My eyes are completely burning. I realized I haven’t posted
much other than poetry for awhile now so here I am. I have a headache. It’s
been a really long day. This may be partially incoherent. I’ve been prefacing a
lot of my interactions with people that way lately. Oh well.
So I think it’s safe to say that I have been up for a large
portion of the last 6 months. Which is all well and good with me, and in ways
is enjoyable. But now, it’s starting to go into this rapid cycling/mixed type
stuff, which is not so enjoyable. However, it is reality, so I figured I should
document it.
A few months ago my husband and I separated again. Then in
January, I started school again. So, there has been a lot of stress and just a
lot of demands on me physically and mentally. So that’s just a quick background
leading to today.
Stuff is sort of a big jumbled ball right now. One minute I’m
bouncing around with the energy of 10 men (ok, women) and the next I’m tired
and dazed. For a few days I’ll get very little sleep and be just fine and
dandy, and then it switches and I will barely have the energy to get through
the day without falling asleep, and on top of that, when I do sleep, it will
feel like I could KEEP sleeping for a whole week or more. The constant energy
fluctuations are hell on me.
One day I’ll be talking to everyone who crosses my path and
listening to everyone’s stories and the next day (literally, the next day) I’ll
be sullen and walk into class and not say one word to a soul. I’ll just want to
sit and wallow and ruminate. But then hours later, or the next day, I pop up
again, and will be laughing and jumping and all of that crazy stuff.
I go from being able to concentrate well in class and “get”
the material to being completely distracted, unable to concentrate at all,
finding the material confusing and getting bogged down by it, and then stuff
just falls through the cracks.
Now the ups I certainly like. But I DON’T like the downs
mixed in there. In fact, the fact they are even there at all is kind of
starting to make me a bit angry. Also the constant flip/flip/flip like a
metronome is starting to wear on me. On top of it, I think I’m starting to
notice a few psychotic type things happening and so that is raising a red flag
to me. In the past, when I have had longer periods of mania that have psychotic
elements, it kind of has the same pattern. Things begin to rise and then I just
become more erratic to the point where everything gets confused and meshed
together and it becomes hard to distinguish. I visualize it as a ladder, and
each day I go up and down the steps and can be at any height at any time not
only day to day, but throughout the day as well.
So, lately, I have had the idea of meds on the brain off and
on. I really really do not want to take them. So I’m holding out to see if I
can manage another couple of months. Once May hits my stress load will lower
dramatically because I will be out of school for the summer and I’m sure that
will help some.
This wasn’t super detailed because I really just am too
tired and headachy to think much. But, wanted to explain a bit of what’s been
going on recently. I know my videos have been fluctuating between depressed/rambling/dejected
and overly happy/hyper so this was just my quick explanation of recent events.
