I’m having a really shitty day so I figured I’d write something. I think it’s been awhile since I actually wrote.
The Risperdal has seemed to help me although I’m on a small dose. I have noticed, in general, that I tend to be very sensitive to medication (all meds, not just psychoactive meds). I tend to get all the weird or “rare” side effects too. Anyway I felt fine, I actually felt that in the last week or so that it has evened me out somewhat, at least moreso than before.
However today I just woke up feeling blah and shitty and depressed. It was one of those instances where you start off blah, then a bunch of stuff just happens and it becomes like the snowball effect. I wound up sitting around for awhile, being sad and teary and emotional, wanting to just sleep and having no motivation to do anything besides sit on the couch and rest. I had an appt. with my psychiatrist though, so I had to go to that. It turned out to be a good thing, just getting me out of the house, although I pretty much sat in her office and cried for an hour. I normally do not cry, in front of anyone and I’d say I don’t really cry much when I’m alone either. I’m more on the defensive side, at least when it comes to people (“They said what about me? Fuck them, they’re worthless anyway”). I’d rather be mad than sad I guess.
Anyhow, it was somewhat embarrassing to me to sit in a doctors office and cry, I think I’ve only done that once before and that’s when I was in the middle of my worst depression ever, 5 years back, and I was going through such turmoil that I just went to a local clinic to see about getting some anxiety meds so I could calm down enough to eat. I tend not to eat when I get depressed because a lot of times it comes along with anxiety, and my stomach just gets so churned up it literally hurts to eat. Which is bad because I’m already slender to begin with so when I lose weight, well, it’s just bad.
During that depression (which lasted probably 8 months), I lost about 20 lbs., and on my frame, a mere 5 lbs is enough to drop me one clothing size. I hate looking at pictures from back then, because I know I look ill, although I tried to mask it as much as possible and go about being “normal”. I remember being in the store once and this 70 year old woman in a gaudy faux leopard coat & hooker makeup said “How did you get so skinny?” I said “It runs in my family” and she said “I mean, what’s wrong with you?” I was sooo furious and so hurt at the same time. WHO DOES THAT?!?! Here I was, minding my own business, and some old hag has to try to push me down, for what reason? I don’t know. Obviously it bothered me enough to remember it to this day. A few months later, I was dating this guy and after a few weeks he basically told me he thought I was bulimic (“You don’t like to eat in front of people, and you always go to the bathroom after you do eat”). Well, I had braces at the time, so that explains that one. But WOW, talk about hurtful…just what a depressed person wants to hear!!!
Strangely enough, my doctor asked me today, “Have you lost weight?” and I said I didn’t know. I don’t think so though. I was wearing baggy clothes, so maybe that’s why she thought it, or who knows, maybe I look skinnier.
We talked about a lot of stuff…stuff I really don’t feel like talking about right now. Maybe another time. But she said she wanted me to come back next week because even though I thought the meds were helping, she still thought my moods were fluctuating too much, too often. Thinking back, 3 weeks ago I went in manic, 2 weeks ago I went in OK, and today I came in depressed. Yeah I guess that’s a bit of fluctuation. Ha.
I’ve been doing some writing, but don’t want to post it until I post the poems from my hospitalization, and go from there. I did make a couple videos about it, not sure if I will upload them or not yet.
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