up that way one day, whereas BPD symptoms are directly related to triggers or outside sources (disagreements, high stress level that day, etc.) Totally explains the random suicidal ideation in the midst of the mania. I'm glad I figured out more fully what was going on with me! Makes a lot more sense in retrospect.
