Gosh, where do I even begin? To say I’m having a rough time
would be an understatement! It’s now 11:47 PM as I type this. I’m waiting until
about midnight to give my baby a feeding, then I’m off to bed, so I figured I
would type this up and get it out, maybe I will feel better. Then again maybe
not.
I’m feeling incredibly depressed right now, and it’s been
coming and going for awhile. I don’t think I’m “suffering” from depression, if
that makes sense. I don’t think I’m having an episode, or that it’s post partum
depression or anything like that. There are days when I’m so happy and things seem
great and days like today when they don’t. A lot of it has to do with whether
or not I’m in physical pain and whether or not things around me become more
than I can handle. It never seems to be just one thing coming down on you, it’s
a million at once. When it rains, it pours.
Unfortunately a lot of my feelings are stemming from my
choice to breastfeed, or consequences of that choice. Not that I dislike
breastfeeding – I don’t. In fact I love it, despite the fact that I have had
nothing but problems since the beginning. For one I get virtually no sleep…I’m
getting up at all hours of the night to nurse baby. Now it wouldn’t be as bad
if my husband could help me, but for the most part, he can’t. Why? Because he
isn’t here during the week. Yes, I am alone here with the 3 kids and all the
responsibility falls on me. I’m not mad at him about it – it’s a choice we made
to live here and for him to take this job. It’s been 3 years and you’d think I
would be used to it…but with a new baby, everything has turned upside down and
the burden of doing it on my own is a lot.
So back to the breastfeeding…I’ve been having massive pain
since I started and figured it was just me adjusting to it, and that it would
pass. But GOD did it hurt. Like razor blades slicing through my flesh every
time he ate kind of pain. I got my first blocked milk duct about a week in (and
I know them all too well from when I had my twins) and it was horribly painful
as well. I wanted to give up right then but had to resolve the plug first. By
then I decided to keep nursing. Then it came back again. And again. And again.
Right now my baby is about 6 weeks old and I am currently battling my FIFTH occurance
of plugged milk ducts. Its awful, and it’s depressing me more than anyone could
really know.
I finally saw 2 lactation consultants, knowing if I did not
seek help that inevitably I would give up breastfeeding, which I really don’t
want to have to do. I wondered if maybe my son had a tongue tie (restricted
movement of the tongue due to the membrane underneath being too tight) because
he never seemed to stick out his tongue when his mouth was open. They both
thought this was the case, and now I have an appointment to have the tie “released”
or in layman’s terms, cut, to improve his ability to feed. Having a tongue tie
sounds so insignificant but it has had/is having a huge impact on not only my
breastfeeding relationship with my baby but my life in general. Because of his
inability to latch correctly, we’re dealing with a slew of consequences – my constant
breast and nipple pain, the recurrent bouts of blocked milk ducts, excessive
feeding time (at least 45 minutes nursing every time), fussiness (probably due
to him getting an inadequate amount of milk to soothe his hunger), anxiety on
my part (is he getting enough milk? Did I sleep too long without pumping? Am I
going to get to sleep ENOUGH? Is my milk drying up? If I do this/that will it
make my pain better/worse? Etc. etc. etc.) It’s just so overwhelming, and that’s
a shame because it shouldn’t be. And all of these things that are happening
just seem to affect something else, it’s like the domino affect…because I’m
breastfeeding, no one can really help with the feeds…because no one can help
with the feeds I get little sleep…because I get little sleep, I’m exhausted
constantly…because I’m exhausted, I can’t do the things I need to do…because I
can’t do those things, like playing with my twins, they act up…because they act
up, my depression increases…you see where I’m going with this.
So that in itself is enough to make a person depressed. Add
to that all the other crap going down you can see my stress level is sky high.
And of course, when you’re down, the crap just seems to keep piling up on your
plate. My girls are now sick with pinkeye, nasty pussing ooze coming out of
their eyes that we have to rub medication in every 4 hours. I am so paranoid
that us and the baby will get it too, and there isn’t enough medicine to treat
us all, and that would mean ANOTHER doctor appointment and more stress.
Oh yes, there’s more to add to the pile of
when-it-rains-it-pours. Initially I lost most of the baby weight but in the
past couple weeks, apparently I have gained some back!!! I don’t know how considering
I barely eat (not purposely, I just don’t have a lot of time). It makes no
sense and makes me so angry. I saw some photos of myself my daughter took and
was so upset. I looked fat, old and just plain haggard. It isn’t the person I
know myself to be, the person in my mind. I feel so ugly, and that isn’t
helping anything.
I wish I had time to be super mom, super woman and do it all
but I just can’t. I feel guilty and like a failure as a parent. There is so
much pressure on us today to be perfect and do it all and look great and smile
through it all but what if we can’t??? What do you do when things are just TOO
HARD???
I’m hanging in there, somehow. Making it through day by day.
I know one day things will improve and this will be a distant memory. But when
in the thick of it, it can be really hard to remember that and keep going.
