Motivations and Needs - Are all people just selfish?

So today I want to write about this idea of motivation. Not really People Who Are Motivated To Do Stuff (e.g. ambitious, driven) vs. People Who Are Unmotivated To Do Stuff (e.g. lazy, procrastinating), but more of internal motivations for what we do as human beings. I’m always digging down, down, down, to the root of things and believe that everything starts somewhere. And where do our motivations for doing (or not doing) anything stem from? Well, ourselves of course.

Now, it might be said that I am at times cynical. However, I like to think of myself as a realist. I think of being cynical as more hard and skeptical of everything, whereas being a realist means you see it as it is and accept that THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS.

As a realist, I try not to get my hopes up about things that involve others because ultimately I do understand human nature and that innately, people are generally selfish. Whenever I mention this, inevitably someone will say to me “Not everyone is like that!” Or something to that effect. But really, it’s true!!! It’s not cynicism, it’s realism. And I’m going to tell you why.

If we really examine the motivations that other people have to do things, it typically comes down to one thing: themselves. Now, I guess I can’t really criticize because I am a human and so whatever I apply to other people I have to, by default, apply to myself. If all humans are by nature selfish, that means my own motivations are also selfish. Kind of an unsavory thought, but I can’t make an exception for myself just because I’M ME! Right? (Although, that is what everyone does!) I like to believe I think a little different than the average person in that I’m 1) self-aware enough to realize these things and 2) I admit them. People really never want to admit to anything negative about themselves because ultimately it will skew their entire self-concept. So they apply it outwardly and not inwardly. But, I’m doing it both ways in making a generalization about humans.

Now, this question of selfishness and motivation especially applies in intimate relationships (and I don’t mean intimate as in just lovers, but friends and family members too.) Essentially, I have come to see that people are motivated by what they get from someone else, not by what they give to someone else. In essence, most relationships are futile and worthless if you really get down to the bottom of it. They fill a need that someone has and beyond that, I can’t really say much else. People are only as interested in you as you are in them. Maybe that’s why some intimate relationships work well, because there is a reciprocal need that keeps being fed by the other and it becomes a back and forth cycle. People tend to think of this as “give and take” but realistically, it’s more about filling our own needs than theirs. We give hoping we will get in return. And if we don’t, we becomes angry, resentful and may leave the relationship entirely.

So anyway, let’s throw a few examples out there about how all motivations come down to selfishness.

SITUATION #1: You’re at the park and you exchange numbers with a person you had an interesting conversation with. They call you and invite you to go do something, and you agree. You go and have a good time and enjoy each others company. Sounds good right? Yes? Not really. How come? Look at the motivation. What is the underlying motivation? Are you REALLY thinking about them? Are they REALLY thinking about you? No. You each want to be around the other because of the way they make you feel ABOUT YOURSELF. Maybe they make you feel smart because you’re able to talk about really complex topics. Maybe you make them feel witty because you laugh at their jokes. They like that feeling. You like that feeling. So you continue to see them. They continue to hang out with you because of the way you make them feel ABOUT THEMSELVES. It’s reciprocal, but only as long as you each fulfill that need in the other person. When that stops, the relationship tends to end.

SITUATION #2: You have a friend that you have known for ten years. Obviously, you know a lot about each other because of the amount of time you spent together. Your friend moves away and begins living a new life. You’re still in the same place, living your life. You’re so consumed with your own lives that your contact becomes more and more sporadic. First it’s a week, then two weeks, then a month between contacts. You rarely hear from them, so you don’t bother contacting them either. Eventually, you realize you haven’t talked to them in a year. Your friendship falls by the wayside. Why? You NEED them to listen to you. It really has nothing to do with them. And they NEED you to be there for them, and it isn’t much about you. Do they really care that your dog died? Probably not (well, maybe on a surface level but it really doesn’t affect them at all). They’re too busy worrying about how they’re going to manage their first summer with kids after their divorce and they NEED YOU to listen. Do you really care about how their work is going? Not really, you’re too busy concentrating on your GRE’s and you NEED THEM to listen. So is the friendship selflessly motivated? Not really. It all boils down to our own needs. Our friend stopped listening to us and we stopped listening to them and therefore, we are no longer friends.

SITUATION #3, Part 1: Let’s make this a non-relationship related one. Let’s say that you just want to do a good deed for someone. You know the local homeless shelter needs donations of blankets. You decide to hand make one just so that someone will have something soft, cozy and comforting. You drop it off and the person who takes it smiles and thanks you and can see how you genuinely affected their day in a positive way. You walk away feeling good inside, and you decide to make some more blankets in the future to give away. Why do you keep doing it? Because YOU got a good feeling from it.

Part 2:             Let’s take that situation and give it a different spin. You make your blanket and when you give it to the person, they glance at it disdainfully, spit tobacco juice on it and say “I wouldn’t give that to a dog!” You walk away feeling crummy and wishing you had never done anything. Are you likely to make more blankets and drop them off? No. Why not? Because YOU DIDN’T feel good about it.

So you see, people do things for themselves first and foremost. The idea of altruism is something I would like to believe in, but ultimately, all I really see is selfish motivations behind anything that anyone does, whether it has a good outcome or not. Because after all, I’m not talking about outcomes here. I’m talking about what motivates people to have relationships, or what motivates them to do ANYTHING.And that is: what they get out of it.

Now that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy people’s company, that you can’t have relationships, that you can’t ever try to do something nice for a stranger or let them do something nice for you. What it does mean is that you can’t expect people to A) always be appreciative and B) always be there for you when YOU need them.

In the end, all we really have is ourselves (and isn’t that all we really care about deep down?) Once we stop filling the needs of others (whatever they may be) we get replaced by the next person that will. And we do the same back. It happens to everyone, all the time. No one is perfect, infallible or beyond it. It is just a fact of life. Cynical? More like realistic.